83 days, 7 vlogs and many phases of Jon aka exboozehound

In reply to Alex J – Peace Out

Alex J is someone I have never met, he began to follow me on Twitter a short while back and has commented on a regular basis on this blog. I don’t think he will mind me saying he is a student mental health nurse, and I for one feel that if this is the quality of our future mental health nurses things can only get better. There is a passion and an interest in Alex that is very encouraging for the future.

This post is all about one of Alex’s recent comments, I think me and Alex are similar in that we will not say something in 7 words if 236 will say it better (attempt at humour?). I tried to reply to this comment previously but just as I finished my reply my laptop crashed and I lost the lot, I was a “little” frustrated!!!!!!!!

So Alex’s comment are in Black and my reply is in Red. (probably obvious, bit patronising Jon!)

“get Mans a pint of cider it will be entertaining” laughed out loud to this. I know it’s a serious topic, but like you, I can do comedy and seriousness at the time 🙂

Sometimes it can be hard to laugh at serious things but I think it is important for many reasons, one important reason for being able to laugh at unpleasant things is my mates, they are merciless when it comes to abusing each other so you have to get used to it. As an example of how merciless they are, when I got the shit battered out of me, along with a few teeth, I was lying in bed with a face twice the size as normal and I have a picture of my mates smiling, pulling faces and all thumbs up :). One comment I got from a mate was “to be honest they have done you a favour really because your teeth weren’t that good before” gotta laugh aint ya!

I’ve gone periods of staying off the booze (more on this later) and although I totally respect my own issues with booze are completely different to yours (both in their nature and their consequences?), some of the principles relating to the way people deal with a “non-drinker” are the same and we have experienced similar responses, as would everyone trying to cut down or eliminate booze from their life.

Generally speaking I tend to stick within reasonable limits for alcohol consumption (although “reasonable” is the not the same for everyone. You for example). Your reasonable is literally zero I’m assuming. For me, even if I am going through a period of drinking 5 or 6 days out of 7, I’m such a lightweight I would usually not go above the weekly recommended amount of units. Sometimes I would (especially if 75% bottles of red wine are getting downed), but not every week. My relationship with alcohol is that when I am drinking it stops other things from happening. I’ll have 75% a bottle of wine perhaps in an evening at home on my own, watching a movie. Relaxing? Chilling out some may say? Yeh, but the problem is, there were maybe two or three other things that needed doing that evening. The bedding needed doing, I told myself I’d go down Morrison’s to get some groceries or maybe tonight was the night I was going to start doing press-up’s again!!!!

It seems that booze is a way of life, it is everywhere…. “i’ll have a coke please” “a coke, go on have a proper drink”…. I have no idea what the weekly recommended units are, but I think I would be able to smash those in a couple of hours. Booze does stop you doing things but it will do in normal life, it’s a relaxant. I think there are a lot of people out there that will have a drink pretty much everyday and I don’t see a problem in that, yes it may not be very good for your health, but not a lot is. 75% of a bottle, is there such a thing?? There is a lot of pressure in life these days and a relaxant can relieve that stress, momentarily, I wonder if the liquid is the relaxant or the action involved in disposing of that liquid. I know for me just opening a bottle of wine used to immediately relax me, of course that opening was followed very quickly with drinking it 🙂 or :(. I’m not gunna talk about the “press up” issue cus I need to do some of those as well.

None of those other things would happen if I were to drink. That’s okay if it was just one night, but I’d end up enjoying the Merlot & Movie combo so much I’d want to do the same the next evening after work, and the evening after that. Before you know it, I’m doing less physical exercise in the early evening, less supermarket shopping gets done (and I’m losing money by buying at local corner shops) and my flat chores are piling up! This in turn get’s me tense and sometimes stressed, and thus a vicious cycle can develop of needing to “chill out” after work and “relax” into the evening!

Habits form very quickly and if drinking becomes a habit it will be hard to break if you are an alcoholic or not. For me if this habit is causing you to get “tense and sometimes stressed” I would say that sometimes you become reliant on the booze. Personally I don’t think being reliant on booze is an overly bad thing we are reliant on so many things these days and after all booze is a “legal” and “harmless” drug just like tobacco. (LMAO).

I’m getting off track here, but the main point I wanted to make, is when I come off booze altogether some other people (they don’t mean to annoy me!) can be really irritating (or I FEEL irritated… need to take ownership of my own reaction here), that “Mans does NOT want a f****** drink tonight”. “Mans” is perfectly happy to go without tonight!!!! This is especially true at Christmas as you will know. Three years ago I think it was, I went 100 days without booze. Not because it was causing me “major” problems, but because I wanted to show myself I can NOT drink and I wanted to see the impact not drinking would have on me. Among other things, wanted to lose weight and reduce spending. These 100 days covered a whole X-Mas and New Year period. I achieved a lot in those 100 days.

Just as a point of accuracy here “Mans” is my surname shortened and not Man with an s 🙂

100 days is fantastic, I bet you felt so much healthier and better for it. Alcoholics can go weeks, maybe months without drinking, I did a number of weeks, possibly a month off the booze but personally that is just a trick, a manipulation. It shows the people around you your are not an alcoholic….. during my time not drinking all I would think about is booze and the kick I would get when I started again. People around me would be proud of my effort and most importantly get off my back and pay less attention so I could drink more in secret….

Having said that 100 days is brilliant and I think shows it isn’t a “major” issue for you which is cool :).

I enjoyed the one X-Mas party I went to that year but only after people eventually shut-up about me not drinking. I tried to laugh it off at first but then I think I got short with someone and eventually they stopped bugging me. It was a good night after that. But I tell you, that night, you’d have thought I was REFUSING TO TAKE IN OXYGEN, that’s how baffled people were (or they seemed baffled to me anyways) and how determined and committed some people were in getting me to take a glass of wine or a bottle of beer. You’d have thought I was sitting there NOT BREATHING and people wanted me to breathe! “Look everyone, we got someone here not breathing, someone help this man, give him a breath for Christ’s sake, help him”. “We got a man down, we got a man down”, “Houston we have a problem”.

Lol, it is strange isn’t it, I think people are just wanting you to have a good time, to let your hair down and enjoy yourself.

I was even having wine poured into my glass that I had just finished my lemonade out of! All well meaning and done with jokes and smiles, but half of me was okay with the banter and half of me felt disrespected (again, I take responsibility for my emotions, feeling disrespected, that’s on me).

Strange how people don’t want to buy you as many drinks when you are drinking, that could make for a very cheap night out. On the “disrespect” thing I think it is a good point. If you were at a Christmas meal with someone who had lost a lot of weight throughout the year, people would not be piling stuff on to their plate, they would respect the effort of that person and probably say over and over again “you have done so well” (mind you I bet that gets annoying as well!)

I’ve tried the route of having a drink once, maybe twice a week, but I now feel the time again has come to have a proper run of no alcohol (for physical health and finance reasons) but also for my psychological wellbeing as I want to introduce a bit more discipline into my life and some boundaries I can stick to. I’m also desperately trying to support and encourage both parents to give up smoking as it’s killing them (well one of them for sure). My point here, is that I want to show myself I can practice what I preach and “give something up”. I admit it won’t be forever, but I’d like to give up at least one thing going into the New Year, even if temporarily. Take away a “crutch” I rely on. Battle through it, overcome urge and temptation. DISCLAIMER – not saying giving up casual drinking for a month is the same as giving up a life-time smoking habit!

Although I don’t know you very well, I know you will achieve the goals you set yourself :). Smoking is a shitty habit/addiction, I smoke far too much but I haven’t got the will power to stop at the moment. Fair play to you for supporting your parents, sorry to here one of them are unwell from smoking, I hope they manage to give up!!. Tobacco is also a “legal” drug (??). I like your DISCLAIMER that should save you from a bit of abuse!! 

I would like to add a DISCLAIMER as well on the booze subject…. If you drink copious amounts on a daily basis and you want to stop, be very careful about just stopping, this can be very dangerous. Before I went into the booze clinic I was told to keep drinking (this pleased me immensely) because my body was so used to the alcohol and stopping it suddenly could kill me, once in the clinic I was on certain drugs that control the withdrawal and kept me safe. Also, and this is a personal opinion, don’t say “that’s it i’m never drinking again” it sounds daft but it is a day at a time, maybe even an hour at a time, setting fixed parameters can be dangerous because if you don’t manage to keep to those parameters it can set you off and give you another reason to drink more and more because you have “failed”. I heard a story recently of patients in a well known addiction clinic keeping diaries of future events, things as simple as watching a TV programme at the weekend and it being written on a calender, you might think “what’s the issue with that” but what if there is a power cut and you can’t watch that TV programme, what are you going to do you had been planning this for a week, for me this could be a trigger to drink?? (again this is a personal opinion, I don’t think a recovery can be completely regimented because we all know “Shit happens”).

And Jon, guess what I heard on the radio the other day! it was advert relating to this…. I’m up for it 🙂

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/support-us/find-an-event/charity-challenges/dryathlon

Yeh I’ve got my own agenda and motivations for this, but if I can raise money for a good cause, then why not?

Alex

Go for it, I’ll do it with you, do you think people will consider back sponsoring me for 11 years, that could be worth a few quid. There is no problem in having your own agenda, there is no such thing as an unselfish good deed. It seems that January, February and maybe March are the only months it is acceptable not to drink because people are on a “detox”. If you do it I will sponsor you :).

Alex, thank you so much for taking the time to comment the way you do, selfishly it helps me a lot, and I hope it helps others as well!! I noticed “AL” commented the other day saying “Nice work, both of you x”, thank you AL x.

Oof, that is a long post!!

Peace Out

Keep smiling 🙂

Acceptance

I have been to an initial therapy appointment today, we spoke for an hour about Mindfulness and DBT (Dialectical behaviour therapy) it sounds very interesting if not a bit mind boggling and a bit weird….. the lady I spoke with, spoke about it all with such passion and honesty that it can only be a good thing. I have also had some really positive feedback via Twitter through a contact made through this blog, she is a very strong person who is having a hard time but she keeps going and I know she will make it (you know who you are).

When Mindfulness was first mentioned to me I got a book out of the library to see what it was all about, unfortunately within about 7 pages I gave up it all sounded a bit “hippy’ish”, sorry that is the only word I can think of, I started to think I would have to spend my life wearing tie die, chanting and being in touch with my inner being….. as a “neanderthal with depression” it is very hard to imagine me doing that!! But lets be honest what I have done so far hasn’t been a lot of use, i.e. take a few pills, ignore it as much as possible, man up and get on with life. Fact is, this year my mental illness has destroyed me, I have my theories why but they aren’t important at the moment, what is important is I have “accepted” I have a problem, I have “accepted” I must do something about it, I have “accepted” that at the moment “normal life” is not my strong point……..

“Acceptance” seems to be a big word now as it was 10 years ago, I had to “accept” I was an alcoholic (I had known I was for years!!), I had to “accept” that something had to be done and I “accepted” the help I was offered. Of course I now wish I had tackled all the other shit at the same time but who knows if I had tried to sort the mental health stuff at the same time I could be back on the booze….. So I “accept” that now is the time to tackle the mental health stuff and I am “grateful” I no longer drink. I “accept” I can’t have all that I want at this time and I am “grateful” for the friendships I have made through this blog. I “accept” my feelings and I am “grateful” that I have some. I “accept” I have an illness and I am “grateful” I can still do something about it.

During today’s appointment some new words were used that un-settled me a bit “Borderline personality disorder”, is this a new “label” for me, what the hell does that mean? Well who the hell cares, not me “it is what is it”. I had thought before this could be a possibility and at the moment I don’t know if that will become part of my diagnosis and I really don’t care. I think I have said it before on here and I said it directly to a professional today “I believe that most of what the experts do in mental health is guess work” I would be interested to see if the experts could prove to me this was not the case, on the other hand I probably wouldn’t believe there “proof” anyway. So at the moment I am happy to be diagnosed with whatever comes my way, I will “accept” whatever it is and I will address it and in time beat it.

There is a number scale that seems to be used a lot when talking about mental illness, 10 out of 10 is bad and 1 out of 10 is good (it seems the wrong way around to me, but what do I know?), anyway when I (has to be “I” as I can only really talk for myself) hit a 10 out of 10 it is horrendous I just don’t know what do do with myself, I think about ending it all to stop the pain, there doesn’t have to be a reason for hitting a 10 it just happens sometimes. My last 10 was a couple of days ago and I ended up kneeling down with my face planted in the carpet and my ass in the air (not a pleasant thought I know!) my head was “buzzing” and my blood felt like it was boiling in my vains…….. Fuc*ing mental isn’t it, what a Fuc*ing nut job…… I should probably be to ashamed to tell people this, but i’m not, i’m not ashamed I have an illness, I have been in the past, but I have “accepted” it now and I am attempting to do something about it, so what have I got to be ashamed of……. Nothing!!

If you are struggling, if you are ashamed, if you are hiding your illness, please try another way…. You have nothing to be ashamed of, You don’t have to hide it, You will still struggle with it but you will be struggling with others, it is still very painful and frustrating but in asking for help I believe you will also help others. Those others you will be helping might be people with similar issues to you, they might be your parents, your children, your partner, your friends. The people around you that love you don’t know how to help you, they will try, they will be willing to do literally anything, but from my own experiences I know that whatever they do will be wrong….. If they keep asking “how are you today?” it will annoy you, but also when they stop asking that question it will also annoy you. (?)

Ask for help and “Accept” any help and support you are offered, it wont fix you over night but it will give you a fighting chance.

Keep smiling 🙂

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Inspirational Words

This is a very quick post, I had an inspirational moment this morning and this moment was on Twitter. I think there are lots of things to say about this but I want to keep it simple so: –

Talk about your feelings, be honest, in this day and age you can never be alone, there are some awesome people out there and Just do it 🙂

The reason I ended with “just do it” is because I asked @Billyidol to RT a link to my blog (if you don’t ask you don’t get!!) and from that RT this person got in touch :). To protect her identity I am simply going to call her “Awesome Lady” = AL

AL – Btw, how are you going Jon?

ME – If I’m honest I’ve been better :(, how’s u?

AL – Ah, that’s no good. I’m well, thank u for asking. Try and run with the gratitude idea. That’s what worked for me. x

ME – Gratitude idea? Is that being grateful for what we have x

AL – When I was depressed I always thought the opposite of depressed was happy. Then     one day, light bulb moment, The opposite of depressed is actually gratitude. That idea         literally turned my life around. I stopped hunting down this “happiness” I was     searching for & began looking for things to be grateful for. At first when u r very depressed it is hard. So u just start with “I made it through today” then ” I woke up today” really basic stuff… One day when u get to my stage which u will!!! u will start looking at the night sky and and sunsets & all sorts of things & think “Wow that is f**king brilliant. I’m so glad to be alive to see this. Good luck x

ME – Thank you so much, that is so inspiring!!! can I use yr words on my blog? x

AL – Of course you may!

ME – well from a Black Country lad (dont know if u know what that is) in local dialect “yam bostin yow am” x

Doesn’t that just sum it up? Fantastic! Thank you Awesome Lady x

Keep smiling 🙂Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

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Jibber Jabber

I have so many thoughts and feelings going around in my head at the moment that I don’t know where I am. Part of me is good, part of me is bad, part of me is horrendous and a lot of me is very tired of it all. I am happy I started this blog I am still getting messages from people saying they are reading it and giving me great feedback and encouragement, some people that I would never think would read a blog like this. I am having some great conversations on Twitter with people I have never met and that have so much to give even though they have battled through so much. There are some good good people out there :).

So i’m going to “Jibber Jabber” on for a bit, soz….

Lets get the nasty bit out of the way first, I still have suicidal thoughts and they vary from thoughts to feelings, they go from “I wish that fat C**T that sat on me beating me unconscious had carried on and done a proper job” and I think about returning the favour, a stint inside would finish me off. They go to “just do it Jon, end the pain, end the hassle, put yourself and the people around you out of the misery”, having said that I am 99.99% sure this is not the answer, it’s “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and through all the thoughts of “failing at life” that would be failing, whilst I am still fighting I am succeeding at life. If you are battling a mental illness and you are still here you are succeeding and you should be proud of yourself, cus it aint easy!! The thoughts are less these days, probably every couple of days rather than every day :).

Although I have a mental illness some of the effects are very physical, tiredness, shaking, slowness, weakness, nausea, twitchy… there are so many more but my lack of concentration means I cant think of them. A lot of the current effects are more than likely down to the 200mg’s of meds a day, but what is the alternative, for me at the moment, there isn’t an alternative. I am pretty sure that the meds I am on are not perfect for me I am also pretty sure that the experts don’t know either, I believe a lot of what the experts do is nothing but guess work!!!! I believe in the placebo effect…… Ibuprofen cures headaches doesn’t it? Yup sometimes…. Nope not all the time….. Tic Tacs do the same?? I have once cured a headache by putting blue-tac on my forehead… Me mad? how dare you!

There are so many mental illnesses and I get it when people feel better when they are given a diagnosis “a label”, it bothers me that my sick note still says “depression” when a GP, Counselor, CPN and a Psychiatrist have spoken about “clinical depression” and “major depression disorder” but what difference does it really make. Fact is we are ill, we have a mental illness, we have mental health issues….. We are most definitely not seeking attention, being dramatic, lazy….. We can’t pull ourselves together, snap out of it, man up….. If we could we would because being where we are is f**king horrendous!!! It is painful most days, when you have a good day there is then further to drop down when you have a bad day, that hurts!! From my AA days there was a saying along the lines of “there is no such thing as a bad day, it’s a bad few minutes or a bad hour” (pretty sure that isn’t the saying but you get me drift) This is a good and bad saying….. If you have a “bad day” maybe you are wallowing a little bit so split your day up into smaller chunks and have a couple of bad hours instead. However having lots of good hours and some bad hours can be very painful and tiring and it can definitely mess your noggin up good and proper!! This is where my “it is what it is” works for me, I try to enjoy the good and I just ride out the bad and in doing that I can cope??

“Thinking is over rated”…. all the questions and thoughts that go through our minds, Why? What if? How? Should I?……. there are no answers to them, and if you do find an answer I guarantee it will be different the next time you answer it, so don’t waste your time and energy thinking about them, easier said than done, i’m thinking good and bad things now but thinking about them ain’t going to change them. You have to either do something about the thoughts and feelings or just accept them and deal with them when you have to. (not sure if that is helpful, but it helps me at the moment). I have to keep in mind that my thoughts and feelings might hurt others but I also have to keep in mind that at the moment my thoughts and feelings are more important than anyone else’s, not a nice thing but sometimes you have to be selfish to protect yourself and your recovery.

Today I am in pain, today I am struggling…… at the moment, this could change so I am just riding it out and lets see where it takes me. There are things that I want to do, there are places I want to go, but worrying about them ain’t going to change anything. If I do those things or go to those places that will be cool, if I don’t “it is what it is” “what happens happens” and of course “shit happens”.

I’m not sure if there is any point to the above “Jibber Jabber” but it has helped me so as I am very good at being selfish i’m gunna put that one down as a “Win” 🙂

Keep smiling 🙂

Tough Day

Hell of a tough day today……….. but I think a productive and significant one 🙂

Today was the day I met face to face with the NHS regarding my complaint about their Mental Health “System” and the pain, frustration and destruction it causes. The guy I met with was very good, he seemed to be caring and genuinely interested in what I had to say, he is yet another good good person within a pathetic, not fit for purpose system.

I am fully aware that we are lucky to have an NHS and I am fully aware they save and make lives better again and again, hour after hour, day after day, etc… One of the things I need to remind you of is that part of the reason I made the complaint is because people with in the system (staff) basically asked me to, which I think says a lot…..

We spoke for over an hour, it was quite painful to go through everything again and difficult because my memory isn’t brilliant at the moment so things can get confused. As I was walking to the place I could feel myself getting anxious, going inside myself, walking along with Sun Glasses on, hood up, ear phones in blocking out the outside world.

Sitting in the waiting room, with a nice cup of tea, I got out my little red note book and pen and wrote down the date, the place and who I was seeing (like a numpty!), throughout the whole meeting I didn’t write another thing. As I said earlier the guy I saw seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, he genuinely seemed to care and understand the pain the system had caused me, and causes others, because of this blog I have stories from other people who have been treated worse than me. You might be thinking “he was there to seem interested and caring they have pulled the wool over your eyes”, but I am not a stupid man and through my work I have sat in many meetings and from my days as an active alcoholic I know how to manipulate a situation and I know if someone is manipulating me.

I’m not going to go into any more detail about the meeting as I don’t think it is the time, but I do want to talk about how I felt afterwards. Coming out of the meeting I felt good, I felt as if I had achieved something :), as I walked down to my local town centre I could feel the pressure building in me, the buzzing in my head was getting very loud, I seemed to be getting very slow and weak and I felt strangely paranoid. When I got to the town centre I struggled to go into the shops I wanted to, pathetic I know, but I managed to do a couple of the things I wanted to do. Then all I could think about was getting home and the fact that I had walked and it was going to take me 30 minutes to get back. The further I walked the harder it got and at one point I wanted to just sit down in a bus stop and cry, by the time I turned into my road I was in tears and struggling a little bit to breathe. I couldn’t face the lunch I had bought and ended up going to bed just to stop the buzzing in my head.

I am not after sympathy, I am not trying to over dramatise my day, I am not doing “Woe is me”, the reason I have written this fairly pointless post is just to put it down in black and white and to stress how much effort and pain went into me going through with my complaint. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help are very difficult things for a lot of people. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help shows you have failed at life, that you are unable to cope with life. IN ASKING FOR HELP I HAVEN’T FAILED, IF YOU NEED TO ASK FOR HELP YOU HAVEN’T FAILED THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP AND THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING MENTALLY ILL “IT IS WHAT IT IS“. I know there are a lot of people out there in much worse situations than me but this is my situation, this is my pain, this is my disappointment in me and this is my life that I need to get back on track.

You probably know someone struggling with Mental Illness, please encourage them to fight, please show them you care, please don’t patronise them, please understand that they are not lazy or just a bit low, please understand that a good holiday will not fix them. They are ill, when people say “odd” things like “there is a buzzing in my head”, “there is a fog in my head”, “I can’t get out of bed”, “I can’t face leaving the house” they are not making things up, they are trying to explain something that is “real” and that they don’t understand themselves.

Keep smiling 🙂

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Booze at Christmas

I am a Bah Humbug / miserable git when it comes to Christmas, probably for many reasons not least of which the fact that it starts in October!!! Unfortunately I don’t believe in God, I don’t even like to type or say the “G” word, in fact when I did go to AA I wouldn’t say the “G” word at the start of the serenity prayer: –

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Even the fact that it is called the Serenity “Prayer” bothers me a little bit, but nearly 11 years on from leaving the booze clinic I carry a coin with it on in my wallet. On one side it has the Serenity “thing” and the other side a butterfly with the words “Keep It Simple”, sounds daft but just looking at it gives me strength to stay off the booze. Of course being an alcoholic with mental health issues is never going to be “simple” but for me the answers are simple: –

Alcoholic = Avoid Booze

Mental Health = Ask for help and talk about it

I wish I could of done both of the above sooner than I did, but I can’t change that now I can change what I do moving forward and I have the wisdom to know the difference……

So, to the title of this post “Booze at Christmas” every year I can guarantee I will be asked the question “you will have a drink with your Christmas lunch wont you?” erm……nope! I also often get “if you haven’t had a drink for years surely that means you can control it now” erm……nope! Here’s the thing, there is a possibility that I could have one drink, there is the possibility that I could now drink like a gentleman but that’s a hell of a risk to take with my life and the lives of my family and friends. I was speaking with a guy the other day who has been soba for a couple of months and he was looking forward to his drink with Christmas lunch, I did say “I don’t think that is a good idea” but it’s not up to me and who knows he might be fine, but I am convinced I wouldn’t be. You won’t be surprised to hear that as an alcoholic I LOVE BOOZE, i’m not keen on the after effects of booze which is why I constantly had to top up the levels and if I had a drink I am sure I would only remember the good stuff and very soon it would be carnage.

“I have another drink in me, but I don’t have another recovery in me”

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable”

My guess is I will be getting the question about a drink with Christmas lunch on a fairly regular basis now, that’s cool it’s funny, sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. I am fortunate to have a bunch of mates that were merciless when it came to taking the piss…. one of my favorite comments I received after getting soba was “get Mans a pint of cider it will be entertaining” I still use this comment now :).

If you have a problem with booze, do something about it. Stopping drinking wont fix your life, it won’t be easy and at times it will be FU**ING Horrendous but it will be one of the best things you ever do, for you, for your family and for your friends. Being an active alcoholic is a selfish game of manipulation and lies, getting soba is also very selfish for a while, maybe for ever, getting soba will be the only important thing in your life, but  that is what booze is, well it was for me, nothing mattered more than booze, NOTHING!!

If you have any questions about getting off the booze drop me a message on here, Twitter or Facebook, i’m not an expert but I have a little experience in this area!! Do bear in mind though I am an alcoholic, I wont be able to be your crutch i’m too selfish for that and if you get on my nerves I will tell you.

Have a bostin Christmas……… Bah Hum Bug!!!!

Keep Smiling 🙂

What is “Real”

A real good friend of mine sent me an interesting message on Face Book the other day: –

“Blog subject suggestion. “Real”. You use the word quite often. I would be interested in your perspective LJEMFTF x keep em coming.”

My initial reaction in my head was “OOF!”

It turns out I don’t use the word “Real” that much, but it stood out for him and it makes a lot of sense….

He also commented:-

“I think if you are striving for “real life” its good to know what your expectations are.”

My initial reaction in my head was “OOF!” and reading these comments again “OOF!” is still my reaction, these are bloody good questions, NNOP is digging deep here….

So, I have an easy simple answer……

“I don’t know what “Real” is anymore”live streaming film Alibi.com 2017 online

A very simple answer but quite a painful one, and the more I think about what is real the more I realise I don’t know. I have spent so long hiding, faking, manipulating and ignoring my feelings I don’t know what is “Real”. What is real life? Well, I am 40, so by now real life should be good job, nice house, nice car, nights out with the misses, days out with the kids, I should have a bit of money in the bank…….. I ain’t doing that well then, I have failed miserably at that shit!!

I have a good job, I know I am a good Salesman and an awesome Account Manager but mental illness has put this on hold…….

I had a nice house, but we are trying to sell it, mental illness took this away from me……

I don’t own a car, I still drive a company car but eventually mental illness is going to take this away from me……

Ain’t got a misses, mental illness has taken quite a number of those away from me……

Ain’t got kids, mental illness has always told me I couldn’t have them, I would destroy them, it would be unfair…….

Money in the bank, nope……. F*ck me Jon you’re a F*cking loser……..

So all my expectations I have failed at, everything I and society tells me I should have by now I haven’t got, mental illness has either stopped me having them, is taking them away or has taken them away. My expectations confirm what I know, I am a loser, a waste of a human being, I have failed at everything and nothing is real anymore….

But hold up, what if all that shit isn’t what is real, what if there is something else that is real, what if real is what it is, real is where I am. Although I still go through hell everyday and I am shit scared of what the future is going to bring I still want to help people, I care about people, people have been contacting me on here and Twitter and Facebook that suggests people care about me, I am a good person, I am a strong person, yes I have done things that i’m still ashamed of back in the drinking days but those days are behind me now. I am ill, unfortunately that is what is “real” at the moment, all those “expectations” aren’t real most of its just stuff. I might get most of that stuff one day, but underneath it all I will of still been ill, maybe I will still be ill….who knows???

What is “Real”?, what is “Normal”?, why am I ill?, why do good people get hurt by others? and why do people seem to like me? Who knows, who gives a shit, why am I asking questions that don’t have an answer, why am I worrying about stuff I can’t change? as a great man once said:-

“Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.”

There are some really good things in my life at the moment, things that keep me calm, things that make me want to get out there, what they are doesn’t matter, they are what they are, it is what it is. There are also some really horrendous thoughts and feelings that scare me and hurt me, that make me cry, that make me rock backward and forward like a nutter, that make me want to give up……but I can handle the shit stuff I have done it before and I will do it again, I will keep doing it, I will beat this, I will help others beat it, I will make kids laugh for being stupid, I will make people smile and perhaps I will find “Real” one day whatever the f*ck it is, perhaps “Real” doesn’t exist????

It is what it is….

what happens, happens….

Keep smiling 🙂

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I had a good day yesterday

Here we go again, Me Me Me, I don’t actually know where this post is going to go but I had a good day yesterday and this morning i’m having a bit of a wobble. The point of me doing this blog was both selfish and hopefully giving, I want to help people and I want to help me, as I have said before something I read helped switch the fight back on in me and from messages I have received i know my blog has done the same for others, this is a joyous feeling, this is a “Gem” moment in an otherwise pretty bleak existence.

The messages I have received are basically saying that reading my words helps them understand themselves or other people a bit more. I often talk about “the buzzing in my head” I know this sounds bonkers and I would think I am going mad, but I now know someone else used to use these exact words and I have never met them, so it helps me and hopefully helps them. So I am going to ramble on a bit and hope people get something from my ramblings.

I had a good day yesterday, but today I am rocking backward and forward with my head in my hands because my head is “buzzing”, bonkers but you know what who cares, that’s just the way it is and rocking with my hands on my head helps me I don’t care what anyone else thinks. As I am writing this I am choking back the feeling that you get just before you cry, and i’m pretty sure I will cry at some point soon, but you know what who cares that’s just the way it is, crying is good it seems to release pressure so if it happens it happens. I have got the shakes and I feel jumpy, I have recently had to increase my meds from 150mg’s to 200mg’s and straight away I felt unwell after the first 200 was popped, is this feeling just in my mind, is it physical, who cares it is what it is and worrying about if it is because i’m bonkers or if it is actually happening wastes energy and it isn’t going to make any difference I will still feel unwell. I cant answer the question and I am pretty sure the experts wouldn’t be able to answer the question either and if they did I wouldn’t believe what they said anyway, so it is what it is, i’m just going to let it happen and letting it happen frees up the stress, sometimes…….

I have been DM’ing with someone on Twitter and they mentioned someone was preaching that anti depressants don’t work, the only way through it is exercise and good diet, Pah! I have read previously about a young bloke that swears he fixed his mental illness with exercise and nothing but exercise, brilliant if it has worked for him I am chuffed to bits for him. But if exercise and a good diet fixes all mental health issues, why are sportsmen like Jonathan Trott suffering, he is a professional sports man, he will probably exercise a lot more than most and I would imagine he is on a good diet to maintain his sporting career. I don’t believe there is one answer if there was everyone would be “fixed”. I went through a short phase of walking whenever I could and it did help, it was really freeing and relaxing, but very quickly I started to find it was having the opposite effect, it was making me feel lonely and out of touch with the world, I would start to panic that it would take me ages to get home when walking and what if I bump into someone I know?? I would love to eat a better diet but for one I am skint and cant really afford the good stuff, and if I could afford it, I cant be arsed to cook it. When you are numb, have no motivation, cant concentrate and cant see a point to life exercising and eating well is almost impossible, sometimes even having a shower is hard hard work. That will sound ridiculous but I promise you it is 100% true, you might as well be asking me to solve a Rubik cube!!!

Yup, just been crying and I cant bloody breathe now, what a pussy!!

I guess it’s inevitable at some point I would come back to the NHS discussion, I truly believe the treatment I have received is an absolute disgrace, the constant waiting is disgusting but through this blog, Twitter and Facebook I have learnt that the treatment I have received is actually very quick in comparison with others. People have to ask for help and it is very hard to ask for that help for someone like me asking for that help was basically admitting I was failing again like I had failed at everything else in life, I was admitting I have to give up, I have to let go, I can no longer control me and my thoughts. Me saying I don’t have control is not an easy thing!! So people go through horrendous times they find courage to ask for help and then they have to wait and wait, when we are waiting the only thing that is happening is we are getting deeper and deeper into the pit, we are getting further and further away from “real life”, we are becoming detached and we are getting confirmation that we are pointless, we are not worth worrying about, we are not part of proper society and in going through this you know that that journey to recovery is getting longer and harder by the day.

I had a good day yesterday, I am not in a good place at the moment, partly because I don’t believe I have the right to have a good day and like a lot of the mental health world it does not make sense to think like that, but those are my thoughts, aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

On the flip side “Jon” knows he is incredibly good looking, handsome and cute, he knows he was a bloody good sales man, he knows he was/is and awesome Account Manager, he knows there is a twinkle about him, he knows he has an awful lot to give.

Does that make any sense?…. Nope

My Cafe Recipe Stories HackGolf Clash HackPokemon Duel HackMobile Legends HackSuper Mario Run HackRoblox Robux HackClash Royale Cheat HackYugioh Duel Links Gems and Golds HackFree Streaming Movie Online 2017

Does it do my head in?…. Yup

Will I beat this thing?…. Who knows!! but I do know I will do all I can to beat it!!!

I pretty much think about suicide everyday, sometimes just thoughts, sometimes real feelings but that is not the answer, that is giving up, that is failing, that is a proper confirmation that I am a loser and a waste of a Human Being and “Jon” knows that is not true!!!

I really don’t know if there is any point to this blog, but you know what it is what it is, who cares?? 🙂

Keep Smiling 🙂

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Psychiatrist appointment

So, initial Psychiatrist appointment is done and there is a “plan” in place. I don’t think I am ready to reveal all the details but basically increased meds, further referral and next appointment is at the end of January 2014.

The Psychiatrist was a really nice guy, a very clever guy I was with him for about 45 minutes and he already had me talking about stuff I haven’t spoken about for over 20 years, how do they do that?? Very often when I come away from meetings with the experts I feel I have let myself down because my “Jon” force field comes up and ensures I cant be completely honest and open. For so long now I have been “Jon” on a daily basis, smiling, joking, talking an awful lot of bollox, people seem to like “Jon” and Jon doesn’t understand this, they like “Jon” and would not want to know Jon. Confused, welcome to my world.

Anyway, my force field was up a little, always going to be on the first meeting I guess, but I am proud to say I cried. Of course I apologised for this but as the psychiatrist said “if you cant cry in front of your psychiatrist where can you cry”. He dug around a bit and pushed a few buttons, a couple of good buttons, he got me thinking in a different way about some of my thoughts, which was both painful and interesting. I came away feeling a bit more positive, I have finally started the process, I am finally on the books, in the system, I have somewhere to call or go when I am desperate and if I am desperate I can get an emergency appointment, this is progress. 🙂

However……..

My next appointment with the psychiatrist isn’t until the end of January, the other referral thing wont happen until the end of February or March and if you saw a previous post “You need therapy the queue is 2 months” I have quite a wait for other needed therapy. I know in the whole scheme of things these few months wait aren’t huge, after all I have been diagnosed depressed for over 20 years, but and this is a big BUT the thought of more daily pain, ups and downs, not working, not earning, not being able to do stuff because of “The Fear” (I stole that phrase of someone else, they use it in a different way but I think it is so descriptive I decided to pinch it (soz x)) those thoughts and many others scare the Sh*t out of me. Am I going to be able to cope, am I going to be able to keep fighting, is Christmas going to destroy me, will I eventually just shut down?

Last night I had a great laugh on Facebook and Twitter with some awesome people, I’ve had a bit of a joke this morning as well, I posted some of my pictures on FB and woke up this morning with 11 notifications liking and commenting on my photographs which fills me with absolute joy. Yesterday I was DM’ing on Twitter with someone who is going through a hard time but she deals with it and we both take time to support each other (we have never met but we are supporting each other, I hope she feels the same?), I’ve made contact with a great guy called Danny Baker from Australia, Billy Idol RT’d one of my tweets, I have had some fantastic messages on this blog, FB & Twitter, I’ve had a letter today from St James’s Palace and so on… all these things are brilliant and positive, but still inside I’m a loser, I am weak, I have wasted 40 years, I hate now and the future scares the sh*t out of me!!! I have been invited by a friend (a friend of friends a diamond geezer) to spend some time with him this weekend and take photos of a gig he is playing, but I just cant do it, I have had lots of other “come and visit me” messages but at the moment I just don’t have the strength to travel and cope for long periods of time. I will get there but it is so so hard I am struggling to think about leaving the house today, I will but I know it will be hard (pathetic!).

Without Facebook, Twitter, this Blog, awesome family and some awesome people I wouldn’t be here now, so even though I feel like I am rambling now, I think my point is:-

Talk, Post, Tweet and share your thoughts and feelings, help on the NHS will come, but it will be slow so you need support from elsewhere. Your friends might be shocked you are unwell, but they will be amazing. People you don’t even know will be amazing. Bollox to the #stigma thing if you are fighting a mental illness you are a STRONG person because you are still fighting.

Be careful though what you do share, I made a comment on a “celebrities” (unfortunately I cant use the proper C word!!) tweet and spent the next few hours fielding abuse from their followers, it was very unpleasant and a bit triggery. I backed down straight away because I didn’t have the strength to fight so many people. Sometimes you have to back down to look after yourself, sometimes it is ok to be negative, that’s how you feel and fighting it all the time is hard hard work.

*Importantly these are just my thoughts and opinions, sometimes they help me sometimes they hinder me and I don’t always agree with me and you don’t have to agree with me either they are just thoughts and opinions!!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

Psychiatrist appointment is nearly here

On Wednesday 27th November I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I guess you might be thinking why would someone announce that, how embarrassing? I am not ashamed of this fact, if you are ill you see a GP, if you have broken your arm you go to the hospital, if you are clinically depressed you go to see a psychiatrist. To be honest I am not sure what a psychiatrist does, I thought they were the people you go to see to talk about all those things in the past that might of caused your mental illness. Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago that psychiatrists are more about the medication than talking, I don’t know I guess I will find out Wednesday.

The reason for this post is probably mainly selfish, when I write on here I seem to be able to see it through when I write notes on “how am I feeling today” I get frustrated and feel pathetic writing sh*t like that down, I know it makes no sense but my head doesn’t make a lot of sense at the moment.

I was referred to see a psychiatrist in August and my appointment is the 27th November, personally I think that is a disgusting amount of time to have to wait, if you have read my other posts you will know the story by now so i’m not going to bother with that now, what I do want to bother with is what that 4 month wait has done to me, told you…. selfish it’s always about me.

So basically I have been on a drug called Sertraline for a number of months having changed from Cirpralex, from what I can tell Sertraline is seen as a very good drug but with the limited knowledge of my GP (that’s not a dig at my GP apparently they only have access to certain drugs which is why I have to see a psychiatrist) and what I have read on the interweb it could well mean I have been on the wrong drug for a number of months, on the other hand it could be exactly the right drug but at the moment I don’t know. (has this made things worse, who knows?).

Currently I struggle to sleep, I struggle to leave the house, I struggle to eat and I struggle to not eat (?), I feel sick a lot, I feel weak, tired, erratic, emotional, numb, pointless, pathetic, lost, desperate, angry, irritable, scared and sometimes I feel suicidal. Last Friday I forced myself to go out, I went and walked around my local town centre while I was walking around I started to cry and had to hold back the tears (as usual I was wearing sunglasses to cover my “windows to the soul”) so no-one could see.

Thoughts running through my head at that time - I saw people smiling and laughing and I wanted to hurt them, part of me knew they weren’t laughing at me but what if they were? Maybe if I hurt them I could get arrested and maybe some immediate help, no that’s a stupid idea people will think you are a nutter. Just get home, but you’ve got to get some milk, I can’t face getting some milk, just get home. I got some milk because this is pathetic, I even made a joke to the girl on the till, then my sunglasses went back on, got to get home. Going into the car park I thought about going to the top and ending it, no that is not the answer if you do that all the pain of the last few months and all the strength you have used to keep going will of been a waste, all the support from family and friends (some friends I haven’t spoken to or seen in 25 years!!) will be wasted. But it will teach the NHS a lesson, FFS no it won’t you are a number an insignificant number it wont change anything, just get home, it’s not even my home, just get home. I got in the car and started driving back, someone pulled out on me, I thought about just driving into them, I followed them up the hill they were going about 20 miles per hour, just drive into them, they indicated to turn off, just drive into them, they were now out of my way. Driving up the road someone was pulling out of a side road, just drive into them, FFS JUST GET THE F OUT OF MY WAY!!!

I think we can all agree that above isn’t normal, don’t get me wrong I am not saying there a voices telling me to do this stuff, I am pretty sure its just my thoughts. I often wonder if other people have these thoughts, my conclusion is they probably do but they don’t take them seriously??

What the 4 month wait has done to me is turn me into a non-human, I am scared of the reality of life, I am scared that this is me now, I wont be able to go back to my job, I wont be able to go back to any job, I wont be able to enjoy anything in life it will always be about my mental illness from now on. Although on the outside I look ok and if I don’t manage to ignore you in the street I will smile and ask how you are, have a chat and a joke as soon as I walk away I will be in pain again. Waiting 4 months confirms my thoughts that i’m not important, confirms that I am a waste of life of time and of effort. I now beat myself up for giving in in June I should of just carried on fighting it day by day. I beat myself up that I carried on fighting day by day for too long and have wasted that life, lost girlfriends, houses and jobs.

There are lots of quotes out there about depression but one that really touches me at the moment is: –

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”

– Elizabeth Wurtzel

(I hope I haven’t broken any rules posting this?)

And just a final comment, I know I am beaten but I also know that I am strong enough to keep fighting back and when I do manage to beat it there will be no stopping me!!!

Keep smiling 🙂