Depression properly sucks…. Talk about stating the obvious!!!! What never ceases to amaze me is how I always seem to forget just how horrendous it can be and how difficult it is to bounce back properly. Depression sucks away your ability to enjoy anything of life, I’m sitting here watching the tennis finding myself jealous of all the smiling people fecking enjoying their lives. Watching people on Henman Hill jumping up and down waving there arms about with proper joy with huge real smiles on their faces…. Living their lives with joy and happiness.
Depression is sucking up all my energy at the moment and occupying my whole mind, I can’t get to sleep at night and then I can’t get out of bed in the morning, when I do get up I feel so very low and some days I just can’t be bothered to fight it. On Friday I received a letter from the DWP telling me they owed me a half decent chunk of cash which will enable me to clear a bit of my debt, if depression wasn’t controlling me at the moment I would of been jumping for joy as my benefits have been underpaid for over a year and now I can get my finances a little bit more in control. After reading this letter instead of jumping for joy I found myself sitting on the top step of the stairs crying. Then for a while I paced backwards and forwards asking myself if I was gunna be able to get anything from the nice sunny day outside.
People will keep telling you to keep taking little steps or concentrate on the positives or one day at a time and all of these things, although they can be a little bit annoying and soul destroying, are very true. So I decided to take some little steps, find some positives and do something about taking one day at a time. I had myself a shower and went out into the sun for a walk down into town, the only actual reason I needed to go down there was I needed some deodorant. So I purchased my deodorant and then went to the local Wetherspoons for a soft drink out the back sitting in the sun. I can usually guarantee there will be someone in there I know. So I had my soft drink and was sitting in the sun having a chat with someone, but I couldn’t settle my mind and left after one drink, there were other people in there that I just nodded to but couldn’t find the effort to have a chat with them. I walked back home feeling a bit more positive basically just cus I’d made a bit of a effort.
I know this post is very very dull, but it’s just real depression can lead to a very dull existence, and unfortunately the word “existence” is a poignant one cus at times it is an existence rather than a life.
I felt more positive on Friday evening but Saturday was a total disaster, on the phone with my Mom in tears and speaking with my Dad in tears, not even having the confidence to go down stairs and see my Brother. All I could do is go back to bed cus I didn’t have the strength to compete with the demons and the pain.
So far today has just been about trying to focus on the tennis, but in all honesty I’m almost looking through the TV, writing this I’m thinking I’m just wasting time cus there’s nothing helpful or uplifting for anyone. It’s dull, it’s depressing, it’s life.
However, I’ve been in much worse places than this before and I came back from those places, so I know I will break this cycle sooner or later, hopefully sooner….
“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”
Keep going 😉
Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk
Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)
When I was reading this, I was thinking of all those things which grow imperceptibly ie the change, although it is happening, is so slow that it doesn’t show up for ages. You would think that nothing is changing but in fact it is.
I am thinking that every time you push through those painfully hard times, you are actually growing a base, a foundation for your future wellness. Something is changing during those tough times, imperceptibly. Wellness is forming. Positive things are happening. Love you matey. xx
Hi Judy, I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. Unfortunately the changes and progression are sometimes so slow it actually takes effort to spot progress and our noggins prefer to hang on to the negatives, probably because they are more obvious. Although I’m never really sure what I learn I do believe I do learn or as you say “growing a base, a foundation for your future wellness”. It’s really important to notice any positives that you can and build in them. I’m struggling to sleep at night which makes getting up very difficult and this pattern has gone on for a while so my sleeping pattern is broken, I am trying to do better with starting the day and rather than concentrating on the negative of not getting up, I think about the positives that happen in the day, tomorrow will be what it will be and I’ll think about that tomorrow….
Love ya xx
Keep going 😉