Author: exboozehound

Facebook, Friends and Fate

A guest post from a new friend, please also click below to read Judy’s Q&A with www.mensdepression.org

Interview with Judy Fryer, mother who lost her son to depression

Facebook, Friends and Fate

I have been thinking lately, that I love the’ best of ‘ FaceBook! Not keen on the rubbish one sometimes comes across but maybe one person’s rubbish is another person’s interest…. who am I to say. The ‘ best of ‘ for me, is keeping in touch with friends and family worldwide. Viewing their photographs, getting snippets of their life and knowing how they are doing.

Another thing I love to do on FaceBook is to find all kinds of informative pages. My particular interest is Mental Health. I have learned loads from internet websites. It’s amazing what one can find out and what and who you can meet. Guess who I met in this way…..JON….he had written a great piece for Men’s Depression, an American website. I was fascinated by Jon’s story and it struck many chords with me. We have found we have much in common, although I am old enough to be his mother!

I feel as if we have struck up a friendship which I hope will last. A friendship born out of sharing our mutual heartache. Who would ever have imagined. Jon has already got a special place in my heart and I care about him. I get him and I want to see him flourish and prosper and reach the serenity he so much desires and deserves.Watch Froning The Fittest Man In History (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I guess fate has brought us together. I hope I can be a great friend to Jon and make some small difference in his life. He has made a difference in mine already, he challenges my perceptions, makes me laugh and causes me to think carefully how I view certain aspects of life.

Long live our friendship Jon!

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Booze

Booze, booze, booze, booze………

I don’t know why but I had an urge this morning to post about booze, as usual I have no idea where I am going with this……

February 2014, I’m about 10 days away from my 11th booze birthday……. Everyone who knew me back in the booze days would never of thought I would be able to not drink. I’m making an assumption there but when I say everyone I do mean everyone, including me!! I’m worried where this post is going to go because I am pretty sure I am going to contradict stuff I have said before, however, I have noted on here that I do contradict myself a lot and that comes from believing in what I believe I believe in on any given day. I think this is going to get confusing!!!

First lets address “belief” I don’t believe in God, I didn’t believe in clairvoyance (until yesterday!) I know there are fakes out there but what I heard yesterday puts no doubt in my mind that there are some real ones as well! This might seem a bit “oh look at him he’s a bit full of himself…”, but, I have never believed in me…….I DO NOW!

If you are returning to this blog you will of noticed a little pop up window as you land on the site, this is annoying but I figured it was important because anything I write on here are my opinions and thoughts, indeed my ever changing opinions and thoughts and indeed, the ramblings of an official nut job. People have started asking for my “advice” what I answer with is not advice it is just experience and stuff I have formulated in my noggin!!

However, having heard some of the “advice” GP’s, noggin docs aka book monkeys give out it makes me wonder if the books they are reading are the Beano?

Right, disclaimer done lets get into it!

I heard this phrase in AA “I thought the clinic was going to teach me how to drink like a gentleman” I have used it on many occasions, when I entered the booze clinic I never thought the night before would be my last drink, if I had I would of drunk a lot more! Before the booze clinic my GP gave me the only bit of advice that I liked to here, I mustn’t give up drinking before I went into the clinic….. I pondered this and then thought….”I can handle that” :D. Yes I am being flippant, the point was my body was so used to booze, if I just stopped it could of been very dangerous!! I believe this is why binge drinking, as it is known these day, in my day it was just called the weekend, can be more dangerous than constant drinking. At the time of me going into the booze clinic the GP told me a story about a very fit sportsman who’d died from a heart attack, it was thought this was the result of binge drinking. Makes you think doesn’t it??

I guess that all sounds a bit preachy, but don’t get me wrong I love booze, booze is awesome, booze is the liquid of joy, booze brought me some fantastic times, some fantastic mates and dare I say some fantastic birds…. Yes I dare 🙂 .

I look at in many different ways… One of which is: –

“I abused booze and over used it for the wrong reasons so I now don’t have the right to enjoy it”

Let’s look at it another way: –

“I eat 20 bars of chocolate a day, I don’t understand why I am overweight?”

This is not meant to be offensive to people with weight issues, there is a point to this…. I promise!

Here comes the point…

Not long after I left the booze clinic I had one of those morning programmes on, they were doing a feature called “fat island” (this is genuinely what I think it was called) I heard a guy say “it’s easy for alcoholics to give up alcohol” this made me a little angry!! He continued and he made a lot of sense…. “They just have to stop drinking their addiction, but we still have to eat” I was still a little angry!! But then I thought “you know what he is spot on”. If I was told I had to have 3 pints of cider a day, Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (or whatever word you use I was going to put Tea but I think this is frowned upon in some quarters) it would send me over the edge. THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD BE ABLE TO HAVE ONE PINT AND THEN NOTHING ELSE, THATS ABSOLUTE MADNESS!!!!! but people with food addiction or just people who enjoy there food still have to eat to stay alive. So that guy was right it is easy for alcoholics…. Easy is the wrong word but his theory was right (in my mind anyway) he perhaps could of used the word easier or simpler.

So I can look at booze and in a way say I was allergic to it, it had a bad reaction in me…… I don’t know? Am I talking bollox? Probably, this is how my mind works.

When I went into the booze clinic, I didn’t think I will never drink again, I didn’t want to stop drinking, I knew I had a problem and had known it for years but I just wanted to learn how to control it. I wasn’t at my rock bottom, I just wanted some help and if I’m completely honest I wanted to get people of my back for a bit…. Just like those times when I stopped drinking for weeks to PROVE I wasn’t an alcoholic…. This is bollox, a good alcoholic can stay of the booze for a few weeks and even strangely enjoy it. Strange thing to say? Again this is my experience and my opinion, I could strangely enjoy it because I was using one of my many alcoholic skills, manipulation, it is a skill I don’t care what you say, manipulation can be used for good and bad. As an alcoholic I used manipulation for bad, and enjoyed it! As a salesman I used manipulation for good, good is probably the wrong word, but good for me because it made me money and more important than money it gave me the buzz you can only get from making a sale 🙂 . Oh, buzz, interesting…. Another addiction???

To stop drinking, you don’t have to: –

Want to
Believe you can
Be at your rock bottom
Loose everything
Live in a skip
Sleep on a bench
Do everything AA tells you to
Believe in god or a higher power
Get a sponsor
Or a lot of other bollox you will be told….

But, if you know you have a problem or you are told you do on a regular basis by family and friens, you do have to: –Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

STOP BEFORE IT KILLS YOU
STOP BEFORE YOU KILL SOMEONE
STOP BEFORE IT TAKES EVERYTHING
STOP…..

I was a novice alcoholic compared to some, I would drink 2 maybe 3 bottles of wine a night, on my last night before the clinic I drank something like 3 bottles of wine and 8 cans of Stella Artois which is nothing in comparison to some. Fortunately I couldn’t afford more booze, I also fell asleep a lot once I got to a certain level. Unfortunately I fell asleep under tables and in bus stops as well but hey ho it’s all good for funny stories….

I AM 100% CERTAIN THAT IF I HADN’T OF STOPPED I WOULD BE DEAD OR IN PRISON (DRINK DRIVING COULD OF EASLIY RESULTED IN ME KILLING SOMEONE!!) ALTHOUGH PEOPLE TELL ME HOW BRILLIANT AND STRONG I AM FOR NOT DRINKING, THE TRUTH IS I GOT LUCKY. A PLAN OF MANIPULATION BACK FIRED ON ME AND I GOT SOBER.

YOU MIGHT NOT GET THAT LUCKY BREAK, YOU MIGHT END UP DEAD.

Keep smiling 🙂

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Overwhelmed

As the title suggests I’m overwhelmed by some of the feed back I’ve had from my guest post on Mensdepression.org (click here to read the post) there has been a few comments on the site and I had a number of messages sent directly, which I wanted to share…. I asked permission to share these words and I’ve made sure there are no names or specific personal details…

from K – Blimey Jon…just read your blog. I didn’t have a clue… I still remember the good old school crush I had on you back in the day..lol.

from C – Ok I read it and blubbed. As always you wrote it as it is. Depression, alcoholism, it’s hardly exciting stuff but it’s compulsive reading all the same. People are noticing you and wanting to publicise your words – that’s seriously impressive!! Your honesty jumps off the text and smacks your reader in the gob – keep going big guy. I have no idea what state your self esteem is in right now – it should be high. If not I bloody hope it’s climbing! You re doing it. May not be bound and sitting on waterstones shelves but I see it coming!!!! You re inspiring me! My book is seriously lightweight, a holiday read but if I can make a buck then I’ll be happy. It’s another handbag! Keep going big guy xxThe Lego Batman Movie (2017)

from A – Two words for your guest post at men’s depression.org (And keep in mind I am usually very lady like, lol!!!) But… Fucking Brilliant!!!! You nailed it Jon! Well done, so proud of you xo

from T – Hi Jon, Firstly can I just say glad to see your doing well and everytime I read something you write I either think spot on or have a chuckle it’s fab mate you have a real skill and love your honesty A lot of what you say rings true and it’s amazing as I worked with you and would never have guessed but we all paint a picture and put walls up from an early age I always felt a bit different tbf due to family issues then got to an age where you think your a man you can cope but when you struggle to be a good mate feel yourself drifting on the edge of a social group or just happy to spend weeks in the house I also was never happy in a relationship and maybe cus wasn’t happy in myself never turned to drink as I’m a lightweight lol but have had very bad thoughts on a few occasions and think maybe didn’t go through with it as was maybe a bit chicken but also have some very highs when I think I’m just being silly pull urself together but hearing you talk makes me connect and I’m sure other peeps will relate you were a pleasure to meet and work with and your a funny guy so genuine so keep going don’t stop and hope you don’t mind rabbling lol some peeps actually find real comfort in ur words

Wow, there isn’t a lot I can say to follow those words apart from Thank you and I am overwhelmed!!!

It has been said to me many times “I cant believe you have depression!” and “You don’t look depressed”, I guess I come across as upbeat and positive and all that….. For the most part I am more upbeat and positive than I have EVER been, but I still know I am ill inside and I am still in pain daily…..Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Mental Illness and Alcoholism have brought me everything bad in my life, they have also brought me a lot of thing’s good in my life…..

Although I am on the path of recovery they are still putting me into situations I don’t want to be in and still taking stuff away from me!!!

Keep smiling ?

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Taking Stock

This title came to me and yes I had to Google it to make sure it was correct…..

take stock
1. To take an inventory.
2. To make an estimate or appraisal, as of resources or of oneself.

Seems about right.

There are some awesome things going on in my life at the moment

There are some shit things going on in my life at the moment

Some exciting things
Some dull things
Some nice things
Some horrible things
Some easy things
Some hard things

Sometimes I give a shit
Sometimes I don’t
Sometimes I’m happy
Sometimes I’m sad
Sometimes I’m moving forward
Sometimes I’m moving backwards

I think you probably get the point by now….. Things are changeable!!!Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I have all sorts of feelings going on (sorry another list is coming)….

Anger
Peace
Serenity
Happiness
Sadness
Mental
Sane
Horny
Lonely
Overwhelmed
Mischievous
Wanted
Unwanted
Useful
Helpful
Useless
Selfish
Manic
Relaxed
Fucked up
Fucked over
Determined
Whatever
Excited
Bored….. In fact I am now bored of this list, I guess you probably are too!!

All of the above are probably feelings “A Normal” has all at the same time as well? If you are “A Normal” please answer that question. As “A Mentalist” having all these thoughts and feelings can be confusing and hard work, the way I try to deal with it all is just by accepting whatever is going on (Oof!! How important is that word Acceptance? Answer… Very!)

So I have attempted to “take a stock of myself” and realistically I have achieved nothing and everything at the same time….. Why is nothing straight forward? Answer… Because we make it that way!

This is possibly a bit delusional but I am currently writing a book/memoir after being told by quite a few people I should. I have no idea how it is going but I am enjoying it, the same as I enjoy this blog, just typing out what is ready to come out of my head, good or bad….

I had a DM on Twitter a couple of days ago asking me to write something for an American website, which I did and have emailed it over to them. I have been advised it will be published on Monday which is one of their busiest days for activity on their site, when I see it actually on the site I will be posting lots of links 🙂 . I haven’t read it since I wrote it, apart from the 72 times I reread it while I was typing it, so I am both excited and nervous about what I wrote. Did I write that? Did I write this? How did I say that? Should I have said that? But in the end, it is written, they have it and I wouldn’t want to rewrite if I could because “it is what it is” and “what will be will be”.

This is a very short post compared to most of my previous ones, but when I come to look back on it I think it will mean a lot to me, I hope it means something to you?

Keep smiling 🙂

 

Awesome and tough day

Strange one today….I saw the psychiatrist for the second time and unfortunately had to post this on my return: –

image

I say unfortunately, because I have to go back a bit on what I have said before, don’t get me wrong I still think the NHS is broken, I have always said the NHS staff are very good (mostly!) and also let down by the NHS system. However I am wrong to call all psychiatrists “book monkeys” (I will continue to call them this, sorry). I guess I cant name the noggin doc I saw for the second time today, but he has gained my trust today because he spoke like a human being and a lot, maybe even most of what he said made sense. A mate of mine commented on Facebook in reply to  the remark about them “using sales techniques”: –

“I think us sales people use their techniques me old fruit!”

My reply was: –

“Very good point!! Bollox!!!! X”

Although I can admit I am wrong, I don’t like to 🙁 . You will however notice I replied to myself on Twitter with a little comment for Jeremy Hunt, not that he will read it or do anything about it, but hey ho.

It was a tough day because I wasn’t looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist again, but like most things it worked out better than I had thought. It’s was an awesome day because he seemed very pleased with my progress, he has put on hold the extra drugs he mentioned last time, which I was very very happy about, and he was very complimentary about the coping mechanisms I have put in place and adapted myself. I will now see him again in 2 months, when he said that last time I found it very stressful, this time I know I can cope and progress.

Before anyone starts thinking “careful Jon, don’t get a head of yourself” I know this and am prepared for it, a few weeks back I had a situation that made me realise I wasn’t as stable as I thought (click here for post on this) I did some very silly things that I’m ashamed of and I still regret, but I can’t change them I have to move forward. Because of this realisation moment I had to reevaluate and adapt, I now know what I have to do and if those things start to stop working I will reevaluate and adapt again. I am building a good “exboozehound recovery dictionary” and a very strong “exboozehound library of life mottos” and these will help see me through. I’m going to try to put together the above “dictionary” and “library” for my next post. I think regular readers will probably know a few of these by now!!

There was obviously other stuff discussed during the appointment, but some things I have to keep to myself, at least until I get my noggin around them anyway.

I will finish with a statement of fact: –

 “I am stronger than I have ever been, I know I have mental health issues but I’m not ashamed of that. Mental illness has made me what I am today and what I am today is a good guy, a strong guy, a loyal guy, an honest guy, a dependable guy (not always), and finally a collections of “Jon’s” that I am starting to like”Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Ok that’s a bit over the top, but fuck it, it’s been a long time since I have been able to say “I like me”.

Keep smiling 🙂

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2nd Psychiatrist appointment Wednesday

As the title suggests my second psychiatrist appointment is almost here and it has me a little wound up…. I should be able to remember when I last saw him but I can’t, think it was end of November beginning of December I could look the date up but I can’t be arsed…..

Why am I wound up? I don’t know really there are various reasons, I guess he will be able to tell me on Wednesday, but I am going to use this post to try and work out why I am wound up. This goes against a lot of things I have said in the past but it is important I get as much out of my second appointment as possible…..

The last time is saw him, I was quite impressed, he had me talking about stuff I have never spoken about, he had me crying and he had me being about as honest as I have ever been able to be with a noggin doctor. He put up my meds to the top dose and talked about another drug we might try next time if needed. All good really, nice guy, seemed to know what he was doing and eventually had a positive effect on me…. I say eventually because I think it stressed me out a bit for a while last time, but overall positive, I think?

I’m concerned he is gunna say stuff like “tell me about your childhood” and “how did that make you feel” etc etc, but the truth is there was nothing wrong with my childhood. I don’t actually remember a lot, I get confused when I here people say stuff like “my first memory was when I was about 3…..” WTF???? How the hell do you remember that stuff, I don’t….. I can tell stories from my childhood, but I think that is because they are stories that are told over and over again, I don’t actually remember them, this makes me a little sad. If you have read other blogs about booze and mental illness I guess you will of read “I always thought there was something different about me as a child, I never felt like I fitted in anywhere, I always felt on the edge of everything, I could feel lonely in a crowded room etc….” Might sound like bollox but I know they are real feelings, these are probably the only things I do remember. If he starts asking stuff like that I will just be honest, it’s the way I roll these days.

I am also concerned because I had a letter from the chief executive of my local NHS mental health trust this week with the “FINDINGS” (LMFAO!) from the investigation into my formal complaint (click here for details if you have some spare time!). I don’t think it is wise for me to go into my feelings and thoughts on these findings, all I will say is “NOT IMPRESSED!!!! AND THE FIRST GUY I MET WITH WAS REALLY GOOD AND I FELT COMPLETELY GENUINE BUT THE CHIEF EXECUTIVES LETTER HAS UNDONE ANY TRUST I HAD IN THE INVESTIGATION!” I will leave it there, I have already had a rant on social media and sent a message to the local trust…. Oh just one more thing, there is a week between the date on the letter and the post mark on the envelope, nope I’m not making it up, UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE! I have a letter assuring me that my complaint will in no way effect the treatment/therapy I receive, I do not believe this and I can prove it has effected my treatment/therapy but I’m keeping that bit to myself for now.

I’m concerned because although I accept I just have an illness, I don’t bloody want it, it’s hard work. I am going to give you an example of why it is hard work, I want to preempt this by saying my issues are my issues, I would not be where I am today without the support of my family!! They have been amazing! Although it is important I have therapy and I take meds I have no hesitation in saying the NHS has mainly hindered my recovery, where I am today is down to family, friends new and old and the strength inside me!

So the example… I have changed my mind I’m not going to give an example, but what I will say is because I speak about my mental health and my family and friends support me I am able to just be me and if I need to walk away for a couple of minutes or leave suddenly no-one questions it they just accept it. This gives me a lot of strength, this allows me to “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”, this allows me to start to “Find Jon a Serene Jon” (there is a message within that and there is only one person that will understand it :p). Because of the support of family and friends I am beginning to find Jon and there is definitely serenity emerging, I never liked whoever that Jon was before and could never understand why people did like him. I don’t want you to read that as a negative or think “fucking nut job” I want you to read that as a positive. I will never be a born again Christian but I am a born again Jon, I am a born again exboozehound. I have a couple of new tattoos they are simply “exboozehound”, “1973”, “2003” and “2013”. We know exboozehound is me, but what about the dates, they are the years I was born: –

1973 – year I was born
2003 – year I gave up booze and was born again
2013 – year I finally went dolallytap and was born again because I finally had to address the shit I tried to hide for 20 years.

Good place to end I think?

Keep smiling 🙂

The power of social media

Slightly off subject and I will be keeping this short.

I always said I would never go on Facebook and when Twitter was suggested to me I tried it and I did not understand it. Twitter was where the name exboozehound was finally made official I had called myself it for a long time, but Twitter made it real, now I have my blog and I have it tattooed on my chest 🙂 .

I have accounts with most of the social media sites now, I have a poor understanding of most of them and usually can’t remember all the bloody passwords but I have the accounts so I am cool and down with the kids.

I did some maths last night, by choice, (yes I am sad!) and added up my followers followers the total was over 6,000,000! AMAZING! Since then I have a few more followers with an amazing amount of followers.

The reason I did this, apart from being sad, was to see what the potential reach a Tweet could have. I know I’m not going to reach them all but the potential is there in theory.

I have an issue with the NHS at the moment and I am not going to give up, I may very well be asking for your help very soon!

Catch u all soon 🙂

Keep smiling 🙂

Dog with 2 dicks

“Happy as a dog with two dicks”
“A phrase used when a great sense of self achievement has been reached, or one is seriously happy.
That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind. I tell you, I’m as happy as a dog with two dicks me.”
Neil Armstrong, 21st July 1969
I have been fortunate to meet (all be it virtually!) some awesome people through my blog. Unfortunately I let one of these people down, I hope to rectify that at some point. One of the people I have met via this blog and Twitter is @VeronicaValli she is awesome!! Now, I have to say I thought I might of ended our friendship very quickly when I questioned if the answer to a question she was posing was actually in the blog post… but I have said before my policy is honesty “If I can’t be honest I wont say anything at all” (and trust me for a former salesman that ain’t easy!!). Veronica was very gracious and took no offense, which I think is very important… Agree or disagree there is no one solution to any issue, there are always options…..
I could decide to walk up to the shop forwards or I could walk backwards I would still get to the shop….. walking backwards might be a bit more difficult and more dangerous but chances are I will still get there…..
(as an aside I went to my local  shop recently dressed like a badly dressed homeless person (sorry), none of my family enjoyed it, my nephew described me as “a div” and someone very key to my current positive frame of mind made me promise I will never use the photos again! I got some funny looks and I can imagine people thinking “how come they’ve let him out” but you know what I enjoyed it, I believe it empowered me to cope with paranoia moments in the future “Whats the worst that could happen?”)
To regular readers it wont be a surprise I have gone off subject a bit! The point of mentioning Veronica, I tweeted today “This is a MUST READ…..” and it is, I promise you. Veronica knows I cant agree with everything she writes, partly on this subject because I don’t have “faith” and I don’t understand “spirituality” both of those words scare me, if they scare you and you think like me “i’m not into all that hippy bollox” you are wrong my friend, I am wrong (i’m not but I am??) read it and take from it what helps you…. I have…. Thank you Veronica :).
Ok, “Dog with 2 dicks”….. Why?….. Today has been a goooooood day for various reasons, one of them I cant talk about, others I wont talk about and of course I ain’t gunna bother thinking too much about “WHY?” because it is wasted energy, the real answers are “Who Knows!” “It is what it is” “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” “Live in the moment”
But I will list a couple: –
  • The other day I took my nephew to Martial Arts, he was awesome!, on the way back we had “Eat, sleep, rave, repeat” on very loud in the car, the rules are after the lady finishes her part you have to go bonkers…… 🙂 (I have no problem with that, lol). Today I pulled up to my Dads house and the Sis pulled up along side me with my 2 nephews and 2 other sprogs, they were all bouncing up and down like nutters 🙂 . I had to get me some of that action, so I walked down the road with “Eat, sleep, rave, repeat” playing on my phone. As I got close my younger nephew ran up to me and gave me a high 5 (“Gem” moment),  I carried on walking down and when I got to the older nephew we waited as the song got to the bonkers bit…. Sis and the other sprogs stood there looking at us in puzzlement. Then it came “Bonkers time” which led to a 40 year old mentalist (sorry) and a 9 year old jumping up and down sort of head banging, in a respectable road as well!! (needless to say he had better rhythm than me, but hey ho I can eat more than him and always will be able to (Ollie ;-p ).
  • I received a DM today on Facebook (I have taken some private stuff about others out) : – 

“…Crikey you have a wasted talent for writing!… Your blogs are compelling reading and you have a real talent for reaching people. Please consider when you are well and strong (it will happen, believe that) please please consider writing your experiences or even deviate and write some dark violent northern tale, but either way, you should know you have a talent… It’s something to think about… But writing doesn’t need an office, you don’t need to travel and until your established, there’s no deadline! Please consider or at least keep my idea at the back of your mind!!.., Keep going big guy! I have every faith in your abilities and look forward to one day, downloading you on my kindle!”

What can I say to that?…… OOF!! I have started my book (might be delusional but “it is what is is”). This DM tipped me over, about 10 people now have said the same thing about me writing a book….. So lets do it, hopefully it will help people understand Mental Illness and Alcoholism from an extremely honest point of view, my point of view will be disagreed with in many circles but, there is no one solution to any issue (and everyone is allowed to have views and opinions as long as they agree with mine!)… and I have to show this tweet again: –
junction project 

  • I’ve had a couple of private conversations on Facebook today one of which has left me speechless, seriously that doesn’t happen often, if at all, but i’m speechless and numbed with happiness 🙂 .

Sorry, there is still more I need to say today…….

Even through my Mental Illness I am happy, I mean no disrespect to anyone when I say this, my lack of happiness has never been down to other people it has been down to me. I have now let go and am addressing something I have hidden as best I could for 20 years, people have known for this amount of time that I suffer with depression but so many people do these days. I think I always knew it was more than just depression (I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, I find it hard when people say they are depressed because there football team has lost and other things like that, I especially found it hard when a “famous” doctor (fucking jumped up arrogant book monkey!!) tweeted something along the lines of “Is there a medical term for the depression and desperation felt when you come to the end of a box set “ My reply was “for a doctor I think this comment is disgusting, basically making light of mental illness, did u learn that from a book?” He then was happy to let his followers attack me and carry on with his arrogant bullshit!)

Nearly finished I promise…..Watch Cyberbully (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I recently decided to try and keep my Facebook page separate from this blog and Twitter for a couple of VERY IMPORTANT reasons but I was persuaded tonight to keep things as they were. I did this in part due to possible future #stigma after all I am an alcoholic with mental health issues, not a very good prospect for the future, alcoholics fall off the wagon all the time and the mentally ill are dangerous…… Bollox I was more dangerous when I hid it all, having it all out in the open (maybe a bit too open sometimes!) makes me no risk at all because I am honest and selfish enough to say “i’m feeling a bit yampy i’m gunna leave or go for a walk or have a kip”. Lets just flip back to my earlier “empowerment” “What’s the worst that could happen?”. Sometimes I can’t handle being around people, sometimes I feel people are laughing at me, sometimes I feel people are judging me. I don’t know why and it happens a lot less now, all I do is remove myself from the situation, simple, keep adapting and reevaluating, be honest with yourself and others and you will find some happiness and serenity. Veronica has serenity, i’m working my way towards it, if I had followed Veronica’s path maybe I would now have serenity, but all the shit of the nearly 11 years since I gave the booze up has been hard and has made me ill, it has also made me the man I am today, the man who receives DM’s like the one above, the man that school friends I haven’t seen for 25 years say they are proud of me, the man that a number of people have said is inspirational, that’s got to get you thinking (especially you Alex!), surely that has you thinking?

New readers may be thinking wheres this Black Country Yam Yam numpty got the word “serenity” from, Google “The Serenity Prayer” or as I prefer to call it “The Serenity Thingy” I just drop the first “G” word :-/ . This thingy has got me through a lot of scrapes!!!! (i’d say other search engines are available but lets be honest there aren’t!).

And now I am going to become an Author (lol) I have no choice but to get me one of them iPad things, it’s the law….. Any sponsors for this essential equipment are most welcome 🙂 .

“It is what it is”

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

“Live in the moment”

“exboozehound – 1973 – 2003 – 2013”

#timetotype

“Share me, Tweet me, RT me, but please don’t mistreat me” (well… it depends on your definition of mistreat really….. mmmmm”)

Keep Smiling 🙂

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“That’s it really”

This post is dedicated to Catriona, whenever I said to her “it is what it is” she would reply with “That’s it really” always with a huge smile 🙂 .

Problem is I have been to Catriona’s funeral today, she was 42…….

I did’t know her long, but we got on straight away. I managed to upset her one day she misunderstood something I said but we sorted it out and she said something along the lines of “i’m beginning to like you, you’re a cheeky one you’re trouble aren’t you?” with a huge smile 🙂 .

I am guessing her family will never read this but I would like to reinforce what the second speaker said today, she loved her family so much and she showed me pictures of “her boys” a few times, she was so proud of them, she was so proud of her sister and her Mom and Dad and she loved them all from the bottom of her heart, although she did say on a numbers of occasions “they seem to know what I am doing before I do…” we discussed the possibility that they had installed web cams, lol. She had a huge smile on her face 🙂 .

This bit will sound a bit selfish…. I am absolutely gutted she passed away before Christmas because she made me promise I wouldn’t spend it on my own and would go to my brothers, initially I lied to her and she gave me a huge smile 🙂 . I bumped into her later that day and she made me promise again, I did and I think this time I meant it, we gave each other a hug and as I walked away she had a huge smile on her face 🙂 . She was so excited about Christmas and she didn’t get there last year, which is so sad….. I hope if she was looking down to see if I went to my brothers she saw that I did and had a huge smile on her face 🙂 . Thank you Catriona, because I went I got some real “Gem” moments to add to my memory bank and that puts a huge smile on my face 🙂 .

I want to keep this post short so I will just say it was an absolute pleasure to have known you and have a laugh with you, you will be in my thoughts for ever. As you know I don’t do Christmas but the card you gave me the last time I saw you I have in a clip frame, and I promise next Christmas I will enjoy it and not put a Bah Humbug hat on my head. Gunna miss you Catriona… “That’s it really”……..

One last thing, i’m not a big Take That fan but this tune was played at your funeral today and from now on every time I hear it I will think of you and the HUGE SMILE ON YOUR FACE 🙂 .

Take That “Rule the World”

Keep Smiling 🙂

Today has been a day…

Sorry me again……….

Before I start I have registered a new hash-tag #timetotype it is important to talk and get our feelings and thoughts out there but a lot of the time these days we don’t actually talk we type, we type via social media, hence #timetotype.

Today has been a day… I had many things planned today and I did very few of them. This morning I went to a meeting called “Coffee and Cope” organised by an organisation called Rethink check out there website, they are very good! I apologised a number of times during the meeting as I didn’t appear to be able to stop my gob moving, it was moving in a positive way but perhaps moving a little too much. The others there seemed happy enough and were very kind about me, in particular my new mate Rog, he said some things to me that moved me a lot, thank you Rog 🙂 . The positivity wasn’t faked like it has been in the past it was natural 🙂 .

After the meeting I bumped into someone I hadn’t seen for a good while, we spoke a bit about there fantastic news and a bit about my not so good experiences over recent months, but I was still positive about the negativity and I was really happy to here there news!!! I then wondered around the town a bit and started to feel a bit shite, so I ditched my plans and went back home for a bit of a kip. Before I began to feel shite I had the pleasure of being approached by a well know telecomms company about there broadband, the conversation went a little like this: –

Them: Can I ask who your broadband is currently with?

Me: None of your business.

Them: ok, can I ask how much you are currently paying a month for it?

Me: You can ask. but I wont tell you… what I will say is my old man pays for it so I don’t really care.

Them: Ha Ha (nervously 🙂 ) Have you ever considered… (I best not name them so lets just call them “Con Monkey’s”) …Con Monkey’s?

Me: Nope, I have experienced Con Monkey’s service and to be honest they would have to pay me to take their broadband.

Them: That can depend on the area, we always check to make sure you can get the sort of coverage and service you require.

Me: Do you, that’s very good of you…

Them: (with a look of defeat) Well thank you for your time today.

Me: Thank you for yours as well, have a good day now… I walked away with a very pleasant feeling 🙂 .

I wasn’t rude, I had a smile on my face during the conversation.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want to demonstrate how I can go from feeling great to feeling shite in a very short period of time for absolutely no apparent reason. I don’t worry about the why because I don’t think it can be answered and of course “it is what it is”.

I got back home and had a bit of a kip, only for about 40 minutes but that’s the way it goes these days, sleep is not really my area of expertise. I had something really cool I was going to be doing later on and that was to take my nephew to Martial Arts, I was looking forward to that a lot!! I worried a little about it and as I was getting ready I nearly bottled it, but i’d had a text of my Sis earlier to say he was really excited I was taking him. So I strapped on a pair and away we went, he’s a good kid we had a good chat on the way there, probably some inappropriate chat, but I have promised both of my nephews I would always be there for them and always willing to be a bad influence. I watched him doing his stuff for about half an hour and I was so proud, he was the best there by a long long way, that’s not me being a bias Uncle, he has started at a new dojo recently so has had to start from the beginning. He is already belted up in Karate and Kick Boxing, I think this one is called Mixed Martial Arts, he was awesome!!!!! On the way back we played music extremely loudly and bounced up and down like nutters 🙂 . I played a couple of tunes he wanted and then I introduced him to a bit of Linkin Park, which went down well 🙂 .

The point of telling you this is?? If I hadn’t strapped on a pair I wouldn’t now have that “Gem” moment in my life….. It is sometimes really really hard to do very simple things but it can be so worth the effort. If you find something really hard to do sometimes you may have to back off but if you can, give it a go….. what’s the worst that could happen???

Why is the post titled “Today has been a day…”? Because it has been good, it has been bad, it has been scary, it has been exciting, it has been long, it has been short, it has been disappointing, it has been satisfying, it has been lonely, it has been full of people, it has been so many things but in the end it has just been a day.

I have a funeral to go to on Wednesday and I wish I had someone to go along with me but I don’t and if people offered I would probably say no, who knows? Of course I have started to worry it is going to trigger something in me…… But worrying about what might happen is not the way I roll these days, as I said in the last post one of my new motto’s is “Live in the moment” so I am going to stop worrying because if I worry myself out of it and don’t go I will regret it, it won’t be easy and may be very very difficult but at this point I’m not thinking about it anymore…… “Thinking is overrated”.

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype