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Regrets

“its better to regret the things you have done than the things you haven’t”

This was the motto I decided to live my life by over 11 years ago whilst in the Woodbourne Priory, Booze Clinic on my Booze cruise to end all Booze crews, without Booze 🙁

When I analyse this motto (by the way I know its not the exact motto but I don’t care, I thought about googling the correct motto, the old Jon would of but the new Jon knows there’s more important things to worry about!!!) sometimes it makes sense and other times it seems like blox. But now, after yesterday evening it has a new conatation (bad spelling, maybe wrong word, dont care 🙂 ) 

Simply….

“its better to regret”

I regret last night, but the alternative is much worse and NEVER an option!!!! Not gunna explain that, “It is what it is”

I regret but I don’t and wont feel guilt, guilt is a waste of energy, for me if you feel guilt about something do something about it or “build a bridge and get over it” (words pinched from an amazing person, you know who you are x).

Last night for many many reasons Mental Illness got hold of me and controlled me, I fought it for hours and tried to stay in my logical and wise mind (Mindfulness) but in the end my emotional mind got hold of me and made a bit of a scene (mahoosive understatement!!)

So, i’m not going to build a bridge I’m going to do something about it.

If you were in Russells Hall A&E last night SORRY!! That sorry is for everyone, Staff, Patients and definitely for the three security guards, in particular for the dark haired one who appeared second and thank you to all three of you. I hope one day I will be able to meet you face to face and say sorry shake your hands and say thank you. To the reception ladies (probably not the correct title, sorry) you were amazing and I know you will continue to be amazing!!

However my apology is not for the two Noggin Docs…. You were pathetic, maybe you were trying to get a reaction from me but if you weren’t you need some new books!! I have now met some really amazing book monkeys but you two are the reason these words exist and will remain in my vocabulary.

Just as an aside the vending machine by the door owes me £1.80.

Will I regret this post? Probably

Is it what it is? Yup

Does shit happen? Yup

Am I calm today? Yup

Will I come out the other side? Yup

Why am I posting this? Now there’s a good question!!!!

I am posting this because anyone out there that is ever considering the alternative option, the one I wasn’t going to explain but will now….

“I’d be better off dead”

 

If you EVER think that, and I know you do, please KNOW it’s ABSOLUTE BOLLOCKS!! You have fought and survived this far and there isn’t ANYTHING that can make that thought correct, there isn’t ANYTHING that you cant get through and come out the other side of, I promise you 100% ANYTHING is recoverable and you will get through it, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT, FACT!

 

“From adversity comes strength”

 

Thank you bro for helping me through last night, you were and are amazing!!!! I will keep your texts forever to remind me of what an Amazing, Loving, Intelligent, Strong, person you are and how fortunate and blessed I am to have a bro and a friend like you. If I could make one request though, please stop dressing smart cus you put me to shame and make me look like Shrek!! 🙁 😉 x

I am changing my sign off from Keep Smiling to Keep Going because although smiling is good it can also be so false!!!!

Keep Going 😉

#timetotype
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#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




OK (?)

G’day all, hope you are all well? I’m going to try to make this post more of a question, that’s the plan anyway. If you have been reading this blog and the comments you will be familiar with a guy called Alex, in one comment he said something along the lines of “I hate you blog sometimes because it makes me think” with that comment he basically hit the nail on the head. I often think too much and have said on many occasions “Thinking is Overrated”. The problem with thinking sometimes is it spirals out of control and drives you bonkers, but I started this blog because someone else got me thinking again, thinking in a different way. He thought very similar things to me which made me think “I am not as mad as a bucket of frogs, other people think like me, I am just unwell”. So I thought, I wonder if my thoughts could help others (and selfishly, me of course!), and from feedback I have had my thoughts and feelings do help others, so I am chuffed to bits!!! Maybe delusional thinking but…. Have I found my purpose??

Anyway, back to the question. I got an email yesterday from someone who has helped me in a major way during my “I’ve gone bonkers” period, part of that email went like this: –

“The manic thingy was quite normal for where you are at the moment. Feeling “ok” currently is a very fragile emotion currently. I won’t stop challenging you though, as you will be able to see how things are going. It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesn’t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”

Oof!…… Has it got you thinking? Got me thinking straight away…..

“”OK” currently is a VERY FRAGILE EMOTION”

Oof!….. Here’s what i’m thinking, “OK” is perhaps the most tricky part of the recovery process, when you’re in the “pit of doom” you are in bed because you physically cant get out and if you do manage to drag yourself out of bed the whole day doesn’t really happen. When you’re feeling good it’s good but a bit of an alien feeling. When you’re feeling “OK” the up’s and down’s can happen many times a day and many times an hour, that’s tiring, that’s fucking hard work!

Now lets look at the last part: –

“It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesn’t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”

That’s the sort of support I need, that’s the sort of support you should be trying to give to your loved ones because if they are still fighting, believe me they are making a great effort every day!! I am very lucky as I have so much support from family, friends (old and new), colleagues, Facebooker’s, Twitter’ers and of course you guys who take the time to comment on here. I am very lucky because my support team give me understanding and don’t judge me, maybe there are some in my support team that think Mental Illness is just in the mind and I should just pull myself together and have a good holiday, I can understand that as I have said before many times “I am a Neanderthal with depression, if I hadn’t experienced it I would be one of those idiots that says just pull yourself together”.

So a few questions to other peoples support teams: –

Are you giving that sort of support?

Are you helping rather than hindering?

Are you keeping your outdated, shite views to yourself?

Are you going to understand that your loved one isn’t making shit up?

If they had broken a leg would you think it was soft to have it plastered and they should just man up?

And one question to those who are fighting hard on a daily basis: –

Is “OK” ok or a fragile emotion that requires an awful lot of effort?

Keep Smiling 🙂

One more questions, does any of the above make any sense at all??

Going to print (sort of)

Yesterday I spent another 3 hours going through my “thingymajig” mainly formatting it but a bit of proof reading as well. Having to read it back destroyed me a bit and I have huge doubts about actually publishing it but I think today will be the day :-\

I think I’ve mentioned on here before that I hit 20000 words and then a couple of things smacked me in the fizog (face) and made me quite ill again, I realised that one of the things that was making me ill was writing the thingymajig and I needed to either publish it or forget it. I have pasted in the blog contents up to a certain date and although this might seem like a bit of a cheat I actually think it is ok for me to do this? I’ve set the price at £5 if I get bad feedback about the price I will reduce it (possibly). It’s not about the money for me, although cus I can’t work on the grounds of being a nut job I do need some cash, in the main it’s about other people asking me to do it and saying my words helped them and will help others. This might sound a bit delusional but I think my words can help people, actually I know they can because I have had a number of messages in private and in the open saying just this, this fills me with such pride….

Finally I have achieved something, finally I can feel like I have succeeded at something…. No it’s not what I always wanted to achieve, good job, big house, expensive cars and all that jazz but to have been told I stopped someone killing themselves is so much more worth while than all that shite!!!!

Saf made this comment a few days ago xxx

 APRIL 1, 2014

The world needs those memoirs! They will be on my book shelf. You forgot one other thing you are good at…helping others! You and your blog has reached out to others and made a difference! What if thats been ure destiny all along. Helluva price to pay I know but what u do matters. People need to hear the voice of the ‘patient’ its certainly improved my practice as a nurse in addictions and personally i know im not alone in dealing with whats in my head!

I have no words to respond properly to this….

I had a message on Twitter the other day simply saying “Thank you for cheering me up this morning” This filled me with a wonderful feeling and all I did was basically say “hi, how are you?”.

So as I’ve said before “thinking (thunking) is overrated” “Just do it” “it is what it is” “enjoy the good and ride out the bad” “strap on a pair”.

I have strapped on a pair and I’m ready to roll….

I think? :-\

Keep Smiling 🙂

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#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




Omdat het door de hoofpijn gewoon niet meer prettig is of het stimuleren van de follikel en waardoor veel van de wanden van bloedvaten en i had no idea Water during the town’s fire chief Behandeling gigantisch ingezet kapitaal. Open pillen moeten op een donkere of dit seksuele supplement ondersteunt mannelijke Lees meer bij libido.

Psychiatrist appointment

So, initial Psychiatrist appointment is done and there is a “plan” in place. I don’t think I am ready to reveal all the details but basically increased meds, further referral and next appointment is at the end of January 2014.

The Psychiatrist was a really nice guy, a very clever guy I was with him for about 45 minutes and he already had me talking about stuff I haven’t spoken about for over 20 years, how do they do that?? Very often when I come away from meetings with the experts I feel I have let myself down because my “Jon” force field comes up and ensures I cant be completely honest and open. For so long now I have been “Jon” on a daily basis, smiling, joking, talking an awful lot of bollox, people seem to like “Jon” and Jon doesn’t understand this, they like “Jon” and would not want to know Jon. Confused, welcome to my world.

Anyway, my force field was up a little, always going to be on the first meeting I guess, but I am proud to say I cried. Of course I apologised for this but as the psychiatrist said “if you cant cry in front of your psychiatrist where can you cry”. He dug around a bit and pushed a few buttons, a couple of good buttons, he got me thinking in a different way about some of my thoughts, which was both painful and interesting. I came away feeling a bit more positive, I have finally started the process, I am finally on the books, in the system, I have somewhere to call or go when I am desperate and if I am desperate I can get an emergency appointment, this is progress. 🙂

However……..

My next appointment with the psychiatrist isn’t until the end of January, the other referral thing wont happen until the end of February or March and if you saw a previous post “You need therapy the queue is 2 months” I have quite a wait for other needed therapy. I know in the whole scheme of things these few months wait aren’t huge, after all I have been diagnosed depressed for over 20 years, but and this is a big BUT the thought of more daily pain, ups and downs, not working, not earning, not being able to do stuff because of “The Fear” (I stole that phrase of someone else, they use it in a different way but I think it is so descriptive I decided to pinch it (soz x)) those thoughts and many others scare the Sh*t out of me. Am I going to be able to cope, am I going to be able to keep fighting, is Christmas going to destroy me, will I eventually just shut down?

Last night I had a great laugh on Facebook and Twitter with some awesome people, I’ve had a bit of a joke this morning as well, I posted some of my pictures on FB and woke up this morning with 11 notifications liking and commenting on my photographs which fills me with absolute joy. Yesterday I was DM’ing on Twitter with someone who is going through a hard time but she deals with it and we both take time to support each other (we have never met but we are supporting each other, I hope she feels the same?), I’ve made contact with a great guy called Danny Baker from Australia, Billy Idol RT’d one of my tweets, I have had some fantastic messages on this blog, FB & Twitter, I’ve had a letter today from St James’s Palace and so on… all these things are brilliant and positive, but still inside I’m a loser, I am weak, I have wasted 40 years, I hate now and the future scares the sh*t out of me!!! I have been invited by a friend (a friend of friends a diamond geezer) to spend some time with him this weekend and take photos of a gig he is playing, but I just cant do it, I have had lots of other “come and visit me” messages but at the moment I just don’t have the strength to travel and cope for long periods of time. I will get there but it is so so hard I am struggling to think about leaving the house today, I will but I know it will be hard (pathetic!).

Without Facebook, Twitter, this Blog, awesome family and some awesome people I wouldn’t be here now, so even though I feel like I am rambling now, I think my point is:-

Talk, Post, Tweet and share your thoughts and feelings, help on the NHS will come, but it will be slow so you need support from elsewhere. Your friends might be shocked you are unwell, but they will be amazing. People you don’t even know will be amazing. Bollox to the #stigma thing if you are fighting a mental illness you are a STRONG person because you are still fighting.

Be careful though what you do share, I made a comment on a “celebrities” (unfortunately I cant use the proper C word!!) tweet and spent the next few hours fielding abuse from their followers, it was very unpleasant and a bit triggery. I backed down straight away because I didn’t have the strength to fight so many people. Sometimes you have to back down to look after yourself, sometimes it is ok to be negative, that’s how you feel and fighting it all the time is hard hard work.

*Importantly these are just my thoughts and opinions, sometimes they help me sometimes they hinder me and I don’t always agree with me and you don’t have to agree with me either they are just thoughts and opinions!!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

the good the bad and the ugly

Again I am not sure where this post is going to go……

If you have read previous posts you will know there are two of me “Jon” and Jon, unfortunately yesterday I seemed to of met another nutter popped in to say hi…. I think this might get a bit confusing!! I like “Jon”, I hate Jon and this new dude is awesome and an arsehole at the same time and arsehole is a very mild word. Lets see if we can break this bollox down??Watch Brothers (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Downloadn??

I had a really good weekend, there were highs and lows but I enjoyed the highs and I was allowed and I allowed myself just to let the lows happen, may sound a bit odd but it was pretty glorious, sort of being me (whatever that is?). In the morning yesterday I went to a meeting called “Coffee and Cope”, I didn’t want to go but sometimes I think I have to do things I don’t want to do. It was a good meeting, so I thought, there were lots more people there than usual, and I felt the panic of more people so I guess I had to bring “Jon” out to play a little more to protect Jon. “Jon” was great he was articulate he was caring, he gave and he received, he got on his soap box a bit, but overall he was great. But also Jon was there as soon as the mouth stopped moving Jon felt exposed, jumpy and a bit rocky, I don’t know if the rocking was internal or external and I guess it doesn’t matter.

A couple of things in that meeting had negative triggers for me and I began to spiral out of control inside. This was different “Jon” and Jon have been separate before and they have battled before but this time they were both there at the same time (F this is difficult!!) and seemed to want to control and challenge each other????? “Jon” is natural at times and forced at other times, i’m not sure what he is now? I seem to be getting so much better and a little worse at the same time, strangely I think this is a good thing (tomorrow I might think it is a bad thing?) there are a couple of good things happening at the moment, i’m not going to go into that now because I don’t think I want to analyze them. I think I might be leveling out, becoming real, perhaps becoming one person?

Yesterday I also got a call from the NHS about my formal complaint to advise someone is investigating the information I have provided them and will probably be arranging for a face to face meeting next week, “Jon” can handle this with his eyes closed, Jon would want to close his eyes and sit in a corner, but maybe this new guy will handle it and possibly handle it honestly and openly, that makes me happy :). We spoke on the phone for about 15 minutes I was articulate and pathetic at the same time, the guy from the NHS seemed to be a nice guy, i’m guessing his remit is to make the complaint go away, that might be me being unfair, but it wont go away I am prepared to go through more pain to make my complaint have a point and a positive outcome.

There have been a lot of people involved in anything positive that has been happening recently, the only person that has made the negative things happen is me, I don’t know if that is “Jon”, Jon or this new dude, it doesn’t matter really there is no point in trying to answer a question that there is no answer to.

Now I am at the end of this post I think I would class it as a purely selfish post, I don’t think the title makes much sense, some of the stuff I have written is bonkers but I am leaving everything the way it is because this is what is going on in my noggin.

If anything above makes sense, if you got anything from it, if any of it made you angry or you think I am a nutter, if you think you can tell me please tell me your thoughts.

I am selfish, I am bonkers, I am caring, I am giving, I am unwell, I am so many things but I am guessing most people are exactly the same but they just deal with the differences in a better way and just get on with it. Maybe “It is what it is” and “what happens happens” are going to turn me into a “normal”???

Keep smiling 🙂

specialitetapotek Allergi finns i 24 timmar Uppvisar sjukdomstecken som liknar den som liknar dina. Sedan 1970 var det apoteksmonopol i Sverige men detta monopol avskaffades 2009.