You’re Stable

Stability –

a. Resistance to change, deterioration, or displacement.
b. Constancy of character or purpose; steadfastness.
c. Reliability; dependability.

Stable –

2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.
a. Consistently dependable; steadfast of purpose.
b. Not subject to mental illness or irrationality: a stable personality.

Interesting words “Stable” and “Stability” (I may be misusing the word “interesting”….), I knew what they meant but yesterday I decided to google them for specific definitions for a particular reason. That reason being I spoke with 3 people yesterday with mental health issues of varying severity, each one of them has been left in no mans land in the Dudley and Walsall Mental Health Partnership NHS Trust. Like me they are all in the “system” somewhere(????), unlike me they didn’t mouth off, complain and tweet about how horrendous and not fit for purpose the “system” is.

Two of them I spoke to yesterday have asked their GP for more help and someone to talk to, one of them has asked to see a psychiatrist again and the response they both got was “you don’t need to talk to anyone you’re STABLE”. The other one now sees the psychiatrist every 3 months with absolutely no support between appointments, they are still awaiting counselling, at the last psychiatrist appointment the prescribed change of medication was for a drug that is no longer available…. (I don’t think that last bit needs further comment)

Last night I was speaking on Twitter with someone who has been told they need CBT and the waiting list is about 300 people long, so it’s been decided they need therapy and they will receive that therapy sometime in the distant future, is that good enough? No it’s not!!!! I have also spoken to someone recently who’s had a bad experience of what the NHS has to offer so now chooses to avoid the NHS and any help all together….

I find it harder these days to slag the NHS off because I’m in a different situation, yes I only see my psychiatrist every 2 months for about 20 minutes but between those visits I see someone every couple of weeks and she’s brilliant, partly because she is brilliant and partly because she’s a consistent part of my life. A few weeks ago I was struggling and feeling very wrong and all I had to do is to walk into the Halesview centre, which has the best mental health reception staff I’ve come across so far, and ask to speak with my health worker (I must ask what her actual title is one day….). I was very fortunate as she was about to go out but she gave me a few minutes of her time, in which I cried (no shame in that!!), she reaffirmed a lot of stuff I already know, but when my noggin gets fooked up I can’t remember or act on what I know, not always. She reminded me I’d had a huge “episode” just over a year ago and I still had a long way to go, she reminded me I’m too hard on myself, she pointed out I was trying to do too much again, she reminded me I had come a very long way in a relatively short period of time. I walked away after less than 10 minutes feeling much more settled and realistic about stuff.

All of the above mentioned people don’t have the option to just to walk in somewhere and ask for help. I’ve been told that the support I’m getting is no different to what others are getting, but quite obviously that isn’t true. I know from talking with some people in power in the NHS they want to give everyone the sort of support I have but they just can’t as they don’t have the people or money to do so. One of the heads of department I have been speaking with who is amazing and massively driven to provide mentally ill people with all the support that is possible has now left the NHS “due to ongoing changes” what’s the betting this is simply down to lack of funds and frustration about all the red tape and rules that stop wonderful caring people from doing the job they signed up to do, using their training and people skills to help those who need it whether it be intense therapy or just a simple chat.

For obvious reasons I can’t give more details of the various people I have mentioned above but what I will say is one of these people is diagnosed with what some people would consider quite a serious mental illness, they’re asking for help and being denied it. For a GP to respond to a request for more help with “you’re stable” is absolutely disgusting. Do GP’s understand how hard it is to ask for help? If a recognised mentally ill person asks for help surely it should be considered carefully or at least followed up? I guarantee the people asking there GP for more help didn’t do it lightly and would of spent a lot of time building up the courage to ask the question. Unfortunately these days just asking for help gets you nowhere, you have to demand it and demanding anything when you’re are mentally ill is almost impossible.

Looking back at the definitions of “stability” and “stable” I would suggest that neither me or anyone else I have mentioned in this post is either of these words and if GP’s and more senior noggin docs think that “stability” or “stable” are positive acceptable words to describe a human beings life they are wrong. Being “stable” suggests that mentally ill people aren’t having rewarding lives they are just existing and if we are just existing what is the point?

Just because we are mentally ill it doesn’t mean we can’t have rewarding lives, from time to time I feel my life is very rewarding and as I move forward I hope to have more rewarding times more often. I know this will take time, I know I have a long way to go, I know I am very fortunate to have the NHS support I have, I know I am very fortunate to have the support this blog gives me, I know I am very fortunate to have the support I get on Twitter and Facebook, I know I am very fortunate to have the support of family and friends. I also know that a lot of the support I have is because I have been completely open and honest about my illnesses, occasionally my honesty has a negative effect on life and situations but the majority of time it has a positive effect and allows me to not waste my energy trying to be something that I’m not. When I’m happy I’m happy, when I’m sad I’m sad, when I fooked up I’m fooked up but at all times I’m honest and open….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

I posted this on Face Book yesterday, I don’t post these blog posts and Twitter and Face Book posts looking for sympathy, I don’t do it as a “woe is me” I don’t need or want sympathy!!!! I do it cus it helps me and hopefully it helps others cus life “is what it is”. It doesn’t make a difference if your’re a “mentalist” or a “normal” we all have up and down times, perhaps a “mentalists” up and down times can be a bit more serious and life consuming, up and down times are part of life sometimes you can do things to make things better, sometimes you can’t and just have to ride it out. Every time I get into a down time I know can handle it cus I know I’ve got through a lot worse and I accept that it’s just part of the game that is life. “It comes with the territory”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Feeling Odd

I’m finding it incredibly hard to write stuff at the moment, I’m not sure why?

I’m finding it very difficult to pick my camera up at the moment, I’m not sure why?

I’m finding it almost impossible to work out why I am struggling with a few things and I’ve worked out what to do about it….

Nothing!!!! Well not quite nothing….

I wrote a piece for Governance International the other day and emailed it off fully expecting them to email back saying it was utter bollox, but they emailed back to say various things including:-

I’m absolutely delighted, this is great!….
This gives us a good reason to get back to the network with your blog in August….
Many thanks again for your great contributions, really appreciate your good thoughts and work!….

I’ve dropped someone a message today to say I need to check out the venue for their wedding party so I can get an idea of the lights and camera setting options for the night, to make sure I do the job right…. and I will, I always do…. That may sound a little big headed, but the fact is I’m a good photographer, I’m able to see what makes a good photograph and what doesn’t, I’m talented enough to rely on my own style and individual way I shoot….

Confused????

Me as well!!!!

I think what I’m trying to say is, Yes I currently have a downer on myself and I am doubting myself a lot but that’s just the little demon in the back of my noggin that still tells me I’m a waste of a human being, tells me I could drink again and be fine, tells me I’m wasting mine and everyone else’s time with exboozehound and complaining to and about the NHS, tells me I’ll never be truly happy, etc etc, basically that little bastard of a demon is still there telling me I’m as useful as a chocolate tea pot…. The difference these days is I know that demon is wrong and I know it ain’t as powerful and stubborn as me….

So, as I move forward EVERYTHING I set my mind to I WILL make it work, yes I’ll doubt myself along the way but I know those doubts are bullshite…. Anyone who can battle against booze for 11+ years and depression/Mental Illness for 20+ years and keep on going can do anything they want to with the right dedication, hard work and perhaps a sprinkling of luck….

So watch this space….

Jon aka exboozehound is going places, get on board now while there’s still room 🙂 😉

It took me a while to work out what the title of this post was gunna be cus, as usual, I didn’t really know what I was gunna write, I’ve had so many things “Buzzing” through my noggin today, some of them good, some of them bad, some of them out of order and some of them down right horrendous…. I spent a bit of time trying to work out why today and the last couple of days have been so changeable and then I thought about something I’ve said on here before and I’ve said to quite a number of people in private. THE QUESTION WHY?, IS A POINTLESS AND PRETTY MUCH UNANSWERABLE QUESTION, SO DON’T WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION….

I have a couple of things that I think may of put me in a changeable place but I will never know if it is to do with those various things and constantly thinking and rethinking about shite ain’t gunna change a thing, all it will do is drive me/you bonkers and tire me/you out and we need our energy for more important things.

The other thing we need to consider as a reason for being in a changeable place at the moment is simply cus I’m human and I guess all humans whether they are “odds” or “evens” have up n down / changeable times but as an “odd” we can very easily spiral into utter madness if we don’t catch ourselves early enough. So simply we have to look for those “triggers” (always hated this word, but now FINALLY I understand it) and react to them with tried and tested coping mechanisms or if those tried and tested ways don’t work, come up with some new ones. For whatever reason today I felt angry and aggressive, I felt strange mental but physical pain, I felt shots of non existent physically painful thoughts, I felt I wanted to get some glorious booze down my neck, I felt shy, I felt outgoing, I felt “odd”, I felt “even”…. think you might have the point now, so I walked down to the squash court and had 40 minutes on the court taking my anger and frustration out on the ball. At the end of it I thought to myself “That aint made a difference I’m still hacked off, etc, but there was a difference and that difference was simply I got off my backside and did something about it, yes probably simply a distraction technique but I didn’t fester and feel sorry for myself which I am very very capable of doing.

Is there a point to this post????

Yes, but I’m not fully sure what it is….

Someone said to me at the weekend you don’t look ill, you seem a nice bloke…. Fact is I am a nice bloke and I am ill but the 2 things don’t have to be separate. (I’m not proud of this next bit!!!!). I’ve said this before but people expect people with a Mental Illness, whatever that Mental Illness might be, to look bonkers and and down trodden. For me this is because mentally ill are usually portrayed as the “Victims of Life” those weirdo’s that were picked on at school, those weirdo’s that talk to themselves as they walk along or sit in a boozer, perhaps they rock backwards and forward a bit and of course they will have absolutely no dress sense (mind you I have none of that!!!), all these things are an absolute load of bollox!!!! It’s the same as peoples perceptions of “the alcoholic” that’s the unwashed, homeless, filthy, smelly person that kips in the park…. again absolute load of bollox. Yes I’ve exaggerated the stereo types for effect but believe me some of the conversations I have are not very far away from this at all!!!! Sad but true!!!!

There are loads of people out there struggling everyday with Mental Illness and Substance misuse, but like I did they hide the extent of it for far too long to avoid the shame of being a failure at life or life as we are taught to understand. They hide it to avoid the Stigma that goes with Mental Illness, you might think the stigma doesn’t exist anymore but it does, yes people talk about it more now but the negative stigma is still VERY VERY strong whether it be direct or indirect stigma. I know there are people hiding it out there because I have quite a few people that tell me they are hiding. They feel if they come out of the “Odd” closet they will lose there Job, home, car etc and unfortunately they probably will…. eventually. Unless they get it early enough coming out as “odd” will destroy your life, well the life we are all taught we MUST have. Do yourself or a loved on a favour….

Get help now!!!!

Be honest with yourself now!!!!

Don’t wait to get to the stage when your Noggin goes Pop, like I did, cus once you get to that stage and then have to wait months and months for the NHS to offer you any help you will lose everything. I am a failure at the life that we are taught we must aspire to. I’m 41, I have no house, no job and my car cost Â£250, I have no Wife, Girlfriend, Children and this is not likely to change anytime soon. I haven’t said this for your sympathy cus I am trying very hard to put a number of things together to give me a successful “alternative” life, it’s bloody hard work when your noggin cant be arsed to keep up with your passion and heart but I KNOW I’m going to make everything I’m trying to do work, guaranteed, one way or another!!!!

Mental Illness and Addiction are nothing to be ashamed of, they are simply illnesses that some of us have, more of us than you would believe, if you have issues you are hiding, stop hiding them before they destroy or kill you, get help now and I mean now. You will probably have to fight for that help and the process of any help you get will be bloody hard work but it will be worth it. Nothing will fix you over night and I can tell you now I’m not fixed, I still have a long way to go but I dont think about the journey ahead I don’t think about the journey I’ve travelled so far all that much either. I just concentrate on the now and even though the recent now is up n down, changeable, and painful at times most of the time now is good. It will be for you as well if you put the effort in and fight back!!!! 🙂

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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I’ve been told today…..

Since my noggin doc appointment on Monday I haven’t been very well, partly through exhaustion (I know pathetic I don’t even work!!), partly through anger, partly through fear, partly through new meds (I like the new meds they make me feel very very relaxed, almost high 🙂 ).….

Let’s be honest there are many many reasons for me not being very well the main one being that I am mentally ill, so I’m gunna stop mulling it over in my noggin and I’m gunna blast a few things out randomly and then see what happens…..

I’ve been going down hill for weeks and fighting it
I’ve been getting frustrated with people (I now know that was me frustrated with me)
I’m scared what an actual diagnosis will do to my noggin
I’m scared I’ll never be able to work again
I’m scared I’ll never be “fixed”
I’m scared I don’t know who I am (cus I’ve not been me for so long I’ve been “Jon”)
I’m scared no one will ever be able to love me and trust me
I’m scared, I’m frightened, I’m pathetic, I’m not man enough

Oh yes and I’m feeling sorry for myself!!!!

Yes, I’ve been going down hill and fighting it because that’s what us mentalists do, we fight!
Yes, I’m frustrated at me, that’s good because I’m frustrated cus I knowÂ I’m better than this!
Who gives a shite about an actual diagnosis, book monkeys ain’t got a clue anyway!
Work, well if it comes to it and you can’t work again, fuck it, it is what it is!
Fixed, fixed doesn’t exist, everybody out there is bonkers they just don’t know it yet!
Who am I? I’m a good person, that’s all that matters!
If no one can trust and love me, then tough….. Shit happens!
Scared, no your not! Frightened, no your not! Pathetic, no your not! Man enough, yes you fucking are!

Right, that solves that…. Doesn’t it?

Nope!

I’m gunna feel a little sorry for myself for a bit, I won’t be smiling all the time, I might even keep my gob still for a bit and reflect or maybe I’ll #ReevaluateAdaptChange …. Again….

I have been told today that I need to concentrate on myself which I’m going to do.

The amazing person who told me this also said many other amazing things to me which I am going to keep to myself, all I will say is it was exactly what I needed to hear, so thank you, you have just stopped a Nutjob going into a full meltdown xx

Oddly I’ve had a couple of DM’s on Twitter today that have given me more fight and belief, I hope you will get something from them aswell….

Anon 1

I will RT your mission re: mental illness Xxxxxx You’re RockStar Jon, bravo!

Me
Thank you…. RockStar? I wish xx
How’s things your end? X

Anon 1
Things busy in NYC & I’m not fond of summer. Ok if not RockStar then Lord of Raomi Land (Raise awareness on mental illness) xxo

…that’s as witty as I get at 6:31 am NYC time…. Sorry I did not see your message until just now. Have a great day Jon.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

These words blew me away! How amazing for someone to take their time to say that to me!!

Anon 2

I normally hate it when people turn my stuff into “their stuff”, but I’m going to do exactly that here…
For the past 20 years ish I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks with nobody ever really knowing why, and tbh that was my own fault, I’ve spent time having different therapies – inc a month at the priory as an in-patient after a catatonic breakdown, and although it helped I still wasn’t “well”…
Last year again I was back on meds and I finally got regular weekly counselling on the NHS. I don’t know what was different about this counsellor, but after 20 years I was finally honest about everything. My ex husband had been abusive in the worst ways but the long mental abuse really fucked me up (lol)… anyway.. point is, that after only 16 sessions of nhs counselling I’m now a different person. I genuinely now believe that if you stick at it long enough eventually you will meet a healthcare professional who u will click with and who can get you to unlock all the crap. Don’t get me wrong it was hideous and the flashbacks and nightmares were awful BUT if a fucked up nightmare can be “cured” whilst having treatment for cancer, ANYONE can… before treatment I couldn’t even get hugs from my kids round my neck cause it would trigger flashbacks… now I can swing them round my head & shoulders without a worry! I even gave my ex a lift recently without a panic attack.
Keep asking for weekly sessions as tablets only mask what’s going on inside. You CAN get through anything, I can see how strong and determined you are, please just believe in yourself and that you WILL get there 🙂 xx

Me
You are amazing!!!
How do you feel about being quoted on my blog?
Understand if no
I think I’ve met my healthcare professional

Anon 2

I am very NOT amazing lol! Not sure what in my blethering is quotable, but sure lol!
I can see you’re a fighter and have faith in u s’all 🙂

All I can say is inspirational, and thank you x

Right so I’m gunna concentrate on myself for a couple of weeks see if I can get a few positive things moving forward, watch this space?

I need and it is a need not a want, I NEED more guest bloggers, new bloggers, return bloggers, mentalist bloggers, alcoholic bloggers (both active and retired), mentalists and alcoholics victims bloggers, “normal” bloggers etc etc. As I hope you know by now no subject is off the table!!!!

Some of you will be thinking “I wish I could write something, but I can’t” bollox to that yes you can, write something and send it to me…. I wrote something for a friend the other day and he wrote back and told me it was shite…. Well, that’s the point it might not be perfect but it’s what’s in your noggin at the time and what’s in your noggin is more than likely in someone else’s noggin and reading it will help them, writing it will help you so just bloody write it….

Sometimes we have to be told, I’ve been told today and now so have you….

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

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F’d off with this shite

I have a feeling this post is gunna be a complete pile of shite cus my head ain’t in the right place but I need to post to get it out, sorry.

I know I have to see a psychiatrist cus I’m a mentalist but I just don’t think the build up before the appointment and the immense disappointment after the appointment is worth it. My NEW noggin doc is a good bloke and he knows his game but it has been 2 months between appointments and yesterday we spoke for 26 minutes during which he spoke for about 2 of them. He asked me to make another appointment for 6 to 8 weeks time but I couldn’t cus he is completely and utterly fully booked and just to fuck me off a little bit more when he writes me a prescription for the new meds I’ve gotta take my file has still got the wrong fucking address on it. I have advised my address change many times to the NHS.

Although to be fair to the NHS I have advised my address change to the DWP many times but they still have it wrong and during a conversation yesterday, a call I had to make, I was read a warning about action being taken against me if I failed to provide up to date details…. I made a phone call to them because 52 weeks on I haven’t had my interview I should of had after 13 weeks as they have a bit of a back log…. Can I take action against them for not providing me with up to date details????

I need to stress that I like the new noggin doc, like I liked my last one who I saw twice before I was swapped to another one because the original one was a temporary measure, a temporary measure that no one could be arsed to tell me about. This will come as no great shock when I say the issue is the broken, pathetic, not fit for purpose NHS system it is broken and it is un fixable!!!! And it’s not just the mental health side that’s broken, oooohh nnooooo, after what I witnessed in Truro hospital last week and some of the many many other stories I have been told recently….

In the past I have made sure I stressed how good the people within the system are and in the main they are but the nurses on duty, (I’d say looking after but that would be bullshite!!) I wouldn’t let them look after a bucket of shite…. The doctor I spoke with was fantastic but the people in charge of making sure my nan was comfortable and not in too much pain were useless to the point that the buzzer each patient should have was still wrapped around the top of the bed before someone overheard my mom saying to nan that she should push the buzzer if she needed anything….

Anywhoo….

I don’t know why I asked the noggin doc yesterday about a diagnosis but I did and he gave me a vague different diagnosis to the vague diagnosis the last noggin doc gave me after I had to ask. I’m not gunna ask again cus it really doesn’t matter…. As I’ve said before I believe what noggin docs do is mainly guess work, they chuck a few pills at you and see what effect they have on you, then they find out that effect 8 weeks later at the next 25 minute appointment. Problem is, this process is fucking with my head and fucking with my life, I want to start making some more positive constructive steps forward to get back into the real world but it’s just not possible!!!! And it’s not possible because of the NHS, yes I am getting some help from them now but it is far too late, veeeeery slow and veeeeery painful and having a veeeeery negative effect on me and those around me.

How the fuck is a noggin doc supposed to make a specific diagnosis or put together a useful care plan when they only see you for 25 minutes every 8 weeks. The answer to this question is They can’t, so you end up like a fucking puppet hanging from strings unable to move your body and life forward yourself…. It’s an absolute disgrace!!!!

I used the word negative a few lines ago, this is a very negative moment in my joke of a life and if I wasn’t as strong as I am fuck knows what would happen, but because of me, because I am selfish, because I am stubborn, because I’m a fucking determined c**t I will spin this negative to a positive and I will use it to give me more determination to make a difference, I will use that determination to make sure I fix myself cus let’s face it the NHS CANT BE ARSED AND HAVENT GOT ANYWHERE NEAR THE RESOURCES THEY NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, ALL THEY DO IS MAKE ME WORSE AND PUT ME IN DANGER.watch The Belko Experiment movie online now

Some of the above is a little unfair to the people who I see on a regular basis these days, but I’m pretty sure they would agree with most of it, off the record of course….

So where has this weeks NHS appointment left me?
Sitting on my own writing this, mobile switched off, logged out of Twitter, logged out of Facebook. I can’t face logging into either of them and those who know me will know how often I am usually on them both.

So thank you once again NHS your help has left me isolated and not wanting to communicate with the outside world…. That’s progress!!!!

I’ve now got to see if I can work out how to post links to this post without fully logging in to Facebook and Twitter, I know it’s possible but my head is currently fucked up I can’t thunk.

Thanks NHS, thanks for absolutely NOTHING!!!

Also I would like to say a special thank you to EBE’s for treating me like a c**t as well

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

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Got something to say? Yes you have!!!

G’day hope you are all well or even well’ish……

I got a bit thorfull and emotional yesterday and posted a couple of things on Facebook, well if I’m honest I probably posted about 102 posts, think I might be a little addicted to FB and Twitter it’s almost as if I have an addictive personality….. Who’d of thunk it???

I woke this morning about 5:30am and have been wide awake since then, I have the urge to write something but I’ve decided to keep my gob shut (fingers still) for a change and ask you guys for some more guest posts. There are NO subjects off limits so you can write whatever your heart and noggin wants to.

This will sound a little “ooohhhh look at me” but I don’t really care cus yes I am after attention I want attention for exboozehound so exboozehound can help more people…. Again that sounds a little “ooohhhh look at me” but I have had a lot of private messages saying I have helped people and the words of previous guest posters have helped people as well and we HAVE to keep talking or indeed typing about all this so that no “odd thought” or “mentalist feelings” are kept hidden away, if we hide them they destroy us!!!live streaming film King Arthur: Legend of the Sword online

I was told a new inspirational quote the other day by a new very talented friend and I wanted to share it….

Good’un ain’t it?!

Ok get your thinking cap on, strap on a pair and write me summit, something that will inspire people to work everyday to overcome their personal demons. If a proper numpty like me can do it you can do it as well!!!

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

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I hurt daily

Don’t worry I’m not after sympathy it’s just a fact…. Each and every day I feel pain, excruciating mental pain…. But every single last bit of that pain is worth it as the alternative is something I don’t think about these days!!!!

My whole life I have considered myself a failure, a loser, a waste of a human being, a useless c**t!!!!

I never found anything that I excelled at, I was pretty much shite at everything!!!!

I have now found what I am good at and that is BEING ME…. Who’d of thunk it??

If I never achieve anything else in life I know I have achieved something that money cannot buy…. I received a message (a while back) saying I stopped someone killing themselves and that my blog was one of the only things keeping them going….

Currently I am doing a lot of strange things and making decisions that people think are based on my mania…. A lot of them are…. One of them isn’t!!!!

I’ve purchased a watch today, that I can’t afford, but I wanted something special to remember this FANTASTIC and HORRENDOUS time of my life…. Something other that tattoos (soz Mom x) the next tattoo idea is almost ready to go, needs a little bit of tweaking and drawing properly but it will be something like this: –

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of days pulling together the final draft of my “memoir” (that word sucks!), it’s 225 pages and I’m now going to look into self publishing, I have had some great advice already 🙂 . I think the title is going to be: –

@exboozehound – “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

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Guest Post “Tribute to Jon”

Had to prefix the title with “Guest Post”.Â “Tribute to Jon”Â is not a title I could use!! People would think “oooh look at him!!”
Â (I couldn’t think of another way of saying that without some pretty unpleasant swear words…… and i’m trying to mature??)

Without further a do, here is a guest post from my Twitter buddy Alex, Peace Out Dude (double chest pump)

Tribute to Jon. Man who taught me the word Noggin (plus other things!!!)

I think Jonâ€™s was the first blog I have ever followed. I think so. It was definitely one of the first 2 or 3, if not the first. I came into contact with him not long after I joined Twitter which I think was Dec 2013. I just noticed his blog from looking at the list of people another Twitter pal was following. I think I responded to a comment someone had made on his blog asking him to â€œman upâ€ and â€œstop moaningâ€. I remember Jon handling that comment really well. I then read about his 10 years plus of being off the booze and I was hooked on his blog! That and the Twitter profile picture he had at the time that reminded me of Charles Bronson (the notorious convict) LOL.

Iâ€™m a student mental health nurse (first year). Jon doesnâ€™t seem to mind me â€œrepresentingâ€ the NHS in some ways. He is often sounding off about the NHS and like anyone, he is entitled to voice his opinion, which for him is based on his experience of the NHS.

I was honoured when he asked if Iâ€™d consider writing a â€œguest blogâ€. I am not a blogger and the blogging world is very new to me. I had a completely different idea of what to write earlier today. Iâ€™m waiting an essay result tonight (Friday) from my University degree and am very anxious about it and was going to write a blog called â€œF*** this Anxietyâ€, but I am not sure how relevant it would have been to his blog to be honest, so I had a rethink.

Itâ€™s possible this is a cop out and Iâ€™ve ended up writing more about him than me here. I think when I am bit more â€œup and runningâ€ and confident with writing about myself or writing about something that would really interest his readers I will ask him if I can do another piece on here.

However for now, Iâ€™d like to make this more about him than me. Thereâ€™s other reasons for this. He has just completed 11 years sober. That achievement speaks for itself. No need for me to add words like amazing, fantastic and wonderful when we all already know that. Heâ€™s been a good person for me to get to know as he has, and will continue to hopefully, teach me a thing or two about addiction. Iâ€™ve worked in the mental health field for many years, and supported people with addictions, but Iâ€™ve never really specialised in addiction work and so my general mental health knowledge is much stronger than my knowledge in addiction.

This is also the guy that was my inspiration behind getting involved with DryAthlon. That was basically eliminating booze for January 2014 to raise funds for Cancer Research. He even sponsored me Â£10 which was the 2^nd highest figure I got and he has never even met me! Plus I know he is operating on a limited budget, so I was a bit blown away with that. Jon is also the person responsible for me coming into contact with someone on twitter called Judy @HeyJudeusa. He had pointed me in the direction of an interview she gave about losing her son to mental illness. Since then Iâ€™ve had a few chats with her on-line and am really happy to have become acquainted with her.

Oh, and Noggin. I believe thatâ€™s Jonâ€™s word for his â€œmindâ€ or his â€œbrainâ€, although I might stand to be corrected on that! It might even be a true word for all I know. Often Iâ€™m not sure if some of his words are â€œthe language of Jonâ€ or actual words that I havenâ€™t heard of LOL.Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

Peace Out

Alex
@AJ628studentMH

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11 Years Soba

21st February slight addition, please also read these 2 pages
Back in 5’ish minutes
Random Thoughts

Yes I know I have spelt soba wrong, it should be sober but hey ho, shit happens. I guarantee this won’t be the only spelling mistake…..

Somehow I completely forgot that today the 18th February 2014 I am 11 years soba…… I was only talking about it the other day with a mate, I’ve known him since play school (he was a fat little git back then 😉 ). If you’ve read other posts, this mate happens to be the George Best to my Oliver Read (I think he was Best, could of been Greavesie but for some reason my memory is a little hazy at times…). I was around his catching up. I told him something very personal, I know I can trust him with my life and vice versa!! We laughed about the amount of booze I chucked down my neck on the 17th February 2003, and the look on my Moms face when I told the booze clinic nurse what I’d drunk the night before…

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my mates are definitely not the most sensitive bunch of guys in the world!!!! But they completely and utterly accept I’m a mentalist alcoholic. I’ll give you a little example of the sensitivity levels… When I got my beating I lost a number of teeth that cost Â£4k to replace…. The same mates comment wasn’t “it must of been hard to go through all that dentistry work” or “how do you feel, is there any pain?” Nope….. He said “to be honest Mans they did you a favour cus your teeth were shite before….” I’d class that as quite a sensitive comment…..

Last night I got a message on Face Book from him saying “….oh forgot to say 11 years today great going mate !!!” I thought “what for?”…. Then I looked at the date….”Fuck me tomorrow I’m 11 years soba!!!” Ok I’m not “perfect” with noggin stuff, but I’m stronger than I’ve EVER been and I know my mind better than I’ve EVER known it!! I’m manic now and then, which I don’t like, I’m impulsive at times, which I do like but people I love aren’t to keen on, I’m very depressed and tired at times (or as someone who should know better wrote in a letter “in low mood” I kid you not!!), my noggin buzzes, my body twitches, me and sleep ain’t good buddies, I have the concentration of a backward gold fish, the list goes on, blah, blah, blah…. But and this is a big BUT “I’m as happy as a pig in shite!!” Doesn’t make sense? No, probably not, but “it is what is is” I constantly reevaluate, adapt and change my coping mechanisms and I simply “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”.

Right let’s get back to the booze thing…..

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY IF I CAN GIVE IT UP ANYONE CAN…… YES I WAS A FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC, I HAD A JOB ETC, BUT BOOZE WAS ALWAYS ON MY MIND. IF I WASNT DRINKING IT I WAS THINKING ABOUT DRINKING IT, WHEN I WAS DRINKING IT I WAS THINKING HAVE I GOT ENOUGH TO GET ME THROUGH? BOOZE WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN MY LIFE NOTHING WAS MORE IMPORTANT…….. NOTHING!!!

If you know or think or are told you have an issue with booze (or drugs, but I can’t really talk about that) eventually it will kill you or someone else. No that’s not “shock tactics” bollox, it is fact!!! And it’s not just the old soaks in the street that die, the rich and famous do as well…. I’m not going to list them we all know who they are. They have all the money in the world to pay for rehab but if they don’t get it they don’t get it!! A non alcoholic can’t possibly understand. I’ve just had a thought pop into my noggin so I’m gunna roll with it “it’s like being possessed, you know you have to stop but something tells you you can’t, how the fuck are you going to go the rest of your life without booze ha ha ha ha ha ha…..” At this moment that comment allows me to hit the nail on the head, I will contradict this at some point I may have already done so, but, if someone asks me “will you never drink again?” I can’t answer “Yes” with complete honesty. I can say with 99.9% certainty that I can’t drink again! but every now and then the thought creeps into my head “I wonder if I could control it now?”. Oof!!! That is dangerous thinking, that is alcoholic thinking, my noggin is playing games with me and lying to me like it has done so many times before. Don’t think about never having booze again, think about each day as it comes.. (Cliche? Yes! but it works!!).

I BELIEVE THAT IF I WAS TO HAVE JUST ONE DRINK MY WORLD WOULD IMPLODE, I HAVENT GOT ANOTHER RECOVERY IN ME…. FACTS IS FACTS!! I FUCKING LOVE BOOZE, I FUCKING LOVE BEING BEYOND PISSED, I FUCKING LOVE BEING OUT OF IT AND THAT IS BECAUSE I AM AN ALCOHOLIC, I WAS BORN AN ALCOHOLIC AND I WILL DIE AN ALCOHOLIC. HOPEFULLY I WILL DIE A SOBA ALCOHOLIC. I WILL USE ALL THE TOOLS I HAVE GATHERED TOGETHER OVER THE LAST 11 YEARS AND IF THEY STOP WORKING I WILL REEVALUATE, ADAPT AND GET SOME DIFFERENT FUCKING TOOLS…… ITS BLOODY EASY!!!Â (It’s not easy but what’s the alternative?…… Oh yes that’s it death!!!)

Let’s jump back a bit, why did I mention my mates aren’t the most sensitive guys in the world? I wanted to show that even harsh, banter-full neh down right abusive MEN (soz guys but you know it’s true and we wouldn’t have it any other way) will accept any shit if you are honest with them. It would of been more difficult when we were 20 but I’m pretty sure if I had of strapped on a pair back then and spoke to my mates they would of accepted it, yes they would of took the piss but they would of accepted it. So strap on a pair and talk to someone, if you really can’t talk to your friends or family call one of the many help lines out there, go to AA (I’m not an advocate of AA but they have helped millions of people) or if you want, send me a message on here or exboozehound.co.uk@gmail.com or @exboozehound…. I’m not a qualified expert, I won’t be there for you 100% of the time unconditionally but I won’t bullshit you I will tell it how it is and if I have to I will tell you to do one. We can’t pussy around with this shit anymore, YOU have to find YOUR coping mechanisms!! They will be different to mine, they will be different to the coping mechanisms that AA preach, they will be different from that son of Brenda’s friend down the road, they will be YOUR ADAPTABLE COPING MECHANISMS!! Many of my mechanisms are stolen and adapted from AA but there is no way I would wear their full tool belt it would fuck me up!!

I didn’t actually want to post anything today because I wanted AL’s guest post to be the landing page for a few days, but I guess I had to, 11 years…. Miracles do happen!! (No I don’t believe in God or a higher power but I can’t think of a better word than miracles) Please check out this link to AL”s guest post.

Keep smiling 🙂

Time to finalise my celebration tattoo… Shhhh it’s a secret x

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This is me

G’day, if you have been to this blog before……
You will know I never know where a post is going to go, I like this fact because it means it’s not planned so must be true.
You will also know I often contradict myself, I like this fact because it means it is my feelings at the time so must be true.

This post is different, I know where this post is going, I know I shouldn’t be typing right now because I have no filter to say “you can’t say that!”

First let me ask you a small favour, imagine I am on my knees and I am begging, if you think I am an good guy or if you think I’m a tosser PLEASE PLEASE SHARE, RT, REPOST, EMAIL, TALK ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO ENSURE ANOTHER PERSON IS AWARE OF THIS POST!!!

I am going to reintroduce myself, I am Jon, I am “exboozehound”, I am not PC, What I am has many descriptions a number of them are: –
Nut job
Mentalist
Nutter
Bonkers
Mad as a bucket of frogs
Etc etc

I am also an alcoholic, an alcoholic that has been soba (sorry mom sober) almost 11 years, but I choose to still call myself an alcoholic, many disagree with this, I don’t care!

I am 40, I am 6 foot tall, I have a younger brother who is taller, slimmer and better looking than me (I disagree with the last bit, but others don’t 🙁 ), I’m about 13 stone (maybe a smidge over?), I have size 12 feet 😉 (that’s a lie 🙁 ), I smoke (although officially I gave up in January), I am in love with someone but complications keep us apart, I’m awesome at squash, I’ve just completed the 30 day plank challenge, I did 20 press ups today, I did 5 chin ups last night, I have decided I am going to start skate boarding (I kid you not… Stoked man gunna get me a sick board), I am a very talented photographer 😉 , I love the Happy record, I hate the fact I love the Happy record and I am a bad influence on my two awesome nephews… Think that will do…. Are you still with me??

As we all know people with mental illness are weak, pathetic and dangerous. They should just pull themselves together, strap on a pair or just have a nice holiday….. ABSOLUTE BOLLOX!!!!! We are strong, courageous and only dangerous to ourselves. We try everyday to pull ourselves together, I have a pair (thank you very much) and a nice holiday can make things worse!!! Some people with mental illness become dangerous because they don’t get any treatment or perhaps more importantly the correct treatment. I’m not going to talk about specifics but we all watch the news.

Amongst other things I posted this on Facebook today: –
“It’s the attitude of a winner….. Although the whole of my life I have considered myself a loser, I now KNOW I AM A WINNER!! There is a perception that people with mental illness are weak, soft, dangerous…. None of that is true, speaking for myself I am STRONG, PERHAPS GENTLE AND NEVER EVER DANGEROUS (only to myself, but those times have passed!!). There ain’t nothing I can’t handle, NOTHING! X”

I have some statistics for you, I know booooring! I also know statistics can prove anything you want them to!!! These may not be completely accurate but I lost concentration and just went with the first ones I could find: –

Great Britain population – 63,000,000
Great Britain population under 18 – 13,860,000
Great Britain eligible voters – 49,140,000
65% of eligible voters vote – 31,941,000
1 in 4 of those votes are made
by people with mental illness – 7,985,250

1 in 4 have Mental illness (63mill x 25%) – 15,750,000
Let’s say each of those mentally
ill have 3 family members (so 4?) – 63,000,000

I’m not actually sure what my point is here but I think you will agree there is something interesting in those figures???

So, with those sort of statistics how is it us mentalist are being treated like fucking pointless morons, how is it we are given the wrong medication, how is it we are killing ourselves, how is it that mental illness isn’t as important as physical illness, how is it that stigma still exists, how is it we are sent home from A&E, how is it I was not just sent home but told I shouldn’t of gone there, how is it that your reputation can be affected your reputation isn’t affected if you have a physical illness, how is it that it takes months to see a proper noggin doc, how is it that I am having to make myself ill by continuing with a formal complaint with the NHS, how is it right that people within the NHS actually asked me to complain, how is it that the NHS think they can write me a bullshit letter and think I will go away, how is it that when I phoned a CRISIS LINE I got an automated message saying the mail box is full and you cannot leave a message, how is it I can be given a CRISIS LINE number and when I ring it the person who answers says because I’m not known to them I can’t talk to anyone, how is it when I called another CRISIS LINE it was engaged twice!! (I have to say at this point when they did phone back the lady was awesome), how is it that some GP’s give advice that is absolute bollox, how is it that when my GP faxed a local mental health centre to say he was concerned about the fact I had planned to kill myself the day before it took them two days to phone me, how is it that I now have two meetings in the next couple of weeks with my local MP and the NHS about my complaint, how is it that the guy I met from the NHS was genuinely caring and concerned but his boss is obviously a muppet with no clue about mental illness, how is it that muppet probably gets paid a ridiculous amount of money and I have to live on ESA because the NHS faffed about so much, how is it that the NHS actually made my illness worse (FACT!), how is it that if I had just relied on the NHS to help me I would be dead by now, how is it that I hear stories of people who have actually killed themselves because the NHS were shit in 2003 and are still shit now, how is it that mental illness is not considered a terminal illness, how is it that when I typed into Google “what’s the best way to” the fist option it gave was “die” and on the first page it talked about methods of suicide, how is it the these fucking MP’s are still getting away with spouting out absolute bollox when they know they will never fix the NHS because it’s not in their interest……….watch film Woman in Gold now

There are so many more things I could put in the section above, it is a fucking disgrace!!!

Why did I ask you at the start to post, share, email etc etc, because through Twitter, Facebook and this blog I have met people that know these illnesses inside out, I can read them like a book and they can read me like a book. A lady I have never met and have only been aware of for a week or so sent me a DM on Facebook because she could spot from simple posts that I was struggling. I have received loads of private messages from people who are suffering but are too ashamed to speak out. I believe I have destroyed my chance of ever having a proper job again, anyone who reads my words would never employ me and I don’t blame them. Will people ever be able to trust me 100%, I’m a mentalist I could be dangerous! Most of these book monkeys know fuck all, I seem to of got lucky because my psychiatrist appears to be human and able to speak English not just the language of book bollox.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE THAT WE JOIN TOGETHER ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO ACTUALLY KNOW MENTAL ILLNESS, WHETHER IT BE INDIVIDUALS, CHARITIES, HELP GROUPS, WEBSITES, TWITTER ACCOUNTS, FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS, BLOGS, GOOD NOGGIN DOCS, MENTALISTS, NORMALS, AND SO ON. IF WE ALL KEEP PULLING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS WE WILL STILL BE FUCKED IN ANOTHER 10 YEARS!!!

Here comes the delusional bit:-
I made a pledge on the Time To Change Pledge Wall and I am going to 100% honour that pledge…
Jon exboozehound.co.uk
I pledge to do everything possible to help people and to make the NHS provide a proper joined up Mental Health Service

Here comes the weird bit:-
I always thought clairvoyance was bollox but last week my Mom went to see one and here is what the clairvoyant said about me….

“He will choose a new direction/new career, this would be to help other people over a wide area who are suffering as he was and to help them understand there illness better”

It is time to stop fucking about with this.

It is time to do something.

We can make a difference!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

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Awesome and tough day

Strange one today….I saw the psychiatrist for the second time and unfortunately had to post this on my return: –

IÂ say unfortunately, because I have to go back a bit on what I have said before, don’t get me wrong I still think the NHS is broken, I have always said the NHS staff are very good (mostly!) and also let down by the NHS system. However I am wrong to call all psychiatrists “book monkeys” (I will continue to call them this, sorry). I guess I cant name the noggin doc I saw for the second time today, but he has gained my trust today because he spoke like a human being and a lot, maybe even most of what he said made sense. A mate of mine commented on Facebook in reply to Â the remark about them “using sales techniques”: –

“I think us sales people use their techniques me old fruit!”

My reply was: –

“Very good point!! Bollox!!!! X”

Although I can admit I am wrong, I don’t like to 🙁 . You will however notice I replied to myself on Twitter with a little comment for Jeremy Hunt, not that he will read it or do anything about it, but hey ho.

It was a tough day because I wasn’t looking forward to seeing the psychiatrist again, but like most things it worked out better than I had thought. It’s was an awesome day because he seemed very pleased with my progress, he has put on hold the extra drugs he mentioned last time, which I was very very happy about, and he was very complimentary about the coping mechanisms I have put in place and adapted myself. I will now see him again in 2 months, when he said that last time I found it very stressful, this time I know I can cope and progress.

Before anyone starts thinking “careful Jon, don’t get a head of yourself” I know this and am prepared for it, a few weeks back I had a situation that made me realise I wasn’t as stable as I thought (click here for post on this) I did some very silly things that I’m ashamed of and I still regret, but I can’t change them I have to move forward. Because of this realisation moment I had to reevaluate and adapt, I now know what I have to do and if those things start to stop working I will reevaluate and adapt again. I am building a good “exboozehound recovery dictionary” and a very strong “exboozehound library of life mottos” and these will help see me through. I’m going to try to put together the above “dictionary” and “library” for my next post. I think regular readers will probably know a few of these by now!!

There was obviously other stuff discussed during the appointment, but some things I have to keep to myself, at least until I get my noggin around them anyway.

I will finish with a statement of fact: –

Â “I am stronger than I have ever been, I know I have mental health issues but I’m not ashamed of that. Mental illness has made me what I am today and what I am today is a good guy, a strong guy, a loyal guy, an honest guy, a dependable guy (not always), and finally a collections of “Jon’s” that I am starting to like”Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Ok that’s a bit over the top, but fuck it, it’s been a long time since I have been able to say “I like me”.

Keep smiling 🙂

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