Tag: family

2nd Psychiatrist appointment Wednesday

As the title suggests my second psychiatrist appointment is almost here and it has me a little wound up…. I should be able to remember when I last saw him but I can’t, think it was end of November beginning of December I could look the date up but I can’t be arsed…..

Why am I wound up? I don’t know really there are various reasons, I guess he will be able to tell me on Wednesday, but I am going to use this post to try and work out why I am wound up. This goes against a lot of things I have said in the past but it is important I get as much out of my second appointment as possible…..

The last time is saw him, I was quite impressed, he had me talking about stuff I have never spoken about, he had me crying and he had me being about as honest as I have ever been able to be with a noggin doctor. He put up my meds to the top dose and talked about another drug we might try next time if needed. All good really, nice guy, seemed to know what he was doing and eventually had a positive effect on me…. I say eventually because I think it stressed me out a bit for a while last time, but overall positive, I think?

I’m concerned he is gunna say stuff like “tell me about your childhood” and “how did that make you feel” etc etc, but the truth is there was nothing wrong with my childhood. I don’t actually remember a lot, I get confused when I here people say stuff like “my first memory was when I was about 3…..” WTF???? How the hell do you remember that stuff, I don’t….. I can tell stories from my childhood, but I think that is because they are stories that are told over and over again, I don’t actually remember them, this makes me a little sad. If you have read other blogs about booze and mental illness I guess you will of read “I always thought there was something different about me as a child, I never felt like I fitted in anywhere, I always felt on the edge of everything, I could feel lonely in a crowded room etc….” Might sound like bollox but I know they are real feelings, these are probably the only things I do remember. If he starts asking stuff like that I will just be honest, it’s the way I roll these days.

I am also concerned because I had a letter from the chief executive of my local NHS mental health trust this week with the “FINDINGS” (LMFAO!) from the investigation into my formal complaint (click here for details if you have some spare time!). I don’t think it is wise for me to go into my feelings and thoughts on these findings, all I will say is “NOT IMPRESSED!!!! AND THE FIRST GUY I MET WITH WAS REALLY GOOD AND I FELT COMPLETELY GENUINE BUT THE CHIEF EXECUTIVES LETTER HAS UNDONE ANY TRUST I HAD IN THE INVESTIGATION!” I will leave it there, I have already had a rant on social media and sent a message to the local trust…. Oh just one more thing, there is a week between the date on the letter and the post mark on the envelope, nope I’m not making it up, UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE! I have a letter assuring me that my complaint will in no way effect the treatment/therapy I receive, I do not believe this and I can prove it has effected my treatment/therapy but I’m keeping that bit to myself for now.

I’m concerned because although I accept I just have an illness, I don’t bloody want it, it’s hard work. I am going to give you an example of why it is hard work, I want to preempt this by saying my issues are my issues, I would not be where I am today without the support of my family!! They have been amazing! Although it is important I have therapy and I take meds I have no hesitation in saying the NHS has mainly hindered my recovery, where I am today is down to family, friends new and old and the strength inside me!

So the example… I have changed my mind I’m not going to give an example, but what I will say is because I speak about my mental health and my family and friends support me I am able to just be me and if I need to walk away for a couple of minutes or leave suddenly no-one questions it they just accept it. This gives me a lot of strength, this allows me to “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”, this allows me to start to “Find Jon a Serene Jon” (there is a message within that and there is only one person that will understand it :p). Because of the support of family and friends I am beginning to find Jon and there is definitely serenity emerging, I never liked whoever that Jon was before and could never understand why people did like him. I don’t want you to read that as a negative or think “fucking nut job” I want you to read that as a positive. I will never be a born again Christian but I am a born again Jon, I am a born again exboozehound. I have a couple of new tattoos they are simply “exboozehound”, “1973”, “2003” and “2013”. We know exboozehound is me, but what about the dates, they are the years I was born: –

1973 – year I was born
2003 – year I gave up booze and was born again
2013 – year I finally went dolallytap and was born again because I finally had to address the shit I tried to hide for 20 years.

Good place to end I think?

Keep smiling 🙂

The power of social media

Slightly off subject and I will be keeping this short.

I always said I would never go on Facebook and when Twitter was suggested to me I tried it and I did not understand it. Twitter was where the name exboozehound was finally made official I had called myself it for a long time, but Twitter made it real, now I have my blog and I have it tattooed on my chest 🙂 .

I have accounts with most of the social media sites now, I have a poor understanding of most of them and usually can’t remember all the bloody passwords but I have the accounts so I am cool and down with the kids.

I did some maths last night, by choice, (yes I am sad!) and added up my followers followers the total was over 6,000,000! AMAZING! Since then I have a few more followers with an amazing amount of followers.

The reason I did this, apart from being sad, was to see what the potential reach a Tweet could have. I know I’m not going to reach them all but the potential is there in theory.

I have an issue with the NHS at the moment and I am not going to give up, I may very well be asking for your help very soon!

Catch u all soon 🙂

Keep smiling 🙂

Dog with 2 dicks

“Happy as a dog with two dicks”
“A phrase used when a great sense of self achievement has been reached, or one is seriously happy.
That’s one small step for man. One giant leap for mankind. I tell you, I’m as happy as a dog with two dicks me.”
Neil Armstrong, 21st July 1969
I have been fortunate to meet (all be it virtually!) some awesome people through my blog. Unfortunately I let one of these people down, I hope to rectify that at some point. One of the people I have met via this blog and Twitter is @VeronicaValli she is awesome!! Now, I have to say I thought I might of ended our friendship very quickly when I questioned if the answer to a question she was posing was actually in the blog post… but I have said before my policy is honesty “If I can’t be honest I wont say anything at all” (and trust me for a former salesman that ain’t easy!!). Veronica was very gracious and took no offense, which I think is very important… Agree or disagree there is no one solution to any issue, there are always options…..
I could decide to walk up to the shop forwards or I could walk backwards I would still get to the shop….. walking backwards might be a bit more difficult and more dangerous but chances are I will still get there…..
(as an aside I went to my local  shop recently dressed like a badly dressed homeless person (sorry), none of my family enjoyed it, my nephew described me as “a div” and someone very key to my current positive frame of mind made me promise I will never use the photos again! I got some funny looks and I can imagine people thinking “how come they’ve let him out” but you know what I enjoyed it, I believe it empowered me to cope with paranoia moments in the future “Whats the worst that could happen?”)
To regular readers it wont be a surprise I have gone off subject a bit! The point of mentioning Veronica, I tweeted today “This is a MUST READ…..” and it is, I promise you. Veronica knows I cant agree with everything she writes, partly on this subject because I don’t have “faith” and I don’t understand “spirituality” both of those words scare me, if they scare you and you think like me “i’m not into all that hippy bollox” you are wrong my friend, I am wrong (i’m not but I am??) read it and take from it what helps you…. I have…. Thank you Veronica :).
Ok, “Dog with 2 dicks”….. Why?….. Today has been a goooooood day for various reasons, one of them I cant talk about, others I wont talk about and of course I ain’t gunna bother thinking too much about “WHY?” because it is wasted energy, the real answers are “Who Knows!” “It is what it is” “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad” “Live in the moment”
But I will list a couple: –
  • The other day I took my nephew to Martial Arts, he was awesome!, on the way back we had “Eat, sleep, rave, repeat” on very loud in the car, the rules are after the lady finishes her part you have to go bonkers…… 🙂 (I have no problem with that, lol). Today I pulled up to my Dads house and the Sis pulled up along side me with my 2 nephews and 2 other sprogs, they were all bouncing up and down like nutters 🙂 . I had to get me some of that action, so I walked down the road with “Eat, sleep, rave, repeat” playing on my phone. As I got close my younger nephew ran up to me and gave me a high 5 (“Gem” moment),  I carried on walking down and when I got to the older nephew we waited as the song got to the bonkers bit…. Sis and the other sprogs stood there looking at us in puzzlement. Then it came “Bonkers time” which led to a 40 year old mentalist (sorry) and a 9 year old jumping up and down sort of head banging, in a respectable road as well!! (needless to say he had better rhythm than me, but hey ho I can eat more than him and always will be able to (Ollie ;-p ).
  • I received a DM today on Facebook (I have taken some private stuff about others out) : – 

“…Crikey you have a wasted talent for writing!… Your blogs are compelling reading and you have a real talent for reaching people. Please consider when you are well and strong (it will happen, believe that) please please consider writing your experiences or even deviate and write some dark violent northern tale, but either way, you should know you have a talent… It’s something to think about… But writing doesn’t need an office, you don’t need to travel and until your established, there’s no deadline! Please consider or at least keep my idea at the back of your mind!!.., Keep going big guy! I have every faith in your abilities and look forward to one day, downloading you on my kindle!”

What can I say to that?…… OOF!! I have started my book (might be delusional but “it is what is is”). This DM tipped me over, about 10 people now have said the same thing about me writing a book….. So lets do it, hopefully it will help people understand Mental Illness and Alcoholism from an extremely honest point of view, my point of view will be disagreed with in many circles but, there is no one solution to any issue (and everyone is allowed to have views and opinions as long as they agree with mine!)… and I have to show this tweet again: –
junction project 

  • I’ve had a couple of private conversations on Facebook today one of which has left me speechless, seriously that doesn’t happen often, if at all, but i’m speechless and numbed with happiness 🙂 .

Sorry, there is still more I need to say today…….

Even through my Mental Illness I am happy, I mean no disrespect to anyone when I say this, my lack of happiness has never been down to other people it has been down to me. I have now let go and am addressing something I have hidden as best I could for 20 years, people have known for this amount of time that I suffer with depression but so many people do these days. I think I always knew it was more than just depression (I don’t mean that in a disrespectful way, I find it hard when people say they are depressed because there football team has lost and other things like that, I especially found it hard when a “famous” doctor (fucking jumped up arrogant book monkey!!) tweeted something along the lines of “Is there a medical term for the depression and desperation felt when you come to the end of a box set “ My reply was “for a doctor I think this comment is disgusting, basically making light of mental illness, did u learn that from a book?” He then was happy to let his followers attack me and carry on with his arrogant bullshit!)

Nearly finished I promise…..Watch Cyberbully (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I recently decided to try and keep my Facebook page separate from this blog and Twitter for a couple of VERY IMPORTANT reasons but I was persuaded tonight to keep things as they were. I did this in part due to possible future #stigma after all I am an alcoholic with mental health issues, not a very good prospect for the future, alcoholics fall off the wagon all the time and the mentally ill are dangerous…… Bollox I was more dangerous when I hid it all, having it all out in the open (maybe a bit too open sometimes!) makes me no risk at all because I am honest and selfish enough to say “i’m feeling a bit yampy i’m gunna leave or go for a walk or have a kip”. Lets just flip back to my earlier “empowerment” “What’s the worst that could happen?”. Sometimes I can’t handle being around people, sometimes I feel people are laughing at me, sometimes I feel people are judging me. I don’t know why and it happens a lot less now, all I do is remove myself from the situation, simple, keep adapting and reevaluating, be honest with yourself and others and you will find some happiness and serenity. Veronica has serenity, i’m working my way towards it, if I had followed Veronica’s path maybe I would now have serenity, but all the shit of the nearly 11 years since I gave the booze up has been hard and has made me ill, it has also made me the man I am today, the man who receives DM’s like the one above, the man that school friends I haven’t seen for 25 years say they are proud of me, the man that a number of people have said is inspirational, that’s got to get you thinking (especially you Alex!), surely that has you thinking?

New readers may be thinking wheres this Black Country Yam Yam numpty got the word “serenity” from, Google “The Serenity Prayer” or as I prefer to call it “The Serenity Thingy” I just drop the first “G” word :-/ . This thingy has got me through a lot of scrapes!!!! (i’d say other search engines are available but lets be honest there aren’t!).

And now I am going to become an Author (lol) I have no choice but to get me one of them iPad things, it’s the law….. Any sponsors for this essential equipment are most welcome 🙂 .

“It is what it is”

“Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

“Live in the moment”

“exboozehound – 1973 – 2003 – 2013”

#timetotype

“Share me, Tweet me, RT me, but please don’t mistreat me” (well… it depends on your definition of mistreat really….. mmmmm”)

Keep Smiling 🙂

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“That’s it really”

This post is dedicated to Catriona, whenever I said to her “it is what it is” she would reply with “That’s it really” always with a huge smile 🙂 .

Problem is I have been to Catriona’s funeral today, she was 42…….

I did’t know her long, but we got on straight away. I managed to upset her one day she misunderstood something I said but we sorted it out and she said something along the lines of “i’m beginning to like you, you’re a cheeky one you’re trouble aren’t you?” with a huge smile 🙂 .

I am guessing her family will never read this but I would like to reinforce what the second speaker said today, she loved her family so much and she showed me pictures of “her boys” a few times, she was so proud of them, she was so proud of her sister and her Mom and Dad and she loved them all from the bottom of her heart, although she did say on a numbers of occasions “they seem to know what I am doing before I do…” we discussed the possibility that they had installed web cams, lol. She had a huge smile on her face 🙂 .

This bit will sound a bit selfish…. I am absolutely gutted she passed away before Christmas because she made me promise I wouldn’t spend it on my own and would go to my brothers, initially I lied to her and she gave me a huge smile 🙂 . I bumped into her later that day and she made me promise again, I did and I think this time I meant it, we gave each other a hug and as I walked away she had a huge smile on her face 🙂 . She was so excited about Christmas and she didn’t get there last year, which is so sad….. I hope if she was looking down to see if I went to my brothers she saw that I did and had a huge smile on her face 🙂 . Thank you Catriona, because I went I got some real “Gem” moments to add to my memory bank and that puts a huge smile on my face 🙂 .

I want to keep this post short so I will just say it was an absolute pleasure to have known you and have a laugh with you, you will be in my thoughts for ever. As you know I don’t do Christmas but the card you gave me the last time I saw you I have in a clip frame, and I promise next Christmas I will enjoy it and not put a Bah Humbug hat on my head. Gunna miss you Catriona… “That’s it really”……..

One last thing, i’m not a big Take That fan but this tune was played at your funeral today and from now on every time I hear it I will think of you and the HUGE SMILE ON YOUR FACE 🙂 .

Take That “Rule the World”

Keep Smiling 🙂

Today has been a day…

Sorry me again……….

Before I start I have registered a new hash-tag #timetotype it is important to talk and get our feelings and thoughts out there but a lot of the time these days we don’t actually talk we type, we type via social media, hence #timetotype.

Today has been a day… I had many things planned today and I did very few of them. This morning I went to a meeting called “Coffee and Cope” organised by an organisation called Rethink check out there website, they are very good! I apologised a number of times during the meeting as I didn’t appear to be able to stop my gob moving, it was moving in a positive way but perhaps moving a little too much. The others there seemed happy enough and were very kind about me, in particular my new mate Rog, he said some things to me that moved me a lot, thank you Rog 🙂 . The positivity wasn’t faked like it has been in the past it was natural 🙂 .

After the meeting I bumped into someone I hadn’t seen for a good while, we spoke a bit about there fantastic news and a bit about my not so good experiences over recent months, but I was still positive about the negativity and I was really happy to here there news!!! I then wondered around the town a bit and started to feel a bit shite, so I ditched my plans and went back home for a bit of a kip. Before I began to feel shite I had the pleasure of being approached by a well know telecomms company about there broadband, the conversation went a little like this: –

Them: Can I ask who your broadband is currently with?

Me: None of your business.

Them: ok, can I ask how much you are currently paying a month for it?

Me: You can ask. but I wont tell you… what I will say is my old man pays for it so I don’t really care.

Them: Ha Ha (nervously 🙂 ) Have you ever considered… (I best not name them so lets just call them “Con Monkey’s”) …Con Monkey’s?

Me: Nope, I have experienced Con Monkey’s service and to be honest they would have to pay me to take their broadband.

Them: That can depend on the area, we always check to make sure you can get the sort of coverage and service you require.

Me: Do you, that’s very good of you…

Them: (with a look of defeat) Well thank you for your time today.

Me: Thank you for yours as well, have a good day now… I walked away with a very pleasant feeling 🙂 .

I wasn’t rude, I had a smile on my face during the conversation.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want to demonstrate how I can go from feeling great to feeling shite in a very short period of time for absolutely no apparent reason. I don’t worry about the why because I don’t think it can be answered and of course “it is what it is”.

I got back home and had a bit of a kip, only for about 40 minutes but that’s the way it goes these days, sleep is not really my area of expertise. I had something really cool I was going to be doing later on and that was to take my nephew to Martial Arts, I was looking forward to that a lot!! I worried a little about it and as I was getting ready I nearly bottled it, but i’d had a text of my Sis earlier to say he was really excited I was taking him. So I strapped on a pair and away we went, he’s a good kid we had a good chat on the way there, probably some inappropriate chat, but I have promised both of my nephews I would always be there for them and always willing to be a bad influence. I watched him doing his stuff for about half an hour and I was so proud, he was the best there by a long long way, that’s not me being a bias Uncle, he has started at a new dojo recently so has had to start from the beginning. He is already belted up in Karate and Kick Boxing, I think this one is called Mixed Martial Arts, he was awesome!!!!! On the way back we played music extremely loudly and bounced up and down like nutters 🙂 . I played a couple of tunes he wanted and then I introduced him to a bit of Linkin Park, which went down well 🙂 .

The point of telling you this is?? If I hadn’t strapped on a pair I wouldn’t now have that “Gem” moment in my life….. It is sometimes really really hard to do very simple things but it can be so worth the effort. If you find something really hard to do sometimes you may have to back off but if you can, give it a go….. what’s the worst that could happen???

Why is the post titled “Today has been a day…”? Because it has been good, it has been bad, it has been scary, it has been exciting, it has been long, it has been short, it has been disappointing, it has been satisfying, it has been lonely, it has been full of people, it has been so many things but in the end it has just been a day.

I have a funeral to go to on Wednesday and I wish I had someone to go along with me but I don’t and if people offered I would probably say no, who knows? Of course I have started to worry it is going to trigger something in me…… But worrying about what might happen is not the way I roll these days, as I said in the last post one of my new motto’s is “Live in the moment” so I am going to stop worrying because if I worry myself out of it and don’t go I will regret it, it won’t be easy and may be very very difficult but at this point I’m not thinking about it anymore…… “Thinking is overrated”.

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype

Whats the point?

The title of this post may seem negative but I promise you it isn’t!!!

The questions is about whats the point of this blog and the answer is it varies depending on where my noggin is on that day. On the first page of this blog “About Me” there is a paragraph that goes like this: –

“I have started this blog to share my experiences, good and bad. I am going to be completely honest and I guarantee I will contradict myself from time to time.”

On my “Intro Post” I wrote a number of disclaimers. I hadn’t planned to swear quite as much as I have, I have used *’s a lot but I have left someone of the swears pure. If you saw my recent attempt at poetry (lol) you will know swearing is actually cool!!! 

Remember you need to rhythm to “Santa Claus you c**t” in your head to read it correctly…..

depression you cunt

 

I have stated my views on the NHS most of them negative, justifiably!!, but I always speak positively about NHS staffl. Yesterday I needed to call a crisis line for help, I’ve had poor experiences with these lines before. I believe that most of us are happy to complain but don’t give credit where credit is due enough, I try to do both, recently I had an on-line conversation, I am very happy with the deal I squeezed out of them but complimented the person on their sales skills, sorry customer service skills (?!?!) and when I received a “satisfaction survey” I went to town with praise for their operative “Nicola”. So “Marie” credit where credit is due, you were fantastic yesterday when you called me back from the crisis line, (yes you had to call me back because when I first tried to call the line it was engaged twice….) you are another example of brilliant, caring and knowledgeable NHS staff, Thank you!

So, “Whats the point?” of this blog, I still don’t know but I do know what I want the point to be…….

Honestly I want to help me but more importantly I want to help others, I want to make a difference. I can’t get back the 20 years of my life I have wasted with booze and mental illness but I can do something to help others not waste years of their lives. I have destroyed so many things in the past and the present and this is where my destructive tendencies stop!!!

I need to raise the profile of this site and I need YOUR help, I guess admitting you read this blog is embarrassing but so many of you have complimented me on my “honesty and openness” in private. You could be reading this blog because you have a loved one with booze or mental health issues nobody needs to know why you are reading this BUT PLEASE TELL PEOPLE. I have used my family connection to @BillyIdol, he RT’d me and I gained some followers from Australia, America, Canada and the UK. Please please follow me on Twitter and invite others to follow me, please RT me. Please like and share my blog posts on Facebook, I know there are people out there that read the blog but have never liked or shared a link. If you know or are related to anyone influential be it just mouthy or famous please get them to follow and RT me on Twitter. You can subscribe to receive posts by email but it doesn’t always work so Twitter is the place WE need to concentrate on.

If you are embarrassed about reading my blog I understand if you have to tweet something like “@exboozehound lol this bloke is proper mad as a bucket of frogs #bonkers” that’s cool.

Thank you in anticipation for your help, yam all bostin!!!

Tweet, Re-tweet, Favourite, Reply, Share, Like, Comment and of course Keep Smiling 🙂

OK (?)

G’day all, hope you are all well? I’m going to try to make this post more of a question, that’s the plan anyway. If you have been reading this blog and the comments you will be familiar with a guy called Alex, in one comment he said something along the lines of “I hate you blog sometimes because it makes me think” with that comment he basically hit the nail on the head. I often think too much and have said on many occasions “Thinking is Overrated”. The problem with thinking sometimes is it spirals out of control and drives you bonkers, but I started this blog because someone else got me thinking again, thinking in a different way. He thought very similar things to me which made me think “I am not as mad as a bucket of frogs, other people think like me, I am just unwell”. So I thought, I wonder if my thoughts could help others (and selfishly, me of course!), and from feedback I have had my thoughts and feelings do help others, so I am chuffed to bits!!! Maybe delusional thinking but…. Have I found my purpose??

Anyway, back to the question. I got an email yesterday from someone who has helped me in a major way during my “I’ve gone bonkers” period, part of that email went like this: –

“The manic thingy was quite normal for where you are at the moment. Feeling “ok” currently is a very fragile emotion currently. I won’t stop challenging you though, as you will be able to see how things are going. It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesn’t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”

Oof!…… Has it got you thinking? Got me thinking straight away…..

“”OK” currently is a VERY FRAGILE EMOTION”

Oof!….. Here’s what i’m thinking, “OK” is perhaps the most tricky part of the recovery process, when you’re in the “pit of doom” you are in bed because you physically cant get out and if you do manage to drag yourself out of bed the whole day doesn’t really happen. When you’re feeling good it’s good but a bit of an alien feeling. When you’re feeling “OK” the up’s and down’s can happen many times a day and many times an hour, that’s tiring, that’s fucking hard work!

Now lets look at the last part: –

“It will NEVER be a problem for me if it doesn’t work out. I know what great effort you are making.”

That’s the sort of support I need, that’s the sort of support you should be trying to give to your loved ones because if they are still fighting, believe me they are making a great effort every day!! I am very lucky as I have so much support from family, friends (old and new), colleagues, Facebooker’s, Twitter’ers and of course you guys who take the time to comment on here. I am very lucky because my support team give me understanding and don’t judge me, maybe there are some in my support team that think Mental Illness is just in the mind and I should just pull myself together and have a good holiday, I can understand that as I have said before many times “I am a Neanderthal with depression, if I hadn’t experienced it I would be one of those idiots that says just pull yourself together”.

So a few questions to other peoples support teams: –

Are you giving that sort of support?

Are you helping rather than hindering?

Are you keeping your outdated, shite views to yourself?

Are you going to understand that your loved one isn’t making shit up?

If they had broken a leg would you think it was soft to have it plastered and they should just man up?

And one question to those who are fighting hard on a daily basis: –

Is “OK” ok or a fragile emotion that requires an awful lot of effort?

Keep Smiling 🙂

One more questions, does any of the above make any sense at all??

6th January 2014

At the end of 6th January 2014 I posted on Facebook “Well 6th January 2014….. It’s been emotional… Bring on the next one and we will have another go” It was a strange day….. It started with a Rethink meeting called “Coffee and Cope” (every time I tell anyone that they hear the word Cope as Coke, it’s my Yamyam/Brummy accent :)), it was a good meeting. The last couple of meetings I have come away a little stressed and manic but Monday’s meeting was good. In the afternoon I went to a meeting that will change my future quite a lot, I wont say what the meeting was about until it is all official but the outcome is life changing, in both a bad and good way…. (?). Life changing moments bad and good can be huge triggers for me I never know if I am going to spiral out of control, but I didn’t :). The motorway journey was cool and there were no thoughts of sticking the car into the barrier, which may sound odd but it is a huge thing for me :).  (Suicidal Thoughts, gunna speak about them in a bit). If i’m honest, and unfortunately I am, it doesn’t even have to be life changing moments that can trigger a spiral it can be as simple as changing plans….. Changing plans happen all the time and now I cope with them, partly because of “it is what is is”, nothing in life is guaranteed, now I know that there aint no stopping me…..Movie Fifty Shades Darker (2017)

I had a therapy session yesterday and it went really well it is leading up to a therapy called Mindfulness, anyway one of the sentences I came out with was along the lines of “I have loads of coping mechanisms but I now know I can’t trust or rely on any of them completely”. I think this is a realistic approach because if you rely on one specific thing and it doesn’t work then you will spiral out of control….. Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!!! I try all my different things and if none of them work I stop trying and save my energy…. “Enjoy the good and ride out the bad”. We have all had those times when we “Know” it’s never going to get better and we have survived them and been proved very wrong, we may all have those times again, but that’s cool we actually do “Know” we can survive them and it will get better!!!!

My Mom said to me yesterday “I think we both knew this would happen one day” she was talking about me finally breaking and she is right, I knew it would happen one day and although it has been horrendous at times I am actually happy it has now happened. The daily struggle of keeping going is fucking hard work and in the end is what destroyed me but now I have the opportunity to rebuild. Starting again at 40 seems a bit scary at times and I am sure it will have it’s ups and downs but whats the alternative? Answer, There ain’t one… I hope people don’t mind me saying this… Just look at our Military coming home with massive physical and emotional scars, those men and women are inspirational, if we can follow there example we can’t go wrong. I’ve just read some bad news about the ex-servicemen in the Dakar Rally, I think these are the guys that were on Top Gear, when I watched that episode I got close to tears but when Richard Hammond was speaking with them talking about there injuries and what they got up to in hospital it was amazing, those guys are amazing and massively inspirational!! I know I have gone off on a bit of a tangent but what could be more inspirational than these men and women? Answer, Nothing!

As an aside my Mom also informed me I have been spelling “Soba” wrong it should be “Sober”…… D’oh!!Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Ok, lets talk about Suicidal Thoughts, it’s not a nice subject but it is a real subject. I don’t have them these days which is awesome, in part I think these are no longer an issue for me because I talked about them on here, with family, with friends and even with work colleagues….. Why not, they are a matter of fact and if we don’t talk about them they will not go away. Suicidal thoughts are not rational, they make no sense but they exist and they are very real, they have to be addressed. Please don’t keep suicidal thoughts to yourself, yes they will upset people but they are probably upset anyway because they don’t like to see you feeling so unwell and feel they can’t do anything to help. If you can’t speak to family or friends tell your GP or a local Mental Health charity or the Samaritans, there are options please use one of them!!!

A little bit about your family and friends being upset seeing you unwell, my guess is you are feeling guilty about the pressure you are putting on them….. well don’t!!!!! Simple as that!!! You didn’t ask for your illness, you didn’t do anything to make your illness happen it just happened and is happening. Don’t waste your energy on guilt you need your energy to battle the big stuff. If they didn’t want to help they wouldn’t and if it was the other way around you know you would want to help them and would be horrified if they felt guilty receiving your help.

As usual this post ended up being something it wasn’t going to be in the first place, but I think that is good it’s just the ramblings of a strange man with an illness that is getting better. I hope you got something from it?

I’m also a philosopher (nope didn’t I spell that right at the first attempt!) I posted this on FB just after midnight recently: –

It is now tomorrow so today (yesterday) is gone, tomorrow (today) is a new start and the day after today (tomorrow) matters when today (tomorrow) has gone…. Life’s simple really ?

Keep Smiling ?

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Angry

I only posted yesterday so this might be too early to post again but today I am angry, today I am feeling sorry for myself, today I am questioning if I am a good person, today I’ve fucking had enough!!

There will be some language to follow so I will apologise now…..

First lets get something straight…. Yes I have had enough, yes I feel I cannot take this shit anymore, yes I feel desperate but NO, STILL NO THOUGHTS OF I MUST END MY LIFE!!!! Thankfully they are history, hopefully for good!!!!! Those thoughts being history is awesome but I will tell you one thing for sure it has got absolutely fuck all to do with the NHS, if the NHS was all the support I had there would be no exboozehound blog, there would be no exboozehound, he would be gone by now. There are many reasons why I am still here, my Mom, my Dad, my Brother, my Sister in law, my Nephews, my Aunt, my Nan, my cats, my new friends from this blog, my friends (actual and social media) and a guy named Danny Baker who I found on Twitter…. The other reason I am still here is “ME”, yes i’m a bit fucked up but I wont give up….. no fucking way!!

I am fully aware people will defend the NHS, but I am not going to apologise for anything on this post apart from the language….

It’s not just the Mental Health part of the NHS its the whole lot, someone I know has just been treated like a piece of meat in Russells Hall Hospital, Dudley, West Midlands, DY1 2HQ. Each department seems to be a separate country with absolutely no way of communicating with each other.

Lets be honest this government, the government before and the following government will NEVER fix the NHS, it’s not in their interest, it’s too expensive…… if it was a factory it would of been shut down fucking years ago.

My NHS story is on here somewhere, i’m not going to go over it again but to sum up they might of well just bent me over a table and fucked me….. Yes I am speaking with good people now that are investigating my complaints and I have now seen a psychiatrist and will shortly be starting some therapy and yes they will now go to work on me and sort me out but if they had done something useful back in June, maybe back in January, maybe years back I wouldn’t be ranting on here today, I would probably be moaning about my first day back at work in 2014. Asking for help is a difficult thing to do, when you ask for help you should not have to wait months to get some help and my story is nothing in comparison to others I now know of, my months waiting would be classed as a slick operation……..

My Mental Health is mainly to blame as to why I am where I am today, my “i’m a man, men don’t cry” bollox has something to answer for as well but and this is a huge BUT the NHS is culpable in a big way!!!!

I think that will do, I want to say so much more but my concentration has gone.

We are lucky to have an NHS I know that, but if the doors aren’t open and there’s no connected stuff inside what the fucks the point???????

“Oh you have a broken leg, we could put it in plaster but I just need to check with 15 departments. It is a bit cold in here, why don’t you run around and do some star jumps to keep warm? Oh that made your leg worse, who’d of thought it?”

You can’t keep a good man down and I am a good man I have been told so today :).

Keep smiling 🙂

Bring it on then 2014

2013 is over (talk about stating the obvious!)

2014 is here (FFS Jon your intelligence is on fire today dude!)

So what is 2014 going to bring?….. if you read a recent post my answer to that has a lot of swear words in so I will make it a little more pleasant……. I don’t know and don’t really care……. I do care but I will be taking it as it comes, day by day as much as I possibly can and get me a collection of Daily Wins….. hopefully!!

One of the first things I have to do is fill out lots of crappy forms to ensure I can receive my £71.70 per week, yup 1st January 2014 is the day I am officially receiving benefits, previously this would of bothered me a lot!!! I have always worked and over the last few years it has been based around sales in different guises. I have been made redundant a number of times, one time was after 7 days of starting with the company but I always just walked into another job, the reason for this is I am bloody good at what I do,  give me a target and I will smash it. The only target I struggled with is the volume one, but look at any of my figures and you will see volume is not important, quality counts and I brought quality. Hopefully one day telesales companies will realise they have to take the risk, reduce the volume targets and reap the benefits of quality!!!!!!!

The next thing I want to do is get a couple of tattoos, I’ve been banging on about getting a sleeve for a long time, but I can’t afford that at the moment….. I was going to base it around “bad comes good” on my forearm was going to be my “pit of doom” with the “demons” climbing out, I want the demons on my forearm so I could keep an eye on the little bastards at all times. Moving up the arm to a Smile Now Cry Later image, cus this sums up my life for the last 10 years, I don’t think that needs explaining? I would say moving to the “Bicep” area but I need to get me some of them bad boys first so I will just say the top of the arm was going to include lots of good things…. possibly “12 Steps” with the first step being a bright colour to signify that I have got “Step 1”, sobriety symbol, a butterfly (not very manly but very significant!) and a bit of a sunset to signify a new day? A few mansell’isms as well (words I have nicked to make me look thoughtful and deep). The tattoos I have decided on are just going to symbolise “now” and past significant dates. (possibly a stick man???)

After those things I don’t really know what is next (that is a lie but I have to keep a few things to myself).

Doing this blog has been amazing for me, I hope it has helped others as well, I know it has because some of you have told me so, but I also have to bear in mind it has probably damaged a few things for me as well!! My future job prospects and my future relationships being a couple of things that will of been damaged, who is going to want to take the risk to employ or get close to a Mentalist (I know words like that are not good for some people but it is how I cope with it, sorry). I have 2 illnesses…. “Alcoholism” yes in February I will be 11 years soba, but I am still an alcoholic, always have been and always will be, and “Mental”. Both are scary things to normal folk but I can state now for the record: –

Yup, I have issues but I am one of the most decent people you are ever likely to meet, loyal, honest, hard working, giving and of course incredibly handsome, maybe even beautiful!! 🙂

I know,  what a tosser eh! “hey ho” “it is what it is” & “that’s it really”

“that’s it really” is not a mansell’ism, it may become one? I have definitely stolen that one from someone. Unfortunately I didn’t know her for long, I met her through a Mental Health charity called Rethink (look them up, they do good stuff!). The last time I saw her she was really excited about Christmas, she gave me a Christmas card which I now have in a clip frame, she made me promise I would go to my brothers for Christmas day because she didn’t want me to be on my own. I found out on Monday that she had died, before Christmas. We got on instantly, I recongnised her from the area, probably for the wrong reasons. I don’t like putting it like that but I am just being honest, i’m not going to explain, but I got to know her a bit and as Danny Dyer would say “she waz a facking diamond”. During one meeting I was worried I had upset her a bit, but eventually she turned around and said things like “i’m starting to like you, you’re a cheeky one aren’t you”, “you’re trouble aren’t you?”, “you make me laugh, you’re funny”. One day I noticed she hadn’t brought a drink, she was obviously skint so I purchased her a Coke and she didn’t stop saying thank you, that for me, maybe selfishly, is a “gem” moment in my life :). I hope she was as happy as she seemed at the end, looking forward to watching her new DVD (The Croods), looking forward to Christmas and spending time with her family and especially spending more time with her sister and her nephews. I’m going to miss her at our meetings on a Monday……………….. RIP xxx

So….. Bring it on then 2014, your brother, 2013, kicked the shit out of me but I am still standing, your brother kicked the shit out of many people but they are still standing. 2014 you ain’t got nothing that I and others cant deal with, there will be things you bring that will knock us about a bit, but we will come back at you again and again and everyday day we will kick the shit out of you!!

Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down…..

Happy New Year everyone.

Keep smiling 🙂