Tag: friends

I hurt daily

Don’t worry I’m not after sympathy it’s just a fact…. Each and every day I feel pain, excruciating mental pain…. But every single last bit of that pain is worth it as the alternative is something I don’t think about these days!!!!

My whole life I have considered myself a failure, a loser, a waste of a human being, a useless c**t!!!!

I never found anything that I excelled at, I was pretty much shite at everything!!!!

I have now found what I am good at and that is BEING ME…. Who’d of thunk it??

If I never achieve anything else in life I know I have achieved something that money cannot buy…. I received a message (a while back) saying I stopped someone killing themselves and that my blog was one of the only things keeping them going….

Currently I am doing a lot of strange things and making decisions that people think are based on my mania…. A lot of them are…. One of them isn’t!!!!

I’ve purchased a watch today, that I can’t afford, but I wanted something special to remember this FANTASTIC and HORRENDOUS time of my life…. Something other that tattoos (soz Mom x) the next tattoo idea is almost ready to go, needs a little bit of tweaking and drawing properly but it will be something like this: –

image

I’ve spent a lot of time over the last couple of days pulling together the final draft of my “memoir” (that word sucks!), it’s 225 pages and I’m now going to look into self publishing, I have had some great advice already 🙂 . I think the title is going to be: –

@exboozehound – “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep smiling 🙂

#timetotype
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#ReevaluateAdaptChange
#PassionBeliefAcceptance




Should have, Would have, Could have

G’day all, as I have been asked out of the blue recently “how’s it hanging?” Don’t worry you don’t need to answer that!!!! Unfortunately I did answer the question…… But received no response???

Anywhoo….

Below is another guest post from Saf (@safsaf02561914). I’m going to try and keep my gob shut for a short while on this post (if you’ve been here before you will know how difficult this will be for me!!!)

What I will say is the below post is FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!

Thank you Saf xx

Should have, Would have, Could have

Hi everyone, Saf back again with pearls of other peoples wisdom!

This blog is all about the demands and commands we place on ourselves. A wee ( im Scottish) disclaimer: I am not a mental health professional, this blog does not constitute help from a registered professional and is my own musing only.

Ok thats the legal bit over with!

So I have watched some, what I think, are really useful Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) videos lately presented and based on the work of Dr Albert Ellis and one presented by Dr Luann Helms Utah state University (links at the end of the blog). The videos look at CBT and RET (Rational Emotive Therapy) for stress and anxiety among many other mental health conditions. After watching them I was struck by how much I took from them, I have tried CBT before and reflection to varying levels of success but I took a lot from how the ideas in these resources where presented. In all likelihood I wont do these professionals any justice but I hope to share some of their ideas with you.

So to the title of the blog, one major idea that came out of watching the videos was this concept of being trapped by the would, should and coulds. Have you ever berated yourself with the following¦ I should have done that, I could have done this etc etc. Well I’m guessing yes, as it works for the blog so just roll with it. You could be at mercy of demanding and commanding that you and world bend to irrational perfection. To quote RET, the inference or assumption that you MUST have or be something; you MUST succeed , you MUST! Have approval, you MUST be perfect. Dr Albert Ellis speaks about the Dire need to make these happen when in fact you should be looking at Unconditional self-acceptance. Accepting you NO MATTER WHAT, and when Dr Ellis says no matter what he means it. He means, accepting yourself in the absence of the very things you may build your life upon, the absence of success, achievement, approval, talent and the list goes on.

Ellis talks about Irrational and Rational living, Irrational living is living to these infallible commandments that you MUST, yes it would be preferable not to fail, be a screw up , not get that job, or have negative things happen but it is not a MUST. This is irrational and utopian. It creates an overwhelming state of anxiety, setting you up for that inevitable fall. Now, there is nothing wrong with what Ellis terms rational concern. Of course you can be concerned at the habits that are having negative impact on your body or mind, of course you want to better yourself but and its a big but (snigger, sorry I just said big but, get it hmmm anyways) this only entangles you more into a cycle of worrying about the worry you focus so much on the fact you might fail that you have little energy left for actually tackling the issue that may cause the failure or negative consequence in the first place (I have got the t shirt on this one!) . You could live your life in a valuable way should these things not happen. Just because you fail once, does not mean you will fail again and again and even if you fail again and again this still does not mean you are a failure! You rate your actions NOT You! Ellis blows the idea of being a bad person of the water , universal rating; rating yourself as ultimately bad or good is hogwash according to Ellis and Helms. You do bad things; you do good things. Your behaviour will be liked and disliked by others. You decide what fits most with who you want to be. Shame and guilt, Helms states only leads to defining you as the problem. YOU ARE NOT! The things you do may be, these can be changed!

Helms talks about practising feeling a certain way, ask yourself this. if your returning again and again to that one or maybe more than one (if your me!) negative experiences in your day, week, year whatever; you are practising that pain! Now picture yourself rationalising this out, so you feel bad, you dont want to feel this way, so what do you do you go back to what was painful and you relive it over and over again wait.WHAT!!!

Really would you ever, even on a bad day, advise anyone else to do this???

Again, Im guessing but NO!!

Helms also talks about the ideal self, take one mountain (life), a path up that mountain (your journey) and your ideal self at the top. The idea is you are either getting further away from or closer to that ideal self, you never reach it because your ideal self, changes as you gain life experience and grow. What you can do is rate your action (not you!) on how close to your ideal self it takes you, how far up or down that mountain. This helped me put things into perspective and not judge all my actions as utterly terrible or utterly brilliant, both bring their own fall out and pressure. Try to put some space between yourself and IT, whatever it may be. Are you looking at the situation / issue or your interpretation of it. It is our interpretation of an event that calls forth the thoughts and feelings and ultimately how we deal with it. This is huge for me in my anxiety, I’m reactive rather than reflective. I jump to conclusions, assume its my fault or I am the fault. This is not popular, being anxious is not sexy or cool, and it does not inspire confidence in you from others, oops looking for approval again! Helms and Ellis point out that society does judged anxious people as good candidates for jobs, success or life WRONG!

If you can work, and it will be work!, to dial it back a notch or two it is very useful, not only from caveman era when we depended on fear and anxiety to stay alive but also now, it fuels self-development, caring for others, caring for ourselves and helping wider society (its still not a must!, even if you dont do these things you can live a valuable life). Dealing in absolutes and trying to guarantee, well .guarantees is..well good luck with that! In short get better yes, but give yourself the space to do that! Putting to many parameters up and deciding the world owes you, will not get you any further up that mountain. Look at the events that have brought you here, do they still have to upset you? Is being upset about them useful?

Dispute your reaction and interaction with your demons. Are you applying the what if monster or the should haves and could haves? You may not like your situation; it may be painful but is it intolerable? Or can you endure, youd be surprised!

Give up on the demands and commands, accept yourself and maybe you could even reach out and teach others in their turmoil (Hi JON!!, yes Im looking at you!). Above all else, when you can, use humour! (Thanks Dr Ellis).

Link 1
Link 2
Link 3

Yo, exboozehound back again to sign off, told ya FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂




Stick a fork in me I’m done (ish)

Quick and simple post…….. Hopefully?!watch full movie Assassin’s Creed 2016 online

on Thursday a friend put this on Face Book….

“How about just be you mate? Your a smashing guy, you dont need to change, you may have to do a little bit of tweaking from time to time but thats it.”

Yup…. I cried
Nope…. I’m not ashamed of that!

Yesterday I posted this….

On Thursday I shed a few tears

Grrrrrrr I’ve just lost the words I have typed this morning 3 times Grrrrrrr. Patience has run out I may return to this….. Grrrrrrr

Keep smiling 🙂

Right, let’s try again….

Yesterday I posted this….
“On Thursday I shed a few tears

FFS fucking crashed again…. Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!!

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//

Just popping by to say hi…..

Hi all, I just wanted to pop back to say “hi”. I’m still trying to take a back seat for a while, because the last few weeks have made me quite unwell! I’m trying to concentrate (lol) on other stuff. Some of this stuff is exciting, terrifying, upsetting, emotional, unexpected, enjoyable, very very enjoyable 😉 , unbelievable, blowing my mind, frightening and confusing for others, going my way 🙂 , not going my way (but I understand!!) 🙁 . I think you get the picture????

I wanted to mention I have some more guest blogs coming up, one hopefully this week and then others to follow… A number of people from all different sides of the different stories have showed an interest and said they would do a post, you know who you are, so fingers crossed. If you would like to do a guest blog, please let me know 🙂 .

The next bit makes me feel like a bit of a tool, buy hey ho, if that hat fits wear the bastard….

I am writing a book…. (Numpty!!). In fact, I think it will be a memoir as I googled it and I can get away with 60000 words…. I have written 15000 words and asked someone who was very inspirational to me to read it. They have read it and given me some feedback. This person is pretty up front, in a good way, I know they wouldn’t give me any bollox and would tell me straight. I was blown away by the response, below is a few snippets of their feedback.

(Thank you C xx)….

“Just finished it…. …I made a cuppa and read your book. I’m saying book as I totally believe you will finish it and also believe that when you do, your ‘memoir’ will be a snippet of a life you are really about to live….”

“You want my honest opinion? Here goes….”

“I love your language, it’s your speak and makes your reader relate. Yeh there’s a few spellings here and there….”          (Pot/Kettle “yeh”)

“All in all it’s “punched me in the gob” and thank you so so much for allowing me to read it so far. Would I pay for it on kindle? Honestly? Yes”

I can’t follow that with useful words, so I won’t….

Catch you soon.

Keep Smiling 🙂

#timetotype
#ReadReplyRetweetRepeatx4

Guest Post “Tribute to Jon”

Had to prefix the title with “Guest Post”. “Tribute to Jon”  is not a title I could use!! People would think “oooh look at him!!”
 (I couldn’t think of another way of saying that without some pretty unpleasant swear words…… and i’m trying to mature??)

Without further a do, here is a guest post from my Twitter buddy Alex, Peace Out Dude (double chest pump)

Tribute to Jon. Man who taught me the word Noggin (plus other things!!!)

I think Jon’s was the first blog I have ever followed. I think so. It was definitely one of the first 2 or 3, if not the first. I came into contact with him not long after I joined Twitter which I think was Dec 2013. I just noticed his blog from looking at the list of people another Twitter pal was following. I think I responded to a comment someone had made on his blog asking him to “man up” and “stop moaning”. I remember Jon handling that comment really well. I then read about his 10 years plus of being off the booze and I was hooked on his blog! That and the Twitter profile picture he had at the time that reminded me of Charles Bronson (the notorious convict) LOL.

image
The old Twitter profile

I’m a student mental health nurse (first year). Jon doesn’t seem to mind me “representing” the NHS in some ways. He is often sounding off about the NHS and like anyone, he is entitled to voice his opinion, which for him is based on his experience of the NHS.

I was honoured when he asked if I’d consider writing a “guest blog”. I am not a blogger and the blogging world is very new to me. I had a completely different idea of what to write earlier today. I’m waiting an essay result tonight (Friday) from my University degree and am very anxious about it and was going to write a blog called “F*** this Anxiety”, but I am not sure how relevant it would have been to his blog to be honest, so I had a rethink.

It’s possible this is a cop out and I’ve ended up writing more about him than me here. I think when I am bit more “up and running” and confident with writing about myself or writing about something that would really interest his readers I will ask him if I can do another piece on here.

However for now, I’d like to make this more about him than me. There’s other reasons for this. He has just completed 11 years sober. That achievement speaks for itself. No need for me to add words like amazing, fantastic and wonderful when we all already know that. He’s been a good person for me to get to know as he has, and will continue to hopefully, teach me a thing or two about addiction. I’ve worked in the mental health field for many years, and supported people with addictions, but I’ve never really specialised in addiction work and so my general mental health knowledge is much stronger than my knowledge in addiction.

This is also the guy that was my inspiration behind getting involved with DryAthlon. That was basically eliminating booze for January 2014 to raise funds for Cancer Research. He even sponsored me £10 which was the 2nd highest figure I got and he has never even met me! Plus I know he is operating on a limited budget, so I was a bit blown away with that. Jon is also the person responsible for me coming into contact with someone on twitter called Judy @HeyJudeusa. He had pointed me in the direction of an interview she gave about losing her son to mental illness. Since then I’ve had a few chats with her on-line and am really happy to have become acquainted with her.

Oh, and Noggin. I believe that’s Jon’s word for his “mind” or his “brain”, although I might stand to be corrected on that! It might even be a true word for all I know. Often I’m not sure if some of his words are “the language of Jon” or actual words that I haven’t heard of LOL.Watch movie online The Transporter Refueled (2015)

Peace Out

Alex
@AJ628studentMH

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The Evolution Of Awesome Lady

A guest post from a new friend

“The Evolution Of Awesome Lady”streaming film The Danish Girl 2015

The Internet can be a truly amazing place. “World Wide Web” is a pretty apt name when you really think about it. Little spiders we are, placed perfectly in our own part of the world, yet interconnected and able to reach each other if we know which way to spin our next sticky thread.

Recently, my crazy love of music, helping others and the aforementioned “web” have combined to take me to some pretty wild and unexpected places! One such adventure started the day I was checking my Twitter account, where I anonymously retweet words that I find upbeat and inspiring (you can follow me at @just_zen if you are so inclined). That day an RT by Billy Idol (@BillyIdol) (thank you for the music Mr Broad and also for my newfound friend Jon!) happened to catch my eye. Billy was retweeting a blog and something about the blogger’s name “exboozehound.co.uk” caught my attention. It was truly a serendipitous moment as it resonated with an issue in my own life at the time. I love learning, so I clicked through to Jon’s blog and started reading!

Soon after I began reading, it became obvious to me that Jon’s blog was not just about booze. It was a melting pot for all mental health issues, including depression. “I know about that!” I thought to myself! And as my mother would always say to me growing up, “You just have to put your two cents’ worth in, don’t you!” (I could be a very critical, snarky child, especially when my parents’ behaviour didn’t align with what they were telling me I should be doing.) I felt an overwhelming need to contact Jon, compliment him on his bravery for sharing his story and then, well yes, LOL, put my 2p in!

Hence started our little chats about life and what it means to be content, positive and all those good things. It was after one of those chats that Jon bestowed the nickname “Awesome Lady” upon me (but we’ll get to that).

You see the thing is, I wasn’t always awesome…

Issues such as mental illness and alcoholism have plagued me my entire life. I’ve either been the direct sufferer or the “passive sufferer”. My parents’ drinking problems tainted my childhood and forced me to “grow up” far too soon, I have a sister with a serious incurable psychiatric illness and my own anxiety and depression took up way too much of twenties. If only I could have charged those feelings rent for the headspace they occupied for so long, LOL! But please do not pity me as it is because of all these things that I am resilient, loving and grateful today. My point in revealing this is simply to clarify why I feel qualified to speak on this topic.

My defining “light bulb mental health moment” (and I believe we do all eventually have them, so if you are reading this and suffering in some way, please don’t lose hope) came the day I realised that the opposite of depression was not happiness! This elusive destination – “happiness” – this abstract state of permanent euphoria that I thought would cure all my woes was not the answer to all the uncomfortable feelings I was experiencing! The opposite of depression, I discovered, was…drum roll… GRATITUDE!! Put simply, stop whinging, find what you do have and be bloody thankful that you have at least that! And it was in explaining this idea to Jon that I gained the nickname “Awesome Lady”. If you would like to know more on my thoughts about gratitude, I am sure that Jon, being the gentleman he is, might insert a hyperlink back to the blog post he dedicated our conversation about it here. “Gratitude” and “Love” are my mantras these days and have been for a long time now.

Gentleman???…. here’s the link anyway…. Gentleman???

We all have our light bulb moments. Be patient. Whether you are suffering or you are the “passive” sufferer who watches and feels the pain of a loved one suffering, please don’t give up. Never give up. Getting back up just one more time than you fall is all it takes. You could fall 100 times, but as long as you get back up that 100th time then you have won.

And to finish, just a final word on gratitude. If this sounds like something you might want to experiment with, here’s a little tip. You can really speed your own gratitude along by helping others.

Try it.

You might meet someone awesome along the way – someone like Jon. 😉

Awesome Lady x

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My mates rock!

It is currently 23:53, I’ve just got back from “The Pole” but I have to write….. I was gunna title this post “fuck me I’ve got something fucking awesome mates!!” But I’m more civilised now and swears are wrong, well swears are wrong in titles, the rest of this post will be littered with swears 🙂 .

Over the last few days I have caught up with a number of mates on a one to one basis, fucking weird we were talking like we were adults, talking about feelings and shit….WTF??? We have talked about some pretty deep shit but we have also had a good laugh!! Tonight I decided I would go over the Pole as I knew there were a couple of the guys there, there were more than a couple there were a good number. We had a laugh we talked a little bit about me being a mentalist and an alcoholic, but only a small part of the night was about that, most of it was playing a fucking complicated game of darts and talking bollox….

Some of the guys we are talking about I have known since play school, I think they are all aware of this blog and the fact I am an official nut job but they couldn’t give a shit, in a good way!!! I played one of the guys at squash earlier, I am a far superior master of the art of squash (even if I do say myself) but I have to admit he took a game off me….. This will not happen again!! I’m not making excuses, he played better in that game, but my noggin had gone off line a bit and having a good old buzz, I had twinges through my head and body. When that game finished I went to the front wall picked up my jacket and walked off court saying “just give me a minute” at this point I had my jacket over my head!! I wondered about a bit outside the court, gave a little shout, still with my jacket over my head, shook off the shit and went back on court. I must of looked like a proper nut job, but “B” didn’t question it we just started playing again. How cool is that!!! Me and my mates are not what you would call the most sensitive bunch of guys, if I’m honest I would say outsiders looking in would think we were a bunch of c**ts, but we know the score, abuse/banter is the name of the game….

Amongst these guys is a mate that got his jaw broken because of me, one of them I’ve always been convinced thought I was a proper c**t, I think he was one of the first to shake my hand. Some of the guys there I don’t know very well, I would imagine they had historically thought I was a bit of a c**t! I am certain that at some point or another I have done something to each of them that has fucked them off good a proper, because, and I’m not going to use *’s on this one so look away if you are easily offended, because when I drank I was a CUNT!!

We agreed on who it was who had said “get Mans a pint of cider it will be entertaining”, I did my usual thing of calling myself a loony, mentalist, nut job etc. There was a short discussion on alcoholic, recovering alcoholic, recovered alcoholic, I spouted a bit of my alcoholic wisdom. At one point I was on the floor demonstrating the plank. I had a good night and booze didn’t bother me one bit, it smelled lovely and I wanted it but I know I can’t, I think I will always miss booze but me and booze don’t mix well!!!!Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

So what’s the point of this post? Partly I want the guys to know how awesome they are, I want them to know it was me who walked away it wasn’t them not getting in touch. I found out this week that a guy who dipped in and out of the group had said to my brother that he thought “the group should of done more to help me”. Absolute bollox!!! I want them to know if any of them think like that at all, to understand that is absolute bollox. In fact they couldn’t of done anything more, they kept me alive. If they had tried to stop me drinking I would of gone elsewhere to drink, I might of ended up with the wrong crowd and gone off in a whole different direction. I know this for a fact because I did used to go off drinking by myself in pubs and came across some fucking unpleasant people and did some fucking unpleasant things!!!

So guys if you are reading this, thank you for being awesome and thank you for being c**ts (in a good way!!).

Also if you can please say sorry to all your wife’s cus I’m pretty sure I will of fucked them off as well!!

There is another point to this post…. I am mentally ill but I’m not ashamed of that, I ain’t happy about it I wish I wasn’t but I am so it has to be dealt with. Now I have accepted this fact and started to address it properly and am honest with everyone the world is such a better place, I want to be alive!!

If you are Mentally Ill, no matter what level of Mental Illness you have, fucking talk about it, type about it (#timetotype), if people have a problem with it, it’s their problem, fuck em off they aren’t worth it. Mentally Ill people are just Ill!! According to definition Mental Illness isn’t a terminal Illness….. Fucking book monkeys ain’t got a clue!!! If you are not honest, if you hide it, if you just try to strap on a pair, if you deny it, if you don’t ask for help, if you don’t get that help there is a strong chance that your “none terminal illness” will turn out to be just that!!

You will end up dead with alcoholism and/or Mental Illness, if not dead just simply proper fucked up with no return!!!

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep smiling 🙂

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This is me

G’day, if you have been to this blog before……
You will know I never know where a post is going to go, I like this fact because it means it’s not planned so must be true.
You will also know I often contradict myself, I like this fact because it means it is my feelings at the time so must be true.

This post is different, I know where this post is going, I know I shouldn’t be typing right now because I have no filter to say “you can’t say that!”

First let me ask you a small favour, imagine I am on my knees and I am begging, if you think I am an good guy or if you think I’m a tosser PLEASE PLEASE SHARE, RT, REPOST, EMAIL, TALK ANYTHING YOU CAN DO TO ENSURE ANOTHER PERSON IS AWARE OF THIS POST!!!

I am going to reintroduce myself, I am Jon, I am “exboozehound”, I am not PC, What I am has many descriptions a number of them are: –
Nut job
Mentalist
Nutter
Bonkers
Mad as a bucket of frogs
Etc etc

I am also an alcoholic, an alcoholic that has been soba (sorry mom sober) almost 11 years, but I choose to still call myself an alcoholic, many disagree with this, I don’t care!

I am 40, I am 6 foot tall, I have a younger brother who is taller, slimmer and better looking than me (I disagree with the last bit, but others don’t 🙁 ), I’m about 13 stone (maybe a smidge over?), I have size 12 feet 😉 (that’s a lie 🙁 ), I smoke (although officially I gave up in January), I am in love with someone but complications keep us apart, I’m awesome at squash, I’ve just completed the 30 day plank challenge, I did 20 press ups today, I did 5 chin ups last night, I have decided I am going to start skate boarding (I kid you not… Stoked man gunna get me a sick board), I am a very talented photographer 😉 , I love the Happy record, I hate the fact I love the Happy record and I am a bad influence on my two awesome nephews… Think that will do…. Are you still with me??

As we all know people with mental illness are weak, pathetic and dangerous. They should just pull themselves together, strap on a pair or just have a nice holiday….. ABSOLUTE BOLLOX!!!!! We are strong, courageous and only dangerous to ourselves. We try everyday to pull ourselves together, I have a pair (thank you very much) and a nice holiday can make things worse!!! Some people with mental illness become dangerous because they don’t get any treatment or perhaps more importantly the correct treatment. I’m not going to talk about specifics but we all watch the news.

Amongst other things I posted this on Facebook today: –
“It’s the attitude of a winner….. Although the whole of my life I have considered myself a loser, I now KNOW I AM A WINNER!! There is a perception that people with mental illness are weak, soft, dangerous…. None of that is true, speaking for myself I am STRONG, PERHAPS GENTLE AND NEVER EVER DANGEROUS (only to myself, but those times have passed!!). There ain’t nothing I can’t handle, NOTHING! X”

I have some statistics for you, I know booooring! I also know statistics can prove anything you want them to!!! These may not be completely accurate but I lost concentration and just went with the first ones I could find: –

Great Britain population – 63,000,000
Great Britain population under 18 – 13,860,000
Great Britain eligible voters – 49,140,000
65% of eligible voters vote – 31,941,000
1 in 4 of those votes are made
by people with mental illness – 7,985,250

1 in 4 have Mental illness (63mill x 25%) – 15,750,000
Let’s say each of those mentally
ill have 3 family members (so 4?) – 63,000,000

I’m not actually sure what my point is here but I think you will agree there is something interesting in those figures???

So, with those sort of statistics how is it us mentalist are being treated like fucking pointless morons, how is it we are given the wrong medication, how is it we are killing ourselves, how is it that mental illness isn’t as important as physical illness, how is it that stigma still exists, how is it we are sent home from A&E, how is it I was not just sent home but told I shouldn’t of gone there, how is it that your reputation can be affected your reputation isn’t affected if you have a physical illness, how is it that it takes months to see a proper noggin doc, how is it that I am having to make myself ill by continuing with a formal complaint with the NHS, how is it right that people within the NHS actually asked me to complain, how is it that the NHS think they can write me a bullshit letter and think I will go away, how is it that when I phoned a CRISIS LINE I got an automated message saying the mail box is full and you cannot leave a message, how is it I can be given a CRISIS LINE number and when I ring it the person who answers says because I’m not known to them I can’t talk to anyone, how is it when I called another CRISIS LINE it was engaged twice!! (I have to say at this point when they did phone back the lady was awesome), how is it that some GP’s give advice that is absolute bollox, how is it that when my GP faxed a local mental health centre to say he was concerned about the fact I had planned to kill myself the day before it took them two days to phone me, how is it that I now have two meetings in the next couple of weeks with my local MP and the NHS about my complaint, how is it that the guy I met from the NHS was genuinely caring and concerned but his boss is obviously a muppet with no clue about mental illness, how is it that muppet probably gets paid a ridiculous amount of money and I have to live on ESA because the NHS faffed about so much, how is it that the NHS actually made my illness worse (FACT!), how is it that if I had just relied on the NHS to help me I would be dead by now, how is it that I hear stories of people who have actually killed themselves because the NHS were shit in 2003 and are still shit now, how is it that mental illness is not considered a terminal illness, how is it that when I typed into Google “what’s the best way to” the fist option it gave was “die” and on the first page it talked about methods of suicide, how is it the these fucking MP’s are still getting away with spouting out absolute bollox when they know they will never fix the NHS because it’s not in their interest……….watch film Woman in Gold now

There are so many more things I could put in the section above, it is a fucking disgrace!!!

Why did I ask you at the start to post, share, email etc etc, because through Twitter, Facebook and this blog I have met people that know these illnesses inside out, I can read them like a book and they can read me like a book. A lady I have never met and have only been aware of for a week or so sent me a DM on Facebook because she could spot from simple posts that I was struggling. I have received loads of private messages from people who are suffering but are too ashamed to speak out. I believe I have destroyed my chance of ever having a proper job again, anyone who reads my words would never employ me and I don’t blame them. Will people ever be able to trust me 100%, I’m a mentalist I could be dangerous! Most of these book monkeys know fuck all, I seem to of got lucky because my psychiatrist appears to be human and able to speak English not just the language of book bollox.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY IMPERATIVE THAT WE JOIN TOGETHER ALL THE PEOPLE WHO DO ACTUALLY KNOW MENTAL ILLNESS, WHETHER IT BE INDIVIDUALS, CHARITIES, HELP GROUPS, WEBSITES, TWITTER ACCOUNTS, FACEBOOK ACCOUNTS, BLOGS, GOOD NOGGIN DOCS, MENTALISTS, NORMALS, AND SO ON. IF WE ALL KEEP PULLING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS WE WILL STILL BE FUCKED IN ANOTHER 10 YEARS!!!

Here comes the delusional bit:-
I made a pledge on the Time To Change Pledge Wall and I am going to 100% honour that pledge…
Jon exboozehound.co.uk
I pledge to do everything possible to help people and to make the NHS provide a proper joined up Mental Health Service

Here comes the weird bit:-
I always thought clairvoyance was bollox but last week my Mom went to see one and here is what the clairvoyant said about me….

“He will choose a new direction/new career, this would be to help other people over a wide area who are suffering as he was and to help them understand there illness better”

image

It is time to stop fucking about with this.

It is time to do something.

We can make a difference!!!!

Keep smiling 🙂

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Facebook, Friends and Fate

A guest post from a new friend, please also click below to read Judy’s Q&A with www.mensdepression.org

Interview with Judy Fryer, mother who lost her son to depression

Facebook, Friends and Fate

I have been thinking lately, that I love the’ best of ‘ FaceBook! Not keen on the rubbish one sometimes comes across but maybe one person’s rubbish is another person’s interest…. who am I to say. The ‘ best of ‘ for me, is keeping in touch with friends and family worldwide. Viewing their photographs, getting snippets of their life and knowing how they are doing.

Another thing I love to do on FaceBook is to find all kinds of informative pages. My particular interest is Mental Health. I have learned loads from internet websites. It’s amazing what one can find out and what and who you can meet. Guess who I met in this way…..JON….he had written a great piece for Men’s Depression, an American website. I was fascinated by Jon’s story and it struck many chords with me. We have found we have much in common, although I am old enough to be his mother!

I feel as if we have struck up a friendship which I hope will last. A friendship born out of sharing our mutual heartache. Who would ever have imagined. Jon has already got a special place in my heart and I care about him. I get him and I want to see him flourish and prosper and reach the serenity he so much desires and deserves.Watch Froning The Fittest Man In History (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

I guess fate has brought us together. I hope I can be a great friend to Jon and make some small difference in his life. He has made a difference in mine already, he challenges my perceptions, makes me laugh and causes me to think carefully how I view certain aspects of life.

Long live our friendship Jon!

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2nd Psychiatrist appointment Wednesday

As the title suggests my second psychiatrist appointment is almost here and it has me a little wound up…. I should be able to remember when I last saw him but I can’t, think it was end of November beginning of December I could look the date up but I can’t be arsed…..

Why am I wound up? I don’t know really there are various reasons, I guess he will be able to tell me on Wednesday, but I am going to use this post to try and work out why I am wound up. This goes against a lot of things I have said in the past but it is important I get as much out of my second appointment as possible…..

The last time is saw him, I was quite impressed, he had me talking about stuff I have never spoken about, he had me crying and he had me being about as honest as I have ever been able to be with a noggin doctor. He put up my meds to the top dose and talked about another drug we might try next time if needed. All good really, nice guy, seemed to know what he was doing and eventually had a positive effect on me…. I say eventually because I think it stressed me out a bit for a while last time, but overall positive, I think?

I’m concerned he is gunna say stuff like “tell me about your childhood” and “how did that make you feel” etc etc, but the truth is there was nothing wrong with my childhood. I don’t actually remember a lot, I get confused when I here people say stuff like “my first memory was when I was about 3…..” WTF???? How the hell do you remember that stuff, I don’t….. I can tell stories from my childhood, but I think that is because they are stories that are told over and over again, I don’t actually remember them, this makes me a little sad. If you have read other blogs about booze and mental illness I guess you will of read “I always thought there was something different about me as a child, I never felt like I fitted in anywhere, I always felt on the edge of everything, I could feel lonely in a crowded room etc….” Might sound like bollox but I know they are real feelings, these are probably the only things I do remember. If he starts asking stuff like that I will just be honest, it’s the way I roll these days.

I am also concerned because I had a letter from the chief executive of my local NHS mental health trust this week with the “FINDINGS” (LMFAO!) from the investigation into my formal complaint (click here for details if you have some spare time!). I don’t think it is wise for me to go into my feelings and thoughts on these findings, all I will say is “NOT IMPRESSED!!!! AND THE FIRST GUY I MET WITH WAS REALLY GOOD AND I FELT COMPLETELY GENUINE BUT THE CHIEF EXECUTIVES LETTER HAS UNDONE ANY TRUST I HAD IN THE INVESTIGATION!” I will leave it there, I have already had a rant on social media and sent a message to the local trust…. Oh just one more thing, there is a week between the date on the letter and the post mark on the envelope, nope I’m not making it up, UN FUCKING BELIEVABLE! I have a letter assuring me that my complaint will in no way effect the treatment/therapy I receive, I do not believe this and I can prove it has effected my treatment/therapy but I’m keeping that bit to myself for now.

I’m concerned because although I accept I just have an illness, I don’t bloody want it, it’s hard work. I am going to give you an example of why it is hard work, I want to preempt this by saying my issues are my issues, I would not be where I am today without the support of my family!! They have been amazing! Although it is important I have therapy and I take meds I have no hesitation in saying the NHS has mainly hindered my recovery, where I am today is down to family, friends new and old and the strength inside me!

So the example… I have changed my mind I’m not going to give an example, but what I will say is because I speak about my mental health and my family and friends support me I am able to just be me and if I need to walk away for a couple of minutes or leave suddenly no-one questions it they just accept it. This gives me a lot of strength, this allows me to “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”, this allows me to start to “Find Jon a Serene Jon” (there is a message within that and there is only one person that will understand it :p). Because of the support of family and friends I am beginning to find Jon and there is definitely serenity emerging, I never liked whoever that Jon was before and could never understand why people did like him. I don’t want you to read that as a negative or think “fucking nut job” I want you to read that as a positive. I will never be a born again Christian but I am a born again Jon, I am a born again exboozehound. I have a couple of new tattoos they are simply “exboozehound”, “1973”, “2003” and “2013”. We know exboozehound is me, but what about the dates, they are the years I was born: –

1973 – year I was born
2003 – year I gave up booze and was born again
2013 – year I finally went dolallytap and was born again because I finally had to address the shit I tried to hide for 20 years.

Good place to end I think?

Keep smiling 🙂