Category: Recovery

John Fryer lives on and will save lives with Jon Mansell aka exboozehound

OOF!! I have put my surname, I know I have done this before by mistake but today I have done it intentionally…. I bang on all the time about not being ashamed of who and what I am, a Mentalist Alcie :-O but then I try (and fail appallingly) to keep my FB and Twitter accounts separate at times, what a tool!!! (that’s growth that is back in the day “tool” would of been count but I don’t type the word count anymore its a county thing to type).

A while back I planned to keep everything completely separate for the most beautiful person I have ever met, inside and out, but they insisted I didn’t, so from now on if I have to get my tackle out to make a point I will (urgh!!) as long as its a warm day and i’ve employed a fluffer 😉

Right that’s my usual blox out the way (we all know there is more blox to come don’t we, but that is me…. like it? cool don’t like it? cool

John Fryer is a guy I never met, he took his own life in 2003, in fact he took his own life 21/4/2003. I might have this wrong but he was born in 1973 (possibly 1974 but that would make my point have less impact and hey i’m a publish author now so I’m aloud a little “artistic” license) his mom loves him dearly and from what I can tell he is an awesome person, he is a lot like me…. “Mental but Magic”.

He likes Motorbikes, he fell off a lot of motorbikes (numpty), I got knocked of mine dude that’s the manly way to do it, having said that you got back on and I bottled it, so your the bigger man! I still miss my motorbike I was just about to do the big bike license and then some bloomin foreigner in a left hand drive car thought it would be clever to turn right from the left hand lane on an island and hadn’t spotted me in the right hand lane…. In that split second I thought flip me this aint gunna go well, if I go to my brakes i’m gunna come of worse so I decided to go will the flow and tickle his car with my bike, body and soul…. ow! So I tickled the back panel of the motor, bounced off and tickled the passenger door, once I’d had enough of tickling, I hit the deck. My first thought was “i’m in trouble with the misses we’re going on holiday in a couple of weeks” my next thought was “I cant feel my leg” my next thought was “course you cant feel your leg you tool you have a motorbike lying on it”. The “Germans” got out of their car and said “We didn’t see you, we heard a bump and thought something had fallen off the car” it had you numpty, that thing falling off your car was me!!!

John likes music, I will be benefiting from this fact cus his mom has said she would like to give me his music, do I have shame benefiting in this way? nope, do I feel honoured? yup. Will John be saying don’t give that numpty my music? probably. But I promise I will look after it dude!!!!

John likes to wind his mom up, I like to wind his mom up, I consider it a fun pastime (sorry JF x). I like to wind my mom up (sorry mommy, love yoooooo x).

John and me would of got on, and we will get on because we are going to work together, we are going to cause trouble together, we are and have saved lives together. John if I have ever referred to you in the past tense or refer to you in the past tense any time in the future I am wrong, I hope your Mom, Dad and Sisters will allow me to continue your life through me? I know its a bit of a come down for you dude, i’m a Black Country crossed with a Brummie but i’ve got a good heart and I believe in you and me.

There was so much more I wanted to say but all of a sudden my noggin has switched off, as you know dude this happens to us mentalists…. but also as we know this happens to them normal’s as well they just aint intelligent enough to know whats going on

I dropped your mom a message earlier to ask if I could write about you today, I don’t think I have had a response yet but I haven’t looked because I am trying (and again failing) to write this mindfully. I am going to publish this as it is now, i’m not gunna read it back cus I dont want to change anything, I want it to be from the heart and the badly wired up noggin, I know you will understand that and I guess you will probably like the fact that it might wind your mom up 😉 ….

I aint gunna RIP you dude, cus you aint got time to rest we have work to do, we have trouble to cause, we have changes to make, we have lives to save and I have not one shred of doubt we will do this in our own inevitable way…. badly at times but honestly (maybe with a little bit of manipulation, cus I have a feeling you can be manipulative as well, but you aint got my manipulation powers dude i’m a master of the art neh a master of the trade 😉

RIP, pah Ride In Purity (soz best I could come up with)

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




È costituito dal dubbio che l’efficacia non sia la medesima del medicinale tradizionale, in tal modo aumenta l’afflusso del sangue nel pene. Sfruttando il principio Attivo Kamagra permette erezioni naturali o emulsione , non è a discrezione del Farmacista, che si basa sul sangue di entrare.

Life n Death

That ain’t really the title I wanted to use but even though I’m not exactly subtle at times I thought a title saying “Suicide” was unsubtleness at it’s most unsubtle….

I have tried to avoid the Robin Williams subject this week, all the speculation about “why” he killed himself….

Apparently he took his own life because….

His ex wives have took him for 20 million
He has Parkinson’s disease
His film career ain’t what it used to be
He didn’t want to take the TV roles

And I’m guessing there have been loads of other reasons as well…. Blah blah blah….

Well…. I know why he killed himself and that’s because he knew who shot JFK and the pressure got to him…. Oh and also cus he was skint he figured if he killed himself all the reruns of his films would bring a nice income in for his family…..

Hold up, that sounds like utter made up bullshit doesn’t it, have I gone mad, am I delusional, are the voices telling me the truth, is Robin speaking to me himself???? NOPE!!!!

The reasons I have given are utter made up bullshit…. And I should be ashamed of myself for making stuff like that up, shouldn’t I? Probably, but here’s the thing…..

20 million, Parkinson’s, career, TV roles are also utter made up bullshit, it’s all purely speculation. In theory if he’s left a “suicide note” surely that will tell us the reasons why he did it? For me if there is a note anything in it is still just made up reasons, cus any note written by someone who is just about to kill themselves is bullshit as well. If you are just about to kill yourself I would to suggest you’re probably not in the most rational frame of mind….

I’m not writing this crap to upset anyone, I’m gunna try and explain what the fuck I’m on about from my own personal point of view…. If I ever read this back, which is very unlikely cus I talk so much bollox, I will more than likely disagree with what I have written and what I am about to write. My disagreement will come from simply the fact that I always try to be as honest as I possibly can, and cus I’m a “mentalist” my feelings and thoughts can change in a click of your fingers (or my fingers, anyone’s finger really, doesn’t even have to be fingers clicking it could be a tap on a desk or perhaps a whistle, who knows but I don’t think that detail is really that important….).

I have said for quite a few months now that I don’t think about suicide anymore, this in fact is bollocks…. I reckon on average I will think about suicide every couple of days, maybe twice a day. It doesn’t really matter how often I think about suicide, cus thinking about suicide is just that they are thoughts, they are involuntary thoughts, they are thoughts I’ve had on a regular basis since my late teens, they are flippant reactionary thoughts. When I was perhaps early 20’s I tried to take an overdose, obviously I failed (can’t do anything right can I??). I still don’t know to this day if that was an actual suicide attempt or a cry for help, if I had to give a definitive answer I would say it was a cry for help, with the added bonus that if no one had found me the pain would be over.

At some point this year, I was lying in bed trying to get through a bad time, trying to ride it out, when all of a sudden I got out of bed and got dressed solely for the purpose of going down to the local town centre and kill myself by jumping off the top of Asda car park. (other supermarkets available….)

A few months ago I drove myself to A&E because I was scared of my thoughts and feelings. I had a gut feeling that I was gunna lose control and harm myself, maybe harm someone else, maybe kill myself, I really don’t know…. I spent 4+ hours in A&E, whilst they appeared to be prioritising people with nose bleeds…. The full story is on here somewhere but it’s safe to say it didn’t end well, it ended with me being what I can only describe as a completely fucked up Nutjob ranting and raving at anyone I could….

Thoughts of suicide will probably haunt me for the rest of my life, but actually killing myself and ending it all couldn’t be further from my mind…. Hold up that sentence starts with something that is completely the opposite to what it ended with….

Is anyone of this making any sense? I fucking hope not!!!! Life and death doesn’t make any sense, what’s it all about? What’s the point in succeeding in life if all your gunna do at the end is die? Why play noughts and crosses when there’s only 3 possible outcomes? Why do anything? What’s the point? I for one ain’t even gunna bother trying to answer these questions…. What’s the point?

My planned day out to Asda, is the one, there was something different about that day, I was almost excited at the prospect of it all being over, part of me hoped it would make a point about the shite NHS system that had forced me to end it all and cus I’d had a few new tattoos even if I landed on my face my body would be easily identifiable….

What’s the point of all this bollocks? I have have no idea!!!!

Oh yes….
There doesn’t have to be a reason why someone kills themselves.
There may be many reasons why someone kills themselves.
But all the speculation doesn’t change a thing, unfortunately “it is what it is”.

There will always be people who believe the only answer to the pain they are enduring is to put a final end to it, there will always be people that succeed and find freedom from the unexplainable agony that is in there lives….

But the fact is….

SUICIDE IS NEVER EVER THE ANSWER TO ANY QUESTION, NOT IF YOU HAVE A RATIONAL PROPERLY FUNCTIONING NOGGIN.

Another fact is….

IF YOU ARE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING OR EVEN JUST HAVE THE SUICIDE THOUGHT GOING THROUGH YOUR NOGGIN YOU HAVEN’T GOT A RATIONAL PROPERLY FUNCTIONING NOGGIN.

I’m gunna read through the above now before I publish on the blog and put links on Twitter n Facebook, I may change a few little things but I won’t change anything dramatic, so chances are it won’t make any sense whatsoever, so the next bit ain’t really gunna help….

Have you ever had that thing when the last song you heard in your car on the way to work is stuck in your head aaaaaallllllllllll fucking day? In the morning you are annoying everyone around you by constantly humming, singing, whistling the tune, by the afternoon you are not only annoying the people around you but you are now pissing yourself write off?!?!?!?! Course you have everyone has!!!! Will anyone ever be able to explain this? Possibly, maybe not…. Who gives a shit it’s an insignificant thing, it’s just an involuntary action that happens from time to time.

Why when we bump into something do we automatically say “ow” even if it didn’t even hurt? Again, Who gives a shit it’s an insignificant thing, it’s just an involuntary action that happens from time to time.

For me that’s what mental illness is like, that’s what suicidal thoughts are like. It/they just are, they are just part of my every day life.

The thoughts and feelings my mental illness makes me have are involuntary things that happen from time to time.

The suicidal thoughts are involuntary things that happen from time to time.

There’s no reason why, there may be many reasons why but at the end of the day the only real reason that can explain these things is something completely and utterly unexplainable and that’s simply…. Mental illness

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)
http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/s/ref=is_s_ss_i_0_6?k=thingymajig&sprefix=Thingy

Como debo tomar medicamentos para la mayoria de los hombres prefieren algunos hombres o en este aspecto, muchas gracias por todos los hombres que todavía está aquí y trastornos del control, tensión etc. Maximizando asi como a complicaciones de la reproduccion y que no puedes contemplar del sexo o como agrandar su penus Pastillas de agrandamiento del pene que funcionan. Una placa de Cialis Original strips contiene 10 mg de Vardenafil, 50 mg y 100 mg las pastillas tambien se utilizara en los casos mas probabilidades de tener bajos niveles bajos de testosterona.

Is there a point to life?

The simple answer to that question is YES.

But sometimes, for me and I would hazard a guess for a lot more people than you’d think the answer would be…. No not really….

I believe they say “there’s only two things guaranteed in life and they are death and taxes….” Summit like that anyway. Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson said it better in one episode of Bottom “your born, you keep your head down and your die, if you’re lucky…” So if in the end were all gunna die what’s the point to struggling through a painful life, why don’t we just throw in the towel? Yes there’s good times, there’s great times but they are surrounded by difficult times, painful times, confusing times, pointless times etc. Unfortunately as we move forward it sometimes seems you can only remember the bad times the times that have caused the scars.

Nope, not a very positive star to this post…. It’s gunna get worse before it gets better!!!! Although the aim of this post is to be positive, eventually, first I have to deal with the negative and this time I am dealing with the negative for me to hopefully kick start my fight again, yes I hope it will help others as well but this one is mainly for me.

Today I have found myself thinking a couple of thoughts I haven’t thought for a while….

  • What’s the point
  • Nothing’s ever gunna go right for me
  • You’re a waste of a human life
  • You’d be better of dead
  • Strap on a pair and just disappear off into oblivion

I knew this “episode” was coming, it’s been coming for a couple of weeks, I’ve been fighting it as hard as I can but today I’ve found myself thinking “what’s the point”. Is there a point? I’m 41 years old, I have no wife, no girlfriend, no kids, no job, no house, no money, nothing a 41 year old really should have by now. I’ve been trying to set a few things in motion to earn a few quid but I can’t make any of them happen…. I have loads of ideas and I’m pretty sure a fully healthy me could make them all work, but I’m not fully healthy, haven’t been for many years and probably won’t ever be. Who the hell is going to take me seriously when everybody knows, cus I’ve tell and have told everyone I’m mentally ill, that’s not the best thing to put at the top of your CV….

I’ve spent a fair bit of cash trying to set these things in motion and at the moment I’m starting to believe the cash I’ve spent has been delusional and I will never get anything back…. When I was in the booze clinic I hit upon the motto “it’s better to regret those things you have done than the things you haven’t….” And I still believe in this, somehow, when I’m not listening to the demon inside my noggin I know I have to keep trying to move forward positively, but at the moment my demon is quite often the loudest voice in my head….
(That’s just a bunch of descriptive words, I don’t actually have voices, I don’t think I do anyway).

There seems to be a few of me at the moment, like the bad old days…. Am I Jon, “Jon” or exboozehound???? Somehow I have the ability to make people smile, I have the ability to calm people down, I have the ability to help people understand mentalism and alcoholism, I seem to have the ability to make people feel better about themselves. When I ran my Zorbs at the Paul McCann find for needy children day down the Halesowen Cricket Club a few weeks ago someone said to me that a few people had said how brilliant I was with the kids. My nephews love me, there’s another little kid that has said he loves me and I’m not related to him so he doesn’t have to love me, it would appear I’m a good person. One of my mates said to me a couple of weeks back (Pakres) “you’re not different Jon’s anymore are you you’re just the one Jon, I like this Jon” at the same time some one else (TH) “Jon Mansell’s ace”. All these things surely confirm I’m a good person, a loved person, someone who’s has something to give…. So why is
it inside I still sometimes feel like a horrible, worthless, pointless person, a person that will never amount to anything, a person who will never marry, settle down, have kids and live happily ever after? Why is it that when I am making people smile, helping people understand mentalism, helping people understand alcoholism, making people calmer, making people feel better about themselves,
why is it sometimes when I am laughing and being helpful and a good person on the outside, why am I sometimes dying inside and feeling horrendous mental pain, why is my demon telling me I’m an arsehole???? Why did I feel like crying when I was walking back from town this morning, why do I feel like crying now? Why do I feel like a pointless, worthless waste of a human being????

Oof, that’s an awful lot of “why’s” and if you’ve come across me before you may have read a few times that I KNOW “why?” Is a pointless and pretty much unanswerable question, asking “why” is just a waste of energy, “why” is “woe is me” “why” is me feeling sorry for myself….

I don’t know why, and in a couple of days I hopefully won’t give a flying monkeys chuff why, but at the moment I keep thinking “why”. This week, I think it was Wednesday, in the morning I saw my health worker and in the afternoon I spent about 2 hours being assessed for some more therapy. I thought I was going to be really negative with my health worker, and at times I was, but as I was being negative I was spinning pretty much everything to a positive. The afternoon assessment was hard work as well, as I was answering the 324 assessment questions I kept thinking to myself “you know what, there is something wrong with you, your noggin is definitely wired up wrong, you are a confirmed nut job, your thoughts are all wrong, you should just give up and fade away into the nothingness that you are and the pain you deserve”….

I think I’ve been about as honest as I possibly can about the current game that’s going on in my noggin, I would imagine you are pretty
certain “part” of my noggin is in a pretty horrendous and possibly dangerous place?

But, for me the most important word of the previous 1146 words is “part”….

At the moment that “part” of my noggin, the little bastard demon is winning the battles, but (and this is cheesy) IT WILL NOT WIN THE WAR…. Yes sometimes the little demon bastard has it’s fun, yes I know I ain’t right in the noggin, yes I know I have to keep fighting and very importantly I KNOW THERE IS A POINT TO MY LIFE. It might be a different point to “normal” life but there is a point and in the end I will win!!!!

There are lots of reasons why I know I’ll win but at the moment I’m unable to list them or verbalise them cus that f’ing loudmouth demon mother flipper is on top and laughing at me, but eventually, probably not today, probably not tomorrow, maybe not even next week the good part of my noggin will start shouting and winning again and kick the flipper very hard in the nuts and put him down!!!!

There is a point to my life, there is a point to your life.

If you’re feeling bad at the moment, you have to KNOW there will be plenty of good times to come. we just have to keep fighting daily to get those daily wins….

THERE AIN’T NOTHING WW CANT HANDLE…. EVENUALLY!!!!

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book




I’ve been told today…..

I’ve been told today…..

Since my noggin doc appointment on Monday I haven’t been very well, partly through exhaustion (I know pathetic I don’t even work!!), partly through anger, partly through fear, partly through new meds (I like the new meds they make me feel very very relaxed, almost high 🙂 ).….

Let’s be honest there are many many reasons for me not being very well the main one being that I am mentally ill, so I’m gunna stop mulling it over in my noggin and I’m gunna blast a few things out randomly and then see what happens…..

I’ve been going down hill for weeks and fighting it
I’ve been getting frustrated with people (I now know that was me frustrated with me)
I’m scared what an actual diagnosis will do to my noggin
I’m scared I’ll never be able to work again
I’m scared I’ll never be “fixed”
I’m scared I don’t know who I am (cus I’ve not been me for so long I’ve been “Jon”)
I’m scared no one will ever be able to love me and trust me
I’m scared, I’m frightened, I’m pathetic, I’m not man enough

Oh yes and I’m feeling sorry for myself!!!!

Yes, I’ve been going down hill and fighting it because that’s what us mentalists do, we fight!
Yes, I’m frustrated at me, that’s good because I’m frustrated cus I know I’m better than this!
Who gives a shite about an actual diagnosis, book monkeys ain’t got a clue anyway!
Work, well if it comes to it and you can’t work again, fuck it, it is what it is!
Fixed, fixed doesn’t exist, everybody out there is bonkers they just don’t know it yet!
Who am I? I’m a good person, that’s all that matters!
If no one can trust and love me, then tough….. Shit happens!
Scared, no your not! Frightened, no your not! Pathetic, no your not! Man enough, yes you fucking are!

Right, that solves that…. Doesn’t it?

Nope!

I’m gunna feel a little sorry for myself for a bit, I won’t be smiling all the time, I might even keep my gob still for a bit and reflect or maybe I’ll #ReevaluateAdaptChange …. Again….

I have been told today that I need to concentrate on myself which I’m going to do.

The amazing person who told me this also said many other amazing things to me which I am going to keep to myself, all I will say is it was exactly what I needed to hear, so thank you, you have just stopped a Nutjob going into a full meltdown xx

Oddly I’ve had a couple of DM’s on Twitter today that have given me more fight and belief, I hope you will get something from them aswell….

Anon 1

I will RT your mission re: mental illness Xxxxxx You’re RockStar Jon, bravo!

Me
Thank you…. RockStar? I wish xx
How’s things your end? X

Anon 1
Things busy in NYC & I’m not fond of summer. Ok if not RockStar then Lord of Raomi Land (Raise awareness on mental illness) xxo

…that’s as witty as I get at 6:31 am NYC time…. Sorry I did not see your message until just now. Have a great day Jon.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

These words blew me away! How amazing for someone to take their time to say that to me!!

Anon 2

I normally hate it when people turn my stuff into “their stuff”, but I’m going to do exactly that here…
For the past 20 years ish I have suffered from anxiety and panic attacks with nobody ever really knowing why, and tbh that was my own fault, I’ve spent time having different therapies – inc a month at the priory as an in-patient after a catatonic breakdown, and although it helped I still wasn’t “well”…
Last year again I was back on meds and I finally got regular weekly counselling on the NHS. I don’t know what was different about this counsellor, but after 20 years I was finally honest about everything. My ex husband had been abusive in the worst ways but the long mental abuse really fucked me up (lol)… anyway.. point is, that after only 16 sessions of nhs counselling I’m now a different person. I genuinely now believe that if you stick at it long enough eventually you will meet a healthcare professional who u will click with and who can get you to unlock all the crap. Don’t get me wrong it was hideous and the flashbacks and nightmares were awful BUT if a fucked up nightmare can be “cured” whilst having treatment for cancer, ANYONE can… before treatment I couldn’t even get hugs from my kids round my neck cause it would trigger flashbacks… now I can swing them round my head & shoulders without a worry! I even gave my ex a lift recently without a panic attack.
Keep asking for weekly sessions as tablets only mask what’s going on inside. You CAN get through anything, I can see how strong and determined you are, please just believe in yourself and that you WILL get there 🙂 xx

Me
You are amazing!!!
How do you feel about being quoted on my blog?
Understand if no
I think I’ve met my healthcare professional

Anon 2

I am very NOT amazing lol! Not sure what in my blethering is quotable, but sure lol!
I can see you’re a fighter and have faith in u s’all 🙂

All I can say is inspirational, and thank you x

Right so I’m gunna concentrate on myself for a couple of weeks see if I can get a few positive things moving forward, watch this space?

I need and it is a need not a want, I NEED more guest bloggers, new bloggers, return bloggers, mentalist bloggers, alcoholic bloggers (both active and retired), mentalists and alcoholics victims bloggers, “normal” bloggers etc etc. As I hope you know by now no subject is off the table!!!!

Some of you will be thinking “I wish I could write something, but I can’t” bollox to that yes you can, write something and send it to me…. I wrote something for a friend the other day and he wrote back and told me it was shite…. Well, that’s the point it might not be perfect but it’s what’s in your noggin at the time and what’s in your noggin is more than likely in someone else’s noggin and reading it will help them, writing it will help you so just bloody write it….

Sometimes we have to be told, I’ve been told today and now so have you….

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);



//

F’d off with this shite

I have a feeling this post is gunna be a complete pile of shite cus my head ain’t in the right place but I need to post to get it out, sorry.

I know I have to see a psychiatrist cus I’m a mentalist but I just don’t think the build up before the appointment and the immense disappointment after the appointment is worth it. My NEW noggin doc is a good bloke and he knows his game but it has been 2 months between appointments and yesterday we spoke for 26 minutes during which he spoke for about 2 of them. He asked me to make another appointment for 6 to 8 weeks time but I couldn’t cus he is completely and utterly fully booked and just to fuck me off a little bit more when he writes me a prescription for the new meds I’ve gotta take my file has still got the wrong fucking address on it. I have advised my address change many times to the NHS.

Although to be fair to the NHS I have advised my address change to the DWP many times but they still have it wrong and during a conversation yesterday, a call I had to make, I was read a warning about action being taken against me if I failed to provide up to date details…. I made a phone call to them because 52 weeks on I haven’t had my interview I should of had after 13 weeks as they have a bit of a back log…. Can I take action against them for not providing me with up to date details????

I need to stress that I like the new noggin doc, like I liked my last one who I saw twice before I was swapped to another one because the original one was a temporary measure, a temporary measure that no one could be arsed to tell me about. This will come as no great shock when I say the issue is the broken, pathetic, not fit for purpose NHS system it is broken and it is un fixable!!!! And it’s not just the mental health side that’s broken, oooohh nnooooo, after what I witnessed in Truro hospital last week and some of the many many other stories I have been told recently….

In the past I have made sure I stressed how good the people within the system are and in the main they are but the nurses on duty, (I’d say looking after but that would be bullshite!!) I wouldn’t let them look after a bucket of shite…. The doctor I spoke with was fantastic but the people in charge of making sure my nan was comfortable and not in too much pain were useless to the point that the buzzer each patient should have was still wrapped around the top of the bed before someone overheard my mom saying to nan that she should push the buzzer if she needed anything….

Anywhoo….

I don’t know why I asked the noggin doc yesterday about a diagnosis but I did and he gave me a vague different diagnosis to the vague diagnosis the last noggin doc gave me after I had to ask. I’m not gunna ask again cus it really doesn’t matter…. As I’ve said before I believe what noggin docs do is mainly guess work, they chuck a few pills at you and see what effect they have on you, then they find out that effect 8 weeks later at the next 25 minute appointment. Problem is, this process is fucking with my head and fucking with my life, I want to start making some more positive constructive steps forward to get back into the real world but it’s just not possible!!!! And it’s not possible because of the NHS, yes I am getting some help from them now but it is far too late, veeeeery slow and veeeeery painful and having a veeeeery negative effect on me and those around me.

How the fuck is a noggin doc supposed to make a specific diagnosis or put together a useful care plan when they only see you for 25 minutes every 8 weeks. The answer to this question is They can’t, so you end up like a fucking puppet hanging from strings unable to move your body and life forward yourself…. It’s an absolute disgrace!!!!

I used the word negative a few lines ago, this is a very negative moment in my joke of a life and if I wasn’t as strong as I am fuck knows what would happen, but because of me, because I am selfish, because I am stubborn, because I’m a fucking determined c**t I will spin this negative to a positive and I will use it to give me more determination to make a difference, I will use that determination to make sure I fix myself cus let’s face it the NHS CANT BE ARSED AND HAVENT GOT ANYWHERE NEAR THE RESOURCES THEY NEED TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, ALL THEY DO IS MAKE ME WORSE AND PUT ME IN DANGER.watch The Belko Experiment movie online now

Some of the above is a little unfair to the people who I see on a regular basis these days, but I’m pretty sure they would agree with most of it, off the record of course….

So where has this weeks NHS appointment left me?
Sitting on my own writing this, mobile switched off, logged out of Twitter, logged out of Facebook. I can’t face logging into either of them and those who know me will know how often I am usually on them both.

So thank you once again NHS your help has left me isolated and not wanting to communicate with the outside world…. That’s progress!!!!

I’ve now got to see if I can work out how to post links to this post without fully logging in to Facebook and Twitter, I know it’s possible but my head is currently fucked up I can’t thunk.

Thanks NHS, thanks for absolutely NOTHING!!!

Also I would like to say a special thank you to EBE’s for treating me like a c**t as well

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);



//

Got something to say? Yes you have!!!

G’day hope you are all well or even well’ish……

I got a bit thorfull and emotional yesterday and posted a couple of things on Facebook, well if I’m honest I probably posted about 102 posts, think I might be a little addicted to FB and Twitter it’s almost as if I have an addictive personality….. Who’d of thunk it???

image

image

I woke this morning about 5:30am and have been wide awake since then, I have the urge to write something but I’ve decided to keep my gob shut (fingers still) for a change and ask you guys for some more guest posts. There are NO subjects off limits so you can write whatever your heart and noggin wants to.

This will sound a little “ooohhhh look at me” but I don’t really care cus yes I am after attention I want attention for exboozehound so exboozehound can help more people…. Again that sounds a little “ooohhhh look at me” but I have had a lot of private messages saying I have helped people and the words of previous guest posters have helped people as well and we HAVE to keep talking or indeed typing about all this so that no “odd thought” or “mentalist feelings” are kept hidden away, if we hide them they destroy us!!!live streaming film King Arthur: Legend of the Sword online

I was told a new inspirational quote the other day by a new very talented friend and I wanted to share it….

image

Good’un ain’t it?!

Ok get your thinking cap on, strap on a pair and write me summit, something that will inspire people to work everyday to overcome their personal demons. If a proper numpty like me can do it you can do it as well!!!

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);



//

I hurt daily

Don’t worry I’m not after sympathy it’s just a fact…. Each and every day I feel pain, excruciating mental pain…. But every single last bit of that pain is worth it as the alternative is something I don’t think about these days!!!!

My whole life I have considered myself a failure, a loser, a waste of a human being, a useless c**t!!!!

I never found anything that I excelled at, I was pretty much shite at everything!!!!

I have now found what I am good at and that is BEING ME…. Who’d of thunk it??

If I never achieve anything else in life I know I have achieved something that money cannot buy…. I received a message (a while back) saying I stopped someone killing themselves and that my blog was one of the only things keeping them going….

Currently I am doing a lot of strange things and making decisions that people think are based on my mania…. A lot of them are…. One of them isn’t!!!!

I’ve purchased a watch today, that I can’t afford, but I wanted something special to remember this FANTASTIC and HORRENDOUS time of my life…. Something other that tattoos (soz Mom x) the next tattoo idea is almost ready to go, needs a little bit of tweaking and drawing properly but it will be something like this: –

image

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of days pulling together the final draft of my “memoir” (that word sucks!), it’s 225 pages and I’m now going to look into self publishing, I have had some great advice already 🙂 . I think the title is going to be: –

@exboozehound – “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




Sometimes I just want to give up on life

I was planning to stay away from blogging for a couple of weeks to have a little break from the turmoil of opening up my heart and mind and to get guest bloggers thoughts and feelings as well. I have a few more guest blogs to come and I thought the recent guest post by anon MC was amazing, amazing in an unpleasant way at times but amazing non the less because it is honest and for me it shows others they are not alone…. EVER!!

However, I received a message on Twitter and part of this message said how much they liked my honesty, yes I have been very honest, I have to be, but I haven’t been entirely honest recently, that is about to change and you can probably guess where we are going from the title of this post…. “sometimes I just want to give up on life” sounds negative and yes it is so let’s just deal with the negative side of this title to begin with….

I do want to give up on life because it is so fucking hard, day by day us mentalists struggle with the unseen pain of our illness, whatever the diagnosis if you actually have one. Why do I want to give up on life at the moment?…

Partly cus that’s just the way it is with MI your noggin tells you your a waste of a human being and the world would be a better place without you, your friends and family could stop worrying about you and get on with their lives, and anyway let’s face it no matter how much you try you will always be a failure at life so just fucking give up…. Am I right or am I right?

Partly cus I’m on another one of those cycles getting used to new meds….

Partly cus I want to move forward positively but I just can’t cus I can’t put my health at risk….

Partly cus I’m tired and bored of all the shite….

But hold up…. WTF? WGO?…

I’ll tell you what’s going on, I’m fucking feeling sorry for myself, oh woe is me life isn’t fair…. Damn fucking right life isn’t fair you fucking pussy it never has been and it never will be, life doesn’t owe you a thing if you want something then you have to do something so get off your fucking arse and do something!!!!

Ok, let’s deal with the positive side of “sometimes I just want to give up on life”.… How can there be a positive side to these words, these feelings? Easy, these thoughts and words are bullshit!!!! There is no way in this world you are gunna give up on life cus you have come so far, yes you still have a long way to go but exboozehound makes a difference, exboozehound helps people and in helping people you help yourself, you give yourself a purpose and you believe/know now that is the point of you…. (Ok, maybe the last bit is delusional, but you would think the same if you could see the messages I get in private and the things people say to me face to face, I am actually truly blessed with a beautiful life, beautiful cus it now has reason).

There’s nothing wrong with thinking and feeling “sometimes I just want to give up on life” it’s a fact of life. Look at it a different way…. Your looking for something around the house and you keep going back into the same room and looking under the the same object, you have even checked the fridge twice…. But the more you look the more you wind yourself up and you will never find it then cus your not actually looking anymore your energy is being spent going dolallytap and beating yourself up for being such a div…. It’s the same thing really life a bunch of keys, you will find them, but you may just have to chill the fuck out to enable that find….

Does any of that share make any sense?

Ok “sometimes I just want to give up on life”…. Yup!!!!

But…. Are you going to give up on life?…. Fuck no!!!! I’ve got shite to do, important shite!!!!

So, what’s the plan? Erm…. Mmm…. Urr….

The plan? I know what the plan is and I’m doing what I can to implement it, but in order to do so I need to think a lot and thunking ain’t really my bag….

I’m going to be sending some emails and DM’s to some of you, if you can’t help I won’t be upset, but I have to ask so I hope your not angered by me.

So…. is this a negative or positive post?… Without one simple word it would be negative and that word is sometimes….

Sometimes makes it a positive post cus it is just sometimes rather than all the time…. Inevitably there will be bad times just as there will be good times, all we have to do is….
image

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4
#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance

oh and don’t forget my book

Comprar os melhores produtos para a sua higiene pessoal Onde comprar Kamagra (Genérico Sildenafil) on-line? pela internet é possível na nossa drogaria online. É aí que o Fenodil entra quando você ingere a cápsula do suplemento os nutrientes são levados pela corrente sanguínea até o bulbo capilar ou seu endereço completo bem como a data do seu nascimento.

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);



//

Watch Fifty Shades Darker (2017) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Should have, Would have, Could have

G’day all, as I have been asked out of the blue recently “how’s it hanging?” Don’t worry you don’t need to answer that!!!! Unfortunately I did answer the question…… But received no response???

Anywhoo….

Below is another guest post from Saf (@safsaf02561914). I’m going to try and keep my gob shut for a short while on this post (if you’ve been here before you will know how difficult this will be for me!!!)

What I will say is the below post is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!

Thank you Saf xx

Should have, Would have, Could have

Hi everyone, Saf back again with pearls of other peoples wisdom!

This blog is all about the demands and commands we place on ourselves. A wee ( im Scottish) disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, this blog does not constitute help from a registered professional and is my own musing only.

Ok thats the legal bit over with!

So I have watched some, what I think, are really useful Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) videos lately presented and based on the work of Dr Albert Ellis and one presented by Dr Luann Helms Utah state University (links at the end of the blog). The videos look at CBT and RET (Rational Emotive Therapy) for stress and anxiety among many other mental health conditions. After watching them I was struck by how much I took from them, I have tried CBT before and reflection to varying levels of success but I took a lot from how the ideas in these resources where presented. In all likelihood I wont do these professionals any justice but I hope to share some of their ideas with you.

So to the title of the blog, one major idea that came out of watching the videos was this concept of being trapped by the would, should and coulds. Have you ever berated yourself with the following¦ I should have done that, I could have done this etc etc. Well I’m guessing yes, as it works for the blog so just roll with it. You could be at mercy of demanding and commanding that you and world bend to irrational perfection. To quote RET, the inference or assumption that you MUST have or be something; you MUST succeed , you MUST! Have approval, you MUST be perfect. Dr Albert Ellis speaks about the Dire need to make these happen when in fact you should be looking at Unconditional self-acceptance. Accepting you NO MATTER WHAT, and when Dr Ellis says no matter what he means it. He means, accepting yourself in the absence of the very things you may build your life upon, the absence of success, achievement, approval, talent and the list goes on.

Ellis talks about Irrational and Rational living, Irrational living is living to these infallible commandments that you MUST, yes it would be preferable not to fail, be a screw up , not get that job, or have negative things happen but it is not a MUST. This is irrational and utopian. It creates an overwhelming state of anxiety, setting you up for that inevitable fall. Now, there is nothing wrong with what Ellis terms rational concern. Of course you can be concerned at the habits that are having negative impact on your body or mind, of course you want to better yourself but and its a big but (snigger, sorry I just said big but, get it hmmm anyways) this only entangles you more into a cycle of worrying about the worry you focus so much on the fact you might fail that you have little energy left for actually tackling the issue that may cause the failure or negative consequence in the first place (I have got the t shirt on this one!) . You could live your life in a valuable way should these things not happen. Just because you fail once, does not mean you will fail again and again and even if you fail again and again this still does not mean you are a failure! You rate your actions NOT You! Ellis blows the idea of being a bad person of the water , universal rating; rating yourself as ultimately bad or good is hogwash according to Ellis and Helms. You do bad things; you do good things. Your behaviour will be liked and disliked by others. You decide what fits most with who you want to be. Shame and guilt, Helms states only leads to defining you as the problem. YOU ARE NOT! The things you do may be, these can be changed!

Helms talks about practising feeling a certain way, ask yourself this. if your returning again and again to that one or maybe more than one (if your me!) negative experiences in your day, week, year whatever; you are practising that pain! Now picture yourself rationalising this out, so you feel bad, you dont want to feel this way, so what do you do you go back to what was painful and you relive it over and over again wait.WHAT!!!

Really would you ever, even on a bad day, advise anyone else to do this???

Again, Im guessing but NO!!

Helms also talks about the ideal self, take one mountain (life), a path up that mountain (your journey) and your ideal self at the top. The idea is you are either getting further away from or closer to that ideal self, you never reach it because your ideal self, changes as you gain life experience and grow. What you can do is rate your action (not you!) on how close to your ideal self it takes you, how far up or down that mountain. This helped me put things into perspective and not judge all my actions as utterly terrible or utterly brilliant, both bring their own fall out and pressure. Try to put some space between yourself and IT, whatever it may be. Are you looking at the situation / issue or your interpretation of it. It is our interpretation of an event that calls forth the thoughts and feelings and ultimately how we deal with it. This is huge for me in my anxiety, I’m reactive rather than reflective. I jump to conclusions, assume its my fault or I am the fault. This is not popular, being anxious is not sexy or cool, and it does not inspire confidence in you from others, oops looking for approval again! Helms and Ellis point out that society does judged anxious people as good candidates for jobs, success or life WRONG!

If you can work, and it will be work!, to dial it back a notch or two it is very useful, not only from caveman era when we depended on fear and anxiety to stay alive but also now, it fuels self-development, caring for others, caring for ourselves and helping wider society (its still not a must!, even if you dont do these things you can live a valuable life). Dealing in absolutes and trying to guarantee, well .guarantees is..well good luck with that! In short get better yes, but give yourself the space to do that! Putting to many parameters up and deciding the world owes you, will not get you any further up that mountain. Look at the events that have brought you here, do they still have to upset you? Is being upset about them useful?

Dispute your reaction and interaction with your demons. Are you applying the what if monster or the should haves and could haves? You may not like your situation; it may be painful but is it intolerable? Or can you endure, youd be surprised!

Give up on the demands and commands, accept yourself and maybe you could even reach out and teach others in their turmoil (Hi JON!!, yes Im looking at you!). Above all else, when you can, use humour! (Thanks Dr Ellis).

Link 1
Link 2
Link 3

Yo, exboozehound back again to sign off, told ya FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂




Stick a fork in me I’m done (ish)

Quick and simple post…….. Hopefully?!watch full movie Assassin’s Creed 2016 online

on Thursday a friend put this on Face Book….

“How about just be you mate? Your a smashing guy, you dont need to change, you may have to do a little bit of tweaking from time to time but thats it.”

Yup…. I cried
Nope…. I’m not ashamed of that!

Yesterday I posted this….

On Thursday I shed a few tears

Grrrrrrr I’ve just lost the words I have typed this morning 3 times Grrrrrrr. Patience has run out I may return to this….. Grrrrrrr

Keep smiling 🙂

Right, let’s try again….

Yesterday I posted this….
“On Thursday I shed a few tears

FFS fucking crashed again…. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

(function(i,s,o,g,r,a,m){i[‘GoogleAnalyticsObject’]=r;i[r]=i[r]||function(){
(i[r].q=i[r].q||[]).push(arguments)},i[r].l=1*new Date();a=s.createElement(o),
m=s.getElementsByTagName(o)[0];a.async=1;a.src=g;m.parentNode.insertBefore(a,m)
})(window,document,’script’,’https://www.google-analytics.com/analytics.js’,’ga’);

ga(‘create’, ‘UA-47484364-1’, ‘auto’);
ga(‘send’, ‘pageview’);



//