“I feel stupid tho :(“

Someone dropped me a message on Facebook the other day and we they spoke about the fact that they had been feeling really down and were going to see the doctor. I said they should be completely honest with their doctor about how they feel and don’t hold anything back, there response was: –

I feel stupid tho 🙁

I think this is an important point, depression / mental illness is stupid, it makes no sense to me. With a physical illness I guess you can feel the pain or see something wrong with mental illness, in theory, you cant. I say in theory because I think people with mental illness can sometimes see it in others. I was watching #bedlam last week and there was a guy on there who was being allowed to leave the triage unit to go home, I tweeted: –

I think you could see it in Dominic’s eyes he wasn’t right to be discharged #bedlam

He was back in very quickly and when later discharged again attempted suicide.

Anyway that’s not the point of this post, “I feel stupid tho :(” is. It is very difficult to explain what you feel and what you think when you are depressed, you hear yourself saying the words and think “what the hell am I on about??”.

Sometimes I agree with myself and sometimes I don’t, sometimes I think I am unwell other times I wonder am I just lazy and thick, sometimes I wish I was dead sometimes I think I have something to live for, sometimes I want to go out and do stuff but when I am out I feel everyone is looking at me thinking “look at that nutter”, sometimes I talk to random people in the street,  I did this today in a car park I was wearing sunglasses and sporting a ridiculous “chopper” style mustache, i’m pretty sure they thought I was a nutter!, sometimes I despair at people saying “snap out of it” sometimes I say this to myself along with “pull yourself together” but as hard as I try I can’t, sometimes I think I hear voices sometimes I know it’s just my thoughts, sometimes I think people hate me sometimes I think people love me, sometimes I can concentrate sometimes I can’t, sometimes I feel normal sometimes I don’t, sometimes I think lets kick off and get arrested fortunately I realise that isn’t a good idea!, sometimes I think i’m going to London to chain myself to Downing Street gates again fortunately I realise at this point I am a nutter, and so on……..

In October the New Scientist magazine had on it’s front page “The more we probe the brain, the less we understand it”, I read a book called “Depressive Illness The Curse of the Strong by Dr Tim Cantopher” he wrote something along the lines of “we don’t understand it anywhere as near as much as we should, in fact the more we learn the more we realise we don’t know”. I think these two separate sentences are very interesting, but then i’m mad so who cares what I think.

I understand why people with mental illness have been labelled mad, I don’t mind the word mad it is very descriptive, sometimes the only way I can describe what is going on in my head is “it feels like i’m going mad”. People who haven’t experienced depression don’t understand it they think it’s mad, made up, in our minds, they are not alone. I was diagnosed with depression over 20 years ago, I have experienced it and I still think it’s mad, I don’t understand it sometimes it makes me cry sometimes it makes me laugh sometimes I think i’m bonkers sometimes I think i’m chosen sometimes I think i’m ill and sometimes i just cant think at all.

I am talking about it all but still “I feel stupid tho :(“.

We have to do away with the #stigma about mental illness, chances are you will feel stupid talking about your feelings and whats going on in your head and body but you wont be alone, I talk about “the buzzing in my head” and the other day I got a message saying someone else has used this exact phrase. The more we talk the more we can fight together rather than suffering alone.

Keep Smiling 🙂