Tag: depression

Happy New Year

My current mood is low and apprehensive…. Cheery start eh?

On the 29th December I started to write a post entitled “Chrimbo Limbo”, I’d heard these words whilst watching Coronation Street Liz McDonald said it to Amy. I was sitting watching Coronation Street “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity” and these 2 words had just summed up perfectly what I had been experiencing and was likely to experience until today 1st January 2016. Chrimbo Limbo had made me break my rule of always “being in the day” and in breaking this rule I’d allowed the noggin demons to become too powerful and get control. I wasn’t able to complete the post I had started writing cus the demons had control of me and if I’m honest they still do today, hence the first line of this post being “My current mood is low and apprehensive”.

Chrimbo Limbo appears to have turned my brain into mush and part of the reason for this is cus I’ve “felt sorry for myself and wallowed in self pity” I’ve been thinking far too much…. “Thunking really isn’t my bag” “Thunking is very overrated” here’s a couple of things that I’ve been worrying about….

exboozehound built some momentum in the last few months of 2015, momentum that I’m very proud of. Part of that momentum led me to put in my first bid for some funding for a new project. After my last meeting about this I’m pretty sure I would of got some investment, but I’ve allowed it to cause me too much pressure. I’ve already got 14 meetings including “exboozehounds group for men” on Thursdays booked in for January, to any “normals” out there 14 meetings in a month will seem like nothing but to my mind all these meetings are plans for the near future, stuff I HAVE to do, this I find hard cus it’s not living in the day and I can never be sure how my days and weeks are gunna pan out, if I have some low episodes these are 14 opportunities for me to let people down, I hate letting people down if a low episode causes me to let someone down there’s a chance that the low episode can get deeper and deeper…. I’ve decided during the Chrimbo limbo period that I’m not going to continue with my funding request at this point cus it’s not the right time and has the potential to cause me unnecessary stress, my demons tell me I’m doing this cus I’m pathetic, the demons are wrong I’m doing this to look after my health….

A number of the 14 meetings are to organise another Peer Support Meeting, the first one on the 27th November went so well those of us who organised it committed to ensuring the second meeting would happen in January to keep the momentum building. We have set the date for this meeting as the 29th January which gives us plenty of time to organise and promote. Here’s the ridiculous thing that is playing on my mind, the Peer Support meeting is scheduled for 11am to 3pm and I’m booked in for another 3 hours of tattoo from 5pm to 8pm, I’m worried that a day that long will take too much out of me and possibly cause a low episode. I loved how positive the meeting was on the 27th and was very proud of the part I played in it. I also love how my tattoo is coming along and oddly love being in the chair being tattooed. So these two things are both massively positive things for me, but because I’m “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity” these two positive things have allowed my demons to turn them to negatives…. Bloody ridiculous!!!!

So to sum up, some really positive things that can start 2016 off really positively and cus I’ve been “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity” I’ve allowed my demons to own and consume me, this is not the way I plan to continue!!!! But now I’ve got some hard work to do to get out of a low mood that fundamentally I’ve caused myself…. We have all done this before and we have all survived every time we’ve been there as I say a lot “there ain’t nothing we can’t handle…. Eventually!!!!” And of course “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”….

If you’ve been paying attention, and fair play to you if you have cus I’ve been rambling on a bit as usual you will of noticed I’ve tried to bring attention to the words “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity” by putting them in “…” There is a reason for this and the reason is I want to look at these words and attack them, this is what I was trying to do when I started the “Chrimbo limbo” post, I think it’s important to look at this in order to allow us to have any chance of moving forward, taking ownership of our illness and very importantly taking ownership of our own recovery!!!!

Yesterday I woke up late and then spent most of the day “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity” I didn’t leave the house….

Today I woke up late, was angry I woke up late and started to get myself ready for another day of “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity”…. Today is different to yesterday cus I’ve left the house and am currently sitting in Druckers in Halesowen writing this…. My day today is already much better than yesterday by simply leaving the house and an added bonus is I’ve just bumped into one of my mates wives had a little chat and a smile…. 🙂

So we know I’m guilty of “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity”. Depression is an illness, other forms of mental illness are illnesses (I guess the clues in the title….) although we all hate it when people say “pull yourself together” “man up” “it’s all in your head” I hate to admit it sometimes there is a place for these sort of phrases, perhaps not the ones above there a little harsh but something along the same lines, I hope that hasn’t angered people too much, I’m gunna try and explain why I’m saying such a stupid and seemingly uncaring words….

At about 11:30 Boxing Day morning, I was still in bed and feeling like I was gunna be there for a while, I got a call from my nephew who asked if I wanted to come down to have bubble and squeak with them. My initial thought was “no, I just want to stay in bed” but I ignored that cus that was the demons trying to keep me miserable, I went down to my Brothers and spent an hour or so with my brother and his family. I was greeted by Ted the dog, I went into the compulsory plum protection!! Being greeted by Ted makes me smile (unless I forget to protect the plums), the kids make me smile, being in that happy family environment makes me smile, so if I’d listened to the demons and stayed in bed chances are I’d of had another miserable day. Sometimes I don’t go places cus the demons tell me people don’t want me around, but if that was the case why would my nephew have phoned me? The answer to that by the way is he wouldn’t of called…. FACT!!!!

Another day in “Chrimbo limbo” it was planned to go out and have lunch somewhere with my Dad and Brothers family I’m gutted to say I didn’t go, I did have a headache when I woke up and unfortunately had really struggled to get to sleep the night before, but this isn’t anything new it’s part of the game we play. The added issue with this plan was I would be somewhere with no control over how long I would be there and that causes me anxiety and allows my demons to be more powerful and much more persuasive or in other words I begin to wallow in self pity and allow the demons to control me, this is not good!!!! Once we start to allow, YET AGAIN, the demons to win the battle we allow for the possibility that the demons will get stronger and we will begin to listen to all the lies they tell us and the longer we allow the demons to get stronger the bigger chance we allow ourselves to spiral out of control of the good place in our noggins. Once we’re out of the good place in our noggins we’ve then got another fight on our hands to get back to that more stable place, the longer we don’t fight the harder getting back to the more stable place will be. And on and on and on and on, for me this is one of the very many reasons we have to remember to stay in the day and only deal with what we HAVE to at any given point….

I’m hoping from the last paragraph you can see this is me admitting very openly that I am guilty of “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity” and just as a further admittance I am probably guilty of this far to often!!!!

I’m not proud of this next bit….

Many of you are guilty of “feeling sorry for yourself and wallowing in your own self pity”…. I agree, me saying that is completely and utterly out of order….

BUT, am I wrong?

Erm….

No I’m not!!!!

Have a quick think, even if I’ve offended you by saying the unsayable…. Am I wrong?

Ok, now you’re being completely honest with yourself, we have something to work with….

Now you’re being completely honest with yourself, you have a place to begin from, you have the foundations of your next battle….

Now you’re being completely honest with yourself, you have even more strength to win that next battle in a shorter time….

Now you’re being completely honest with yourself, you have the strong chance that you will have less battles to fight in….

I think it’s pretty clear I don’t think I’m wrong…. In many conversations I’ve had with many people stuff often comes up from years ago and it’s repeated many times, believe me I know it’s not easy to work these things out of your life partly because they’ve been in your life for so long and if your anything like me they’ve come in handy on many occasions to punish yourself with but its not healthy and you need to give yourself a break. If you can, put some effort into locking these things away or if not that it might be more productive to work these things through properly but if you ever want to move forward you have to do something!!!!

I’m not gunna break any confidences by telling you what people I speak to can’t let go of and in not letting go cause themselves unnecessary anxiety and stress. In a lot of these examples not letting go or fixating on certain issues not only stops us from progressing, they build a wall that we can never get over….

What I am gunna do is list my stuff, that echoes some of what people have said to me, I’ve worked hard to leave behind or still allow to cause me pain….

I’m a drain on society cus I’m on benefits

I was once beaten unconscious outside a boozer

I used to have a home

I used to have a good job

I used to have a relationship

I used to have holidays

I used to be a functioning member of society

I’ll never have another meaningful relationship

I’m 42, too old to ever have kids now

I’m lonely

I’ll never have a “normal” life

I’ve been fighting against mental illness all my life

Mental illness will always control my life

I’m envious of the lives people around me have

This list could go on forever, but what would be the point of going on and on and on? There are probably many things I could of done differently in my life prior to having the mental breakdown in 2013 but whatever they are I didn’t do them and I can’t change that now, all I can do is accept where I am today, accept that my mental illness is what it is, simply an illness and make the most of it. Spending all this time “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity” is not going to help me take ownership of my illness and more importantly take ownership of my recovery, recovery doesn’t mean one day I’ll be fixed, it’s all about working hard to move forward to a point where I can manage my mental illness better.

Of course I know a lot of what I’ve said about “feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity” is far to simple…. Bad or low episodes are real and sometimes there literally isn’t a single thing you can do to get out of them, sometimes we just have to rest and mindfully work on trying to move forward, but I for one am determined to be mindful of spotting the difference and doing what I can to get to a better place as quickly as I can…. How about you?

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)



Continual Acceptance

I was gunna title this post “The Cruelty Of Mental Illness” but that seemed a little “let’s have a wallow in self pity” and that isn’t the place that I am or should be in at the moment. I should actually be doing a positive post about an award and recognition I received last week, I should be talking about some amazing new contacts of influential people I made at the “Dudley Volunteer Awards 2015” and the possibility of meetings I’ve got coming up and the potential that could come from those people and meetings, but after the high of the awards last Thursday I’ve gone for another little nose dive into depression. I was gunna talk about the cruelty of mental illness but I’d rather talk about the inconsistency and nonsensical reactions we can have to things. For me the meds we take are to keep us on a level, which is both a good and bad thing. It’s bad cus you often here people talk about themselves being zombiefied, unable to feel emotions. It’s a good thing cus the problem with being able to feel emotions you feel the highs and quite often after the high you feel worse because when coming down from that high you go back to that level that’s best to be on and the higher you go the bigger the drop back to the level which although it happens quite often it always seems to catch you by surprise.

The reason I changed the title and hopefully the message of the post is I want to be positive or perhaps more truthfully I want to be realistic….

I believe in order to move forward from whatever form of mental health issue you are dealing with there first of all has to be an acceptance of the issue, whatever that issue is and if you fully understand it or not. My guess is the majority of us don’t now and maybe never will fully understand our issues, we have spent many years getting to this point of our lives and to unpick the issues of life to a point where we know exactly why we are the way we are is very unlikely, so at some point we have to accept we are never going to be able to answer all the questions we pose to ourselves, we have to accept there probably isn’t one reason or indeed any actual answers to the many questions we ask ourselves or are asked in our recovery process by the experts who are trying to fix us. I’ve had conversations with people who believe they have recovered from there mental health issue, I would never question them specifically about it cus it’s there recovery, it’s there life and if they believe that then it’s absolutely fantastic news for them. Unfortunately I don’t believe I will ever be cured of my mental health issues, I believe I will always have a level of instability, I don’t see this as a negative way of thinking about it, I see it as a realistic thought pattern for the way my world is now and has been for many years. I know over the many years I have struggled with depression and then clinical depression and mental illness following my mental breakdown (or major episode) in 2013 has left me with an instability that will always be there in one form or another in my life, what I have to do is change my many incorrect learned reactions to different situations and events that will face me in the future. Having said that if I ever believe I am cured I will shout it from the rooftops….

It’s not enough to accept once you have a mental illness, the initial acceptance is a very important one but we have to continually accept each and every episode. We have to accept the highs, we have to accept the lows, we have to accept the intrusive thoughts, we have to accept the bonkers thoughts, we have to accept the paranoid thoughts, we have to accept the lack of emotion, we have to accept the abundance of incorrect and mis interpreted emotions, we have to accept the lack of energy, we have to accept the agitation, we have to accept each and every unexplainable mood change that comes our way.

Accepting all these things is not giving in, it’s not being negative, it is about being realistic. An awful lot of what goes on in our minds and in our lives make us uncomfortable and uneasy but in order to move forward from these issues we must accept them in order to find a way through and past them.

I say all the time I have no problem in accepting I have a mental illness or have mental health issues but I don’t think I actually have fully accepted. Part of me is still the man who believes men should be strong and be able to cope with everything life throws at us, I think this is hard wired into us. I believe this is why there’s an awful lot in the media about why men find mental illness harder to cope with, why men find it harder to ask for and accept help and why the figures for suicide in men is so high, we believe admitting we need help is admitting we are weak. We are not weak, accepting we have issues, accepting we need help, accepting we must ask for help, accepting that help shows we are strong and believe me when I tell you you will need that strength to keep fighting towards your recovery, you will need that strength to continually accept, sometimes on a daily basis that you have to find the strength to realise you will be able to cope with everything life and life with mental illness throws at you, maybe not immediately but if you keep accepting and keep approaching things from every conceivable direction eventually you will cope with it all.

“There ain’t nothing we can’t cope with…. Eventually!!!!”

(Please understand me going on about it being harder for men is by no means me saying its easy for women, anyone battling mental health issues is not having an easy time)

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Momentum

I’ve just checked the date of when I published the “About Me” page on my blog, unfortunately cus I have the memory capacity of a daft gold fish I’ve already forgotten the exact date but I do remember it was October 2013 and this is what I wrote: –

ABOUT ME
Hi, my name is Jon I am “exboozehound” you can probably work out I have had one or two issues with booze over the years. Fortunately my last drink was on the 17th February 2003, the day before I started a 4 week stay at the Woodbourne Priory Hospital.

I have suffered with depression since my teens, I am now 40 and unfortunately Clinical Depression has got the better of me and is currently winning the war.

So, to sum up I am a 40 year old Mentally Ill Alcoholic who is winning against booze but losing against depression.

I have started this blog to share my experiences, good and bad. I am going to be completely honest and I guarantee I will contradict myself from time to time.

I have had a horrendous time over the last few months and if this blog can help even just one person in a very small way it will be worth it.

Very simple and simply honest, if you’ve read any of my other stuff you will of spotted contradictions, but I have always stayed honest and my writing style can never be classed as professional, although over the months and years I have cut down quite a lot on the swearing. (maybe)

I spoke very briefley to a guy on Twitter the other day and asked him if he’d read my blog and he replied “Yes mate your blogs make me feel part of something,” To get that as a reply shows me that starting the blog was the right thing to do, simply put that’s exactly what it’s about, being part of something. Depression and mental illness make you feel very alone but with social media we are NEVER alone. I speak with people on Twitter that keep there identities anonymous, that’s not my way, that was a decision I took way back when I started the blog. To begin with I was just Jon aka exboozehound, then by mistake I put my surname in a post and thought I shouldn’t of done that and then I thought “aaaahhhh bollox, who cares” so just to show I have absolute no shame, Hi I’m Jon Mansell, I’m a mentalist and a retired alcoholic….

I distinctly remember thinking about starting the blog whilst I was mowing my Dad’s lawn, unfortunately around that time I was a little bit on the manic side and what started as a simple blog spiraled completely out of control and went a long long way into ridiculous delusional thinking…. Not quite “I’m gunna rule the world, ha ha ha ha ha ha” but trust me it wasn’t far off. To be honest mania and delusional thinking can sometiimes be a fun place to be but my mental health worker spotted my mania and delusion was getting a bit dangerous and slightly reduced my meds which brought me back down to earth a bit…. 🙁

Anyway, I think it’s fair to say the blog has come along way since October 2014.

I think it’s also fair to say quite a number of you will be thinking “blah, blah, blag, get to the f’in point!!!!”

So, the title of this post “Momentum” this is me trying to be a little bit clever so it’s bound to go wrong…..

But, I’m always willing to make a tool of myself, it’s one of my few talents….

Momentum

“exboozehound” isn’t just me, it’s all about you lot, those that have offered me support and those that have asked for my support, those of you that have shared, liked or commented on a post on Face Book or Favorited, Re-tweeted or commented on Twitter.

Having got an email a few months ago from a guy called Tom Bowen from Big Centre TV via Chris Barron at Health Watch Dudley, Tom came over to see me and interviewed me about the blog and the one or two issues I’ve had in my life.

Tom Bowens Interview for the news on YouTube

Then a couple of weeks ago I got another call from Tom who told me he was doing a documentary series called “Dee Asks” with Dee Kelly (offa Benefits Street and Celebrity Big Brother, etc). We met at The Hope Centre in Halesowen and spent a couple of hours together. I had to admit to her I’d never really watched Benefits Street or Celebrity Big brother cus programmes like that just make me angry…. I think that was a good thing cus I had no pre-perceived perceptions about her…. She was a total legend, genuinely interested in talking to me about depression, Mental Illness and Alcoholism, Dee is doing different documentaries on various subjects and on Friday she gave us a little introduction to what she is doing speaking with Bob Hall.

Snippet of Bob and Dee introducing me. (The recording is a bit rough cus I video’d it on my phone off my iPad just to get my little clip)

And then on Saturday I got a text of Dee’s manager asking me if I would be up for going into the studio in Walsall to be interviewed by Monica Price for Cuppa TV. This hasn’t aired yet but you can be sure that as soon as I can I will be posting links everywhere….

Ok, so we are still talking about momentum, momentum is building more and more people are becoming aware of “exboozehound” and actually want to talk to me.

On Thursday this week I will be going to a meeting held by Dudley Borough Clinical Commissioning Group Public Health Forum Meeting…. The last one I went to I started a discussion/argument with the GP giving the opening slide show and I can guarantee I wont be sitting quietly at this one just nodding my head.

Today I have spoken with a Dudley & Walsall Mental Health Trust Manager who wanted to confirm I was to be attending a meeting on Friday entitled “Working Together For Recovery Group” and again I can absolutely guarantee I won’t be sitting their nodding my head….

I have done some work with Health Watch Dudley, Dudley Making it Real Campaign, and was partly involved is setting up The Peoples Network which started with about 10 of us and the last time I actually got to a meeting there was more than 50 people there.

I have interested contacts withing the Dudley and Walsall Borough Council, I have been to various meetings with a company called Governance International and I’ve had a number of meetings and conversations with James Morris our local Conservative MP who is the Chairman of the All Party Parliamentary Group on Mental Health who are working for mental health to be given the same level of priority as physical health.

So, although my Noggin Demons continue to tell me I’m a failure at life and a waste of a human being things ain’t going too badly and I have to work at keeping the Momentum moving forward and take all the opportunities I can to get out there and show that a drain on the benefits system like me is actually determined to make a difference for me and others whether they are in this country or all over the world….

Oh and I’ve also been nominated to be recognised at the 2015 Dudley Volunteer Awards, because 2 months ago a started “exboozehound’s Group For Men” which happens once a week on Thursday at 13:00 at The Hope Centre Halesowen.

I’m now sitting here thinking “can I actually publish this, I’m coming across as a right Tosser banging on about all that’s happening” but I have to publish it because it’s not just about me, it’s about all those people that send me kind words about me and what I am trying to do…. This morning the first thing I read was a DM on Face Book that said “Hey, I hope you are well. Just wanted to say how inspiring you are!!! Always a calming influence and always make sense”. I am very fortunate to of received a good number of messages using the word inspiring or inspirational and a lot of the time I laugh it off and then get told off for not taking a compliment. Reluctantly I have started to take those words for what they are, they still sit uncomfortably but if people actually take time out of their day to say stuff like that I should accept them and ensure they continue to inspire me to carry on….

So, lets look at another kind of momentum….

Momentum

This is about the momentum we need to look for to keep the momentum of our recovery moving forward, sometimes it’s very difficult, sometimes it’s almost impossible. Today I have sat here and wrote all that stuff above, proud that I started the blog to help me and others and it seems along the way I have helped others through tough times.

You may think that Jon is currently doing really well and today and yesterday I am. However on Friday I was low and sat in the lounge thinking “I can’t win this war against my demons, eventually they will destroy me completely, every time I think I’ve turned a corner another wave of misery and pain comes along to fuck me up”. Sunday I was only out of bed for 3 hours, thoughts like that and not being able to get out of bed is no way to live a life it’s just an existence….

With thoughts like that I have to keep going back to “enjoy the good and ride out the bad” every time I get low I have to remember I have bounced back before and I will bounce back again. You have to remember that every episode of misery you have you will bounce back eventually and in keeping on bouncing back you are keeping the momentum of your recovery going forward. You may of had a bad day today, but that doesn’t mean tomorrow will be a bad day as well, and if it is another bad day it’s just another 24 hours you have to get through to see if the day after that gets a bit better and if it does get a bit better, enjoy it, you never know the next day might find you feeling a bit better also. If you’re having a shite day just work your way through it however you can and if all you can do is lie in bed, or mope about feeling sorry for yourself, or spend the day bursting into tears then so be it….

Rightly or wrongly I am of the opinion my Noggin Demons will never give up trying to destroy me, basically I’m a long term mentalist, I was born a mentalist and I will die a mentalist but with a bit of luck and a lot of hard work I may be a happy/relaxed mentalist who knows I have a purpose in life and hopefully I will have many things to be proud of and you guys will hopefully be the same.

Keep working hard on keeping the momentum of your recovery moving forward and when the backwards steps come along, cus lets face it they more than likely will, remember your demons didn’t completely destroy you last time and they wont do it this time, yes they are clever little evil fuckers, but you will always be that little bit stronger and you will learn ways to play there game and beat them at it….

Right, I think I’ve finished…. I/we have to work together to keep the momentum of exboozehound moving forward and I/we have to work tirelessly to keep the momentum of our recovery moving forward.

Whatever the little demon fuckers throw at you, you’ve beaten them before and you will continue to beat them every time they have a go….

 

There ain’t nothing you can’t handle…. EVENTUALLY!!!!

 

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Read my motto again and again and again until it grabs you by the bits and you fully understand it and what it means to YOU!!!

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Thinking is overrated

I’m always trying to think of new ways to help people understand Mental Illness a little bit better, since I started this blog it was my intention to be as open and honest as possible even if those words made me seem bonkers. From the feedback and messages I have received since the blog started I am proud to believe I have helped people understand more, both “Mentalists” and “Normals” when the words I use match with the words they use and the thoughts they have. Also through the men’s group I run at The Hope Centre Halesowen and people I have helped in the street struggling with mental illness or drunk and vulnerable I know me being completely willing to start a conversation with “Hi, I’m Jon, I’m mentally ill and an alcoholic (retired)”  helps to ease people, I have no shame whatsoever in the illnesses I have and have to deal with and I really couldn’t care less about the stigma associated with being mentally ill…. It is what it is…. I’m mentally ill and if you have a problem with that, that’s your problem….

A couple of weeks ago I came to a realisation, whilst I sit on any given day dissatisfied, upset, tortured by my belief that I have always failed at life and the fact that I don’t work, I don’t have my own place, I drive a crappy old car, I’m not married, I have no kids, I have no money, I have no prospects, all these things confirm I have always and will probably always fail at life. The things I list that confirm I’m a failure at life are all things associated with “Normal” life and lets be honest I ain’t “Normal” and what is “Normal” anyway? When I did work, when I had my own place, when I had a long term girlfriend, when I had a decent car, when I earnt decent money, when I got promotions, when I earnt huge amounts of commission for sales, when I was seen as a very good people person, when I was an account manager growing most of my accounts, when I had all of the things that in “Normal” life tell you you have a level of success, it was never and would of never been good enough for me, I would always be able to find negatives in anything I was doing even if people were patting me on the back and saying how happy they were with what I was doing, I still had no real feeling of success.

The realistaion was basically no matter what I had done or what I will do in trying to succeed at life it was never gunna be good enough for me and the reason it was never gunna be good enough for me was because I am mentally ill…. I still have no actual diagnosis on what my mental issues are, a number of things have been mentioned, Clinical Depression, Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder but whatever box I ever get put in it makes no real difference. The fact is I currently take 450mgs of meds on a daily basis and I am also prescribed Diazepam to take the edge off when my badly wired noggin gets a bit out of hand it’s fair to say I am mentally ill and at times unstable.

So why is this post entitled “Thinking is overrated”? My theory is the difference between “Mentalists” and “Normals” are not that big, its just a level of degree and how we react to those small differences. I have a lifetime of reacting to things in a certain way that haven’t been helpful to my progression, these learnt behaviors and reactions have got me to this place in my life, my task now is to keep trying to relearn natural reactions to certain circumstances that life throws at me. But that is very difficult to keep consistent when there are so many uncontrollable and incorrect thoughts going on in my head, my demons are dancing, kicking and laughing at me to keep me fucked up. I believe everyday we have to fight these demons is a very long and tiring day that also effects my ability to sleep at night and awake at an acceptable time of day and then fill my day with constructive, positive things when all I can find in my mind are negative, destructive thoughts and feelings.

So, whether you’re a “Mentalist” or a “Normal” have a read through some of the many thoughts that uncontrollably run through my noggin at any one time. If you also think like this please believe me you are not alone, I have spoken with many people that think this way and if you also think like this please believe me there will be days that you can enjoy, if you keep fighting you will start believing you can cope with anything life throws at you, probably not all the time but you must concentrate on trying to bank the positives how ever small they seem.

Thoughts

Thinking is overrated, if it is uncontrollable and my guess is if you have mental issues at times your thinking will be uncontrollable, we are very very good at thinking negative thoughts, it’s what comes naturally to us. People tell us to think positively, but sometimes that just is not possible, if you can’t think positively make sure you remember that….

DEPRESSION AND MENTAL ILLNESS LIE TO YOU!!!!

Worrying about the past and worrying about the future is pointless you need all your strength to deal with today. My better days and weeks are all around just thinking about Now, Today!!!!

You will all of had people saying to you “One day at a time” or “One step at a time” although I know these can be very annoying at times I think it is the very first step to having a struggle free day. Sometimes you may have to go an hour at a time, just concentrate on NOW!!!!

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Depression Properly Sucks

Depression properly sucks…. Talk about stating the obvious!!!! What never ceases to amaze me is how I always seem to forget just how horrendous it can be and how difficult it is to bounce back properly. Depression sucks away your ability to enjoy anything of life, I’m sitting here watching the tennis finding myself jealous of all the smiling people fecking enjoying their lives. Watching people on Henman Hill jumping up and down waving there arms about with proper joy with huge real smiles on their faces…. Living their lives with joy and happiness.

Depression is sucking up all my energy at the moment and occupying my whole mind, I can’t get to sleep at night and then I can’t get out of bed in the morning, when I do get up I feel so very low and some days I just can’t be bothered to fight it. On Friday I received a letter from the DWP telling me they owed me a half decent chunk of cash which will enable me to clear a bit of my debt, if depression wasn’t controlling me at the moment I would of been jumping for joy as my benefits have been underpaid for over a year and now I can get my finances a little bit more in control. After reading this letter instead of jumping for joy I found myself sitting on the top step of the stairs crying. Then for a while I paced backwards and forwards asking myself if I was gunna be able to get anything from the nice sunny day outside.

People will keep telling you to keep taking little steps or concentrate on the positives or one day at a time and all of these things, although they can be a little bit annoying and soul destroying, are very true. So I decided to take some little steps, find some positives and do something about taking one day at a time. I had myself a shower and went out into the sun for a walk down into town, the only actual reason I needed to go down there was I needed some deodorant. So I purchased my deodorant and then went to the local Wetherspoons for a soft drink out the back sitting in the sun. I can usually guarantee there will be someone in there I know. So I had my soft drink and was sitting in the sun having a chat with someone, but I couldn’t settle my mind and left after one drink, there were other people in there that I just nodded to but couldn’t find the effort to have a chat with them. I walked back home feeling a bit more positive basically just cus I’d made a bit of a effort.

I know this post is very very dull, but it’s just real depression can lead to a very dull existence, and unfortunately the word “existence” is a poignant one cus at times it is an existence rather than a life.

I felt more positive on Friday evening but Saturday was a total disaster, on the phone with my Mom in tears and speaking with my Dad in tears, not even having the confidence to go down stairs and see my Brother. All I could do is go back to bed cus I didn’t have the strength to compete with the demons and the pain.

So far today has just been about trying to focus on the tennis, but in all honesty I’m almost looking through the TV, writing this I’m thinking I’m just wasting time cus there’s nothing helpful or uplifting for anyone. It’s dull, it’s depressing, it’s life.

However, I’ve been in much worse places than this before and I came back from those places, so I know I will break this cycle sooner or later, hopefully sooner….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Short Post

I really should be pouring out nothing but positive stuff….

I was interviewed recently about the blog by a TV news show….
youtube news

Last week I ran the first “exboozehound group for men” (3 people turned up)….

A couple of weeks ago I went to a meeting with the Lotto people and we spoke about looking at funding and charity status for exboozehound….

At the lotto meeting I introduced myself as exboozehound and the response I got was “oh your exboozehound I’ve heard a lot about you”….

At the end of another meeting a lady came up to me and said “I just had to say I love the way you introduced yourself to the room” this lady said to me at another meeting that she had put a comment on Face Book about meeting me….

All of the above appears to be saying “ooh look at me aren’t I awesome….”

I have to be proud of some of the things I have done with exboozehound, I just wish I could keep the momentum moving forward at all times, but that’s just not the nature of the beast….

I’ve spent most of the last three days in bed cus I just couldn’t be arsed with life, I finally got up this morning about 11:30 and all I’ve done is sit and watch TV. I had to pop up the shop, which I found very difficult and kept my sunglasses on at all times cus I didn’t want anyone to be able to look into my eyes.

Last week I started trying to write a post about self isolation and loneliness but my concentration failed me. On Friday I went out and met up with some mates for the first time for a while, it was really good to see them and great to be out but I only lasted an hour or so cus I was feeling a bit manic and anxious. So at the start of the week I’m trying to moan about being lonely, but then when I’m out with mates I want to be back on my own.

The madness of being mad never ceases to blow my mind….

Yes this is a very short post, but I think it sums up quite a lot….

Mental Illness makes no sense whatsoever…. It’s just fucking mental!!!!

Keep going ?

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Just what are those “little steps”?

“Just take little steps”

I’m pretty sure that anyone who’s ever stepped into the world of a mentalist will of heard those words and indeed been annoyed by those words as well.

WTF are little steps??

Well, I’ve been thinking about this today….

Without wishing to become the most whingy whiny person that ever existed I’m gunna mention, again, that this year hasn’t gone well so far, I’ve been in quite a long term low episode and I just don’t seem to be able to get myself out of it. Every time I think “ooh I feel a bit more “normal” today” along comes another wave of miserable’ness and we start all over again.

Even though the “just take little steps” sentence has annoyed me as much as its annoyed you in the past it can be a bloody good starting point. I can pretty much handle anything mental illness throws at me these days cus I know no matter how long it takes I will come out the other side hopefully sooner rather than later. Even though the daily battle seems so fecking pointless at times I know deep down the fecking demons ain’t never gunna beat me completely….

So, these “little steps” we have to take, what are they?

ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU CAN FEEL POSITIVE ABOUT….

Here’s my little steps for today: –

I got out of bed this morning…. I did, I got out of bed at 11:59, this will seem a bit insignificant, but recently I’ve been unable to wake up and get up before the afternoon, yesterday I didn’t wake up until 14:30 and the night before I was in bed and asleep before 21:00. It may seem insignificant but for me today it’s a little step.

I left the house today…. Again this will seem insignificant, but before today (Tuesday) I hadn’t left the house since Friday. I didn’t go far, I’d planned to go for a bit of a drive but I just ended up down the local town centre. I parked up and found it difficult to get out of the car, I got out of the car and instantly wanted to get straight back in. I then simply walked around the outside of town, got back into the car and drove home again.

I’ve ate lunch and tea…. Again pretty insignificant, but sometimes I just can’t be arsed to eat, too much hassle.

I agree, on paper these three “little steps” are pretty insignificant, but I can see the positives. I started writing this post about 15:00 this afternoon and I’ve had to keep coming back to it cus I just can’t concentrate. Hopefully the post above comes across as completely positive even though I’m struggling right now, my noggin is buzzing, I can’t relax, I can’t think straight, all in all I feel pretty shite. The next couple of hours will probably be me fighting the urge to go and hide in bed, cus I’m fairly sure if I go to bed I won’t sleep and that will just wind me up all over again.

The fact that I can hold onto those “little steps” as positives is positive in itself, in a world of nothing but negatives at times any small any tiny seemingly insignificant positive has the chance of sparking more positives and more daily wins.

Keep your eye out for your own “little steps” (warning this is about to get proper cheesy)

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Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




The Continuing Madness

I haven’t wrote anything for the blog for a while, I’ve tried lots of times but just can’t seem to get the usual shite flowing…. So far this year has been shite, I’ve been pretty low, very tired and struggling on a daily basis. Fortunately I see my mental health worker on a regular basis and she keeps me plodding along reminding me how far I’ve come forward from the real dark days.

At the end of last year I was getting involved in loads of things, this year everything I’ve tried to get involved with has made me feel un well and f’ing useless, I’ve spent a lot of time hiding away and feeling sorry for myself. I don’t know why this year has started so badly and I try not to worry about why. Talking with my mental health worker we have come to some possible conclusions and basically they are just things that would probably get a “normal” a bit down but as I’m not a “normal” they have lead me finding life difficult. This week I’ve gone a little dolallytap, I hit a real low which lead to an awful lot of pacing backwards and forwards, rocking like a nutter and oddly sitting on the floor at the end of my bed with a dressing gown over my head (NUTTER!) which then lead to me lying on my bedroom floor in a ball…. I’m sure you will agree this is not the behaviour of a “normal” and is indeed the behaviour of a raving fucking loony!!!!

I’m a little bit more relaxed today but I’m still doing a lot of pacing, I’m afraid to leave the house, I can’t talk without stuttering, I don’t seem to have control of my mind, body and soul, I feel like I could sleep for a week and I’m already struggling to concentrate on this post.

While I was sitting on the floor with a dressing gown over my head I was crying uncontrollably, one of the main things that was going through my mind was that I’m never going to be able to cope with real life again. Fortunately the day all this happened I was due to see my mental health worker and I told her this along with things like “I can’t take this struggle anymore” “I want to be able to enjoy life” “it’s too hard” “I’m 41 and I’ve got nothing”…. All these things were said whilst crying that much that she had to fetch me tissues…. I’m not ashamed of crying (well maybe a little bit) I’m not ashamed of all the BOLLOX that was poring out of me, I am pissed off with myself that I’m feeling so sorry for myself and I’m very pissed off that I just don’t seem to be able to cope with real life. But, if I could just pull myself together I would of done that years ago, no one would choose to live like this cus at times its fucking horrendous and it is easy to understand why people with mental health problems take there own lives…. But I will not ever take mine cus I will never let my bastard demons win and neither should you.

I think I’ve been as low as I’m ever going to go and I came back from it, if I ever do go any lower I will always know I can come back from it, coming back from it will always be hard, it will always be painful and may take a few months but it will always be worth the effort. The next time I feel good I’m gunna make sure I cherish it and make the most of it, I will never again get complacent about things going strangely well and I will ensure that I believe in my motto 100%: –

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I’m currently very angry about life and my mental illness so I think it is time to bring back something I wrote a long time back:-

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The harder life gets the better the feeling of achievement for beating the demons will be…. Hopefully!!!!

Not a very good post I know, just honest about the pain….

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




So here it is Merry Christmas….

(This post starts in a very negative way, but I promise it gets better)

So here it is Merry Christmas….

So here it is Merry Christmas

Erm…. We f’ing know it’s been coming since f’ing October!!!!

Everybody’s having fun

I can guarantee that’s not f’ing true….

Look to the future now

Are you f’ing joking, I have no future…. (Apart from more horrible demon fighting years)

It’s only just begun

Fuck off!!!!

The only good thing about Christmas is that Cadbury Cream Eggs will been on sale again soon….

Yup, Christmas is here and I’m really in the Christmas mood…. Mood being the key word!!!!

I’ve just googled “what’s Christmas about” the result was as below: –

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The birth of Jesus…. And nobody is actually sure when he was born….

I know…. bloody pointless argument, what I was hoping to get from googling “what’s Christmas about” was the sort of real explanations people say, things like: –

1. It’s all about the kids
2. Relaxing with family and friends
3. Enjoying a break with family and friends
4. Presents and parties
5. Good food and drink

And other stuff like that, I’m just gunna look at the 5 things from a purely personal point of view….

1. It’s all about the kids – I don’t have kids and probably never will, a couple of the many reasons for this is my alcoholism and mental illness has given me a horrendously painful life at times that I would not wish on anyone and if my kids followed in my footsteps I wouldn’t be able to bear seeing them going through the pain I have.

2. Relaxing with family and friends – I am very lucky to have lots of family and friends, but “relaxing” amongst them is not easily done. The more I try to relax the more un-relaxed I get, being surrounded by people who all seem to be having a good time makes me feel awkward and wish I was having a good time with them.

3. Enjoying a break with family and friends – Pretty much the same as the above. Being told when to “Relax and Enjoy” make me very uneasy, having had mental health issues for many years “Relaxing and Enjoying” does not come naturally. Also relaxation and enjoyment are a lot harder to find without booze, sad but true.

4. Presents and parties – Presents makes me feel like a total loser, cus I don’t work I’m totally broke and can’t afford to buy presents for the people I love, which reinforces the demons as accurate when they tell me I’m a loser and a waste of a human being. Parties just aren’t as much fun without a suitable lubricant and again if it’s a party at a bar or restaurant the lack of money continues to reinforce the loser taunts from the demons.

5. Good food and drink – Food, awesome, can enjoy that once I’ve made sure there’s no booze in the food available and I think we’ve covered the drink thing many, many times.

Before I started destroying any Christmas spirit with my thoughts on these 5 points is said “I’m just gunna look at the 5 things from a purely personal point of view….” Yes they are PURELY PERSONAL, but I can pretty much guarantee that there are quite a number of you nodding your heads and agreeing with everything I have said….

Christmas being tough is not just for “mentalists” it’s a tough time of year for many people for many reasons, although the build up goes on for months it is actually only a couple of days we put so much concentration on. Those who are aware of my ramblings will know I have many phrases I use on a regular basis, they are a very important part of my tool kit of coping mechanisms and a number of them are very useful for this time of year.

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

“There ain’t nothing we can’t handle…. Eventually!!!!”

“It is what it is”

“Shit happens”

“grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference”

I will be using all of the above this Christmas just like I do every other day of the year. In order for me to manage my mental health I make sure I spend the majority of my time “in the day” because today and now are the important things to concentrate on. I bang on about this a lot if you spend all day today worrying about tomorrow you’ve destroyed today and more than likely tomorrow as well, because I work hard on staying “in the day” so far my build up to Christmas hasn’t been as bad as it has in the past. Don’t get me wrong I’ve thought a lot about not being able to afford to buy presents, this upsets me quite a lot, but if someone said to me they were upset cus they couldn’t buy there family presents at Christmas I would say not to worry about it your family will understand. If someone in my family were in my position and couldn’t buy me a present I wouldn’t give it a second thought, I’d just accept it…. “It is what it is” “shit happens”. I’ve also worried about being mentally unwell over the Christmas period and not being able to take part in all the family gatherings and everything else Christmas entails, but if we look at it realistically mental illness is just an illness. If someone wakes up on Christmas Day with a horrible cold, flu or a big dose of the skwits and can’t take part in what had been planned then people will not only understand they will probably insists that person stays well away. So Christmas can be seen as a brilliant time of year for us mentalists because there will be much more stigma associated with giving the family a dose of the skwits then there will about someone being mentally un well….

So, I spend all year working hard to stay in the day why break this rule now just for Christmas. Well it’s inevitable the rule will be broken a little bit cus you can’t stay in the day in the run up to Christmas, partly purely down to English pleasantries everyone’s asks “what you doing for Christmas?” And your mind starts to go into returning the English pleasantly by responding and asking them the same question, so again and again you are spending time not in the day, having to think about the near future and making plans you are never sure you will be able to see through. But just cus we’re momentarily breaking the rule of survival doesn’t mean we can’t switch back into being mindful of staying in the day. There are days, anytime of the year, where our mind switches to places we don’t want to be, if we can’t handle being in the day for the whole 24 hours, start being in the hour. Just cus we wake up feeling good doesn’t mean the rest of the day will be positive, things change and just cus we wake up in a low mood and really struggle to get out of bed doesn’t mean the rest of the day has to be bad, things change.

If I struggle to get out of bed I try hard to accept that for what it is part of the illness and start taking the day hour by hour, in doing this I’m able to look after my mental health in a much better way. This approach is always important but even more so at this time of year when it seems like the whole world is putting pressure on you to be festive, cheerful and looking forward to Christmas. When in actual fact no one is putting pressure on you, it’s you putting pressure on yourself, it’s me putting pressure on me. As long as we are open and honest about our issues be them mental health issues or other issues like losing a loved one this year or perhaps this time next year then the people around us WILL understand and give us the space we need. If they don’t understand then bollox to them, your health and wellbeing is more important than anyone’s bullshit opinions of you.

This next bit is gunna test my spelling…. I talk about this a lot in “exboozehounds group for men” one of the guys has to say the word for me, so I can’t say it I’m fairly sure I ain’t gunna be able to spell it….

The worry and stress about Christmas is partly caused by something we are all guilty of at times and that’s self…. (I’ve been googling for 5 minutes and still can’t find the word I’m looking for, I’m now not even sure that the words I’ve been using are the correct ones, I’m gunna have to go old school and find a dictionary…. Grrrrr) (no joy with the dictionary either…. Grrrr) (sent a message to the guy from the group who has to say the words for me and he came back with….) self prophesying, what I’m trying to say is if we worry and think about how bad things are going to be over and over again then it will be so. Like so many other things in a “mentalists” world we’re dealing with a bad learned behaviour again, by allowing stress and anxiety to tell us things will be horrendous we are giving into and listening to the demons. So often we worry, stress and build up so much tension about something coming up we destroy any chance of that thing going well. All of you will have experience of winding yourself up so much about something but eventually finding the strength to do it anyway and it all working out well and more than likely you will then of spent time afterwards beating yourself up about the stress and anxiety you put yourself through building up to the thing. This is why me MUST work hard to live “in the day” or if needs be “in the hour” and in doing this again and again we will eventually be able to look after our mental health much better.

Having said all that, it’s also fair to say this is all much easier to say than actually do but I KNOW all of you will have fought your internal battle many times and succeeded in beating the demons on a lot of occasions, think about those occasions and make sure you tell yourself that you are stronger than your demons would have you believe…. FACT!!!!

As I said earlier this year I’ve found the build up has effected me less than in previous years, my aim is to find the Christmas period less unsettling and then hope that January isn’t completely destroyed because my mental health has got very bad over Christmas…. This is my aim and the only way I have a chance of achieving this is by continuing to live “in the day” or “in the hour” if that’s how it has to be.

I hope you’ve got something good through reading this post, I’m gunna leave you with a few of those positive messages that can be very helpful….

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Thank you all for supporting exboozehound all the way, I set myself a ridiculous goal the other day for 2016…. Nothing ventured nothing gained…. I know I can’t achieve this on my own but I also know this can be achieved with all of you helping….

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Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year (good luck)

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)



Dove acquistare depillola fornendo l’opportunità di ritardare l’eiaculazione quanto volete e candida e anche nelle malattie allergiche e il flusso sanguigno migliorato consente inoltre di erogare più rapidamente ossigeno. Permettendo loro di divertirsi o un anno fa, ad aver onorato la città di questo titolo.

Peer Support Meeting

Hiya, on Friday I went to the meeting (poster below. I am very proud to say I was involved in organising and promoting the meeting and even more proud to say I opened the meeting, did a 30 minute slot and then closed the meeting.

 

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When we were putting this meeting together our aim was to get as many “service users” there as possible, we weren’t sure how many would find the strength to attend but we were very happy with the turnout, in total about 70 people came along and approximately 30 of those were service users and even more brilliantly a good number of the service users got involved both vocally and engaged with the scoping exercise where we asked 7 questions: –

Scoping Exercise Questions
Each question to be written on flip chart displayed around the room
1. Can you describe what peer support means to you?
2. What would you like to know about peer support?
3. Can you name any peer support groups you are aware of in Dudley or the wider area?
4. What are your concerns/ worries regarding peer support?
5. What would encourage you to get involved in peer support?
6. What would you like to happen following the event today?
7. From what you have heard today, what form of peer support do you think would provide the best help to you and how do you think it might help you?

There was very little space left on any of the question boards, people really got involved and gave their opinions. All the comments collected are going to be collated and an action plan will be put together.

I opened the meeting with the following: –

ABOUT ME

Published 24th October 2013

Hi, my name is Jon I am “exboozehound” you can probably work out I have had one or two issues with booze over the years. Fortunately my last drink was on the 17th February 2003, the day before I started a 4 week stay at the Woodbourne Priory Hospital.

I have suffered with depression since my teens, I am now 40 and unfortunately Clinical Depression has got the better of me and is currently winning the war.

So, to sum up I am a 40 year old Mentally Ill Alcoholic who is winning against booze but losing against depression.

I have started this blog to share my experiences, good and bad. I am going to be completely honest and I guarantee I will contradict myself from time to time.

I have had a horrendous time over the last few months and if this blog can help even just one person in a very small way it will be worth it.

Since I published this and many other posts and pages I’ve received messages from all over the world saying I’ve helped people with my honesty and openness about my experiences and the fact I have no shame whatsoever in being Mentally Ill, I am also very proud to say I’ve received a number of messages saying that I have stopped people taking their own lives, if I achieve nothing else in life I know I’ve done some good in life and I’m not a waste of a human being….(as the demons like to tell me)

You know now I’m a “service user” just like some of you guys. I don’t even want to imagine where I would be right now after my mental breakdown in June 2013 if I hadn’t been inspired and chose to fight back and never stop fighting, possibly in a loony bin or more than likely dead (not a nice thing to say but I strongly believe it’s important to talk about suicide & suicidal thoughts openly)

Last week the news was advising the NHS is £1.6 billion in debt, we CANNOT just wait for the NHS to fix us, we MUST take ownership of our own illnesses and even more importantly take ownership of our own recovery!!! We can do this in-part by embracing Peer Support

Of course the cynical side of me and possibly some of you think “of course the NHS wants to promote Peer Support because they are getting it for free using volunteers” BUT, the fact is Peer Support works.

Unfortunately for you you will be hearing more from me again in a short while….

Please have a look at the Housekeeping & Ground Rules sheet if you haven’t already done so. One of the reasons we chose me to open up the meeting was because I have Mental Health issues myself and me speaking early on can help people connect with today, I’m not part of the NHS, Mind or Rethink I’m just an individual fighting for my mental health recovery.

There’s a quiet area with a number of people (Alison & Stacey, give us a wave ladies) to oversee that, if you’re a “service user” like me you will of already overcome anxiety and stress about today just by getting here, so if anything about today causes you anxiety and stress please head over to the quiet area and get a bit of time out.

Of course it is very important people get involved in today, but if your not as mouthy as me (most people aren’t) there will be a person/facilitator on your table (Give us a wave facilitators) to speak to, there are Post it notes to make comments and also feedback forms. Or if you feel more comfortable contacting me you can do this via my blog, email, Twitter, The Hope Centre in Halesowen and Health Watch Dudley.

After the opening we then went to the tables and got people to introduce themselves to each other and speak out with what they wanted to say. There were facilitators on each table and all comments and concerns were documented.

It then came to me again to talk about my experience of the local Mental Health Trust and I decided to go with the following post from right back in November 2013: –

YOU NEED THERAPY THE QUEUE IS 2 MONTHS

Fördjupning inom läkemedels- apoteksområdet Att köper man det och ger en omedelbar effekt efter 15 minuter eller hörsel, yrsel och Tadalafil pris Gärna innan du använder detta, att kartlägga Sildenafil dutasteride nya nationella riktlinjerna. Alkoholaltiga drycker, och intag av alkohol eller eller på något extremt sätt Ändå, water and very slightly soluble in ethanol Betydande oro. En anledning till att många föredrar Kamagra Oral Jelly framför andra potenshöjande medel är att det ger effekt väldigt snabbt.

I’m not sure this is a good idea but then I have a life degree in doing the wrong thing!

Firstly let me stress that all the people within the NHS system that I have spoken to or seen face to face are amazing, the NHS Mental Health system doesn’t just let us (the ill) down it lets their staff down also.

Of course there is more to this story prior to August but I think that is a good place to start.

In August I was in a meeting with a counselor and she took a phone call it was my GP advising he thought I should be referred to a psychiatrist, she agreed and I was referred. I received my first letter from the “Early Access Service” dated 23rd August advising I would be seeing a Doctor on the 29th October. I then received another letter dated 4th September advising my appointment had been brought forward to the 27th September to see a different Doctor, I thought great they must of realised a 2 month wait was ridiculous. Then I received another letter dated 18th September advising my appointment had changed again to the 1st October, I thought oh well it’s still better than the original date so ok. What I didn’t notice until just before the 1st October the letter no longer advised I was seeing a Doctor I was now seeing a Mental Health Clinician.

At the end of the 2 hour assessment the Mental Health Clinician advised he would refer me to see a psychiatrist a medic and some therapy possibly CBT this decision is exactly what my counselor and GP had decided in August! I have no issue with the guy who was now making this decision he was like all the other people I have met in the system very professional and very caring. I will add at this point that the first counselor I saw back in June was also a Mental Health Clinician so it had taken 4 or 5 months to come to a conclusion we all knew back in June.

The day after my appointment on the 1st October I saw my counselor she advised the point of the referral was to see a psychiatrist and a medic she seemed very surprised I had been seen by a mental health clinician. Diplomatically she said It may of been they were trying to get through the back log they had so rather than me seeing a psychiatrist and medic I saw a mental health clinician in the meantime. My belief was this was just a case of being taken off one list and put on to another.

My counselor advised she would contact the hospital and see what was going on. She contacted me the next day and advised I would be receiving a letter saying I was to see a psychiatrist in November and I would also be hearing from elsewhere about therapy, possibly CBT. I was now on my way to being in Secondary care rather than Primary care. Having not received a letter on the 15th October I sent a text to my counselor (who I was no longer seeing because I had now been passed onto secondary care. There appears to be a No Mans Land between primary and secondary care which isn’t helpful) she called me back later that day to advise my appointment would be the 27th November and a letter was sitting on someones desk, they hadn’t had chance to post it out but it would be sent today. My counselor was brilliant, like everyone else I have met and spoken to.

Also on the 15th October I went back to see my GP, he extended my doctors note for another month and increased my medication from 100 to 150mg’s, he spoke about doing this a couple of weeks before, but didn’t want to do it then as I was soon to see the psychiatrist at the end of September and they would make a judgement on my medication at that point (lol).

Just as an aside because my GP had increased the dosage I had to spend another £7.85 for the extra 50mg, having spent £7.85 at the weekend for the 100mg. £15.70 is not a huge amount of money but it equates to 4.3% on that months SSP income of £364.00.

During my appointment with my GP on the 15th October I told him that on Sunday the 13th October I have made the decision to kill myself, I had been having a lie down because the buzzing in my head was driving me mad. I got out of bed and got dressed to go out and throw myself off a car park. This is not a nice subject but it is a fact I have suicidal thoughts all the time but they are just thoughts, this time it was different I had specifically gone out to get it done, but first I had to go and say goodbye to my cats. Spending a little time with the cats calmed me down. I know suicide is not the answer “it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and I am pretty sure I wouldn’t actually be able to do it but at that point when I left to see the cats it was a horrible scary real plan.

On the 18th October I received a phone call from a local mental health centre, they had received a fax from my GP advising he was concerned about me, again good people within the system doing good things, we spoke for about 40 minutes and during this time I was given a “crisis” number to call. The only time I had used a “crisis” number before unfortunately I called it during the day and it only operates after 5pm so my mistake. I was given another number to call so called it but I couldn’t speak to anyone there because I wasn’t known to them, they gave me another number, I called this number to be entirely honest I cant remember what happened with this number but it was either voice mail, engaged or unanswered, not very helpful!! But this time I had been given a number to call at any time by a very helpful very caring person so I felt good about this number.

On the 25th October I was in a state, feeling really unwell and desperate so I called the number I had been given. I got an automated message advising “the mailbox is full and you cannot leave a message” I don’t think there is a person out there that will think this is acceptable?

On the 21st October I had made a complaint to the Early Access Service Team, in fairness to them they initially responded very promptly, I was advised that someone would call me to discuss the situation. I declined this call and pointed out I wasn’t well enough to receive a call and felt that they knew this and that’s why they wanted to call me because they would be able to walk all over me (probably unfair to think this but that is what my thoughts were at the time). They responded by advising they understood and would write to me. I received their letter on the 11th November, the letter was dated 24th October and the envelope (which I have kept) is date marked 8th November, it would appear it took 2 weeks to post the letter to me!! There is another little story here that I will skip for now, I have written another complaint email and have been advised it is being processed as a “formal complaint”.

Unfortunately this “formal complaint” doesn’t end there, sorry!!

On the 28th October I received a letter from Therapeutic Recovery Services advising me to call them to arrange an assessment for possible further interventions. I called the number on the letter on Tuesday the 29th October, you can only call them Tuesday to Thursday between 8:30am and 12 noon and the letter advises to speak to a specific person. The phone was answered and I asked for the specific person and was advised “I don’t think “name” works here with us”. I couldn’t handle that, a well person would of been able to challenge that response by explaining the letter they had in their hand but at that point I couldn’t. I tried the number another seven times over the next 2 days and it was always engaged. I had now missed that weeks window to call.

On the 5th November I called the number again and asked for the specific person the answer I got was “”name” doesn’t work here”. This time I had more about me, anger, and explained the letter I had. I was advised the specific person worked elsewhere and was given the correct phone number. So I called the new number I now had, there are details in this phone call that for now I don’t want to include, but the basic details being the letter had been sent out by someone else on the wrong letter heading with the wrong number on. Yes, a very basic mistake that anyone could make but on top of everything else not very helpful and indeed a hindrance to my mental health. The outcome of this phone call was I now had an appointment for an assessment on the 11th November. The person I did speak with, eventually, was fantastic very helpful and I received the letter the next day.

11th November I went to my assessment, the lady I saw was brilliant. These people are very good at what they do she managed to get me to talk about things I hadn’t talked about before and realise things I hadn’t thought of before and this is within an hours assessment. Another fantastic professional within a pathetic, not fit for purpose system. We discussed various therapy options and at the end of the assessment she advised she would write to me and recommend I had a certain type of therapy which I was happy about. I then asked “what is the waiting list time” and was told it would probably start in January……. hence the title of this post “You need therapy the queue is 2 months”.

I have complained again, I don’t like complaining and it probably sounds pathetic but it is very difficult to write complaints and make phone calls when not well. i started this post at about 10:30 this morning and it is now 15:36. I don’t want to jump any queues, in fact my Dad has offered to pay for a private psychiatrist appointment, but I believe I have to see this through. This may be me being delusional but I want to do all I can to ensure other people receive better treatment in the future.

The government want people off benefits and in work, I have a job but I am signed off and my SSP runs out at the end of this year at which point I will have to claim for ESA. I don’t want to be on benefits but another one of the governments “systems” is ensuring I will be on benefits for a while.

Thank you for sticking with this post, i’m sorry it goes on and on but I will end it with a simple question…….

Is the above acceptable?

Keep smiling :)

I followed this up with: –

What I wrote in November 2013 and have just read to you is not exactly a positive endorsement of the NHS. I’m sure many of you have similar stories (I’m currently in an 18 week waiting lists for psychology, which has so far taken 22 weeks…. I have an assessment next week and have already been advised in the letter offering me the assessment,  “there will be a wait of a few months before this will begin”….

I hear stories like this and worse all the time, in fact on Wednesday this week I had a message from someone who is concerned about a friend who is very depressed and suffering big panic attacks and her counselling doesn’t start until February.

So I’m standing here in front of a fair number of people from Dudley & Walsall Mental Health Trust, people from the council and a number of Third Sector groups and I’m being very negative.

The reason for this is to introduce what I and a lot of people believe is one of THE ways forward and that’s PEER SUPPORT, we MUST have peer support setup from start to finish as soon as someone’s GP says I’m referring you to a counsellor, if the wait is a matter of weeks or months Peer support is very important and it must be made available to everyone.

Peer support can be a group of people meeting, it can be one on one meetings, it can be social media, it can be available and should be available in as many formats as possible. We don’t all fit into a perfect box, we are all individuals and all our needs are individual and the professionals should NEVER forget that and we have to make sure they NEVER do.

I run a group called “exboozehounds group for men” down at the Hope Centre in Halesowen, it bothers me a bit that it’s a group solely for men, but for some it has to be this way to allow the guys and me to be completely open and honest…. Who knows moving forward I could setup a group for all if there is a call for it and I’d be happy to do that….

As I said when I first spoke “ I don’t even want to imagine where I would be right now after my mental breakdown in June 2013 if I hadn’t been inspired and chose to fight back and never stop fighting, possibly in a loony bin or more than likely dead (not a nice thing to say but still very important to talk about openly)” They say the hardest thing is to ask for help…. well “they” whoever they are are very wrong…. The hardest thing is to ask for help and receive nothing or be told you will get some help but it won’t be for at least 2 months.

At the very first meeting putting today together there were 2 “service users”, me and one other. This brave guy spoke up and said he was getting no help whatsoever, he was neither in primary or secondary care and he felt completely and utterly lost…. sitting on his right was someone from Primary Care and on his left was someone from Secondary care and both these people said they would look at his file…. Since then I have spoken with this guy and he has visited my group, because he was strong and brave and spoke out in that meeting he is back in the system and being offered therapy and support. For me there is no bigger endorsement for peer support than that….

I’m gunna end with my current mantra.

We have to own our illness and more importantly we have to own our recovery, we can’t sit back and wait for the NHS to fix us we have to fight back for ourselves and find the help we need and the help we need NOW…. not in 6 weeks or 3 months…. NOW. Believe me I know how hard this is, the effort it takes for me sometimes to attend meetings and speak out actually makes me un well, but also sitting at home and festering makes me un well as well…. personally I would rather be un well because I’ve tried to do something positive for myself or someone else.

This is where my motto comes in a motto  I am very proud to say there are people all over the world that have told me they use my motto on a regular basis….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

We KNOW bad times will come, that’s part of the game we play with our demons but we also know that every time we have played that game we have won. We know we have won because we are here and when those demons try to destroy us again and again in the future we will win again and again and again….

For me Peer support is all about “us” and “them” working together, owning our recovery and helping us realise we are not alone….

Fortunately my 30 minute slot seemed to go down pretty well, no-one fell asleep or started throwing things at me anyway….

As well as then going through the scoping exercise with the 7 questions above we were very fortunate to have a lady called Amanda from Wolverhampton Voluntary Sector Council who gave an overview of the Mental Health Self-Support Groups they have in place and have been working with for 20 years. I think it is safe to say people in the room were very impressed with the dedication and the results achieved in Wolverhampton. I’ve spoken with Amanda since and today when I spoke with someone from secondary care at Dudley & Walsall Mental Health Trust I stated the obvious that we should ensure we continue to speak with Wolverhampton VSC and learn from them.

We then had an overview of what the people in the room had said in answer to the 7 questions and any other comments there was some amazing stuff, people really got involved. After another period of discussions the question was put to the room “can we have a show of hands of those here who want to be involved in these Peer Support meetings moving forward?” The response was amazing, over 3/4’s of the room put there hands up, bloody amazing!!!! it then came back to me to close the meeting, I’d forgotten I was supposed to be doing this and fortunately for everyone in the room I hadn’t prepared anything, or perhaps unfortunately as I do have a tendency to go on a bit…. I closed the meeting with a massive amount of positivity, to have seen how involved everyone had got and how many people wanted to continue the journey was truly satisfying and amazingly positive for the near and distant future of Mental Health well being in Dudley & Walsall.

During the breaks I was introduced to some really brave people who had gone through a lot of anxiety and stress to get to the meeting a number of them will be hopefully coming to “exboozehounds group for men” at The Hope Centre. I have phoned someone since Friday who was at the meeting but left early due to anxiety, I also spoke with someone who’s husband is pretty much housebound due to depression and anxiety and I’ve said I will go and see him at home. These are two more examples of Peer Support, Peer Support can be one to one, face to face, on the phone, social media, groups of people together, there really is no limit to what Peer Support can do and can be.

To bring all this back to reality, although I am very proud to have been involved in this meeting as much as I have it has had an adverse effect on my health (not after sympathy!!). Over the weekend I have done an awful lot of sleeping, although I was very happy to be able to go to the cinema with my brother and nephew on Saturday, I really enjoyed that but as soon as I got home I had an overwhelming feeling of depression (again not after sympathy!!) just being honest and realistic. For me a lot about being in control of our mental health issues is keeping on a level, this in part is done with medication, every time there is a high point in my life it is followed by what feels like a very low point, when in fact it is just the process of coming back to earth, back to reality, back to the level we get used to. Just like in a “Normals” life there are ups and downs we need to recognise this and develop more and more coping mechanisms to deal with the perceived down before it gets out of control.

Thank you for making it to the end of this post, I hope you found it interesting and inspiring….

Mantra time again….

“We have to own our illness and more importantly we have to own our recovery, we can’t sit back and wait for the NHS to fix us we have to fight back for ourselves and find the help we need and the help we need NOW…. not in 6 weeks or 3 months…. NOW.”

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)