Category: Mental Illness

Jibber Jabber

I have so many thoughts and feelings going around in my head at the moment that I don’t know where I am. Part of me is good, part of me is bad, part of me is horrendous and a lot of me is very tired of it all. I am happy I started this blog I am still getting messages from people saying they are reading it and giving me great feedback and encouragement, some people that I would never think would read a blog like this. I am having some great conversations on Twitter with people I have never met and that have so much to give even though they have battled through so much. There are some good good people out there :).

So i’m going to “Jibber Jabber” on for a bit, soz….

Lets get the nasty bit out of the way first, I still have suicidal thoughts and they vary from thoughts to feelings, they go from “I wish that fat C**T that sat on me beating me unconscious had carried on and done a proper job” and I think about returning the favour, a stint inside would finish me off. They go to “just do it Jon, end the pain, end the hassle, put yourself and the people around you out of the misery”, having said that I am 99.99% sure this is not the answer, it’s “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and through all the thoughts of “failing at life” that would be failing, whilst I am still fighting I am succeeding at life. If you are battling a mental illness and you are still here you are succeeding and you should be proud of yourself, cus it aint easy!! The thoughts are less these days, probably every couple of days rather than every day :).

Although I have a mental illness some of the effects are very physical, tiredness, shaking, slowness, weakness, nausea, twitchy… there are so many more but my lack of concentration means I cant think of them. A lot of the current effects are more than likely down to the 200mg’s of meds a day, but what is the alternative, for me at the moment, there isn’t an alternative. I am pretty sure that the meds I am on are not perfect for me I am also pretty sure that the experts don’t know either, I believe a lot of what the experts do is nothing but guess work!!!! I believe in the placebo effect…… Ibuprofen cures headaches doesn’t it? Yup sometimes…. Nope not all the time….. Tic Tacs do the same?? I have once cured a headache by putting blue-tac on my forehead… Me mad? how dare you!

There are so many mental illnesses and I get it when people feel better when they are given a diagnosis “a label”, it bothers me that my sick note still says “depression” when a GP, Counselor, CPN and a Psychiatrist have spoken about “clinical depression” and “major depression disorder” but what difference does it really make. Fact is we are ill, we have a mental illness, we have mental health issues….. We are most definitely not seeking attention, being dramatic, lazy….. We can’t pull ourselves together, snap out of it, man up….. If we could we would because being where we are is f**king horrendous!!! It is painful most days, when you have a good day there is then further to drop down when you have a bad day, that hurts!! From my AA days there was a saying along the lines of “there is no such thing as a bad day, it’s a bad few minutes or a bad hour” (pretty sure that isn’t the saying but you get me drift) This is a good and bad saying….. If you have a “bad day” maybe you are wallowing a little bit so split your day up into smaller chunks and have a couple of bad hours instead. However having lots of good hours and some bad hours can be very painful and tiring and it can definitely mess your noggin up good and proper!! This is where my “it is what it is” works for me, I try to enjoy the good and I just ride out the bad and in doing that I can cope??

“Thinking is over rated”…. all the questions and thoughts that go through our minds, Why? What if? How? Should I?……. there are no answers to them, and if you do find an answer I guarantee it will be different the next time you answer it, so don’t waste your time and energy thinking about them, easier said than done, i’m thinking good and bad things now but thinking about them ain’t going to change them. You have to either do something about the thoughts and feelings or just accept them and deal with them when you have to. (not sure if that is helpful, but it helps me at the moment). I have to keep in mind that my thoughts and feelings might hurt others but I also have to keep in mind that at the moment my thoughts and feelings are more important than anyone else’s, not a nice thing but sometimes you have to be selfish to protect yourself and your recovery.

Today I am in pain, today I am struggling…… at the moment, this could change so I am just riding it out and lets see where it takes me. There are things that I want to do, there are places I want to go, but worrying about them ain’t going to change anything. If I do those things or go to those places that will be cool, if I don’t “it is what it is” “what happens happens” and of course “shit happens”.

I’m not sure if there is any point to the above “Jibber Jabber” but it has helped me so as I am very good at being selfish i’m gunna put that one down as a “Win” 🙂

Keep smiling 🙂

Tough Day

Hell of a tough day today……….. but I think a productive and significant one 🙂

Today was the day I met face to face with the NHS regarding my complaint about their Mental Health “System” and the pain, frustration and destruction it causes. The guy I met with was very good, he seemed to be caring and genuinely interested in what I had to say, he is yet another good good person within a pathetic, not fit for purpose system.

I am fully aware that we are lucky to have an NHS and I am fully aware they save and make lives better again and again, hour after hour, day after day, etc… One of the things I need to remind you of is that part of the reason I made the complaint is because people with in the system (staff) basically asked me to, which I think says a lot…..

We spoke for over an hour, it was quite painful to go through everything again and difficult because my memory isn’t brilliant at the moment so things can get confused. As I was walking to the place I could feel myself getting anxious, going inside myself, walking along with Sun Glasses on, hood up, ear phones in blocking out the outside world.

Sitting in the waiting room, with a nice cup of tea, I got out my little red note book and pen and wrote down the date, the place and who I was seeing (like a numpty!), throughout the whole meeting I didn’t write another thing. As I said earlier the guy I saw seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, he genuinely seemed to care and understand the pain the system had caused me, and causes others, because of this blog I have stories from other people who have been treated worse than me. You might be thinking “he was there to seem interested and caring they have pulled the wool over your eyes”, but I am not a stupid man and through my work I have sat in many meetings and from my days as an active alcoholic I know how to manipulate a situation and I know if someone is manipulating me.

I’m not going to go into any more detail about the meeting as I don’t think it is the time, but I do want to talk about how I felt afterwards. Coming out of the meeting I felt good, I felt as if I had achieved something :), as I walked down to my local town centre I could feel the pressure building in me, the buzzing in my head was getting very loud, I seemed to be getting very slow and weak and I felt strangely paranoid. When I got to the town centre I struggled to go into the shops I wanted to, pathetic I know, but I managed to do a couple of the things I wanted to do. Then all I could think about was getting home and the fact that I had walked and it was going to take me 30 minutes to get back. The further I walked the harder it got and at one point I wanted to just sit down in a bus stop and cry, by the time I turned into my road I was in tears and struggling a little bit to breathe. I couldn’t face the lunch I had bought and ended up going to bed just to stop the buzzing in my head.

I am not after sympathy, I am not trying to over dramatise my day, I am not doing “Woe is me”, the reason I have written this fairly pointless post is just to put it down in black and white and to stress how much effort and pain went into me going through with my complaint. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help are very difficult things for a lot of people. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help shows you have failed at life, that you are unable to cope with life. IN ASKING FOR HELP I HAVEN’T FAILED, IF YOU NEED TO ASK FOR HELP YOU HAVEN’T FAILED THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP AND THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING MENTALLY ILL “IT IS WHAT IT IS“. I know there are a lot of people out there in much worse situations than me but this is my situation, this is my pain, this is my disappointment in me and this is my life that I need to get back on track.

You probably know someone struggling with Mental Illness, please encourage them to fight, please show them you care, please don’t patronise them, please understand that they are not lazy or just a bit low, please understand that a good holiday will not fix them. They are ill, when people say “odd” things like “there is a buzzing in my head”, “there is a fog in my head”, “I can’t get out of bed”, “I can’t face leaving the house” they are not making things up, they are trying to explain something that is “real” and that they don’t understand themselves.

Keep smiling 🙂

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Booze at Christmas

I am a Bah Humbug / miserable git when it comes to Christmas, probably for many reasons not least of which the fact that it starts in October!!! Unfortunately I don’t believe in God, I don’t even like to type or say the “G” word, in fact when I did go to AA I wouldn’t say the “G” word at the start of the serenity prayer: –

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Even the fact that it is called the Serenity “Prayer” bothers me a little bit, but nearly 11 years on from leaving the booze clinic I carry a coin with it on in my wallet. On one side it has the Serenity “thing” and the other side a butterfly with the words “Keep It Simple”, sounds daft but just looking at it gives me strength to stay off the booze. Of course being an alcoholic with mental health issues is never going to be “simple” but for me the answers are simple: –

Alcoholic = Avoid Booze

Mental Health = Ask for help and talk about it

I wish I could of done both of the above sooner than I did, but I can’t change that now I can change what I do moving forward and I have the wisdom to know the difference……

So, to the title of this post “Booze at Christmas” every year I can guarantee I will be asked the question “you will have a drink with your Christmas lunch wont you?” erm……nope! I also often get “if you haven’t had a drink for years surely that means you can control it now” erm……nope! Here’s the thing, there is a possibility that I could have one drink, there is the possibility that I could now drink like a gentleman but that’s a hell of a risk to take with my life and the lives of my family and friends. I was speaking with a guy the other day who has been soba for a couple of months and he was looking forward to his drink with Christmas lunch, I did say “I don’t think that is a good idea” but it’s not up to me and who knows he might be fine, but I am convinced I wouldn’t be. You won’t be surprised to hear that as an alcoholic I LOVE BOOZE, i’m not keen on the after effects of booze which is why I constantly had to top up the levels and if I had a drink I am sure I would only remember the good stuff and very soon it would be carnage.

“I have another drink in me, but I don’t have another recovery in me”

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable”

My guess is I will be getting the question about a drink with Christmas lunch on a fairly regular basis now, that’s cool it’s funny, sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. I am fortunate to have a bunch of mates that were merciless when it came to taking the piss…. one of my favorite comments I received after getting soba was “get Mans a pint of cider it will be entertaining” I still use this comment now :).

If you have a problem with booze, do something about it. Stopping drinking wont fix your life, it won’t be easy and at times it will be FU**ING Horrendous but it will be one of the best things you ever do, for you, for your family and for your friends. Being an active alcoholic is a selfish game of manipulation and lies, getting soba is also very selfish for a while, maybe for ever, getting soba will be the only important thing in your life, but  that is what booze is, well it was for me, nothing mattered more than booze, NOTHING!!

If you have any questions about getting off the booze drop me a message on here, Twitter or Facebook, i’m not an expert but I have a little experience in this area!! Do bear in mind though I am an alcoholic, I wont be able to be your crutch i’m too selfish for that and if you get on my nerves I will tell you.

Have a bostin Christmas……… Bah Hum Bug!!!!

Keep Smiling 🙂

What is “Real”

A real good friend of mine sent me an interesting message on Face Book the other day: –

“Blog subject suggestion. “Real”. You use the word quite often. I would be interested in your perspective LJEMFTF x keep em coming.”

My initial reaction in my head was “OOF!”

It turns out I don’t use the word “Real” that much, but it stood out for him and it makes a lot of sense….

He also commented:-

“I think if you are striving for “real life” its good to know what your expectations are.”

My initial reaction in my head was “OOF!” and reading these comments again “OOF!” is still my reaction, these are bloody good questions, NNOP is digging deep here….

So, I have an easy simple answer……

“I don’t know what “Real” is anymore”live streaming film Alibi.com 2017 online

A very simple answer but quite a painful one, and the more I think about what is real the more I realise I don’t know. I have spent so long hiding, faking, manipulating and ignoring my feelings I don’t know what is “Real”. What is real life? Well, I am 40, so by now real life should be good job, nice house, nice car, nights out with the misses, days out with the kids, I should have a bit of money in the bank…….. I ain’t doing that well then, I have failed miserably at that shit!!

I have a good job, I know I am a good Salesman and an awesome Account Manager but mental illness has put this on hold…….

I had a nice house, but we are trying to sell it, mental illness took this away from me……

I don’t own a car, I still drive a company car but eventually mental illness is going to take this away from me……

Ain’t got a misses, mental illness has taken quite a number of those away from me……

Ain’t got kids, mental illness has always told me I couldn’t have them, I would destroy them, it would be unfair…….

Money in the bank, nope……. F*ck me Jon you’re a F*cking loser……..

So all my expectations I have failed at, everything I and society tells me I should have by now I haven’t got, mental illness has either stopped me having them, is taking them away or has taken them away. My expectations confirm what I know, I am a loser, a waste of a human being, I have failed at everything and nothing is real anymore….

But hold up, what if all that shit isn’t what is real, what if there is something else that is real, what if real is what it is, real is where I am. Although I still go through hell everyday and I am shit scared of what the future is going to bring I still want to help people, I care about people, people have been contacting me on here and Twitter and Facebook that suggests people care about me, I am a good person, I am a strong person, yes I have done things that i’m still ashamed of back in the drinking days but those days are behind me now. I am ill, unfortunately that is what is “real” at the moment, all those “expectations” aren’t real most of its just stuff. I might get most of that stuff one day, but underneath it all I will of still been ill, maybe I will still be ill….who knows???

What is “Real”?, what is “Normal”?, why am I ill?, why do good people get hurt by others? and why do people seem to like me? Who knows, who gives a shit, why am I asking questions that don’t have an answer, why am I worrying about stuff I can’t change? as a great man once said:-

“Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.”

There are some really good things in my life at the moment, things that keep me calm, things that make me want to get out there, what they are doesn’t matter, they are what they are, it is what it is. There are also some really horrendous thoughts and feelings that scare me and hurt me, that make me cry, that make me rock backward and forward like a nutter, that make me want to give up……but I can handle the shit stuff I have done it before and I will do it again, I will keep doing it, I will beat this, I will help others beat it, I will make kids laugh for being stupid, I will make people smile and perhaps I will find “Real” one day whatever the f*ck it is, perhaps “Real” doesn’t exist????

It is what it is….

what happens, happens….

Keep smiling 🙂

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I had a good day yesterday

Here we go again, Me Me Me, I don’t actually know where this post is going to go but I had a good day yesterday and this morning i’m having a bit of a wobble. The point of me doing this blog was both selfish and hopefully giving, I want to help people and I want to help me, as I have said before something I read helped switch the fight back on in me and from messages I have received i know my blog has done the same for others, this is a joyous feeling, this is a “Gem” moment in an otherwise pretty bleak existence.

The messages I have received are basically saying that reading my words helps them understand themselves or other people a bit more. I often talk about “the buzzing in my head” I know this sounds bonkers and I would think I am going mad, but I now know someone else used to use these exact words and I have never met them, so it helps me and hopefully helps them. So I am going to ramble on a bit and hope people get something from my ramblings.

I had a good day yesterday, but today I am rocking backward and forward with my head in my hands because my head is “buzzing”, bonkers but you know what who cares, that’s just the way it is and rocking with my hands on my head helps me I don’t care what anyone else thinks. As I am writing this I am choking back the feeling that you get just before you cry, and i’m pretty sure I will cry at some point soon, but you know what who cares that’s just the way it is, crying is good it seems to release pressure so if it happens it happens. I have got the shakes and I feel jumpy, I have recently had to increase my meds from 150mg’s to 200mg’s and straight away I felt unwell after the first 200 was popped, is this feeling just in my mind, is it physical, who cares it is what it is and worrying about if it is because i’m bonkers or if it is actually happening wastes energy and it isn’t going to make any difference I will still feel unwell. I cant answer the question and I am pretty sure the experts wouldn’t be able to answer the question either and if they did I wouldn’t believe what they said anyway, so it is what it is, i’m just going to let it happen and letting it happen frees up the stress, sometimes…….

I have been DM’ing with someone on Twitter and they mentioned someone was preaching that anti depressants don’t work, the only way through it is exercise and good diet, Pah! I have read previously about a young bloke that swears he fixed his mental illness with exercise and nothing but exercise, brilliant if it has worked for him I am chuffed to bits for him. But if exercise and a good diet fixes all mental health issues, why are sportsmen like Jonathan Trott suffering, he is a professional sports man, he will probably exercise a lot more than most and I would imagine he is on a good diet to maintain his sporting career. I don’t believe there is one answer if there was everyone would be “fixed”. I went through a short phase of walking whenever I could and it did help, it was really freeing and relaxing, but very quickly I started to find it was having the opposite effect, it was making me feel lonely and out of touch with the world, I would start to panic that it would take me ages to get home when walking and what if I bump into someone I know?? I would love to eat a better diet but for one I am skint and cant really afford the good stuff, and if I could afford it, I cant be arsed to cook it. When you are numb, have no motivation, cant concentrate and cant see a point to life exercising and eating well is almost impossible, sometimes even having a shower is hard hard work. That will sound ridiculous but I promise you it is 100% true, you might as well be asking me to solve a Rubik cube!!!

Yup, just been crying and I cant bloody breathe now, what a pussy!!

I guess it’s inevitable at some point I would come back to the NHS discussion, I truly believe the treatment I have received is an absolute disgrace, the constant waiting is disgusting but through this blog, Twitter and Facebook I have learnt that the treatment I have received is actually very quick in comparison with others. People have to ask for help and it is very hard to ask for that help for someone like me asking for that help was basically admitting I was failing again like I had failed at everything else in life, I was admitting I have to give up, I have to let go, I can no longer control me and my thoughts. Me saying I don’t have control is not an easy thing!! So people go through horrendous times they find courage to ask for help and then they have to wait and wait, when we are waiting the only thing that is happening is we are getting deeper and deeper into the pit, we are getting further and further away from “real life”, we are becoming detached and we are getting confirmation that we are pointless, we are not worth worrying about, we are not part of proper society and in going through this you know that that journey to recovery is getting longer and harder by the day.

I had a good day yesterday, I am not in a good place at the moment, partly because I don’t believe I have the right to have a good day and like a lot of the mental health world it does not make sense to think like that, but those are my thoughts, aaaarrrrgggghhhh!

On the flip side “Jon” knows he is incredibly good looking, handsome and cute, he knows he was a bloody good sales man, he knows he was/is and awesome Account Manager, he knows there is a twinkle about him, he knows he has an awful lot to give.

Does that make any sense?…. Nope

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Does it do my head in?…. Yup

Will I beat this thing?…. Who knows!! but I do know I will do all I can to beat it!!!

I pretty much think about suicide everyday, sometimes just thoughts, sometimes real feelings but that is not the answer, that is giving up, that is failing, that is a proper confirmation that I am a loser and a waste of a Human Being and “Jon” knows that is not true!!!

I really don’t know if there is any point to this blog, but you know what it is what it is, who cares?? 🙂

Keep Smiling 🙂

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Psychiatrist appointment

So, initial Psychiatrist appointment is done and there is a “plan” in place. I don’t think I am ready to reveal all the details but basically increased meds, further referral and next appointment is at the end of January 2014.

The Psychiatrist was a really nice guy, a very clever guy I was with him for about 45 minutes and he already had me talking about stuff I haven’t spoken about for over 20 years, how do they do that?? Very often when I come away from meetings with the experts I feel I have let myself down because my “Jon” force field comes up and ensures I cant be completely honest and open. For so long now I have been “Jon” on a daily basis, smiling, joking, talking an awful lot of bollox, people seem to like “Jon” and Jon doesn’t understand this, they like “Jon” and would not want to know Jon. Confused, welcome to my world.

Anyway, my force field was up a little, always going to be on the first meeting I guess, but I am proud to say I cried. Of course I apologised for this but as the psychiatrist said “if you cant cry in front of your psychiatrist where can you cry”. He dug around a bit and pushed a few buttons, a couple of good buttons, he got me thinking in a different way about some of my thoughts, which was both painful and interesting. I came away feeling a bit more positive, I have finally started the process, I am finally on the books, in the system, I have somewhere to call or go when I am desperate and if I am desperate I can get an emergency appointment, this is progress. 🙂

However……..

My next appointment with the psychiatrist isn’t until the end of January, the other referral thing wont happen until the end of February or March and if you saw a previous post “You need therapy the queue is 2 months” I have quite a wait for other needed therapy. I know in the whole scheme of things these few months wait aren’t huge, after all I have been diagnosed depressed for over 20 years, but and this is a big BUT the thought of more daily pain, ups and downs, not working, not earning, not being able to do stuff because of “The Fear” (I stole that phrase of someone else, they use it in a different way but I think it is so descriptive I decided to pinch it (soz x)) those thoughts and many others scare the Sh*t out of me. Am I going to be able to cope, am I going to be able to keep fighting, is Christmas going to destroy me, will I eventually just shut down?

Last night I had a great laugh on Facebook and Twitter with some awesome people, I’ve had a bit of a joke this morning as well, I posted some of my pictures on FB and woke up this morning with 11 notifications liking and commenting on my photographs which fills me with absolute joy. Yesterday I was DM’ing on Twitter with someone who is going through a hard time but she deals with it and we both take time to support each other (we have never met but we are supporting each other, I hope she feels the same?), I’ve made contact with a great guy called Danny Baker from Australia, Billy Idol RT’d one of my tweets, I have had some fantastic messages on this blog, FB & Twitter, I’ve had a letter today from St James’s Palace and so on… all these things are brilliant and positive, but still inside I’m a loser, I am weak, I have wasted 40 years, I hate now and the future scares the sh*t out of me!!! I have been invited by a friend (a friend of friends a diamond geezer) to spend some time with him this weekend and take photos of a gig he is playing, but I just cant do it, I have had lots of other “come and visit me” messages but at the moment I just don’t have the strength to travel and cope for long periods of time. I will get there but it is so so hard I am struggling to think about leaving the house today, I will but I know it will be hard (pathetic!).

Without Facebook, Twitter, this Blog, awesome family and some awesome people I wouldn’t be here now, so even though I feel like I am rambling now, I think my point is:-

Talk, Post, Tweet and share your thoughts and feelings, help on the NHS will come, but it will be slow so you need support from elsewhere. Your friends might be shocked you are unwell, but they will be amazing. People you don’t even know will be amazing. Bollox to the #stigma thing if you are fighting a mental illness you are a STRONG person because you are still fighting.

Be careful though what you do share, I made a comment on a “celebrities” (unfortunately I cant use the proper C word!!) tweet and spent the next few hours fielding abuse from their followers, it was very unpleasant and a bit triggery. I backed down straight away because I didn’t have the strength to fight so many people. Sometimes you have to back down to look after yourself, sometimes it is ok to be negative, that’s how you feel and fighting it all the time is hard hard work.

*Importantly these are just my thoughts and opinions, sometimes they help me sometimes they hinder me and I don’t always agree with me and you don’t have to agree with me either they are just thoughts and opinions!!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

Psychiatrist appointment is nearly here

On Wednesday 27th November I have an appointment to see a psychiatrist. I guess you might be thinking why would someone announce that, how embarrassing? I am not ashamed of this fact, if you are ill you see a GP, if you have broken your arm you go to the hospital, if you are clinically depressed you go to see a psychiatrist. To be honest I am not sure what a psychiatrist does, I thought they were the people you go to see to talk about all those things in the past that might of caused your mental illness. Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago that psychiatrists are more about the medication than talking, I don’t know I guess I will find out Wednesday.

The reason for this post is probably mainly selfish, when I write on here I seem to be able to see it through when I write notes on “how am I feeling today” I get frustrated and feel pathetic writing sh*t like that down, I know it makes no sense but my head doesn’t make a lot of sense at the moment.

I was referred to see a psychiatrist in August and my appointment is the 27th November, personally I think that is a disgusting amount of time to have to wait, if you have read my other posts you will know the story by now so i’m not going to bother with that now, what I do want to bother with is what that 4 month wait has done to me, told you…. selfish it’s always about me.

So basically I have been on a drug called Sertraline for a number of months having changed from Cirpralex, from what I can tell Sertraline is seen as a very good drug but with the limited knowledge of my GP (that’s not a dig at my GP apparently they only have access to certain drugs which is why I have to see a psychiatrist) and what I have read on the interweb it could well mean I have been on the wrong drug for a number of months, on the other hand it could be exactly the right drug but at the moment I don’t know. (has this made things worse, who knows?).

Currently I struggle to sleep, I struggle to leave the house, I struggle to eat and I struggle to not eat (?), I feel sick a lot, I feel weak, tired, erratic, emotional, numb, pointless, pathetic, lost, desperate, angry, irritable, scared and sometimes I feel suicidal. Last Friday I forced myself to go out, I went and walked around my local town centre while I was walking around I started to cry and had to hold back the tears (as usual I was wearing sunglasses to cover my “windows to the soul”) so no-one could see.

Thoughts running through my head at that time - I saw people smiling and laughing and I wanted to hurt them, part of me knew they weren’t laughing at me but what if they were? Maybe if I hurt them I could get arrested and maybe some immediate help, no that’s a stupid idea people will think you are a nutter. Just get home, but you’ve got to get some milk, I can’t face getting some milk, just get home. I got some milk because this is pathetic, I even made a joke to the girl on the till, then my sunglasses went back on, got to get home. Going into the car park I thought about going to the top and ending it, no that is not the answer if you do that all the pain of the last few months and all the strength you have used to keep going will of been a waste, all the support from family and friends (some friends I haven’t spoken to or seen in 25 years!!) will be wasted. But it will teach the NHS a lesson, FFS no it won’t you are a number an insignificant number it wont change anything, just get home, it’s not even my home, just get home. I got in the car and started driving back, someone pulled out on me, I thought about just driving into them, I followed them up the hill they were going about 20 miles per hour, just drive into them, they indicated to turn off, just drive into them, they were now out of my way. Driving up the road someone was pulling out of a side road, just drive into them, FFS JUST GET THE F OUT OF MY WAY!!!

I think we can all agree that above isn’t normal, don’t get me wrong I am not saying there a voices telling me to do this stuff, I am pretty sure its just my thoughts. I often wonder if other people have these thoughts, my conclusion is they probably do but they don’t take them seriously??

What the 4 month wait has done to me is turn me into a non-human, I am scared of the reality of life, I am scared that this is me now, I wont be able to go back to my job, I wont be able to go back to any job, I wont be able to enjoy anything in life it will always be about my mental illness from now on. Although on the outside I look ok and if I don’t manage to ignore you in the street I will smile and ask how you are, have a chat and a joke as soon as I walk away I will be in pain again. Waiting 4 months confirms my thoughts that i’m not important, confirms that I am a waste of life of time and of effort. I now beat myself up for giving in in June I should of just carried on fighting it day by day. I beat myself up that I carried on fighting day by day for too long and have wasted that life, lost girlfriends, houses and jobs.

There are lots of quotes out there about depression but one that really touches me at the moment is: –

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”

– Elizabeth Wurtzel

(I hope I haven’t broken any rules posting this?)

And just a final comment, I know I am beaten but I also know that I am strong enough to keep fighting back and when I do manage to beat it there will be no stopping me!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

What did you think about #bedlam

Wow! i’m not sure I should answer this question, i’m not sure I can answer this question and the reason i’m not sure is I don’t think I know how to answer this question properly??

#bedlam, for me personally, was brilliant, horrendous, interesting, wrong, eye opening, upsetting, scary, disappointing, thought provoking and many many more things!!!

I wasn’t going to watch it, I didn’t think I would cope with it but I got a message on Facebook from a friend to remind me it was on and that I could watch it on C4+1, so I did with a lot of trepidation!!!

I was really worried that the programme would upset me and it did, but perhaps in a good way? The first episode was called “Anxiety” and was mainly about Anxiety and OCD. I think most people have some anxiety and OCD in their lives but this was different level. Anxiety and OCD had basically put these brave peoples lives on hold. My memory isn’t very good at the moment but I think the main stories had fairly uplifting outcomes at the end. It was very interesting to see how such intense cases could be controlled (if that’s the right word?). One of my thoughts during and after the programme makes me feel ashamed but I have promised myself I would always be honest on here, I have spoken about it to a professional and they seemed to agree with me and someone I follow on Twitter tweeted something along the lines of “#bedlam has this helped to eradicate #stigma or made it worse”. So here it is, one of my thoughts was “why? when these programmes are made do they only show people who look a certain way” *. As I say I am ashamed of my thought but I think it is a legitimate thought. I have had people say to me “you don’t look ill” “you look calm and normal” “your just a bit low and need a holiday”. I have spent years covering up my “illness” it is a habit I can’t break and, for me, what this does is magnifies the stereotype that anyone with “Mental Illness” is “Mad”. Let me give you an example, yesterday I went to a meeting to learn about Type 1 Diabetes for my wonderful, ace, spirited, awesome nephew (he is so cool and so is his older brother, xx) during the meeting I was “Jon” (the witty, fun, amusing, intelligent and immensely handsome version), after the meeting I wanted to crawl into a hole, I tried to have a lie down because my head was “buzzing” so much but I couldn’t relax, I wondered back and forth in my bedroom and held my head, that’s not “normal” but no-one in the real world will see that side of me and I would guess this is the same for many many more people out there suffering with mental illness.

You don’t have to “look” ill to be ill, someone with a smile on their face may be in a very dark, frightening, unbearable and confusing place inside.

* If my thought upsets anyone I will take it down, it is not my intention to hurt anyone but if we are going to talk more about this surely we should be honest?

There were three other episodes and I watched them all with interest and got a lot of the same feelings…. good, bad and ugly, I may come back to those at some point but at the moment my head is “buzzing” and it feels like it is going to explode. A few months ago I was driving around the country meeting with clients, one day I gave a presentation to three important people from a big company which led to some extra business and a huge opportunity, it wasn’t my presentation but I gave it and if I do say so myself I did an awesome job. About an hour before I gave the presentation I nearly bottled it because I was getting so stressed and anxious about it, but an awesome lady I have massive respect for nudged me in the right direction and I did it. Those three guys would of had no idea how messed up I was inside and how much pain I was in…. so I repeat “You don’t have to “look” ill to be ill, someone with a smile on their face may be in a very dark, frightening, unbearable and confusing place inside”.

To the person who sent me this question, I am sorry I haven’t managed to speak about all the episodes. I hope I have answered your question in the right way and thank you so much for the question, perhaps let me know what you think about my answer and what your thoughts are about #bedlam.

I stress these are just my thoughts and feelings, they are not meant to hurt or anyone!

Keep smiling 🙂

“when you going to stop moaning and manup”

Great question “when you going to stop moaning and manup”, I was going to ignore this but today I am angry and fed up so lets answer it.

Firstly I agree with you whoever you are and I also think, sorry know, you are a moron. There will be a lot of contradictions in the following but in the confusion I hope there will be some understanding??

I, like you, do not give a sh*t about me, this will change and does change day to day. In fact if I had more guts I would not be here, but fortunately I have fight in me and more importantly compassion for others, fight and compassion are probably the two things I like about me. The question you put to me is a question I ask myself all the time, well very similar, the way I ask it is “why don’t you strap on a pair and get on with it you F pussy?”. The answer is I can’t, I want to but I just can’t and to my mind that is pathetic.

I agree with the “manup” (although I think it is actually Man Up (two words!!)) I should man up, I should stop crying at nothing, I should stop pretending not to see people because I can’t face them, I shouldn’t find popping to B&Q for a couple of little things to build something, I know will be crap, extremely tiring and about all I can cope with today, I should be back at work, I shouldn’t find it difficult to go back home to see my cats and then get upset because I am wonder if they think I have abandoned them and don’t love them anymore, I shouldn’t drive down a bypass or a motorway and think to myself if I put this in the barriers it will be all over, I shouldn’t be sh*t scared that Christmas is nearly here but those are the facts. They make no sense but they are real and I would put money on it that there are others out there that think exactly the same.

On the other hand I think I am actually a very strong man, a man who has been fighting against depression for over 20 years and up until fairly recently I won that battle most of the time. Part of me hates the fact that I have given in and let depression beat me, part of me thinks I am actually for the first time fighting the battle properly and concentrating solely on it to do something about it rather than plodding along like I have for the last 20 years. I lay in bed again last night telling myself I have wasted a life and at the age of 40 everything has been a complete waste of time. I put it to you that a man that thinks like that and can still get out of bed in the morning is a strong man.

I started this blog because I happened across a guy called Danny Baker from Australia and I read his memoir, it seemed to switch back on the fight in me and I wondered if I could switch the fight back on in others. I thought whats the worst that could happen, people could think I am a complete w**k*r but I think I am anyway so that cant hurt me. I have kept going with this blog because a number of people have asked me to and let me know that I have helped them, either for them or for someone they love. Finally maybe I have found a point to me, maybe I am here to go through pain so I can help others, maybe I am just delusional and more ill than I can accept.

The reason I am “moaning” is because one of the things that I find difficult is the “am I mad?” question, the thoughts that go through my head don’t make any sense they are not rational but when I started reading other peoples words on the internet I realised other people think in the same way and for some reason that gives me some relief and I hope that me writing the stuff I do can give others relief. Mental Illness is horrendous, the experts don’t seem to know how to fix it and to get to see the experts is a long frustrating battle that people do not need when they think they are worthless anyway. When someone says to you “you need therapy and we will see you in 2 months” it destroys something else in you. I am (today) at the stage that I feel I have been written off I feel that what the NHS are basically saying to me is “what we will do now is just maintain the nutter, he will be ok on benefits”. I might get the right treatment eventually but now I have to battle the fact that I was right I am a failure at life I am not worth helping.

There is a lot of stuff out there about being positive and driving forward with Mental Illness, taking it a day at a time, getting better slowly and I guess that is all great advice but things like Mental Illness and Alcoholism are not positive things there is a lot of negativity and we need to talk about that too.

There is a lot of stuff about stopping the #stigma about mental illness and the stigma should stop, but do I believe it will ever stop, I’m afraid my answer to that question on this day at this time is NO!!!

Anyway thank you for the question, I don’t know if you are a man or a woman but to tell me to “manup” and to fill in “Name” with AA and “Email” with AA@AA.com isn’t very manly I would say it is a bit cowardly, if not a little funny “AA” very clever :). I hope I have answered your question to your satisfactory and I hope not to here from you again!!

Keep Smiling 🙂

Answering a question

I asked on Facebook and Twitter if anyone had any questions because I had received a lot of amazing feedback and people contacting me away from the blog and here is the first questions I will answer.

Again I will stress these are my opinions, it is important to know there are properly trained people out there that would probably disagree with me.

“do you ever crave a beer and how did you stop?”

There is a very short answer to this question….. Yes and I don’t know…… but if you have been reading my blog you will know by now I never use 5 words if I can use a couple of hundred!!!

Yes I crave beer, wine, cider and most strongly for some reason Southern Comfort (with a little bit of ice, no mixers that is just madness!!!). I was in a pub yesterday ordering a “cup of tea” walking up to the bar I was looking at the good stuff but I know I can’t go there it would destroy me!! In AA there are phrases like “one day at a time” I think these are a few very important words with alcohol and indeed mental illness. I think other people set goals like I wont drink until the end of the week and then the end of next week and so on and if that works for them that’s great but for me it was one day at a time.

So in short I do crave alcohol, i’m not sure it is a physical crave more a mental crave I want the feeling of being relaxed and if i’m honest the feeling of being completely out of it. There is another saying I took from AA “I have another drink in me but I don’t have another recovery in me”. I could not go through getting off the booze again, it is not easy!!!

On the “how did you stop” part of the question there is a short answer to this as well “The Woodbourne Priory” I am ashamed to say I am not 100% sure of the guy’s name I would accredit most of the praise to, I think it was Chris. There is of course a whole big story prior to me going into the Priory but I will cut it short’ish. I tried Aquarius after it was suggested by a counselor I was seeing at the time (Shaun was the guy that got the ball rolling he is an amazing man who stopped pussyfooting around me and said “until we sort out your alcohol problem we will never sort out your depression”), unfortunately Aquarius didn’t work for me, I will stress however I know lots of people it did work for it is an amazing charity, the reason I think it didn’t work for me was I basically just lied through my alcoholic, selfish, incredibly manipulative teeth. I told them what I thought they wanted to know and then I stopped going, I didn’t want to stop drinking.

I never tried AA because that is for proper alcoholics, you know the guys on the bench begging for money…… What a tool I was to think like that but I am pretty sure I am not the only one thinking like that and if you are reading this with the same thoughts then you are wrong. I have mentioned AA a number of times now but unfortunately I do not got to AA anymore, I wish I did, I often think I may be in a better place if I had carried on with AA but I can’t change that now. I am a very stubborn person and unfortunately although I have taken things from AA I don’t always agree with the things said in AA. It is important at this point that I stress that AA has helped an awful lot of people and I have thought long and hard about saying “I don’t always agree…..” I do not want to say anything that could possibly harm anyone but that is my point when people think of alcoholics they think of AA and this is for a good reason they do an awful lot of good, BUT for me it wasn’t the answer and the reason I decided to say this is that if AA hasn’t or doesn’t work for you then I believe there are other options but you wont know if it is for you until you give it a try and I don’t mean just go once try it again and again and go when you don’t want to go it works for so many people.

I am going to contradict myself now as I said I would on the “About Me” page, I got a lot from AA. Part of the one month in the Priory was two AA meetings a week, there are some fantastic people in AA and being able to spend time with people who had been soba for 10, 20 years is inspirational and makes you realise it is possible. There are also people there that fall off the wagon and with their strength and the people around them they dust themselves off and get back on again, this is very hard to see but also inspirational there is no shame in relapsing you have been drinking for a long time there is no shock that you go back to it. I saw a guy who had been soba about 15 years start drinking again it was horrible to see but he stopped again. There were people that would relapse again and again but they kept going, there was one guy who shared that he thought he needed to relapse to make him understand he couldn’t control the drink. Everyone is different even though the stories they share mirror your life almost exactly they are different and need something different for them to get it.

Without a shadow of a doubt the Priory stopped me and probably saved my life, I was lucky I was in BUPA and got the treatment for an excess of about £250, in fact that was one of the reasons I did go into the clinic, I realised I was lucky and that not everyone had the opportunity to go to such a good clinic and if I didn’t go it would be like I was taking the piss out of those people (sorry I couldn’t think of better words to describe that).film Despicable Me 3

The clinic took me out of “real life” and allowed me to concentrate on the job in hand other people in there had visitors I decided I didn’t want visitors, there were 5 or 6 people in the group I was in we did a lot of group therapy (scary but so beneficial!!!) a lot of that group therapy was based around the 12 Steps. I struggled for a long time with these because I fixated on the word “God”, in the end I just ignored the God word and listened to the rest. The point at which I thought “I’ve got this” was we had to write our “life story” and read it to the group (yup scary!!). The others guys life stories were incredible and upsetting at the same time, it was then my turn so I read it out and got some great feedback “you are so brave” “you have been so honest” etc etc. Then it was Chris’s turn to give me feedback (Chris was the guy in charge who earlier in this post I said I would accredit him with most of the praise) I don’t remember his exact words but they were along the line of “you haven’t been brave, you haven’t been honest, you have let us in a little bit but you have given us what you think we wanted to here”. You may think “harsh” the other guys in the room thought that as well I could see it in their faces, but he was spot on. I had used my alcoholic manipulation skills and manipulated most of the room, fortunately apart from Chris. We had words about this but he was right and in challenging me he had made me see I wasn’t putting in the effort I should I was still lying to myself and everyone else. So rightly or wrongly I decided I would never be able to do everything they wanted from me so I had to find the tools I could use. I have heard it said “think of AA as a tool box and use the tools that are right for you” so my main tool is Step 1 – 1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable.

Out of the 5 or 6 that were in my group I think I am the only one who never drank again, I could be wrong. I am pretty sure that the people in the group, the counselors and the people I met through AA thought I would not make it and lets be honest I still might not make it. People say “you are not an alcoholic anymore if you haven’t had a drink for over 10 years” I don’t agree with that I am still an alcoholic and will be until the day I die, I am just a soba alcoholic.

You can give up, even if you don’t want to. You may not want to but you know you have to, I still miss booze but I no longer have that option I look at it in this way “I abused alcohol so much I no longer have the right to enjoy it”. Again this might be right it might be wrong but it’s my sobriety and I don’t care if the experts agree with me or not. Reading through what I have just written I am thinking what a load of bollox so many contradictions but again I don’t care contradictions happen in life all the time especially in my mixed up brain, because I think one thing one day doesn’t mean I have to agree with that the next day. I disagree with myself all the time.

Keep smiling 🙂

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