Are You Winning?

I Tweeted this today and I wonder if other people feel the same about the daily battle with or without Mental Illness?

Although I keep winning the daily battle and will keep on winning, it is very tiring and very painful. I know I am winning because for a short while now the only suicidal thoughts I have had is that i’m not having suicidal thoughts. 🙂 There are other intrusive thoughts in my head from time to time but not the big ones. I’ve  been thinking for a while I can’t wait until 2013 is out of the way because it’s been a pretty shite year, but I realised last night this could be a dangerous way to think….. lets face it nothing is going to change over night just like that, the only way it will change over night is through our own thoughts and the changes we make. We can decide to approach each day in a more positive way and that would be a perfect idea if I actually believed I currently had complete control of my thoughts, I have a lot more control than I did a couple of months ago but from time to time I haven’t got a clue what is going on in my noggin.

I haven’t had a major buzzing in the head session for a while, not that I can remember anyway but last night at about 11 as I was getting into bed a switch just seemed to switch in my head and away I went off to the land of nutjob, sitting in the dark with my hands on my head rocking backward and forward crying like a baby, the emotional desperation and pain running through me, trying to destroy me again. If you are reading this and understand what I am on about, I feel for you because it is extremely unpleasant!!!

The reason this post is titled “Are you winning?” is I would like to know if you are winning and what you are doing to ensure those daily wins. I know there are people out there that read the blog but don’t like to put comments on for other people to see, so let me know on Twitter via DM or put on comment on here (there’s a little “Leave a comment link” below the post Title) and note you don’t want it to be seen, all comments have to be approved by me before they go onto the blog and I can keep them private.

So…

Why did you have a short trip to the land of nutjob again last night Jon? I have absolutely no fucking idea and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, “it is what it is”. What I do know is I managed to have more control over it last night and I probably have to change a few things up again to level myself out a bit.

What things have you got to change Jon? I have absolutely no fucking idea and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, “it is what it is”. What I do know is that it could be something as silly as putting my right sock on before my left sock, in fact i’m gunna give that a go.

Whats 2014 going to bring Jon? I have absolutely no fucking idea and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, “it is what is is”. What I do know is absolutely fucking nothing and couldn’t give a flying fuck.

I think you might be starting to see a pattern forming??

I am winning, I know I am and I want to help others win as well (might be delusional thinking but I bet you can guess what I think about that!!) (hint – see above). I am in pain, I don’t like me, I “know” other people don’t like me, i’m a failure at life, I was a proper C**T when I was drinking, all in all I have been a waste of a human being!!!!

However…. Sometimes I’m not in pain, Sometimes I like me, Sometimes I “know” other people like me, I’m not a failure at life because I am still fighting, I was still a proper “C**T when I was drinking but I don’t drink now, all in all the chances are I won’t be a waste of a human being!!!!

There’s stuff I want, there’s places I want to go, there’s people I want around me and of course I want to be well!!! Will this all happen in 2014, see above for the answer to that…. the only difference being that I COULD give a flying fuck. I can’t set them as goals at the moment, but I will do everything within my power and that’s my power not a fucking “power greater than me” to make them happen.

So….

Tell me, Are You Winning?

Enjoy the good and ride out the bad

It is what it is

What will be will be

Keep fighting

Keep Smiling 🙂

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