I have realised today I’m not as stable as I thought, if i’m honest I have been slowly realising this over the last few days. I went to a meeting this week, the presentation given was titled “Adult Social Care Budget Engagement – What’s Important to You?” it may not sound very interesting but it was. There weren’t many people there and as usual I think I had the most to say, most of it negative or as we say in sales “constructive criticism” . However I have been in touch with one of the guys who gave the presentation and they appear to be interested in my feedback, even though I said things like “Your websites are pathetic” and “The government don’t want to fix the NHS it’s not in their interest it’s too expensive and they want to get rid”. After this meeting I was not well and in the meeting I could feel my twitching and buzzing head coming on, hard work but hopefully worth it. I didn’t start realising anything at this point.
On Friday I met with a friend for a McDonald’s (other eating establishments are available, but just in case I can get some free stuff… Excellent food, excellent service, would recommend) we sat and talked about various stuff and I started to notice I was talking at 100 mph and feeling a bit manic. I started to get a bit stressed and thinking people where watching me thinking “Nutter”. Strangely I can’t remember Saturday…… Hey ho “it is what is is”.
Today has been a strange one and as at about 23:00 I had decided I need to put myself in hospital, I just want to be dosed up and out of it for a while to get some peace. However i’m pretty sure they wont hospitalise me unless i’m a danger to myself or others…. The problem is I’m not a danger to others (never have been never will be) and even through all the pain of the last couple of days i’m still not a danger to myself. I could lie and say I am, but I don’t lie anymore it is now my policy that if I can’t be honest I don’t say anything. I need to say at this point if you are reading this and you think this is your fault, IT ISN’T!! “it is what it is” remember “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” and “Guilt is a waste of energy”…. If I didn’t want to help I wouldn’t have I would of just left you to it, if anything you have helped me realise I need to reevaluate and re-plan…. So I helped you and you helped me… End of!!Â
I have written two poems in the last couple of days, one of them is pretty private and very important to me and the other one I posted on Face Book earlier, there are a lot of *’s!!!! You need to know an old song called “Santa Claus You C**T” to know the rhythm (?) of the words, they fit to this tune (just about): –
A poem by exboozehound entitled “Hey Depression You C**T”
Hey Depression you c**t
Were still in a fucking fight
You tried to take my life from me but you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
Yes you had a proper go and you’re still fu**ing with my mind
But you aint got a fu**ing chance cus you’re a fu**ing pussy shite
You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight
Have you got the message yet
You’re a fu**ing pussy shite!!
Ok….. it’s not Shakespeare, and I couldn’t make the last bit fit as it should, but I think it has certain qualities (??). I thought I felt alright this morning, I was speaking with someone on Face Book they asked “are you struggling today?” and I replied “not really, bit weird but im on top form for a loon bag 🙂 x”. I don’t think they believed me, I believed me. Reading it back I no longer believe me because very soon after that I began to mis-behave….. I thought my poem (if that’s an accurate word?) was positive, I’m now unsure…. I’m not going to worry about that cus as we all know by now “it is what it is”.
At about 20:30 tonight I posted another fairly telling thing on Face Book and I pasted a link to this post into comments on the Face Book pages of Jeremy Hunt, Norman Lamb, David Cameron and Ed Miliband, yup I kid you not :-/, I also emailed the link to two of Norman Lamb’s people, yes two :-/. But you know what I don’t regret it, maybe I will at some point but at the moment I stand by my post 100%: –
@Jeremy_Hunt A monkey cld do yr job better & u @normanlamb one of yr people once replied to me on FB & then nothing. #mentalhealth #nhs
It didn’t end there, there were also a number of other tweets, below are a couple of the better ones: –
@Jeremy_Hunt @normanlamb @APMiller1949 They need to strap on a pair and admit they can’t and don’t want to fix the NHS
And…..
@Jeremy_Hunt @normanlamb @APMiller1949 it’s not about mental health to them tho it’s about numbers, bullshit and votes
I think we can probably agree i’m not as stable as I thought. I have been a bit of a mad man over the last couple of days. I’m not ashamed and I wont feel guilty because they are pointless wastes of energy, yes I’m not happy if I have upset or worried anyone but they know I don’t mean any harm. A few weeks ago I was a danger to myself, now i’m not and I can prove it, I will tell you a little secret…. Today I went to Asda and I parked on the top floor, when I got out of the car I smiled and said “fuck you” (I was speaking to the car park, Oof! probably shouldn’t admit that!). I did a little bit of shopping then got in the lift to go back to the top floor, as I got out of the lift I put on my Ray-Ban’s (any free stuff would be most welcome, there really isn’t any other sunglasses worth wearing!) lit a cigarette and walked around the whole perimeter of the top floor, smiling like a loon. I used to poo my pants up there it really worried me, but now I was laughing at the place it no longer holds any fear for me…… :).
So, we know I could be a little more stable but we also know I have come a long way…. is my poem positive or negative? Who knows but one bit that I know is positive is: –
You’ve took my house, my job, my cash but you are gunna find
I’m stronger than you you c**t
And i’m gunna be just fine
Yes you you c**t you’ve lost the fight
Please continue with me on my journey, I am proof that it does get better, you can cope, you will continue to cope, you are strong enough, you are worth it, people love you, people want you to get better, people want you to be happy, you will find happiness (perhaps not all the time, but keep a note of the “gem” moments they will mount up), yes you will have wobbles and bad times but all you have to do is keep adapting, be honest with yourself and the people around you, it’s pretty simple really just…….
“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”
Now, what was I gunna do next, oh yes bring down the government…..
Keep Smiling 🙂Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)
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5 thoughts on “Stable? Are you F**K!”
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As always Jon. I admire your honesty. Now I’ll be honest and say that after reading your poem I will say “don’t give up the day job” LOL !!! 🙂 but then again I wouldn’t know a good poem even if I saw one. I do know you have turned the air blue 🙂
I was back at Uni today and I had a crap nights sleep last night, I’m bloody tired so I might try and read some of your recent postings tomorrow with fresher eyes!
“It’s not you Jon, it’s me!” ha-ha 🙂
Oh I’m over-tired now. Hmmm how to sum up my findings of this post of yours, I’ll try now but don’t judge me or shoot the messenger, I’m just a man at a keyboard, drinking copious amounts of diet lemonade as I’ve banned myself from booze & diet coke / pepsi max.
Ah yeh, the suming up. Most of which is probably completely unrelated to your post!
1. A very dear friend of my mine, when he speaks to me at times when I am not feeling 100% mentally, or am having a wobble with something and feeling anxious will say “AJ (that’s what he calls me). Remember, things are never as GOOD as you think they are, and things are never as BAD as you think they are, it’s somewhere in the middle”. He’s a friend I am lucky to have. The friend who always seems to say the right thing at the same time.
2. I guess, partly what I am trying to convey is there is nothing crazy or mad about your post for me and some of the thoughts you are having as far as I am concerned. You are just owning them and publishing them.
3. Love your philosophy about “if you can’t speak the truth, then don’t say anything” or words to that effect. I know it’s not always practical but I like where you seem to be going with that….
4. You are entitled to your opinion on the NHS. I was going to try and be positive about the NHS but it’s your blog, your experiences and you “gotta do what you gotta do”. I respect that.
They say “honesty is the best policy” and although it is now my policy I am not sure it is the best, but “it is what it is”. You are right Poetry really isn’t my bag, I think from this post currently my bag is turmoil and anger but I believe I have had another light bulb moment :). Keep up the good work staying off the booze. Your friend seems very wise, have you pointed him to the blog yet? I guess I am owning and publishing these thoughts and I am pretty sure they are similar to other peoples thoughts. Truth is currently very important to me, unfortunately I had been lying to myself and have got to reevaluate, but that’s a good thing. I am certain there are positive things about the NHS and I know some of those positive things are the people who work for the NHS, perhaps you would consider putting together a guest post for my blog talking about the positives in the NHS? Believe me “I will be doing what I need to be doing”…. Keep Smiling 🙂 Peace Out
I have read your blog and really like the content, keep up the posts as I will be back.
Thank you Clive, unfortunately I suspect your message is spam, so I have taken out your email address and incorrect website address…. If you are genuine please message me without dodgy websites. If you are genuine… Keep smiling 🙂