Tag: mental illness

Angry

I only posted yesterday so this might be too early to post again but today I am angry, today I am feeling sorry for myself, today I am questioning if I am a good person, today I’ve fucking had enough!!

There will be some language to follow so I will apologise now…..

First lets get something straight…. Yes I have had enough, yes I feel I cannot take this shit anymore, yes I feel desperate but NO, STILL NO THOUGHTS OF I MUST END MY LIFE!!!! Thankfully they are history, hopefully for good!!!!! Those thoughts being history is awesome but I will tell you one thing for sure it has got absolutely fuck all to do with the NHS, if the NHS was all the support I had there would be no exboozehound blog, there would be no exboozehound, he would be gone by now. There are many reasons why I am still here, my Mom, my Dad, my Brother, my Sister in law, my Nephews, my Aunt, my Nan, my cats, my new friends from this blog, my friends (actual and social media) and a guy named Danny Baker who I found on Twitter…. The other reason I am still here is “ME”, yes i’m a bit fucked up but I wont give up….. no fucking way!!

I am fully aware people will defend the NHS, but I am not going to apologise for anything on this post apart from the language….

It’s not just the Mental Health part of the NHS its the whole lot, someone I know has just been treated like a piece of meat in Russells Hall Hospital, Dudley, West Midlands, DY1 2HQ. Each department seems to be a separate country with absolutely no way of communicating with each other.

Lets be honest this government, the government before and the following government will NEVER fix the NHS, it’s not in their interest, it’s too expensive…… if it was a factory it would of been shut down fucking years ago.

My NHS story is on here somewhere, i’m not going to go over it again but to sum up they might of well just bent me over a table and fucked me….. Yes I am speaking with good people now that are investigating my complaints and I have now seen a psychiatrist and will shortly be starting some therapy and yes they will now go to work on me and sort me out but if they had done something useful back in June, maybe back in January, maybe years back I wouldn’t be ranting on here today, I would probably be moaning about my first day back at work in 2014. Asking for help is a difficult thing to do, when you ask for help you should not have to wait months to get some help and my story is nothing in comparison to others I now know of, my months waiting would be classed as a slick operation……..

My Mental Health is mainly to blame as to why I am where I am today, my “i’m a man, men don’t cry” bollox has something to answer for as well but and this is a huge BUT the NHS is culpable in a big way!!!!

I think that will do, I want to say so much more but my concentration has gone.

We are lucky to have an NHS I know that, but if the doors aren’t open and there’s no connected stuff inside what the fucks the point???????

“Oh you have a broken leg, we could put it in plaster but I just need to check with 15 departments. It is a bit cold in here, why don’t you run around and do some star jumps to keep warm? Oh that made your leg worse, who’d of thought it?”

You can’t keep a good man down and I am a good man I have been told so today :).

Keep smiling 🙂

Bring it on then 2014

2013 is over (talk about stating the obvious!)

2014 is here (FFS Jon your intelligence is on fire today dude!)

So what is 2014 going to bring?….. if you read a recent post my answer to that has a lot of swear words in so I will make it a little more pleasant……. I don’t know and don’t really care……. I do care but I will be taking it as it comes, day by day as much as I possibly can and get me a collection of Daily Wins….. hopefully!!

One of the first things I have to do is fill out lots of crappy forms to ensure I can receive my £71.70 per week, yup 1st January 2014 is the day I am officially receiving benefits, previously this would of bothered me a lot!!! I have always worked and over the last few years it has been based around sales in different guises. I have been made redundant a number of times, one time was after 7 days of starting with the company but I always just walked into another job, the reason for this is I am bloody good at what I do,  give me a target and I will smash it. The only target I struggled with is the volume one, but look at any of my figures and you will see volume is not important, quality counts and I brought quality. Hopefully one day telesales companies will realise they have to take the risk, reduce the volume targets and reap the benefits of quality!!!!!!!

The next thing I want to do is get a couple of tattoos, I’ve been banging on about getting a sleeve for a long time, but I can’t afford that at the moment….. I was going to base it around “bad comes good” on my forearm was going to be my “pit of doom” with the “demons” climbing out, I want the demons on my forearm so I could keep an eye on the little bastards at all times. Moving up the arm to a Smile Now Cry Later image, cus this sums up my life for the last 10 years, I don’t think that needs explaining? I would say moving to the “Bicep” area but I need to get me some of them bad boys first so I will just say the top of the arm was going to include lots of good things…. possibly “12 Steps” with the first step being a bright colour to signify that I have got “Step 1”, sobriety symbol, a butterfly (not very manly but very significant!) and a bit of a sunset to signify a new day? A few mansell’isms as well (words I have nicked to make me look thoughtful and deep). The tattoos I have decided on are just going to symbolise “now” and past significant dates. (possibly a stick man???)

After those things I don’t really know what is next (that is a lie but I have to keep a few things to myself).

Doing this blog has been amazing for me, I hope it has helped others as well, I know it has because some of you have told me so, but I also have to bear in mind it has probably damaged a few things for me as well!! My future job prospects and my future relationships being a couple of things that will of been damaged, who is going to want to take the risk to employ or get close to a Mentalist (I know words like that are not good for some people but it is how I cope with it, sorry). I have 2 illnesses…. “Alcoholism” yes in February I will be 11 years soba, but I am still an alcoholic, always have been and always will be, and “Mental”. Both are scary things to normal folk but I can state now for the record: –

Yup, I have issues but I am one of the most decent people you are ever likely to meet, loyal, honest, hard working, giving and of course incredibly handsome, maybe even beautiful!! 🙂

I know,  what a tosser eh! “hey ho” “it is what it is” & “that’s it really”

“that’s it really” is not a mansell’ism, it may become one? I have definitely stolen that one from someone. Unfortunately I didn’t know her for long, I met her through a Mental Health charity called Rethink (look them up, they do good stuff!). The last time I saw her she was really excited about Christmas, she gave me a Christmas card which I now have in a clip frame, she made me promise I would go to my brothers for Christmas day because she didn’t want me to be on my own. I found out on Monday that she had died, before Christmas. We got on instantly, I recongnised her from the area, probably for the wrong reasons. I don’t like putting it like that but I am just being honest, i’m not going to explain, but I got to know her a bit and as Danny Dyer would say “she waz a facking diamond”. During one meeting I was worried I had upset her a bit, but eventually she turned around and said things like “i’m starting to like you, you’re a cheeky one aren’t you”, “you’re trouble aren’t you?”, “you make me laugh, you’re funny”. One day I noticed she hadn’t brought a drink, she was obviously skint so I purchased her a Coke and she didn’t stop saying thank you, that for me, maybe selfishly, is a “gem” moment in my life :). I hope she was as happy as she seemed at the end, looking forward to watching her new DVD (The Croods), looking forward to Christmas and spending time with her family and especially spending more time with her sister and her nephews. I’m going to miss her at our meetings on a Monday……………….. RIP xxx

So….. Bring it on then 2014, your brother, 2013, kicked the shit out of me but I am still standing, your brother kicked the shit out of many people but they are still standing. 2014 you ain’t got nothing that I and others cant deal with, there will be things you bring that will knock us about a bit, but we will come back at you again and again and everyday day we will kick the shit out of you!!

Weebles wobble, but they don’t fall down…..

Happy New Year everyone.

Keep smiling 🙂

Are You Winning?

I Tweeted this today and I wonder if other people feel the same about the daily battle with or without Mental Illness?

UntitledAlthough I keep winning the daily battle and will keep on winning, it is very tiring and very painful. I know I am winning because for a short while now the only suicidal thoughts I have had is that i’m not having suicidal thoughts. 🙂 There are other intrusive thoughts in my head from time to time but not the big ones. I’ve  been thinking for a while I can’t wait until 2013 is out of the way because it’s been a pretty shite year, but I realised last night this could be a dangerous way to think….. lets face it nothing is going to change over night just like that, the only way it will change over night is through our own thoughts and the changes we make. We can decide to approach each day in a more positive way and that would be a perfect idea if I actually believed I currently had complete control of my thoughts, I have a lot more control than I did a couple of months ago but from time to time I haven’t got a clue what is going on in my noggin.

I haven’t had a major buzzing in the head session for a while, not that I can remember anyway but last night at about 11 as I was getting into bed a switch just seemed to switch in my head and away I went off to the land of nutjob, sitting in the dark with my hands on my head rocking backward and forward crying like a baby, the emotional desperation and pain running through me, trying to destroy me again. If you are reading this and understand what I am on about, I feel for you because it is extremely unpleasant!!!

The reason this post is titled “Are you winning?” is I would like to know if you are winning and what you are doing to ensure those daily wins. I know there are people out there that read the blog but don’t like to put comments on for other people to see, so let me know on Twitter via DM or put on comment on here (there’s a little “Leave a comment link” below the post Title) and note you don’t want it to be seen, all comments have to be approved by me before they go onto the blog and I can keep them private.

So…

Why did you have a short trip to the land of nutjob again last night Jon? I have absolutely no fucking idea and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, “it is what it is”. What I do know is I managed to have more control over it last night and I probably have to change a few things up again to level myself out a bit.

What things have you got to change Jon? I have absolutely no fucking idea and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, “it is what it is”. What I do know is that it could be something as silly as putting my right sock on before my left sock, in fact i’m gunna give that a go.

Whats 2014 going to bring Jon? I have absolutely no fucking idea and I couldn’t give a flying fuck, “it is what is is”. What I do know is absolutely fucking nothing and couldn’t give a flying fuck.

I think you might be starting to see a pattern forming??

I am winning, I know I am and I want to help others win as well (might be delusional thinking but I bet you can guess what I think about that!!) (hint – see above). I am in pain, I don’t like me, I “know” other people don’t like me, i’m a failure at life, I was a proper C**T when I was drinking, all in all I have been a waste of a human being!!!!

However…. Sometimes I’m not in pain, Sometimes I like me, Sometimes I “know” other people like me, I’m not a failure at life because I am still fighting, I was still a proper “C**T when I was drinking but I don’t drink now, all in all the chances are I won’t be a waste of a human being!!!!

There’s stuff I want, there’s places I want to go, there’s people I want around me and of course I want to be well!!! Will this all happen in 2014, see above for the answer to that…. the only difference being that I COULD give a flying fuck. I can’t set them as goals at the moment, but I will do everything within my power and that’s my power not a fucking “power greater than me” to make them happen.

So….

Tell me, Are You Winning?

Enjoy the good and ride out the bad

It is what it is

What will be will be

Keep fighting

Keep Smiling 🙂

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Play Acting

Play Acting has been a very important tool in my life and I’m sure it has been, and is, in other peoples lives with or without mental illness. It keeps you going and taking part in “Normal Life” but, for me, eventually it became too tiring and confusing. I still have to do it at times but a lot less these days.

To the question ” are you OK?” the answer would always be something like “Yeah cool”, these days I am more often honest and say “No, not really but I will be”. Although I am doing this blog, me answering in this way is not me after attention and sympathy, it is not me doing the old “woe is me” thing, it is just the truth and I find that truth incredibly freeing. (Give it a go and say F**K OFF to “English Pleasantries”).

The reason for this post is a question my Dad put to me yesterday, “you seemed to of been fine over the last couple of days it hasn’t all been play acting has it?” and my Mom texted “u seem 2 have coped quite well”…… No, it hasn’t all been play acting and I have coped better than I thought I would and most of that is down to the people around me. My family and friends all know I am unwell and they seem to be happy to just accept that, they help when I ask but they accept that I might disappear suddenly and that I might be quite for a while (I think they actually enjoy the “quite” thing cus I do tend to talk a lot of bollox!!). Yesterday I had been invited to go over to my cousins and I really wanted to go, but in the end I just couldn’t as I wasn’t feeling too good in the noggin, it’s a shame but “it is what it is” when you find the courage to speak about your mental illness most people accept it and so they should because at the end of the day it is just an illness if I had a broken leg I wouldn’t be expected to drive to a get together, I have a Mental Illness and mentally I could not cope with lots of people yesterday.

Yesterday I posted on Face Book: –

“Starting to see the point of them sprog things… Yesterday my older nephew wanted to sit by me at lunch and today my younger nephew wanted to sit next to me aswell, earlier i did his insulin injection for him and when I popped down my bro’s to rob all the ingredients for tea the littleun just came up to me and gave me a hug… Turned a strange day into a top day :)” 

A friend of mine has got a nipper that seems to like me, I bought him a Santa’s Little Helper costume for Christmas, at first he cried when the hat was put on, so I put it on my head and he laughed. He then spent the next 15 minutes running around like a nutter and when the hat fell off (I think on purpose) he kept coming to me to put the hat back on……. Priceless 🙂

So…. to the point of this post……. Don’t hide your Mental Illness, yes you will probably have to do some “Play Acting” at times but you can be honest as well and that honesty will free you, hopefully? Being Mentally Ill is nothing to be ashamed of “it is what it is” you are ill, you haven’t asked for it and you definitely don’t enjoy it and the “attention and sympathy” it brings you!!! You can do something about it, you can fight, ask for help and take that help. You can try everything possible to give you a better chance whatever that is, if someone told me that if I stood in a bucket of custard for 10 minutes a day it would cure my Mental Illness, I would do it :). If it stopped working I would try something else.

Accept that you are unwell and there is something you can do about it, be honest, talk about it (even those things that seem bonkers to you in your head might make sense to others) and keep fighting!!!

Keep Smiling 🙂

Merry Christmas….. Bah Humbug

G’day all, the day is here…….aarrgghh!! This is the day you have been dreading for weeks, maybe even months but it is here and the world hasn’t and wont end…. it’s just a day!

Personally I have been fairly ill (mentally) over the last few days, i’m not sure if it’s the drugs (prescription!) or today, I have been manic for days, everything has been going at 100 miles an hour, emotions have been up and down….. a lot!!! During a really strong manic, anxious, shaking, “i’m mad”, “I can’t take this anymore”, “whats the point”, “I’m useless” etc etc… phase recently I noticed the only thought about suicide I had had was “I haven’t thought about suicide” WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!! Then I thought back…. I was in Asda car park the other day and I didn’t think about a trip to the top and a very quick trip back down again WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!….. Driving on the motorway the other day I didn’t think about putting the car into the barrier I just smiled about the destination WTF!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!

Sorry about the lack of *’s in the following language…

This is Fucking awesome Fucking progress 🙂

I went to my first AA meeting in years last night, not because I am worried about the booze (Step 1 translated to exboozehound language.. Want it, cant have it, simple!). There were a number of guys there that sat in the room when I was an inmate at the Woodbourne Priory and gave us there knowledge and experience of drinking and sobriety, these guys are from completely different worlds to me but the stories they told were almost exactly the same as my stories and the stories of my fellow inmates. I wondered if they would recognise me and they did, they greeted me with a big smile and a strong hand shake, one of them took the opportunity to call me “Trouble” (I liked that!!). They didn’t judge me for not coming back, they didn’t judge me when I shared about not being able to take the AA path like they did, I think they even agreed with some of my nonsense. The meeting was strange some of the shares made me feel good, some made me feel bad, some made me feel angry, some made me feel worried, I don’t think the meeting did me much good as I was a bit upset in a phone call I made after the meeting and I probably made a bit of a tit of myself but “It is what it is”….. I have been ill, I am ill, I want to be better so so much. At the end of the meeting a couple came up to me and said they understood my share, another guy questioned if I had a sponsor and asked “so you haven’t had a drink since 2003, without AA and without a sponsor, not one drink?”…………Nope :).

2014 is going to be a good year….. hold up, what if it isn’t, what if “shit happens” again, OK….. some time in the near future things will be good….”Jon”, Jon, Jonathan and exboozehound are going to come together and from what I have seen of him so far I think I am going to like him (possibly).

If you are struggling with the booze or mental illness or whatever it is there will be times that you “know” the pain will never end, I “knew” it with booze and I “knew” it with mental illness, but you have to try everything you possibly can to come out the other side. It will be hard and you will have set backs but you have to keep fighting, every time you get knocked down just get back up, every time you don’t think you can cope remember you have coped before, every time you feel a bit of happiness don’t beat yourself up about it you do deserve it, every time you have feelings you don’t recognise embrace them, every time you think a drink would be nice remember that’s bullshit, every time a coping strategy stops working find a new one, every time you think about ending it all remember that is not the answer. We will be well again, hopefully never “a normal” but just less bonkers….

Enjoy the good and ride out the bad

It is what it is

Today matters, yesterday’s gone, tomorrow’s up to you

Ahh Fuck it!!

Roar like a lion everyday

and of course……….

K E E P  S M I L I N G  🙂

Acceptance

I have been to an initial therapy appointment today, we spoke for an hour about Mindfulness and DBT (Dialectical behaviour therapy) it sounds very interesting if not a bit mind boggling and a bit weird….. the lady I spoke with, spoke about it all with such passion and honesty that it can only be a good thing. I have also had some really positive feedback via Twitter through a contact made through this blog, she is a very strong person who is having a hard time but she keeps going and I know she will make it (you know who you are).

When Mindfulness was first mentioned to me I got a book out of the library to see what it was all about, unfortunately within about 7 pages I gave up it all sounded a bit “hippy’ish”, sorry that is the only word I can think of, I started to think I would have to spend my life wearing tie die, chanting and being in touch with my inner being….. as a “neanderthal with depression” it is very hard to imagine me doing that!! But lets be honest what I have done so far hasn’t been a lot of use, i.e. take a few pills, ignore it as much as possible, man up and get on with life. Fact is, this year my mental illness has destroyed me, I have my theories why but they aren’t important at the moment, what is important is I have “accepted” I have a problem, I have “accepted” I must do something about it, I have “accepted” that at the moment “normal life” is not my strong point……..

“Acceptance” seems to be a big word now as it was 10 years ago, I had to “accept” I was an alcoholic (I had known I was for years!!), I had to “accept” that something had to be done and I “accepted” the help I was offered. Of course I now wish I had tackled all the other shit at the same time but who knows if I had tried to sort the mental health stuff at the same time I could be back on the booze….. So I “accept” that now is the time to tackle the mental health stuff and I am “grateful” I no longer drink. I “accept” I can’t have all that I want at this time and I am “grateful” for the friendships I have made through this blog. I “accept” my feelings and I am “grateful” that I have some. I “accept” I have an illness and I am “grateful” I can still do something about it.

During today’s appointment some new words were used that un-settled me a bit “Borderline personality disorder”, is this a new “label” for me, what the hell does that mean? Well who the hell cares, not me “it is what is it”. I had thought before this could be a possibility and at the moment I don’t know if that will become part of my diagnosis and I really don’t care. I think I have said it before on here and I said it directly to a professional today “I believe that most of what the experts do in mental health is guess work” I would be interested to see if the experts could prove to me this was not the case, on the other hand I probably wouldn’t believe there “proof” anyway. So at the moment I am happy to be diagnosed with whatever comes my way, I will “accept” whatever it is and I will address it and in time beat it.

There is a number scale that seems to be used a lot when talking about mental illness, 10 out of 10 is bad and 1 out of 10 is good (it seems the wrong way around to me, but what do I know?), anyway when I (has to be “I” as I can only really talk for myself) hit a 10 out of 10 it is horrendous I just don’t know what do do with myself, I think about ending it all to stop the pain, there doesn’t have to be a reason for hitting a 10 it just happens sometimes. My last 10 was a couple of days ago and I ended up kneeling down with my face planted in the carpet and my ass in the air (not a pleasant thought I know!) my head was “buzzing” and my blood felt like it was boiling in my vains…….. Fuc*ing mental isn’t it, what a Fuc*ing nut job…… I should probably be to ashamed to tell people this, but i’m not, i’m not ashamed I have an illness, I have been in the past, but I have “accepted” it now and I am attempting to do something about it, so what have I got to be ashamed of……. Nothing!!

If you are struggling, if you are ashamed, if you are hiding your illness, please try another way…. You have nothing to be ashamed of, You don’t have to hide it, You will still struggle with it but you will be struggling with others, it is still very painful and frustrating but in asking for help I believe you will also help others. Those others you will be helping might be people with similar issues to you, they might be your parents, your children, your partner, your friends. The people around you that love you don’t know how to help you, they will try, they will be willing to do literally anything, but from my own experiences I know that whatever they do will be wrong….. If they keep asking “how are you today?” it will annoy you, but also when they stop asking that question it will also annoy you. (?)

Ask for help and “Accept” any help and support you are offered, it wont fix you over night but it will give you a fighting chance.

Keep smiling 🙂

Please comment if you feel you can and subscribe to get updates by email (not that the subscription thing always works, Grrrrrrr, but “it is what it is”)

Inspirational Words

This is a very quick post, I had an inspirational moment this morning and this moment was on Twitter. I think there are lots of things to say about this but I want to keep it simple so: –

Talk about your feelings, be honest, in this day and age you can never be alone, there are some awesome people out there and Just do it 🙂

The reason I ended with “just do it” is because I asked @Billyidol to RT a link to my blog (if you don’t ask you don’t get!!) and from that RT this person got in touch :). To protect her identity I am simply going to call her “Awesome Lady” = AL

AL – Btw, how are you going Jon?

ME – If I’m honest I’ve been better :(, how’s u?

AL – Ah, that’s no good. I’m well, thank u for asking. Try and run with the gratitude idea. That’s what worked for me. x

ME – Gratitude idea? Is that being grateful for what we have x

AL – When I was depressed I always thought the opposite of depressed was happy. Then     one day, light bulb moment, The opposite of depressed is actually gratitude. That idea         literally turned my life around. I stopped hunting down this “happiness” I was     searching for & began looking for things to be grateful for. At first when u r very depressed it is hard. So u just start with “I made it through today” then ” I woke up today” really basic stuff… One day when u get to my stage which u will!!! u will start looking at the night sky and and sunsets & all sorts of things & think “Wow that is f**king brilliant. I’m so glad to be alive to see this. Good luck x

ME – Thank you so much, that is so inspiring!!! can I use yr words on my blog? x

AL – Of course you may!

ME – well from a Black Country lad (dont know if u know what that is) in local dialect “yam bostin yow am” x

Doesn’t that just sum it up? Fantastic! Thank you Awesome Lady x

Keep smiling 🙂Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

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Jibber Jabber

I have so many thoughts and feelings going around in my head at the moment that I don’t know where I am. Part of me is good, part of me is bad, part of me is horrendous and a lot of me is very tired of it all. I am happy I started this blog I am still getting messages from people saying they are reading it and giving me great feedback and encouragement, some people that I would never think would read a blog like this. I am having some great conversations on Twitter with people I have never met and that have so much to give even though they have battled through so much. There are some good good people out there :).

So i’m going to “Jibber Jabber” on for a bit, soz….

Lets get the nasty bit out of the way first, I still have suicidal thoughts and they vary from thoughts to feelings, they go from “I wish that fat C**T that sat on me beating me unconscious had carried on and done a proper job” and I think about returning the favour, a stint inside would finish me off. They go to “just do it Jon, end the pain, end the hassle, put yourself and the people around you out of the misery”, having said that I am 99.99% sure this is not the answer, it’s “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and through all the thoughts of “failing at life” that would be failing, whilst I am still fighting I am succeeding at life. If you are battling a mental illness and you are still here you are succeeding and you should be proud of yourself, cus it aint easy!! The thoughts are less these days, probably every couple of days rather than every day :).

Although I have a mental illness some of the effects are very physical, tiredness, shaking, slowness, weakness, nausea, twitchy… there are so many more but my lack of concentration means I cant think of them. A lot of the current effects are more than likely down to the 200mg’s of meds a day, but what is the alternative, for me at the moment, there isn’t an alternative. I am pretty sure that the meds I am on are not perfect for me I am also pretty sure that the experts don’t know either, I believe a lot of what the experts do is nothing but guess work!!!! I believe in the placebo effect…… Ibuprofen cures headaches doesn’t it? Yup sometimes…. Nope not all the time….. Tic Tacs do the same?? I have once cured a headache by putting blue-tac on my forehead… Me mad? how dare you!

There are so many mental illnesses and I get it when people feel better when they are given a diagnosis “a label”, it bothers me that my sick note still says “depression” when a GP, Counselor, CPN and a Psychiatrist have spoken about “clinical depression” and “major depression disorder” but what difference does it really make. Fact is we are ill, we have a mental illness, we have mental health issues….. We are most definitely not seeking attention, being dramatic, lazy….. We can’t pull ourselves together, snap out of it, man up….. If we could we would because being where we are is f**king horrendous!!! It is painful most days, when you have a good day there is then further to drop down when you have a bad day, that hurts!! From my AA days there was a saying along the lines of “there is no such thing as a bad day, it’s a bad few minutes or a bad hour” (pretty sure that isn’t the saying but you get me drift) This is a good and bad saying….. If you have a “bad day” maybe you are wallowing a little bit so split your day up into smaller chunks and have a couple of bad hours instead. However having lots of good hours and some bad hours can be very painful and tiring and it can definitely mess your noggin up good and proper!! This is where my “it is what it is” works for me, I try to enjoy the good and I just ride out the bad and in doing that I can cope??

“Thinking is over rated”…. all the questions and thoughts that go through our minds, Why? What if? How? Should I?……. there are no answers to them, and if you do find an answer I guarantee it will be different the next time you answer it, so don’t waste your time and energy thinking about them, easier said than done, i’m thinking good and bad things now but thinking about them ain’t going to change them. You have to either do something about the thoughts and feelings or just accept them and deal with them when you have to. (not sure if that is helpful, but it helps me at the moment). I have to keep in mind that my thoughts and feelings might hurt others but I also have to keep in mind that at the moment my thoughts and feelings are more important than anyone else’s, not a nice thing but sometimes you have to be selfish to protect yourself and your recovery.

Today I am in pain, today I am struggling…… at the moment, this could change so I am just riding it out and lets see where it takes me. There are things that I want to do, there are places I want to go, but worrying about them ain’t going to change anything. If I do those things or go to those places that will be cool, if I don’t “it is what it is” “what happens happens” and of course “shit happens”.

I’m not sure if there is any point to the above “Jibber Jabber” but it has helped me so as I am very good at being selfish i’m gunna put that one down as a “Win” 🙂

Keep smiling 🙂

Tough Day

Hell of a tough day today……….. but I think a productive and significant one 🙂

Today was the day I met face to face with the NHS regarding my complaint about their Mental Health “System” and the pain, frustration and destruction it causes. The guy I met with was very good, he seemed to be caring and genuinely interested in what I had to say, he is yet another good good person within a pathetic, not fit for purpose system.

I am fully aware that we are lucky to have an NHS and I am fully aware they save and make lives better again and again, hour after hour, day after day, etc… One of the things I need to remind you of is that part of the reason I made the complaint is because people with in the system (staff) basically asked me to, which I think says a lot…..

We spoke for over an hour, it was quite painful to go through everything again and difficult because my memory isn’t brilliant at the moment so things can get confused. As I was walking to the place I could feel myself getting anxious, going inside myself, walking along with Sun Glasses on, hood up, ear phones in blocking out the outside world.

Sitting in the waiting room, with a nice cup of tea, I got out my little red note book and pen and wrote down the date, the place and who I was seeing (like a numpty!), throughout the whole meeting I didn’t write another thing. As I said earlier the guy I saw seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say, he genuinely seemed to care and understand the pain the system had caused me, and causes others, because of this blog I have stories from other people who have been treated worse than me. You might be thinking “he was there to seem interested and caring they have pulled the wool over your eyes”, but I am not a stupid man and through my work I have sat in many meetings and from my days as an active alcoholic I know how to manipulate a situation and I know if someone is manipulating me.

I’m not going to go into any more detail about the meeting as I don’t think it is the time, but I do want to talk about how I felt afterwards. Coming out of the meeting I felt good, I felt as if I had achieved something :), as I walked down to my local town centre I could feel the pressure building in me, the buzzing in my head was getting very loud, I seemed to be getting very slow and weak and I felt strangely paranoid. When I got to the town centre I struggled to go into the shops I wanted to, pathetic I know, but I managed to do a couple of the things I wanted to do. Then all I could think about was getting home and the fact that I had walked and it was going to take me 30 minutes to get back. The further I walked the harder it got and at one point I wanted to just sit down in a bus stop and cry, by the time I turned into my road I was in tears and struggling a little bit to breathe. I couldn’t face the lunch I had bought and ended up going to bed just to stop the buzzing in my head.

I am not after sympathy, I am not trying to over dramatise my day, I am not doing “Woe is me”, the reason I have written this fairly pointless post is just to put it down in black and white and to stress how much effort and pain went into me going through with my complaint. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help are very difficult things for a lot of people. Being ill, accepting you are ill, asking for help shows you have failed at life, that you are unable to cope with life. IN ASKING FOR HELP I HAVEN’T FAILED, IF YOU NEED TO ASK FOR HELP YOU HAVEN’T FAILED THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP AND THERE IS NO SHAME IN BEING MENTALLY ILL “IT IS WHAT IT IS“. I know there are a lot of people out there in much worse situations than me but this is my situation, this is my pain, this is my disappointment in me and this is my life that I need to get back on track.

You probably know someone struggling with Mental Illness, please encourage them to fight, please show them you care, please don’t patronise them, please understand that they are not lazy or just a bit low, please understand that a good holiday will not fix them. They are ill, when people say “odd” things like “there is a buzzing in my head”, “there is a fog in my head”, “I can’t get out of bed”, “I can’t face leaving the house” they are not making things up, they are trying to explain something that is “real” and that they don’t understand themselves.

Keep smiling 🙂

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Booze at Christmas

I am a Bah Humbug / miserable git when it comes to Christmas, probably for many reasons not least of which the fact that it starts in October!!! Unfortunately I don’t believe in God, I don’t even like to type or say the “G” word, in fact when I did go to AA I wouldn’t say the “G” word at the start of the serenity prayer: –

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

Even the fact that it is called the Serenity “Prayer” bothers me a little bit, but nearly 11 years on from leaving the booze clinic I carry a coin with it on in my wallet. On one side it has the Serenity “thing” and the other side a butterfly with the words “Keep It Simple”, sounds daft but just looking at it gives me strength to stay off the booze. Of course being an alcoholic with mental health issues is never going to be “simple” but for me the answers are simple: –

Alcoholic = Avoid Booze

Mental Health = Ask for help and talk about it

I wish I could of done both of the above sooner than I did, but I can’t change that now I can change what I do moving forward and I have the wisdom to know the difference……

So, to the title of this post “Booze at Christmas” every year I can guarantee I will be asked the question “you will have a drink with your Christmas lunch wont you?” erm……nope! I also often get “if you haven’t had a drink for years surely that means you can control it now” erm……nope! Here’s the thing, there is a possibility that I could have one drink, there is the possibility that I could now drink like a gentleman but that’s a hell of a risk to take with my life and the lives of my family and friends. I was speaking with a guy the other day who has been soba for a couple of months and he was looking forward to his drink with Christmas lunch, I did say “I don’t think that is a good idea” but it’s not up to me and who knows he might be fine, but I am convinced I wouldn’t be. You won’t be surprised to hear that as an alcoholic I LOVE BOOZE, i’m not keen on the after effects of booze which is why I constantly had to top up the levels and if I had a drink I am sure I would only remember the good stuff and very soon it would be carnage.

“I have another drink in me, but I don’t have another recovery in me”

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol – that our lives had become unmanageable”

My guess is I will be getting the question about a drink with Christmas lunch on a fairly regular basis now, that’s cool it’s funny, sometimes you have to laugh at yourself. I am fortunate to have a bunch of mates that were merciless when it came to taking the piss…. one of my favorite comments I received after getting soba was “get Mans a pint of cider it will be entertaining” I still use this comment now :).

If you have a problem with booze, do something about it. Stopping drinking wont fix your life, it won’t be easy and at times it will be FU**ING Horrendous but it will be one of the best things you ever do, for you, for your family and for your friends. Being an active alcoholic is a selfish game of manipulation and lies, getting soba is also very selfish for a while, maybe for ever, getting soba will be the only important thing in your life, but  that is what booze is, well it was for me, nothing mattered more than booze, NOTHING!!

If you have any questions about getting off the booze drop me a message on here, Twitter or Facebook, i’m not an expert but I have a little experience in this area!! Do bear in mind though I am an alcoholic, I wont be able to be your crutch i’m too selfish for that and if you get on my nerves I will tell you.

Have a bostin Christmas……… Bah Hum Bug!!!!

Keep Smiling 🙂