11 Years Soba

21st February slight addition, please also read these 2 pages
Back in 5’ish minutes
Random Thoughts

Yes I know I have spelt soba wrong, it should be sober but hey ho, shit happens. I guarantee this won’t be the only spelling mistake…..

Somehow I completely forgot that today the 18th February 2014 I am 11 years soba…… I was only talking about it the other day with a mate, I’ve known him since play school (he was a fat little git back then 😉 ). If you’ve read other posts, this mate happens to be the George Best to my Oliver Read (I think he was Best, could of been Greavesie but for some reason my memory is a little hazy at times…). I was around his catching up. I told him something very personal, I know I can trust him with my life and vice versa!! We laughed about the amount of booze I chucked down my neck on the 17th February 2003, and the look on my Moms face when I told the booze clinic nurse what I’d drunk the night before…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my mates are definitely not the most sensitive bunch of guys in the world!!!! But they completely and utterly accept I’m a mentalist alcoholic. I’ll give you a little example of the sensitivity levels… When I got my beating I lost a number of teeth that cost £4k to replace…. The same mates comment wasn’t “it must of been hard to go through all that dentistry work” or “how do you feel, is there any pain?” Nope….. He said “to be honest Mans they did you a favour cus your teeth were shite before….” I’d class that as quite a sensitive comment…..

Last night I got a message on Face Book from him saying “….oh forgot to say 11 years today great going mate !!!” I thought “what for?”…. Then I looked at the date….”Fuck me tomorrow I’m 11 years soba!!!” Ok I’m not “perfect” with noggin stuff, but I’m stronger than I’ve EVER been and I know my mind better than I’ve EVER known it!! I’m manic now and then, which I don’t like, I’m impulsive at times, which I do like but people I love aren’t to keen on, I’m very depressed and tired at times (or as someone who should know better wrote in a letter “in low mood” I kid you not!!), my noggin buzzes, my body twitches, me and sleep ain’t good buddies, I have the concentration of a backward gold fish, the list goes on, blah, blah, blah…. But and this is a big BUT “I’m as happy as a pig in shite!!” Doesn’t make sense? No, probably not, but “it is what is is” I constantly reevaluate, adapt and change my coping mechanisms and I simply “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”.

Right let’s get back to the booze thing…..

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY IF I CAN GIVE IT UP ANYONE CAN…… YES I WAS A FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC, I HAD A JOB ETC, BUT BOOZE WAS ALWAYS ON MY MIND. IF I WASNT DRINKING IT I WAS THINKING ABOUT DRINKING IT, WHEN I WAS DRINKING IT I WAS THINKING HAVE I GOT ENOUGH TO GET ME THROUGH? BOOZE WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE NOTHING WAS MORE IMPORTANT…….. NOTHING!!!

If you know or think or are told you have an issue with booze (or drugs, but I can’t really talk about that) eventually it will kill you or someone else. No that’s not “shock tactics” bollox, it is fact!!! And it’s not just the old soaks in the street that die, the rich and famous do as well…. I’m not going to list them we all know who they are. They have all the money in the world to pay for rehab but if they don’t get it they don’t get it!! A non alcoholic can’t possibly understand. I’ve just had a thought pop into my noggin so I’m gunna roll with it “it’s like being possessed, you know you have to stop but something tells you you can’t, how the fuck are you going to go the rest of your life without booze ha ha ha ha ha ha…..” At this moment that comment allows me to hit the nail on the head, I will contradict this at some point I may have already done so, but, if someone asks me “will you never drink again?” I can’t answer “Yes” with complete honesty. I can say with 99.9% certainty that I can’t drink again! but every now and then the thought creeps into my head “I wonder if I could control it now?”. Oof!!! That is dangerous thinking, that is alcoholic thinking, my noggin is playing games with me and lying to me like it has done so many times before. Don’t think about never having booze again, think about each day as it comes.. (Cliche? Yes! but it works!!).

I BELIEVE THAT IF I WAS TO HAVE JUST ONE DRINK MY WORLD WOULD IMPLODE, I HAVENT GOT ANOTHER RECOVERY IN ME…. FACTS IS FACTS!! I FUCKING LOVE BOOZE, I FUCKING LOVE BEING BEYOND PISSED, I FUCKING LOVE BEING OUT OF IT AND THAT IS BECAUSE I AM AN ALCOHOLIC, I WAS BORN AN ALCOHOLIC AND I WILL DIE AN ALCOHOLIC. HOPEFULLY I WILL DIE A SOBA ALCOHOLIC. I WILL USE ALL THE TOOLS I HAVE GATHERED TOGETHER OVER THE LAST 11 YEARS AND IF THEY STOP WORKING I WILL REEVALUATE, ADAPT AND GET SOME DIFFERENT FUCKING TOOLS…… ITS BLOODY EASY!!! (It’s not easy but what’s the alternative?…… Oh yes that’s it death!!!)

Let’s jump back a bit, why did I mention my mates aren’t the most sensitive guys in the world? I wanted to show that even harsh, banter-full neh down right abusive MEN (soz guys but you know it’s true and we wouldn’t have it any other way) will accept any shit if you are honest with them. It would of been more difficult when we were 20 but I’m pretty sure if I had of strapped on a pair back then and spoke to my mates they would of accepted it, yes they would of took the piss but they would of accepted it. So strap on a pair and talk to someone, if you really can’t talk to your friends or family call one of the many help lines out there, go to AA (I’m not an advocate of AA but they have helped millions of people) or if you want, send me a message on here or exboozehound.co.uk@gmail.com or @exboozehound…. I’m not a qualified expert, I won’t be there for you 100% of the time unconditionally but I won’t bullshit you I will tell it how it is and if I have to I will tell you to do one. We can’t pussy around with this shit anymore, YOU have to find YOUR coping mechanisms!! They will be different to mine, they will be different to the coping mechanisms that AA preach, they will be different from that son of Brenda’s friend down the road, they will be YOUR ADAPTABLE COPING MECHANISMS!! Many of my mechanisms are stolen and adapted from AA but there is no way I would wear their full tool belt it would fuck me up!!

I didn’t actually want to post anything today because I wanted AL’s guest post to be the landing page for a few days, but I guess I had to, 11 years…. Miracles do happen!! (No I don’t believe in God or a higher power but I can’t think of a better word than miracles) Please check out this link to AL”s guest post.

Keep smiling 🙂

Time to finalise my celebration tattoo… Shhhh it’s a secret x

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