Author: exboozehound

Words are powerful to me

I would never class myself as a wordsmith, in fact if I ever use a word of a certain intelligence level I have to pause to see if people react differently to expected in case I have used the wrong word. I have insulted a lot of people when I have been trying to sound intelligent.

However words are powerful, for a while now I have been in sales, of different sorts, and I believe a single word can make the difference to getting a sale/appointment or not. I don’t think this needs explanation on here, but I can’t help saying that I had a cold call today from an investment company and the person on the other end of the phone wouldn’t know a positive telephone approach if it smacked them in the face!!!!

So the point of this post, I posted this on Face Book today: –

live in the moment

 

I honestly believe these motto’s have kept me going and ultimately kept me alive, I think I came up with “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” I don’t remember reading it elsewhere so I am going to make a claim to it, I know the other 2 motto’s are from elsewhere but they work for me. I seem to remember commenting recently something along the lines of “recovery from alcoholism and mental health is as complicated as you make it” I definitely remember not agreeing with myself immediately, but there is something in it: –

“It is what it is” for me I cant change the fact I have a bad day then 2 good days then perhaps 3 up and down days, but since I decided to just accept these days change for many reason and I will never answer the specific reason, perhaps because there isn’t one. So “It is what it is”.

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” for me this is just about going with it, sometimes I would find myself feeling guilty for having a good day or a good couple of hours so it would make ill again. I know I am going to have times when I am bouncing off the walls or doing manic ridiculously out of order, scary stuff (FJ&SJ, that’s a private thought but I wanted to mark it in black and white) so I just have to deal with those how ever I can. And now when the good things happen I enjoy them and don’t feel guilty about it (Guilt is a waste of time and energy!!!!). (as and aside if you Google “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” this blog shows up on the first page :)).

“Live in the moment” we all know what this means, life can be complicated for many reasons but if we don’t concentrate on the now and enjoy what we can what is the point? I have heard this phrase a thousand times but it was said to me last night and it finally made sense!!!!!

“Words are powerful to me” because they work as a “trigger” in reverse, I know what these words mean and I know what I have to do (sometimes I cant do what I have to do but “It is what it is”), Maybe they are just a distraction technique, perhaps they are a placebo effect, perhaps this time next week these motto’s will no longer help, but today they do and that’s all that really matters.

*Disclaimer – I am a hypocrite because I have things in my mind that I want to happen, but if I spend all my time trying to make them happen exactly the way I want I’m not going to have time to enjoy what is happening and whatever has happened before I can’t change. The things that I want to happen are very new things for me so i’m gunna enjoy then as much as I possibly can and gather together as many “Gem” moments as possible :).

I know there were other points I wanted to make in this post but I cant remember them at the moment……

I had a very proud moment the other day by promoting this blog on Twitter as much as I could my Followers increased massively and I got an awful lot of RT’s and Favourites. One of my favourites was a fantastic description of me and my blog: –

junction project

In a Twitter conversation with @unsuicide I suggested a campaign called “Time to Type” and it was suggested I setup a Hashtag, this I had to Google and I have now setup #timetotype. Talking is important but how often do we talk today, we type a lot more! So if you get chance please use #timetotype.

And for now… last but definitely not least thank you to all that have followed, replied, RT’d, Favourited etc over the last couple of days, please keep doing it. If you like what I say/type please let me know and if you disagree let me know as well!!

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype

 

A Bit Cheeky

Last night and this morning my Tweets total has gone from 1024 to 1172, I tweeted anyone I follow and anyone who follows me (apart from those that have already RT’d me) with this: –

RT

Yes it was a bit cheeky and could be considered as a bit spamish, but I was polite, I am overwhelmed with the response. My followers increased from 50 to 65, not big numbers yet but that’s an increase of 30%, my Connect page was awesome RT’s, Reply’s, Favourites and new Followers all over the shop, including some famous people………… Bostin ay it!!

I have tried to Tweet “Thank You” to everyone and have Followed the new Followers, I have tweeted an apology for anyone I’ve missed, blaming my “stupidity” as my excuse. I’m not actually stupid, perhaps academically stupid but I have a certain level of intelligence. The real excuse for missing anyone will be my complete inability to concentration for long periods of time (long periods being more than 5 minutes!), lack of concentration is a symptom of mental illness, I have now begun to wonder if my poor academic achievements are also down to mental illness, well I say “I have now begun to wonder…” in fact my wondering has stopped because it doesn’t matter….. cant change it move on.

I class myself as “Intellectually Challenged” and I’m happy with that 🙂

I’m not going to rant and rave today because today is a positive day all I’m going to say is Recovery from Alcoholism or Mental Illness (in my opinion!) is as complicated as you make it. You probably disagree and I will probably disagree with me when I read this back in the future but, I got off the booze because of Bupa they paid for my month at the Woodbourne Priory Birmingham. I’m pretty sure I would not have been able to do it with AA or Aquarius I had to be taken out of the real world and concentrate on one thing. In February I will be 11 years sober, I am and always will be an alcoholic, I still miss the booze but in the end not drinking was pretty “uncomplicated” (that’s not true but lets go with it). I basically got Step 1: –

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

My Mental Illness recovery is still on going, but I have come a very long way!! I took a backwards step over the last week or so but oddly I’m happy about this because it has made me realise I’m not as stable as I thought so need to reevaluate. However I find my recovery easier to deal with when I keep it “uncomplicated” and I do this with a couple of “uncomplicated” motto’s: –

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

“It is what it is”

I’m sure there are others but I cant remember them at the moment (told you “Intellectually Challenged”), if there are others they will be on this blog somewhere.

I have a long way to go to return to “Normality” (“return to” is a bit strong as I’ve never been a “Normal”!) but I know I am better than I have ever been, I have feelings now, I now know I can feel. I am better than I have ever been because finally I am addressing it and not just trying to hide and ignore it.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

That’ll do for today…..

Keep Smiling 🙂

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Whats the point?

The title of this post may seem negative but I promise you it isn’t!!!

The questions is about whats the point of this blog and the answer is it varies depending on where my noggin is on that day. On the first page of this blog “About Me” there is a paragraph that goes like this: –

“I have started this blog to share my experiences, good and bad. I am going to be completely honest and I guarantee I will contradict myself from time to time.”

On my “Intro Post” I wrote a number of disclaimers. I hadn’t planned to swear quite as much as I have, I have used *’s a lot but I have left someone of the swears pure. If you saw my recent attempt at poetry (lol) you will know swearing is actually cool!!! 

Remember you need to rhythm to “Santa Claus you c**t” in your head to read it correctly…..

depression you cunt

 

I have stated my views on the NHS most of them negative, justifiably!!, but I always speak positively about NHS staffl. Yesterday I needed to call a crisis line for help, I’ve had poor experiences with these lines before. I believe that most of us are happy to complain but don’t give credit where credit is due enough, I try to do both, recently I had an on-line conversation, I am very happy with the deal I squeezed out of them but complimented the person on their sales skills, sorry customer service skills (?!?!) and when I received a “satisfaction survey” I went to town with praise for their operative “Nicola”. So “Marie” credit where credit is due, you were fantastic yesterday when you called me back from the crisis line, (yes you had to call me back because when I first tried to call the line it was engaged twice….) you are another example of brilliant, caring and knowledgeable NHS staff, Thank you!

So, “Whats the point?” of this blog, I still don’t know but I do know what I want the point to be…….

Honestly I want to help me but more importantly I want to help others, I want to make a difference. I can’t get back the 20 years of my life I have wasted with booze and mental illness but I can do something to help others not waste years of their lives. I have destroyed so many things in the past and the present and this is where my destructive tendencies stop!!!

I need to raise the profile of this site and I need YOUR help, I guess admitting you read this blog is embarrassing but so many of you have complimented me on my “honesty and openness” in private. You could be reading this blog because you have a loved one with booze or mental health issues nobody needs to know why you are reading this BUT PLEASE TELL PEOPLE. I have used my family connection to @BillyIdol, he RT’d me and I gained some followers from Australia, America, Canada and the UK. Please please follow me on Twitter and invite others to follow me, please RT me. Please like and share my blog posts on Facebook, I know there are people out there that read the blog but have never liked or shared a link. If you know or are related to anyone influential be it just mouthy or famous please get them to follow and RT me on Twitter. You can subscribe to receive posts by email but it doesn’t always work so Twitter is the place WE need to concentrate on.

If you are embarrassed about reading my blog I understand if you have to tweet something like “@exboozehound lol this bloke is proper mad as a bucket of frogs #bonkers” that’s cool.

Thank you in anticipation for your help, yam all bostin!!!

Tweet, Re-tweet, Favourite, Reply, Share, Like, Comment and of course Keep Smiling 🙂

Stable? Are you F**K!

I have realised today I’m not as stable as I thought, if i’m honest I have been slowly realising this over the last few days. I went to a meeting this week, the presentation given was titled “Adult Social Care Budget Engagement – What’s Important to You?” it may not sound very interesting but it was. There weren’t many people there and as usual I think I had the most to say, most of it negative or as we say in sales “constructive criticism” . However I have been in touch with one of the guys who gave the presentation and they appear to be interested in my feedback, even though I said things like “Your websites are pathetic” and “The government don’t want to fix the NHS it’s not in their interest it’s too expensive and they want to get rid”. After this meeting I was not well and in the meeting I could feel my twitching and buzzing head coming on, hard work but hopefully worth it. I didn’t start realising anything at this point.

On Friday I met with a friend for a McDonald’s (other eating establishments are available, but just in case I can get some free stuff… Excellent food, excellent service, would recommend) we sat and talked about various stuff and I started to notice I was talking at 100 mph and feeling a bit manic. I started to get a bit stressed and thinking people where watching me thinking “Nutter”. Strangely I can’t remember Saturday…… Hey ho “it is what is is”.

Today has been a strange one and as at about 23:00 I had decided I need to put myself in hospital, I just want to be dosed up and out of it for a while to get some peace. However i’m pretty sure they wont hospitalise me unless i’m a danger to myself or others…. The problem is I’m not a danger to others (never have been never will be) and even through all the pain of the last couple of days i’m still not a danger to myself. I could lie and say I am, but I don’t lie anymore it is now my policy that if I can’t be honest I don’t say anything. I need to say at this point if you are reading this and you think this is your fault, IT ISN’T!! “it is what it is” remember “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” and “Guilt is a waste of energy”…. If I didn’t want to help I wouldn’t have I would of just left you to it, if anything you have helped me realise I need to reevaluate and re-plan…. So I helped you and you helped me… End of!! 

I have written two poems in the last couple of days, one of them is pretty private and very important to me and the other one I posted on Face Book earlier, there are a lot of *’s!!!! You need to know an old song called “Santa Claus You C**T” to know the rhythm (?) of the words, they fit to this tune (just about): –

A poem by exboozehound entitled “Hey Depression You C**T”

Hey Depression you c**t
Were still in a fucking fight
You tried to take my life from me but you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
Yes you had a proper go and you’re still fu**ing with my mind
But you aint got a fu**ing chance cus you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight
Have you got the message yet
You’re a fu**ing pussy shite!!

Ok….. it’s not Shakespeare, and I couldn’t make the last bit fit as it should, but I think it has certain qualities (??). I thought I felt alright this morning, I was speaking with someone on Face Book they asked “are you struggling today?” and I replied “not really, bit weird but im on top form for a loon bag 🙂 x”. I don’t think they believed me, I believed me. Reading it back I no longer believe me because very soon after that I began to mis-behave….. I thought my poem (if that’s an accurate word?) was positive, I’m now unsure…. I’m not going to worry about that cus as we all know by now “it is what it is”.

At about 20:30 tonight I posted another fairly telling thing on Face Book and I pasted a link to this post into comments on the Face Book pages of Jeremy Hunt, Norman Lamb, David Cameron and Ed Miliband, yup I kid you not :-/, I also emailed the link to two of Norman Lamb’s people, yes two :-/. But you know what I don’t regret it, maybe I will at some point but at the moment I stand by my post 100%: –

I hope you 2 useless fuckwits are having a relaxing Sunday. I’ve spent a lot of mine talking to someone on Twitter who is very close to taking an overdose because your fucking NHS is a complete and utter waste of space. I will be meeting with my local MP soon and I hope he will pass on my exact thoughts on to you although I would prefer to do it in person. Sort it out or admit you can’t and fuck right off!!!

https://www.facebook.com/jeremyhuntsws
I also tweeted: –

@Jeremy_Hunt A monkey cld do yr job better & u @normanlamb one of yr people once replied to me on FB & then nothing. #mentalhealth #nhs

It didn’t end there, there were also a number of other tweets, below are a couple of the better ones: –

@Jeremy_Hunt @normanlamb @APMiller1949 They need to strap on a pair and admit they can’t and don’t want to fix the NHS

And…..

@Jeremy_Hunt @normanlamb @APMiller1949 it’s not about mental health to them tho it’s about numbers, bullshit and votes

I think we can probably agree i’m not as stable as I thought. I have been a bit of a mad man over the last couple of days. I’m not ashamed and I wont feel guilty because they are pointless wastes of energy, yes I’m not happy if I have upset or worried anyone but they know I don’t mean any harm. A few weeks ago I was a danger to myself, now i’m not and I can prove it, I will tell you a little secret…. Today I went to Asda and I parked on the top floor, when I got out of the car I smiled and said “fuck you” (I was speaking to the car park, Oof! probably shouldn’t admit that!). I did a little bit of shopping then got in the lift to go back to the top floor, as I got out of the lift I put on my Ray-Ban’s (any free stuff would be most welcome, there really isn’t any other sunglasses worth wearing!) lit a cigarette and walked around the whole perimeter of the top floor, smiling like a loon. I used to poo my pants up there it really worried me, but now I was laughing at the place it no longer holds any fear for me…… :).

So, we know I could be a little more stable but we also know I have come a long way…. is my poem positive or negative? Who knows but one bit that I know is positive is: –

You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight

Please continue with me on my journey, I am proof that it does get better, you can cope, you will continue to cope, you are strong enough, you are worth it, people love you, people want you to get better, people want you to be happy, you will find happiness (perhaps not all the time, but keep a note of the “gem” moments they will mount up), yes you will have wobbles and bad times but all you have to do is keep adapting, be honest with yourself and the people around you, it’s pretty simple really just…….

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Now, what was I gunna do next, oh yes bring down the government…..

Keep Smiling 🙂Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

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OK (?)

G’day all, hope you are all well? I’m going to try to make this post more of a question, that’s the plan anyway. If you have been reading this blog and the comments you will be familiar with a guy called Alex, in one comment he said something along the lines of “I hate you blog sometimes because it makes me think” with that comment he basically hit the nail on the head. I often think too much and have said on many occasions “Thinking is Overrated”. The problem with thinking sometimes is it spirals out of control and drives you bonkers, but I started this blog because someone else got me thinking again, thinking in a different way. He thought very similar things to me which made me think “I am not as mad as a bucket of frogs, other people think like me, I am just unwell”. So I thought, I wonder if my thoughts could help others (and selfishly, me of course!), and from feedback I have had my thoughts and feelings do help others, so I am chuffed to bits!!! Maybe delusional thinking but…. Have I found my purpose??

Anyway, back to the question. I got an email yesterday from someone who has helped me in a major way during my “I’ve gone bonkers” period, part of that email went like this: –

“The manic thingy was quite normal for where you are at the moment. Feeling “ok” currently is a very fragile emotion currently. I won’t stop challenging you though, as you will be able to see how things are going. It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesn’t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”

Oof!…… Has it got you thinking? Got me thinking straight away…..

“”OK” currently is a VERY FRAGILE EMOTION”

Oof!….. Here’s what i’m thinking, “OK” is perhaps the most tricky part of the recovery process, when you’re in the “pit of doom” you are in bed because you physically cant get out and if you do manage to drag yourself out of bed the whole day doesn’t really happen. When you’re feeling good it’s good but a bit of an alien feeling. When you’re feeling “OK” the up’s and down’s can happen many times a day and many times an hour, that’s tiring, that’s fucking hard work!

Now lets look at the last part: –

“It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesn’t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”

That’s the sort of support I need, that’s the sort of support you should be trying to give to your loved ones because if they are still fighting, believe me they are making a great effort every day!! I am very lucky as I have so much support from family, friends (old and new), colleagues, Facebooker’s, Twitter’ers and of course you guys who take the time to comment on here. I am very lucky because my support team give me understanding and don’t judge me, maybe there are some in my support team that think Mental Illness is just in the mind and I should just pull myself together and have a good holiday, I can understand that as I have said before many times “I am a Neanderthal with depression, if I hadn’t experienced it I would be one of those idiots that says just pull yourself together”.

So a few questions to other peoples support teams: –

Are you giving that sort of support?

Are you helping rather than hindering?

Are you keeping your outdated, shite views to yourself?

Are you going to understand that your loved one isn’t making shit up?

If they had broken a leg would you think it was soft to have it plastered and they should just man up?

And one question to those who are fighting hard on a daily basis: –

Is “OK” ok or a fragile emotion that requires an awful lot of effort?

Keep Smiling 🙂

One more questions, does any of the above make any sense at all??

6th January 2014

At the end of 6th January 2014 I posted on Facebook “Well 6th January 2014….. It’s been emotional… Bring on the next one and we will have another go” It was a strange day….. It started with a Rethink meeting called “Coffee and Cope” (every time I tell anyone that they hear the word Cope as Coke, it’s my Yamyam/Brummy accent :)), it was a good meeting. The last couple of meetings I have come away a little stressed and manic but Monday’s meeting was good. In the afternoon I went to a meeting that will change my future quite a lot, I wont say what the meeting was about until it is all official but the outcome is life changing, in both a bad and good way…. (?). Life changing moments bad and good can be huge triggers for me I never know if I am going to spiral out of control, but I didn’t :). The motorway journey was cool and there were no thoughts of sticking the car into the barrier, which may sound odd but it is a huge thing for me :).  (Suicidal Thoughts, gunna speak about them in a bit). If i’m honest, and unfortunately I am, it doesn’t even have to be life changing moments that can trigger a spiral it can be as simple as changing plans….. Changing plans happen all the time and now I cope with them, partly because of “it is what is is”, nothing in life is guaranteed, now I know that there aint no stopping me…..Movie Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

I had a therapy session yesterday and it went really well it is leading up to a therapy called Mindfulness, anyway one of the sentences I came out with was along the lines of “I have loads of coping mechanisms but I now know I can’t trust or rely on any of them completely”. I think this is a realistic approach because if you rely on one specific thing and it doesn’t work then you will spiral out of control….. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!!! I try all my different things and if none of them work I stop trying and save my energy…. “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”. We have all had those times when we “Know” it’s never going to get better and we have survived them and been proved very wrong, we may all have those times again, but that’s cool we actually do “Know” we can survive them and it will get better!!!!

My Mom said to me yesterday “I think we both knew this would happen one day” she was talking about me finally breaking and she is right, I knew it would happen one day and although it has been horrendous at times I am actually happy it has now happened. The daily struggle of keeping going is fucking hard work and in the end is what destroyed me but now I have the opportunity to rebuild. Starting again at 40 seems a bit scary at times and I am sure it will have it’s ups and downs but whats the alternative? Answer, There ain’t one… I hope people don’t mind me saying this… Just look at our Military coming home with massive physical and emotional scars, those men and women are inspirational, if we can follow there example we can’t go wrong. I’ve just read some bad news about the ex-servicemen in the Dakar Rally, I think these are the guys that were on Top Gear, when I watched that episode I got close to tears but when Richard Hammond was speaking with them talking about there injuries and what they got up to in hospital it was amazing, those guys are amazing and massively inspirational!! I know I have gone off on a bit of a tangent but what could be more inspirational than these men and women? Answer, Nothing!

As an aside my Mom also informed me I have been spelling “Soba” wrong it should be “Sober”…… D’oh!!Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Ok, lets talk about Suicidal Thoughts, it’s not a nice subject but it is a real subject. I don’t have them these days which is awesome, in part I think these are no longer an issue for me because I talked about them on here, with family, with friends and even with work colleagues….. Why not, they are a matter of fact and if we don’t talk about them they will not go away. Suicidal thoughts are not rational, they make no sense but they exist and they are very real, they have to be addressed. Please don’t keep suicidal thoughts to yourself, yes they will upset people but they are probably upset anyway because they don’t like to see you feeling so unwell and feel they can’t do anything to help. If you can’t speak to family or friends tell your GP or a local Mental Health charity or the Samaritans, there are options please use one of them!!!

A little bit about your family and friends being upset seeing you unwell, my guess is you are feeling guilty about the pressure you are putting on them….. well don’t!!!!! Simple as that!!! You didn’t ask for your illness, you didn’t do anything to make your illness happen it just happened and is happening. Don’t waste your energy on guilt you need your energy to battle the big stuff. If they didn’t want to help they wouldn’t and if it was the other way around you know you would want to help them and would be horrified if they felt guilty receiving your help.

As usual this post ended up being something it wasn’t going to be in the first place, but I think that is good it’s just the ramblings of a strange man with an illness that is getting better. I hope you got something from it?

I’m also a philosopher (nope didn’t I spell that right at the first attempt!) I posted this on FB just after midnight recently: –

It is now tomorrow so today (yesterday) is gone, tomorrow (today) is a new start and the day after today (tomorrow) matters when today (tomorrow) has gone…. Life’s simple really ?

Keep Smiling ?

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Going to print (sort of)

Yesterday I spent another 3 hours going through my “thingymajig” mainly formatting it but a bit of proof reading as well. Having to read it back destroyed me a bit and I have huge doubts about actually publishing it but I think today will be the day :-\

I think I’ve mentioned on here before that I hit 20000 words and then a couple of things smacked me in the fizog (face) and made me quite ill again, I realised that one of the things that was making me ill was writing the thingymajig and I needed to either publish it or forget it. I have pasted in the blog contents up to a certain date and although this might seem like a bit of a cheat I actually think it is ok for me to do this? I’ve set the price at £5 if I get bad feedback about the price I will reduce it (possibly). It’s not about the money for me, although cus I can’t work on the grounds of being a nut job I do need some cash, in the main it’s about other people asking me to do it and saying my words helped them and will help others. This might sound a bit delusional but I think my words can help people, actually I know they can because I have had a number of messages in private and in the open saying just this, this fills me with such pride….

Finally I have achieved something, finally I can feel like I have succeeded at something…. No it’s not what I always wanted to achieve, good job, big house, expensive cars and all that jazz but to have been told I stopped someone killing themselves is so much more worth while than all that shite!!!!

Saf made this comment a few days ago xxx

 APRIL 1, 2014

The world needs those memoirs! They will be on my book shelf. You forgot one other thing you are good at…helping others! You and your blog has reached out to others and made a difference! What if thats been ure destiny all along. Helluva price to pay I know but what u do matters. People need to hear the voice of the ‘patient’ its certainly improved my practice as a nurse in addictions and personally i know im not alone in dealing with whats in my head!

I have no words to respond properly to this….

I had a message on Twitter the other day simply saying “Thank you for cheering me up this morning” This filled me with a wonderful feeling and all I did was basically say “hi, how are you?”.

So as I’ve said before “thinking (thunking) is overrated” “Just do it” “it is what it is” “enjoy the good and ride out the bad” “strap on a pair”.

I have strapped on a pair and I’m ready to roll….

I think? :-\

Keep Smiling 🙂

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#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




Omdat het door de hoofpijn gewoon niet meer prettig is of het stimuleren van de follikel en waardoor veel van de wanden van bloedvaten en i had no idea Water during the town’s fire chief Behandeling gigantisch ingezet kapitaal. Open pillen moeten op een donkere of dit seksuele supplement ondersteunt mannelijke Lees meer bij libido.

Mind, Body and Soul

I felt an overwhelming urge to post something today I didn’t know what then from nowhere the phrase “Mind, Body and Soul” popped into my noggin, so I decided to Google exactly what this phrase means….. None of the explanations work for me, plus I have the concentration power of a biscuit so I couldn’t be arsed to read them.

I think the “Mind Body and Soul” phrase came from my subconscious mind (I know a bit about this these days as I have downloaded so many hypnosis sleep App’s!!!). I am pretty sure my mental health and previous booze issues have taken My Mind, My Body and My Soul poked at them for many years and then decided to smash them to bits last year………. I was broken……… Now it is time to rebuild and the rebuild has begun. The builders I am using have been messing me about a bit so I have sacked the foreman and employed another, he is a bit wet behind the ears and new to the job but there is something about him, he has passion, he has determination, he has fight and he seems to have the abilities of a Weeble…………..       (Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down).

So, a while a go I read a memoir by a guy called Danny Baker I have mentioned him a couple of times before, some people find him too positive, I do sometimes, but there is something about him. I have tweeted him on Twitter and told him he helped switch back on my fight with his memoir. I have mentioned on this blog before that my recovery is a changing thing something will help for a while and then it begins to hinder so I have to find a different approach. I talk a lot about “Having Fight”, with no fight mental health will destroy you, your mind will keep telling you stuff that hurts and when it finds the right thing to hurt you it will batter you with it constantly, when you get used to that and it no longer bothers you your mind will find something else and start to batter you again. I talk a lot about “Battle” pretty much the same thing, you have to “Fight and Battle” to get your daily wins, sometimes you have to “Fight and Battle” just to get out of bed and have a shower. Who are the best people at Fighting and Battling?………. The Military, and of course the British Military are the best of the best.

I am my own soldier in my own war of the noggin, but mental health doesn’t just effect the mind it takes the whole of you, beats the shit out of you and then dumps you in a pile of shit and carries on laughing and poking and kicking you around the floor…..

Mental Health Destroy’s Your Mind, Body and Soul…

We have all seen the military films, there is always one recruit who fucks up and gets all the punishments but they always turn out to be the best recruit (Light bulb moment?). I have heard this said before and I have just Googled it and Google is never wrong, Google is your friend….

The Military……..

Essentially they are breaking down your civilian attitude and building you into a soldier.

Mental health……..

Essentially it breaks you down (Mind, Body and Soul) and you have to rebuild yourself.

A friend recently sent me a message on Facebook and suggested I should listen to a song and the chorus goes like this…..

In my recovery, I’m a soldier at war, I have broken down walls, I defined, I designed, My recovery……..

Keep Smiling 🙂

Please have a look at this page as well

Angry

I only posted yesterday so this might be too early to post again but today I am angry, today I am feeling sorry for myself, today I am questioning if I am a good person, today I’ve fucking had enough!!

There will be some language to follow so I will apologise now…..

First lets get something straight…. Yes I have had enough, yes I feel I cannot take this shit anymore, yes I feel desperate but NO, STILL NO THOUGHTS OF I MUST END MY LIFE!!!! Thankfully they are history, hopefully for good!!!!! Those thoughts being history is awesome but I will tell you one thing for sure it has got absolutely fuck all to do with the NHS, if the NHS was all the support I had there would be no exboozehound blog, there would be no exboozehound, he would be gone by now. There are many reasons why I am still here, my Mom, my Dad, my Brother, my Sister in law, my Nephews, my Aunt, my Nan, my cats, my new friends from this blog, my friends (actual and social media) and a guy named Danny Baker who I found on Twitter…. The other reason I am still here is “ME”, yes i’m a bit fucked up but I wont give up….. no fucking way!!

I am fully aware people will defend the NHS, but I am not going to apologise for anything on this post apart from the language….

It’s not just the Mental Health part of the NHS its the whole lot, someone I know has just been treated like a piece of meat in Russells Hall Hospital, Dudley, West Midlands, DY1 2HQ. Each department seems to be a separate country with absolutely no way of communicating with each other.

Lets be honest this government, the government before and the following government will NEVER fix the NHS, it’s not in their interest, it’s too expensive…… if it was a factory it would of been shut down fucking years ago.

My NHS story is on here somewhere, i’m not going to go over it again but to sum up they might of well just bent me over a table and fucked me….. Yes I am speaking with good people now that are investigating my complaints and I have now seen a psychiatrist and will shortly be starting some therapy and yes they will now go to work on me and sort me out but if they had done something useful back in June, maybe back in January, maybe years back I wouldn’t be ranting on here today, I would probably be moaning about my first day back at work in 2014. Asking for help is a difficult thing to do, when you ask for help you should not have to wait months to get some help and my story is nothing in comparison to others I now know of, my months waiting would be classed as a slick operation……..

My Mental Health is mainly to blame as to why I am where I am today, my “i’m a man, men don’t cry” bollox has something to answer for as well but and this is a huge BUT the NHS is culpable in a big way!!!!

I think that will do, I want to say so much more but my concentration has gone.

We are lucky to have an NHS I know that, but if the doors aren’t open and there’s no connected stuff inside what the fucks the point???????

“Oh you have a broken leg, we could put it in plaster but I just need to check with 15 departments. It is a bit cold in here, why don’t you run around and do some star jumps to keep warm? Oh that made your leg worse, who’d of thought it?”

You can’t keep a good man down and I am a good man I have been told so today :).

Keep smiling 🙂

Bring it on then 2014

2013 is over (talk about stating the obvious!)

2014 is here (FFS Jon your intelligence is on fire today dude!)

So what is 2014 going to bring?….. if you read a recent post my answer to that has a lot of swear words in so I will make it a little more pleasant……. I don’t know and don’t really care……. I do care but I will be taking it as it comes, day by day as much as I possibly can and get me a collection of Daily Wins….. hopefully!!

One of the first things I have to do is fill out lots of crappy forms to ensure I can receive my £71.70 per week, yup 1st January 2014 is the day I am officially receiving benefits, previously this would of bothered me a lot!!! I have always worked and over the last few years it has been based around sales in different guises. I have been made redundant a number of times, one time was after 7 days of starting with the company but I always just walked into another job, the reason for this is I am bloody good at what I do,  give me a target and I will smash it. The only target I struggled with is the volume one, but look at any of my figures and you will see volume is not important, quality counts and I brought quality. Hopefully one day telesales companies will realise they have to take the risk, reduce the volume targets and reap the benefits of quality!!!!!!!

The next thing I want to do is get a couple of tattoos, I’ve been banging on about getting a sleeve for a long time, but I can’t afford that at the moment….. I was going to base it around “bad comes good” on my forearm was going to be my “pit of doom” with the “demons” climbing out, I want the demons on my forearm so I could keep an eye on the little bastards at all times. Moving up the arm to a Smile Now Cry Later image, cus this sums up my life for the last 10 years, I don’t think that needs explaining? I would say moving to the “Bicep” area but I need to get me some of them bad boys first so I will just say the top of the arm was going to include lots of good things…. possibly “12 Steps” with the first step being a bright colour to signify that I have got “Step 1”, sobriety symbol, a butterfly (not very manly but very significant!) and a bit of a sunset to signify a new day? A few mansell’isms as well (words I have nicked to make me look thoughtful and deep). The tattoos I have decided on are just going to symbolise “now” and past significant dates. (possibly a stick man???)

After those things I don’t really know what is next (that is a lie but I have to keep a few things to myself).

Doing this blog has been amazing for me, I hope it has helped others as well, I know it has because some of you have told me so, but I also have to bear in mind it has probably damaged a few things for me as well!! My future job prospects and my future relationships being a couple of things that will of been damaged, who is going to want to take the risk to employ or get close to a Mentalist (I know words like that are not good for some people but it is how I cope with it, sorry). I have 2 illnesses…. “Alcoholism” yes in February I will be 11 years soba, but I am still an alcoholic, always have been and always will be, and “Mental”. Both are scary things to normal folk but I can state now for the record: –

Yup, I have issues but I am one of the most decent people you are ever likely to meet, loyal, honest, hard working, giving and of course incredibly handsome, maybe even beautiful!! 🙂

I know,  what a tosser eh! “hey ho” “it is what it is” & “that’s it really”

“that’s it really” is not a mansell’ism, it may become one? I have definitely stolen that one from someone. Unfortunately I didn’t know her for long, I met her through a Mental Health charity called Rethink (look them up, they do good stuff!). The last time I saw her she was really excited about Christmas, she gave me a Christmas card which I now have in a clip frame, she made me promise I would go to my brothers for Christmas day because she didn’t want me to be on my own. I found out on Monday that she had died, before Christmas. We got on instantly, I recongnised her from the area, probably for the wrong reasons. I don’t like putting it like that but I am just being honest, i’m not going to explain, but I got to know her a bit and as Danny Dyer would say “she waz a facking diamond”. During one meeting I was worried I had upset her a bit, but eventually she turned around and said things like “i’m starting to like you, you’re a cheeky one aren’t you”, “you’re trouble aren’t you?”, “you make me laugh, you’re funny”. One day I noticed she hadn’t brought a drink, she was obviously skint so I purchased her a Coke and she didn’t stop saying thank you, that for me, maybe selfishly, is a “gem” moment in my life :). I hope she was as happy as she seemed at the end, looking forward to watching her new DVD (The Croods), looking forward to Christmas and spending time with her family and especially spending more time with her sister and her nephews. I’m going to miss her at our meetings on a Monday……………….. RIP xxx

So….. Bring it on then 2014, your brother, 2013, kicked the shit out of me but I am still standing, your brother kicked the shit out of many people but they are still standing. 2014 you ain’t got nothing that I and others cant deal with, there will be things you bring that will knock us about a bit, but we will come back at you again and again and everyday day we will kick the shit out of you!!

Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down…..

Happy New Year everyone.

Keep smiling 🙂