Men knocking the hell out of women. I’ve read so many horrifying articles about it and my heart goes out to those women & children who live with it. I’ve never understood why anyone would stay but that’s me – a bloody hypocrite..

I saw a documentary about a lady who left and put her life back together. She said something that I could completely identify with. She said that she was ok through the day but when she heard his key in the lock she felt sick.

My H doesn’t and has never nor would he hit me. He’s just not like that. He’s a decent bloke who works hard and away much of the time. Because of this I kinda get how his world is fairly closed and he’s generally the only one in it.

He is a drinker. He won’t say he’s an alcoholic but does admit he “has a problem”. He drinks and the next day he’s “embarrassed” and “doesn’t know why he did it”. All water off a ducks back to me it’s always been but in the last few years that sound, the twisting of the cap and pouring sets me on edge, turns my stomach like the battered woman who hears the key in the lock. I know how the evening will be. He won’t be able to remember anything but will get agitated with me and insist I converse. It’s always a waste of time as when he’s sober he won’t remember and accuse me of not informing him. I’m stupid ya see, a bit thick apparently. Can’t even be trusted with info about things I used to do in my old job in banking. Can’t be right unless someone else says it. He will check what I say with someone else, the internet. Once he only took what I said from a friend of mine who wasn’t even in banking!?!

I’m not to say anything when he goes for it the night before cos “he knows OK”. But I can’t keep my trap shut. Gets me in trouble and gets me a ticking off, but I never learn. Why don’t I leave (back to my thoughts about the battered woman – ya see? Hypocrite).

Why am I spilling this? Well I have had depression and it scared the bejesus outta me. I seriously thought I would end up dead. Driving alone scared me, I took detours to avoid trees that might kill me if I bloody hit them hard enough. One doc told me to “go for a walk”. I was in pieces and it put me off going again. A friend ordered me to go again and the receptionist made me feel like I shouldn’t be there and gave me a luminous laminated sheet to hold while waiting so everyone knew I was wasting the docs time. It has large case capitals on it asking :

IS THIS REALLY AN EMERGENCY?
COULD YOU HAVE WAITED FOR A ROUTINE APPT SO SOMEONE WHO REALLY NEEDS AN APPT COULD BE SEEN?

Bla bla bla. I felt sick holding this thing, the room was getting smaller, everyone was staring wondering why on earth I was there (obs in my head but very real at the time). Yep, I walked out and drove out of my way avoiding the trees crying and terrified.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand. The sound of booze makes me sick. The sarcasm or sometimes silence, or or or that follows makes me feel like nothing. If he’s in a good mood I can be, if he’s not I may as well forget it. That’s the control his drinking has over him AND me. If i go out (I go out quite a lot) that’s wrong. Where am I going, when will I be back? I’ve learned to be elusive, that way I can’t always be late can I? He’s even called and slated me accusing me of lying about whether I’m on my way back. One weekend I had with a friend he ordered me back by 5pm and didn’t even believe her when I put her on the phone to back me up. I was so enraged that he stressed me so much we had full on war when I returned. So you see I have the fight in me when I feel normal but it wears me down.

Why not just fecking punch me?

I used to like a drink. Just to chill, be cheeky and laugh a lot at things that ain’t that funny. But the demons are heading back. They’re at the garden gate and I can hear them. I haven’t the fight in me so he’s drinking like a good un. My sons just started and now thinks he can talk to me like H does. I’m still fighting that one but what example is he more likely to follow?

So I sympathise genuinely with you guys addicted to the booze or what ever your bag is if you seriously are brave enough to recognise it and face it head on. I also feel for the others, the partners/family – it affects them too, more than you will ever know. They don’t know what to do? They feel boring, worthless, ignorant, the put downs become totally believable when we can’t stand it anymore. We don’t even own our own emotions. You’re content so we can be. Your pissed off so we are too. It’s taking over your life and OURS but gotta protect the kids. You think you’re protecting them until you realise all you do is yell at them and say awful things to them. I’m ashamed to say I don’t even want to cook for them and spend time with them when it’s bad for me. Booze affects everyone and doesn’t just affect the boozer. Why don’t I leave? I’m a feisty gobby mare who has great friends and can get on with it most of the time. Right now I’m laying down hiding from the darkness that I feel above me. God knows if I will get through it this time. I get the strength to go to the docs and it’s whether I can stand the callous, inefficient, pathetic way I will be treated with the luminous laminated shame sheet on whether I make it to the doc or if I find that tree..

Why do I identify with Jon? It’s because I’m in awe of someone who has achieved what he has. In his boozing and his depression. What is awesome about this guy is he owned how he was, he knows what he put his nearest n dearest through and he’s probably the most honest guy I’ve ever come across. My H couldn’t give a rats arse about anyone else even when he’s sober but Jon wants to help and he is. What he doesn’t know ain’t worth knowing. I’m rooting for him every day and just at the moment – hoping I can beat those little bastards too.

Thank you, anon (MC) x

I have replied to MC privately, please reply to MC to show her and others in the same situation that they are not alone!!!!

I’m not gunna comment any further….

Keep Going 😉

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oh and don’t forget my book

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I’m gunna edit the title a smidge by just adding one important word….

There ain’t a thing YOU can’t handle, eventually

I used to say “nothing I can’t handle” a lot, I now add the word eventually. This additional word has come from experience, cus there is a lot of stuff I can’t handle in the now. Deep down I’m a bit of a pussy, stuff gets to me, stuff makes me emotional, stuff makes me dolallytap but what is an outburst gunna achieve? Nothing but guilt, regret, renumeration (not sure if that’s the correct word, so I’ll add another one) thunking…. Thunking is overrated if you are thunking in a negative way.

You know if you do have an outburst you will use it to beat yourself up with for days maybe weeks maybe longer. But NEVER beat yourself up about shite like that, it happened, it’s gone, move on…. Apologise if you have to or makes amends if you can but move on cus unless you happen to meet Doctor Who or Doc Brown you ain’t gunna get hold of a time machine….

I’m just wondering if anyone spotted the word pussy above? That’s a negative word, I ain’t a pussy (possibly debatable) I have an illness, I’m a mentalist. If you are a mentalist as well you have to believe you are strong…. If you weren’t strong you would of done one a long time ago…. Us mentalists are strong and we are amazing people!!!! FACT!!!!

I’m gunna quote myself now cus although initially I guess you will think “yup this guys a proper nut job!” If you have a think about the words you will understand….

“There’s only one difference between “normals” and us mentalists and that’s us mentalists are intelligent enough to know we are fucked up, “normals” haven’t worked it out yet….”

If you are a mentalist be proud cus you are a strong, wonderful, caring, person who has a lot to give to the world, you will have a special talent, you may not know what it is yet but if you are open and honest with yourself you will find it….

So, remember….

There ain’t a thing YOU can’t handle, eventually….

I received a message on Facebook the other day from a friend, it made me so proud…..

“Iv adopted your enjoy the good ride out the bad ethos and tbh mate it’s great as when I’m down I now tell myself that I’m not down it’s just my mind tricking me into thinking that and that I just need to ride it out obviously it’s all still there but it’s decent and I suppose if your mind can trick you you can trick your mind”

“So the good I enjoy the bad Well I welcome the fight fuck having an easy time, normal brains are for the weak :)”

Keep Going ?

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#ReevaluateAdaptChange
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G’day all, how’s it hanging?

This will be a short post and unless you were with me last week you probably won’t understand what the hell I’m going on about but hey ho if you’ve read my stuff before you know this is how I roll….

I’ve just spent the last week in Corfu, it was amazing, hotel was shite, staff at the hotel were shite, food at the hotel was shite, BUT the people were absolutely amazing, two in particular (xx).

It was all inclusive, lol, so everyone was drinking ALL DAY, which at times was difficult but doable and very enjoyable although sometimes a little annoying, bloody drunkards, lol. I spent a lot of my time with the two most amazing people I have ever had the honour to spend time with!!!!

I spoke openly, as always, about being a mentalist alcoholic and people want to talk about there experiences of this world which is awesome. Of course me being me I did a lot of selling exboozehound but although probably very annoying it is now my “work” being exboozehound is why I am here, it’s my destiny…. (Don’t worry I haven’t gone all flowery n shite, I’m just in touch with my inner “Poof!” (No offence intended with that word, it’s only a word and I ain’t intelligent so my vocabulary is limited to neandathol words)).

I’m gunna leave it there….

Make sense at all? Probably not!!

Will it make sense to some people? I bloody hope so!!

If you were there last week and you feel you can add a comment please do, I have to approve all comments and if you want it to be anonymous just add it to the comment and I will remove your name xx

Keep Going 😉

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“its better to regret the things you have done than the things you haven’t”

This was the motto I decided to live my life by over 11 years ago whilst in the Woodbourne Priory, Booze Clinic on my Booze cruise to end all Booze crews, without Booze 🙁

When I analyse this motto (by the way I know its not the exact motto but I don’t care, I thought about googling the correct motto, the old Jon would of but the new Jon knows there’s more important things to worry about!!!) sometimes it makes sense and other times it seems like blox. But now, after yesterday evening it has a new conatation (bad spelling, maybe wrong word, dont care 🙂 ) 

Simply….

“its better to regret”

I regret last night, but the alternative is much worse and NEVER an option!!!! Not gunna explain that, “It is what it is”

I regret but I don’t and wont feel guilt, guilt is a waste of energy, for me if you feel guilt about something do something about it or “build a bridge and get over it” (words pinched from an amazing person, you know who you are x).

Last night for many many reasons Mental Illness got hold of me and controlled me, I fought it for hours and tried to stay in my logical and wise mind (Mindfulness) but in the end my emotional mind got hold of me and made a bit of a scene (mahoosive understatement!!)

So, i’m not going to build a bridge I’m going to do something about it.

If you were in Russells Hall A&E last night SORRY!! That sorry is for everyone, Staff, Patients and definitely for the three security guards, in particular for the dark haired one who appeared second and thank you to all three of you. I hope one day I will be able to meet you face to face and say sorry shake your hands and say thank you. To the reception ladies (probably not the correct title, sorry) you were amazing and I know you will continue to be amazing!!

However my apology is not for the two Noggin Docs…. You were pathetic, maybe you were trying to get a reaction from me but if you weren’t you need some new books!! I have now met some really amazing book monkeys but you two are the reason these words exist and will remain in my vocabulary.

Just as an aside the vending machine by the door owes me £1.80.

Will I regret this post? Probably

Is it what it is? Yup

Does shit happen? Yup

Am I calm today? Yup

Will I come out the other side? Yup

Why am I posting this? Now there’s a good question!!!!

I am posting this because anyone out there that is ever considering the alternative option, the one I wasn’t going to explain but will now….

“I’d be better off dead”

If you EVER think that, and I know you do, please KNOW it’s ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS!! You have fought and survived this far and there isn’t ANYTHING that can make that thought correct, there isn’t ANYTHING that you cant get through and come out the other side of, I promise you 100% ANYTHING is recoverable and you will get through it, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT!

“From adversity comes strength”

Thank you bro for helping me through last night, you were and are amazing!!!! I will keep your texts forever to remind me of what an Amazing, Loving, Intelligent, Strong, person you are and how fortunate and blessed I am to have a bro and a friend like you. If I could make one request though, please stop dressing smart cus you put me to shame and make me look like Shrek!! 🙁 😉 x

I am changing my sign off from Keep Smiling to Keep Going because although smiling is good it can also be so false!!!!

Keep Going 😉

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