Tag: Talk

Unstable stability

Very soon it will be 2015 and although I know I have come a long way in 2014 the last couple of days have made me realise just how far I have to go to return to a “normal” life or indeed if I will ever have a “normal” life again. I didn’t get out of bed until about 14:30 today, I didn’t leave the house yesterday and if I’m honest I’m not looking forward to leaving the house tomorrow. But tomorrow I have to leave the house cus I’ve got an appointment with my mental health worker at 14:30 and I’m seeing my psychiatrist at 15:00.

I have definitely come a long way and although everything seems to be moving in the right direction I hate how close the pain of mental illness is to the surface, I hate how easily my stability can be derailed, I hate many things, including my lack of concentration and I definitely hate how much hard work keeping on keeping on is. I know I’m strong enough to keep going and I know 100% I will NEVER give up but I’m very tired from the constant battle.

I know 2015 will be a good year for me, it has to be cus I can’t have another shite year as I have nothing else to lose. I’m know where near that rock bottom that people like to talk about but even though I have come a long way I really haven’t even started the journey of recovery cus that can’t start until my stability is actually stable….Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

Short and not so sweet post, not even sure it is worth it.

Having dips is good and bad, the good bit is it reminds you how good the good is when it’s good but the bad bit is it also reminds you how bad the bad bits are when its bad.

Tired of the pain and the ups n downs? Absolutely!!!!

But I KNOW there ain’t nothing I can’t handle…. EVENTUALLY!!!!

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Is this the way forward?

G’day all, hope you’re well?

Please take some time with this post, it’s very important cus this is an opportunity to actually make some positive difference….movie La La Land 2016 streaming

I received a DM off @Daniel_L_Baker a few days ago about his charities new and inspired, crowd funding platform, Depression is not destiny I was happy to receive a DM off Danny because even though we’ve never met and he lives on the other side of the world he is definitely part of my recovery support team. His memoir had a very big effect on me and helped to reignite my fight against the horrendous pain I was in after my mental breakdown in June 2013. I think the best way I can sum up the effect this memoir had on me is by the medium of screen grabs: –

Please take note of the date of this review, 24th October 2013 as it’s quite a significant date for me.

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Again please take note of the date I downloaded Danny’s memoir, 24th October 2013 as it’s quite a significant date for me.

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The pic below is a cropped screen grab from my blogs admin page to show you the date of the first page I published and again please take note of the date it was published, 24th October 2013 as it’s quite a significant date for me.

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It may seem odd for me to be rambling on about stuff from the past in a post entitled “Is this the way forward?” but I thought it was important to set the scene. When I looked at the crowd funding platform on Danny’s website I noticed that one of the projects was a lady called Chazz who is also UK based, for me it’s people like Chazz who are inspirational and brave because she has the guts to ask for help. Asking for help is not easy, especially in such a public way but I think it sums it up, it shows how powerful the web is with helping people’s recovery from depression and mental illness. I got Chazz’s twitter address (@Aries_Model) off Danny and sent her a message asking if I could write about her, I hope you will agree the reply is very powerful and shows how important it is that we write, talk, blog, share about our experiences of recovering from depression, mental illness and in my case alcoholism: –

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I watched Chazz’s video, I urge you to do the same, and I thought back to how horrendously painful life was when I was waiting for some help from the NHS, how desperate I was and I know I would of gotten very close to giving up if I was told there was a 2 year waiting list for any help. You here a lot of people saying the hardest thing is asking for help and yes that is very hard, but in reality with this completely broken and not fit for purpose NHS we have the hardest thing is actually waiting for any help to arrive once you’ve just taken a horrendously painful step of asking for it.

Please take the time to read Chazz’s story and watch her video, any of you out there reading this who have experience of depression, anxiety and mental illness will know how incredibly hard it would have been for Chazz to do the video and write her story. Keep an eye out for what I think is an incredibly powerful and emotional collection of words….

“I want to feel like I have a place in this world”

I know I understand the pain behind those words and I’m pretty sure you do too.

With the appalling state of the NHS system I believe this is a way forward, we should not have to wait 2 years to get some help and although the politicians keep talking about more funding and better turn around times we all know nothing will change quickly cus let’s face it the NHS on the mental health side has been in this state for many years and just continues to get worse. I need to say that I have met some brilliant people in the NHS and when you do get treatment via the NHS it is second to none, but the way the system is setup causes a massive amount of unnecessary very dangerous pain and I also stand very firmly by my belief that I only got the treatment I did and do because I mouthed off on Twitter and made my complaint official, which in itself made me unwell.

Please take the time to check out Daniels website and watch Chazz’s video, read her story and if you can donate. If you can’t donate don’t worry but please share the story and links because this is genuinely an opportunity to help someone get there life back and help them know they do have a place in this world….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Look at me

It’s been said to me before that I only created exboozehound for attention, wrong!!!! but I can understand why people thought that. I was constantly putting stuff on Face Book and Twitter on the subject of my suffering, which could quite easily seem a bit “woe is me”. I openly admit to using Face Book and Twitter as therapy and I’m definitely guilty of wanting people’s support by way of comments to help me feel better about me. Someone said to me a couple of weeks ago that they found it odd that I still keep reposting stuff about mental illness and depression now I’m a lot better and on the right track, my response to that hopefully confirms to people that I didn’t create exboozehound for attention and although this will come across a little “ooohhhh look at me I’m awesome” exboozehound was created because I wanted to make a difference. I continue to repost stuff about mental illness and depression when they make sense and strike a chord with me, because if they strike a chord with me then chances are they will strike a chord with others who are suffering.

Oof!! that does come across very “ooohhhh look at me….” but to be honest I really don’t care, people who actually know me will know it’s not about me, it’s about trying to make a difference, how ever small. There is still far too much shame and stigma around mental illness, there is still far too many people suffering in silence unable to ask for help and take it from me if you don’t ask for help eventually your noggin will explode and once that explosion has happened it’s a fucking long way back!!!!

The exboozehound blog was started just over a year ago, (my About Me page was published on the 24th October) whilst in a desperately depressed state considering suicide on a daily basis I found a memoir written by an Australian called Daniel Baker and whilst reading it I started to notice a lot of the things he had written, thought and experienced were very similar to my thoughts and experiences, it made me feel I wasn’t actually “mad” (debatable, lol) or completely on my own, I was just un well…. Reading that memoir really helped reignite my fight, the fight against mental illness completely and utterly destroying me. It then came to me that if a complete strangers words could do so much good for me that maybe my words could do the same for others. Very quickly after starting the blog I started to receive comments about how my words helped make sense of the madness in people’s noggins and how I used words to describe my pain that their loved ones had used. For me the beauty of this is that the more we talk and the more honest we are the more people will realise they are not alone, they are not weird and if there is something telling you “there’s something not quite right about me” you could very well be right but whatever it is that’s not quite right there will be people out there who can help and probably just as important it’s nothing to be ashamed of if you might be a bit different and not “normal”….

What’s “normal” anyway?

Who wants to be “normal”? Not me!!!!

Someone once said to me you seem “normal”…. I’ve never been so insulted in my life!!!!

We are all individual, life would be very dull if we were all the same and if our individualities are good, bad or ugly it doesn’t matter our individualities are what makes us who we are. It’s frowned upon to say “my mental illness is me”, but I don’t see why, for that to be a negative statement we have to believe that EVERYTHING about our mental illness ways is negative and it just isn’t!!!! There’s a lot of positive traits that mental illness has a hand in, my mental illness and probably alcoholism made me a good sales man because I was able to use my unbelievably strong manipulation skills to make sales happen, these same skills were very useful for my last job role as an account manager. Mental Illness made me think differently and do things differently and when you are different you stand out for good reasons as well as bad reasons. I used to joke a lot about being “anal” about details and things being right, for me that’s a bit of OCD that makes me strive for perfection (positive and dangerous). My mental illness fuelled noggin spent years and years telling me I was a useless waste of space so I had to try harder and harder not to believe that and achieve something to prove it wasn’t right and after all that exhausting effort unfortunately I never actually achieved anything….

When I say I’ve never achieved anything people tend to remind me that being a retired alcoholic is an achievement, not to drink the glorious liquid that I love so much, the liquid that made me feel amazing, that basically made me feel like a person and drowned out the shite going on in my mind, booze to me was everything, NOTHING else really mattered, if I wasn’t drinking it I was thinking about drinking it and getting to that place of complete euphoria and peace also well known as being completely and utterly shit faced!!!! Mmmmmmmmmmm, Doh!! I no longer have that option, booze can no longer be my saviour, booze can no longer be my place of freedom and hasn’t been for over 11 years, I still miss it but I know I cannot control booze it controls me. So is giving up the booze a real achievement, I guess now it is, it has some meaning because being a soba alcoholic is another huge part of what I am…. So in conclusion I am basically made up of 2 horrible, horrendous, appalling illnesses that can and do kill on a regular basis, being alive and being me (whoever that is) is an achievement in itself…. More often than not things in my life a pretty good, I don’t have an awful lot of stress as I have pretty much no responsibilities these days, I’m on a good track, I’m on a level and I’m fairly stable….

Mind you to achieve that good track, levelness and stability I have to take 300mgs of medication a day…. Who gives a fuck, I’d stand in a bucket of custard, naked and painted pink if it kept me away from the place I was a year ago…. (Obvs I would only do this in the summer when it’s a bit warmer….)

No matter how horrendous life gets it can and WILL get better if you are honest with yourself and those around you, ask for help, demand help, be patient cus help doesn’t tend to come very quickly, keep using that help, and keep being honest and open about the you that is you and not the you you think you should be. We are all individuals and being that individual honestly is very very important cus if you keep wasting energy covering up and hiding what is making you individual you will never make any progress in life and not just conventional life but deep down real life….

So, back to the title “Look at me”….

Attention seeking for me is definitely not what exboozehound is about, getting attention for the subjects of mental illness and alcoholism is what it’s about, both of these illnesses cause an horrendous amount of pain to many many more people than we would ever believe. They are illnesses just like any physical illness some people have them and some people don’t.

It’s starting to feel like exboozehound is starting to achieving something, ONE person can make a difference. But even though exboozehound was started and created by just one person exboozehound isn’t just one person, exboozehound is you and anyone else that has ever read any of the nonsense I write, exboozehound is anyone who’s had the courage to leave a comment on my blog, exboozehound is anyone who has favourited, retweeted or replied to anything I’ve ever tweeted on Twitter, exboozehound is anyone who has liked, shared or commented on anything I’ve ever posted on Face Book, exboozehound is anyone who has purchased and read my book erm memoir erm Thingymajig on Amazon (still available at a relatively reasonable price, and has a couple of five star reviews….)

I’m proud of what exboozehound is starting to achieve, I am proud of what ALL of you have done to help that progress and this week that progress includes….

Monday – met with someone with things that are troubling in their life and shared my experiences, beliefs and theories on how to deal with there troubles.

Wednesday – attended a meeting run by Dudley Council to discuss Adult Social Care and agreed to join a “people’s network” to put my money where my mouth is and invest time in building that network to benefit all that need help for whatever reason.watch full movie Aardvark onlinefilm Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 2002 trailer

Thursday – met with Governance International, discussed and agreed for me to get involved in their work bringing people together to work towards improving mental health care. I came away with a remit of organising a co-production meeting hosted in Dudley, to invite various people and organisations I have had contact with during my recovery.

And throughout the week I have had various messages telling me that what exboozehound does has a positive effect on their lives…. Wow!!!!

Yes this IS all a bit “look at me” but it’s also “look at you” cus exboozehound wouldn’t be doing what it was without your support and input….

YOU’RE ALL FUCKING AMAZING AND I HOPE YOU ARE AS PROUD AS I AM!!!!

Watch this space, exboozehound is going places, jump on board now while there’s still room….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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How a Numpty like me….

G’day all, I hope you are well? And if not well I hope you KNOW things can always get better and will!!!!

Recently I’ve been really struggling to write posts for the blog, not sure why, there’s probably loads of reasons but if you know me you will know by now I try not to do “why?” cus it’s a waste of energy….

I’m thinking I may just start updating the Random Thoughts page on a regular basis with things from conversations that happen organically….

As an example of this I was speaking with a friend on Twitter yesterday and when I asked how she was these days she replied….Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

“Hmmm… If I’m honest, I’m not sure how I am. Not as good as I should be I guess….”

Now, as I’ve said before I’m no expert and there is nothing special about me so you shouldn’t take what I say as advice it’s just the honest opinions of a mouthy Nutjob, but I am gunna say what I said to her….

“That’s an interesting comment…. We feel what we feel, we have to learn to take it at face value and accept, it is what it is…. This is yet another time I can use my quote “enjoy the good and ride out the bad”. We are not in a race with other people and how they feel and react to life, we are individual and will most likely never make sense”

Yes I’m aware that my drivel isn’t Dali Lama’esque but if you can be arsed please have a little think about that and see if you can work out what I’m trying to say….

Annyywhooooo….

As I said at the beginning of this post I’m struggling to write stuff at the moment so ive dug out something I wrote back in July, I was asked to write something by an individual at a company called Governance International. They replied to me and said they liked what I had written but unfortunately they still haven’t published it, so I decided to publish it myself….

I hope you find it interesting?

How a numpty like me came to be at the 12th West Midlands Network Co-Production Meeting (9/7/2014)

To begin with I’m Mentally Ill, I don’t just have Mental Health, I have Mental Ill Health and have had for many years, although prior to 2013 my mental illness was simply called depression. Since the age of about 18 I have been on various anti-depressants and up until 2003 my other medication was copious amounts of alcohol.

In 2003 I spent 28 days at the Woodbourne Priory to get me off the booze. (Paid for by Bupa as the NHS were no help at all).

In 2013 I had a mental breakdown, not that the GP’s and Noggin Docs (aka book monkeys) seem to use that phrase anymore, I think they call it an episode. Mind you I’m pretty sure they don’t describe it the way I like to:-
In 2013 I finally went dolallytap and my noggin went pop…..

In October 2013 I started my blog, www.exboozehound.co.uk, and started using my twitter account, @exboozehound, to tweet and blog about mental illness and alcoholism. I used to have a little pop up box to warn people visiting the blog for the first time I wasn’t exactly PC and I have a tendency to use quite a few swears…..

In January I had 49 followers on twitter, I now have 730+ followers all over the world. My blog also gets hits all over the world, although fortunately I’m not quite as stupid as I look and I take the hit statistics with a pinch of salt as I also get spammed an awful lot.

Anyway that’s a small introduction to me….

I attended the 12th West Midlands Network Co-Production meeting on the 9th July 2014 having been invited by Justin Haywood (Dudley MBC). I’met Justin and a couple of his colleagues a few months before at a meeting held at Halesowen Cricket Club on the subject of budget cuts in Adult Community Care Services. Unfortunately there weren’t very many people there and even more unfortunately for Justin and his colleagues the lack of attendees allowed me to use my no holds barred, opinionated, angry at establishment, huge gob quite a lot!! I was and still am angry at establishment because if my recovery from my episode had been down to the NHS and there pathetic not fit for purpose system I would be dead.

During various meetings with NHS staff a number of them asked me to complain, which I wanted to do, and my Mom had already started doing, but until I knew even the people who had to work in the system thought the system was broken and not fit for purpose as well I just couldn’t muster the strength, but now my strength and determination was building. Also speaking with friends in a Rethink Support Group made me even more determined to do something, because most of them also wanted to complain, if not all of them, but they were too frightened to do so and even tried to warn me off from making my complaint because if you make waves they will take away your support and they won’t help you…. Although I said my strength was building the complaint process made me very ill at times, but I was at the stage that I really didn’t care about my pain I just wanted to help others avoid the excruciating level of mental pain I had been through. One of the most painful parts of the process was receiving a letter from Gary Graham and realising he knows absolutely nothing about Mental Illness!!!!!!!

During the first meeting I attended with Justin I was shocked and appalled at the budget figures and how much of the current budget was to be cut. As I had just been very nearly destroyed by the current system at the current funding levels knowing that a huge amount of that budget was to be lost was frightening…. How many more people were going to get as desperate as I had been? How many more people will actually go through with taking their own lives because the desperation is so horrendous? How many more stories will be on the news about people being hurt and killed by mentally ill people who had been let down by the system? And so so many more questions!!!!

Currently I have the ear of my local MP, James Morris, he has told me he is going to speak directly to Norman Lamb about me and my blog and use some of my experiences of the NHS to show just how poor it actually is at ground level.
Anyway, the various important people at the Co-Production meeting on the 9th July are definitely aware of me now…. Partly because I attended the meeting in shorts and a BA Baracus t-shirt saying Crazy Fool but hopefully mainly because I made sure I used my gob….. A LOT!

In the room there were a lot of obviously very intelligent influential people talking very sensibly about what should be done…. But for me the problem is that’s pretty much all they are doing about it, with a few exceptions…. I can say this with a certain amount of confidence as someone much more intelligent and important than me said during the meeting that they were talking about the same things 5 years ago…. Also someone said to me quietly “I agree with everything you say but I can’t say it as I will lose my job….” I KNOW NOTHING significant has really changed in the last 11 years as I talk to a wonderful lady who’s son took his own life the same year, almost the same month that I got soba. The pathetic not fit for purpose system let him and his whole family down 11 years (and more) ago and the system is still letting people down again and again every single day!!!!

I applaud what the people in the meeting are trying to do, I applaud what James Morris MP is trying to do but as I said in the first meeting when I met Justin and I have said to James….

The system is broken and is unfixable. Until the politicians Strap on a Pair and finally tell the truth about the fact they know they can’t fix the NHS people will keep on being let down, people will keep on taking their own lives to end their pain and we will keep hearing stories on the news of appalling things mentally ill people are doing to other people because the system let them down, again and again and again….

It is definitely time to talk to lessen the stigma attached to mental illness, it is definitely time for more people like me to talk openly and honestly about mental illness and how it destroys lives and ends futures. BUT you people in well paid high profile jobs at the top of your game, it’s time for you to actually earn those salaries and actually do something rather than just talking about it!!!!

At one point during the meeting on the 9th July I asked the whole room if ANYONE actually had ANY experience of mental illness. I got just one response, and that was “We all have Mental Health….” Apart from being a very insulting and patronising sentence it tells a very strong story….

That story is either no one in that room had mental illness experience firsthand or they were too ashamed to tell a room full of their peers they are mentally ill themselves….

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Today I fell apart a bit….

These things don’t generally happen all of a sudden, there’s usually a recognisable build up and this time it was no different. I knew it was coming and I tried hard not to fight it, that might sound a little odd, surely yoku should fight it all the time?

The way I see it these days….

Is there really a point in wasting loads of energy fighting the inevitable? Yes that probably sounds really negative, but it’s not it’s realistic and for me it’s the way it has to be at the moment.

If I’d spent loads of energy fighting against the dip that was coming I would be more tired when the dip arrived, today has been a really negative day, I got up and felt pretty shite, I decided I would go and have 30 minutes on the squash court to try and spark myself into action and remove the aggression boiling inside, the anger about living a pointless existence having achieved absolutely nothing in life (bear with me I was feeling sorry for myself). I did 30 minutes on the squash court broken up with sets of push-ups and for a split second I started feeling a bit better about the day ahead…. And then all of a sudden the madness began, I was sat at the front wall of the court and all I wanted to do was shout and cry, there was a guy cleaning on the balcony of the squash court and in my mind I felt myself thinking “he’s laughing at me, he’s laughing at how sad it is that I’m on the squash court by myself” (told ya “the madness began” bloody nutter!!).

I left the squash court and this guy was standing at the reception talking and laughing with some colleagues, of course “they were laughing at me”…… I just wanted to get home (not that I have my own home, cus I’m a useless waste of a human being), I needed to get myself something to eat so went into Asda and immediately felt the pressure, everyone in there knew I was mentally ill and we’re moving out of my way. I got to the tobacco till, there was a queue and in the queue was a guy I went to school with, we spoke but I felt really rude cus I really didn’t want to get involved in the conversation. One of my mates wives was there with their two kids and I just kept looking the other way cus I didn’t want to get involved in another possible conversation. I got to the front of the queue and asked for my backy of choice (the cheap one cus I’m a loser and I no longer work), I thought the lady who served me was looking at me with concerned eyes.

When I walked out of Asda my mates wife and kids were there so I looked the other way, I couldn’t get into the lift cus I didn’t want to be in the enclosed space and what if she got in the lift as well, I’d have to make conversation and I didn’t want her to see me looking all possessed with madness… I took the stairs and the closer I got to the floor I needed the more I just wanted to cry, my noggin was now buzzing and throbbing and I felt like I was gunna explode…..

I got to my car (a knackered piece of shit of a car, cus that’s all I can afford as I’m a waste of space who hasn’t worked for more than a year since my mental breakdown (sign of weakness!!!) in June 2013) and as soon as I was safely in the car the tears started, I wasn’t blubbing like a baby it just felt like a release of pressure.

I drove back to my Dads, still with tears in my eyes, I paced backwards and forwards in the kitchen struggling to work out how to open and dish up the salad I had bought for lunch. I went upstairs to eat my lunch and have some meds to help me relax and was back in bed for 12pm, crying and stressing about how pathetic I was and what a pointless existence I have lived having reached the age of 41 and having absolutely nothing to show for those 41 years….

I got out of bed at about half five, had some tea that my Dad had cooked me, rolled some fags and then started writing this. I currently feel numb and a bit weird having just written out all of the shite above, knowing it’s all completely true and at the same time a complete load of BOLLOX. I know people weren’t laughing at me and moving out of my way, I know I’m not a waste of a human life but sometimes my badly wired up noggin just decides to short circuit and give me a hard time.

Tomorrow is another day, I will hopefully have some energy to deal with tomorrow because I haven’t wasted all my energy fighting the inevitable, I’ve just accepted that from time to time I lose the plot a little bit, I can’t cope with “normal” situations and currently my future looks pretty bleak.

What have I got to look forward to?

Well, probably the same as every other single person whether they are mentalists or normals, some good times, some bad times and in order to make the most of what my future holds I will deal with each day one day at a time, today’s shite has no bearing on yesterday or tomorrow, tomorrow is another day….

“It is what it is”

“Shit happens”

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

Theres no real point to this post, I hope some people will identify with some of the mad stuff I have written above and know there’s nothing wrong with being a bit of a nut job, it’s just the way it is sometimes there doesn’t have to be a reason, there probably isn’t a why, it’s just one of those things and because I accept this madness can happen at times I can survive it and bounce back….Logan movie trailer

“There ain’t nothing I/WE can’t handle…. Eventually!!!!”

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)


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Coming out of the mental illness closet.

G’day all, below we have another guest post from my new Australian Face Book friend Kelly. I hope you find these words as inspirational as I know they are…..

Coming out of the mental illness closet. By Kelly the Aussie 🙂

I was diagnosed with Bipolar about 9 years ago, to me it was a load of rot, I couldn’t have a mental illness. I mean I know I wasn’t quite right, like I would have ups and downs, and get moody, but it was the depression side of bipolar I was having a lot of time coping with. After my diagnosis I looked into it a bit, I also met a very special internet friend that was looking for answer and we happened to meet on a site, she helped me understand the illness a lot and helped me cope with a lot of feelings, it is great to have an understanding ear.

After my diagnoses I struggled for a couple of years to believe I had bipolar, the reason being, I was also stuck in the stigma of mental illness, to me mental illness just meant people were crazy and scary, and that’s something I didn’t want to be, certainly I didn’t feel like I was crazy or scary, I was ignorant, I didn’t know anything about it, so to me it was a scary world. I must admit coming to terms with having a mental illness was the hardest thing to cope with, the first few years was the hardest and the most times I have been manic and hypo manic tendencies. I was elaborating my illness because of what others would think, and my own delusional thoughts ,I wasn’t accepting it I was pushing it away but it made me worse.

After learning a lot more about mental illness I finally accepted my condition, I intergraded CBT into my life and it helped make bipolar more controllable. But I still hadn’t told many people I was still afraid of the stigma and what I would be thought of, so only a handful of people knew, I kept it to myself and those close for 8 years. I had accepted but was still afraid to let people know, I didn’t really care if people knew or not, it was none of their business anyway, but I felt that this may help me to help break the stigma and make me feel better, hahah and I guess some may start to understand why I act certain ways lol. Finally I didn’t give a rats bumb what people thought, and after reading some of Jon’s blogs he kind of unknowingly inspired me to come out. So a few days ago I publically announced on my facebook wall that I am bipolar , a few hours later I had numerous reply’s of support and understanding and also others admitting they also had a mental illness. I was so relieved and surprised at the same time. It really helped me understand that support is out there, and so many are going through the same thing, I had nothing to worry about it was only my bipolar mind telling me other wise. All those suffering a mental illness will find it hard coping, but by doing certain things can help lift you. Coming out may not seem big to some but it was a 8 year processes for me, and its like a small weight has been lifted . hugs and kisses xo

Thank you Kelly for having the courage to write this. I know it will help others come to terms with their mental illnesses. There is nothing to be ashamed or scared of we just have an illness.Watch Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

If you are reading this and feel inspired to come out of your mental illness closet, if you do take that huge step I am pretty sure you will receive the same levels of support and understanding Kelly and I havevreceived. However if you do find people that aren’t supportive know this….. That’s there problem some people are just ignorant and you don’t need them in your life, FACT!

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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The Unseen, Unheard Deadly Illness

Hi, I’m very proud to be able to publish this new Guest Post, it’s written by an American young lady called Anya. Anya wrote this essay for an English assignment at school, she is 16 and I know by the time you have finished reading what she has written you will agree with me that she is amazing!!!!

The Unseen, Unheard Deadly Illness

Throughout my life mental illness has played a very large role. I believe that depression runs in my genes, and it will always be a part of my life. Certain situations have provoked my depression and brought it to the surface. Elementary school was the first time I truly felt depressed. Feeling depressed was a unique and unwanted feeling that I knew was unnatural. All of the kids were able to converse and they were happy, while I stood there not knowing what to do. I speak of this not to get pity or sympathy but to demonstrate how mental illnesses can change lives at any age and to anyone. As I grew up, I discovered that I wasn’t the same as other kids. It took longer for me to understand ideas, and learn the material that was taught in school. My mother brought to my attention that my birth mother was an alcoholic and I have alcoholism in my genes. The alcoholism created a small but noticeable learning disability. She told me I need to be careful with alcohol and other substances because of my addictive personality. This shaped how I viewed the world and myself. Throughout high school my depression became more of an issue, I told my friends but they were also struggling so no one voiced the need for intervention. Mental illnesses are much more common than we all would like to think. While continuing to struggle with depression, I went to a concert that helped me reach out for help. Demi Lovato talked about her own struggles and how important it is to reach out for help when dealing with mental illnesses. It doesn’t make you weak, but strong to be able to say “I need help”. Just by giving a three minute speech she changed my life. The next couple of months were very scary. Luckily, I reached out for help and I am currently getting the help I need. Sadly, this is something that so many people are afraid to speak out about. I didn’t say anything for about 4-5 years because of the fear of judgement from my friends and family. I didn’t want to be looked at as attention seeking or weak. I still am quiet about this because I feel that there are good things in life and those are the things that should be talked about, not the depressing things. I know that I want to change lives and although hard to understand, I have a purpose and I can make a positive impact on this world. Mental illnesses effect so many, and we can all play a role to change the destiny of how this illness will effect so many. Watch Consumed (2015) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

My story is one of millions from people who have struggled with a mental illness. Mental illness is defined as a medical condition that disrupts a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. Serious mental illnesses include major depression, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), panic disorder, post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and borderline personality disorder (NAMI). Mental illnesses do not discriminate; they can effect someone of any race, gender, and age. Sharing the important message like Demi shares at her concerts is important to demonstrate to others that mental illnesses are illnesses and the effect they can have on a daily basis. Some of our nations greatest leaders, inventors, and doers are struggling with mental illnesses. One of the nations greatest leaders, Abraham Lincoln struggled with depression. He successfully put an end to slavery but he was still a slave to his own thoughts of suicide. With the sudden passing of Robin Williams, it shows how such a successful, highly productive man can be struggling so much. Others such as Beethoven, Isaac Newton, J.K. Rowling, Health Ledger and Kurt Cobain also struggled with various mental illnesses. With so many struggling, where is the public interest on this issue? Suicide is the tenth leading cause of death in the United States, and the second leading cause of death for young people, between the ages of 15-24 (NAMI). Enough people have died to demonstrate that this is a deadly issue.

Mental illnesses have a tremendous impact on our society and our economy but very little is being done to stop this issue. With suicide killing roughly 40,000 people a year, the money raised for suicide awareness averages around $3.2 million. (CDC). Compared to Breast cancer, which kills roughly 41,000 people where as they raise about $257.85 million. We need to increase our investment in mental health significantly and we need to do it now. In 6 years depression will be the leading debilitating disease for women and children. Raising awareness about mental illnesses through education advocacy can set back this growing concern. Research shows the cost for mental illness prevention is greatly less than the cost of mental health treatment. Mental illnesses have cost the US economy roughly $148 Billion for all mental disorders (15). We have the ability to stop this issue by speaking up and talking about it, so let’s talk.

All mental illnesses, even the most severe cases, can be effectively treated. The earlier the treatment begins, the more effective it is. Most people diagnosed will experience relief after getting help. Folks with a mental illness report that a combination of treatments, services, and supports works best to support their recovery (NAMI.com). Treatments for medical illnesses
include medications, support groups, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), and meeting with mental health professionals on a weekly/monthly basis. Medication is not an exact science, it can take weeks or even months to find the right medication/medications. Mental illnesses effect everyone differently therefore the approach for treatment can be different. Without treatment the consequences of mental illnesses are staggering. Unnecessary disability, unemployment, substance abuse, homelessness, and suicide can occur without proper help. Mood disorders, anxiety disorders, schizophrenia, and personality disorders are known to overlap with drug or alcohol addiction (dualdiagnosis.org). Stopping the issue before it gets to that point is essential to reduce the risk of further issues.

Having a support group can help with the success of the mentally ill’s recovery. Some feel as though they cannot help their family member or friend who is struggling with a mental illness but that is inaccurate. Family and friends can be important influences to help someone, with both the treatment and services they need. Family and friends can be the ones to reach out and know that they are not alone. Family and friends can help them access mental health services and treatment. Family and friends can help learn and share the facts about mental health. Family and friends can most importantly refuse to define them by their diagnosis, or using the terms such as “crazy”. Friends and family play a very important role in the whole recovery process.

Depression is not selfish, anxiety is not rude, schizophrenia is not wrong. Mental illness isn’t self centered any more than a broken leg or the flu is self centered. Mental illness is a problem and its time to open our eyes and make a change. Prevention for mental illness cost us much less than treatment for mental illness. We need to speak up against the norm of this issue.
Our children’s health is in our hands, and we need to stop this. The care and treatment for mental illnesses is evolving to help meet the needs of the mentally ill. Doctors, social workers, and therapists are learning more of how to lead their clients to a successful recovery. Now it’s our time to play our role and advocate for the millions that are struggling on a daily basis.

In conclusion, mental illnesses are on the rise, but there are affirmative actions we can take to slow this problem down. It is a difficult and frightening topic to discuss but 100% necessary. Research shows that there is an extremely high success rate in recovery once you reach out for help. We must all open our eyes to the ones around us and lend a helping hand. The mentally ill are not crazy, insane, or hopeless. I have experienced mental illness first hand, and I can personally tell you they change your life. There are many good positive life lessons I have learned from struggling with depression. Some which are simple and easy to understand such as “ it is what it is”, I was born this way and I deal with the hand I’ve got. Others which are more complicated to understand which is “why me?”, but in the end it all evens out. There is good in the bad and bad in the good, thats how life works.

Sources

National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.). Statistics: Any Disorder Among Adults. From http://www.nimh.nih.gov/statistics/1ANYDIS_ADULT.shtml

National Institutes of Health, National Institute of Mental Health. (n.d.) The Numbers Count: Mental Disorders in America. From http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-numbers-count-mental-disorders-in-america/index.shtml

Prevalence numbers were calculated using NIMH percentages (cited) and 2010 Census data. Census data is available at: United States Census Bureau. (revised 2011). “USA [State & County QuickFacts].” From http://quickfacts.census.gov/qfd/states/00000.html

Stuart H (June 2003). “Violence and mental illness: an overview”. World Psychiatry

Mental Health Disorders

http://www.hhs.gov/ash/oah/adolescent-health-topics/mental-health/states/oh.html#.VCq85r4-A6U

WHO-CHOICE (2003). (Page 15) Cost-effectiveness of interventions for reducing the burden of mental disorders: A global analysis (WHO-CHOICE). GPE Discussion Paper (prepared by Chisholm D), Geneva, World Health Organization

NAMI http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness

NAMI- http://www.nami.org/factsheets/mentalillness_factsheet.pdf

I don’t want to follow that with any of my own nonsense, all I want to say is….

Anya, you are amazing, you say I have helped you a lot, but you need to know you have helped me a massive amount with your kind comments, you have confirmed to me that there is a point to me and exboozehound. You will go on to help others, and this essay is just the start for you xx

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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Someone said to me….

Sometimes our eyes see things that aren’t real, we make judgements based on a quick glance, those judgements can be spot on but they can also be way off. Life isn’t an exact science and really we shouldn’t make judgements about people if we don’t know the full story, but do we ever know the full story even of those people we are really close to? I think the answer to that is NO, we are all here to get on with our lives and make the most of it but most of us, I think, do and say things to fit in with what’s expected of us in “normal” life….

I have a feeling this post ain’t gunna make any sense…. Hey Ho, it is what it is, life doesn’t make any sense…. When I asked a couple of people to read my book (lol), memoir (cringe), Thingymajig (that’s better) they said it was very hard to read at times and seemed to jump back and forth, I took this as a compliment cus that’s the way my noggin works, it’s probably the way your noggin works as well wether you are a “normal” or a “mentalist” the only difference being us mentalists seem to pay more attention to the perceived weirdness going on in our noggins and you normals just seem to take in your stride and accept things…. Hold up, I have a feeling I’ve just made a judgement based on no evidence at all….

Why did I start this post?

Someone said to me the other day “you have a relaxing life just wondering about in the sun”, now this is just a comment, it probably isn’t a judgement it’s just words, we laughed about it and I replied “it’s one of the benefits of being a documented mentalist….”. You see I haven’t been at work, since June 2013 and over the last few months we’ve had fairly good weather, so I do “wonder about in the sun” I’m sure it looks very relaxing, I’ve got a decent sun tan (although it’s fading now 🙁 ) and 99% of the time I’m wearing shorts, tshirt and sunglasses (I’ve got sensitive eyes…) and it is fairly relaxing…. However it’s not all that it seems, cus a lot of the time I’m wondering about in the sun as a sort of coping mechanism. Being out of work I’m broke, the benefits I receive amount to next to nothing, as soon as I get them they are spent, gobbled up by my overdraft so I haven’t got spare cash to go off and do exciting things, I haven’t got the cash to put diesel in my knackered old Y reg Astra, don’t get me wrong I’m not saying this to get sympathy, I don’t need anyone’s sympathy I’m just telling you the facts. I spend a considerable amount of time wondering about a bit and drinking tea in a boozer. Wondering about a bit stops me festering at home (which ain’t my own home) and drinking tea in a boozer gives me people to talk to. A lot of these people I’ve only just got to know, most of them know I’m a mentalist alcoholic (retired) and a couple of them call me “Earl Grey” cus I drink it, not cus I’m posh, I ay posh!!!!

Are you bored of this post, I’m getting that way….

I’ve gone on a bit with some background stuff, there is something I really wanted to say with this post but I’m just not sure how to say it, so I think I’ll just waffle on for a bit and see if you can work it out….

Here’s a small list of things people have said to me lately….Watch All Girls Weekend (2016) Full Movie Online Streaming Online and Download

“you have a relaxing life just wondering about in the sun”
on the surface this is very true, but I’ve spent over 20 years fighting against mental illness and alcoholism trying to hide it and get on with “normal life” which lead to me having a mental breakdown in June 2013. In June 2013 I was very unrelaxed, sitting on my bed rocking backwards and forward, shaking, sweating, believing my life was over and the best thing I could do now is strap on a pair and end my life….

“I like Jon he’s really calm”
all of the above again…. I am calm most of the time, but if I’m not calm I’m shut away at home (not my own home) struggling to control the thoughts in my head and sometimes my physical reactions. I’m calm these days cus I’ve got to know me and I’m 100% honest with myself and those around me. Part of my calmness is down to what I have learnt from people via this blog and speaking with people about how they cope or how they don’t cope and if I’m honest, which is am, Mindfulness has helped a lot. I’m fine as long as I put effort into staying in the day, and thinking as little as possible….

“You’re a good listener as well”
Although I do tend to talk a lot, I do spend an awful amount of time listening. The lady that said this to me (via Twitter) is a lady called Julie Christie (@juliechristie1) I was fortunate enough to meet Julie at a meeting a few months ago at Aston University, she spoke about her work with dementia and if I had to describe her with one word it would be “inspiring”…. During this meeting I did my usual thing of being very vocal and I was very pleased to see that by the time I got home Julie was following me on Twitter, I’m hoping to catch up with her later in the year and learn from her approach. For me being a good listener is important, we may not agree with everything others say but we can learn from them and get a better understanding of how things work….

“We have 2 ears and one mouth which is a good ratio we should stick to”

“There’s something about you that draws people to you”
I think that’s purely my honesty and openness, I see my mental breakdown last year as a positive thing, it forced me to have a long hard look at myself to try to understand why I am where I am. I think one of the things I have been doing since June 2013 is “finding myself” poncy words, yes, but I don’t have a choice cus I’ve spent so long lying to everyone around me and lying to myself that I don’t really know who I am. I’ve spent so long suppressing feelings that I don’t really understand feelings. I’ve spent so long hating who I am not actually knowing who I am and why I hate me. I’ve spent so long living with Jon and “Jon” I’m a little fucked up. I used to get confused by the fact that people seemed to like me, I still am, were people really liking the “front” I created to enable me to get on with life and be bloody good at my job? Everyone at some point has to put a front on to get through certain days and situations, not swearing like a trooper in front of your Nan is basically putting a front on, I still have to front things out, everybody does, but I’m starting to think the “Front” I put on is the real me, or it is, does it matter, am I over thinking again???? I hope there is something about me that draws people to me that would be awesome 🙂

“You are meant to do something good with exboozehound”
This was amazing to hear, cus I’ve thought this for a while but my noggin demon always tells me I’m being delusional and nothing good will ever come from anything I do, but if I sit back and have a little think about it, good things are starting to happen. I get messages from all over the world about how my blog helps people, I’ve had a number of guest bloggers and there are more to come, I’m getting involved with Health Watch Dudley, I’m speaking with Dudley CVS about setting up a community interest company called Zorbsagogo (it’s on Face Book), I’m talking with a local company about selling some of my photographs in the name of exboozehound to donate money to charity, I’ve wrote for a couple of websites (www.mensdepression.org and www.anxietyunited.co.uk ), I’ve wrote something that hasn’t been published yet for www.govint.org , I’m speaking with a company about setting up my own support group and counselling sessions (no I haven’t got qualifications and certificates but I’ve got quite a lot of experience!!!). So, even though my noggin demon tells me I’ll never amount to anything I know it’s wrong cus I already am amounting to something and even without the things listed above I’m having a go, I’m keeping going, I’m getting my daily wins :).

“You’ll end up on the Wright Stuff you will”
I know this was a flippant comment, but it came from me telling someone about the various things listed above, all I can say is if this comes true I would be chuffed to bits because right from the start of this blog one of the things I wanted to do was make a difference…. Show people there is nothing to be ashamed of in having a mental illness. I want to find a way of describing just how terribly desperate I was in June 2013, how I KNEW my life was over and the only answer was suicide and how I KNOW now how very wrong I was…. VERY VERY WRONG!!!! I met someone last week that works in care and they said some words that I have heard quite a few times before and from my experience I know to be true….

“the mental health side of the NHS is at crisis point, the way people are left to suffer is an absolute disgrace….”

I’ve said it many times before and I have to say it again because I am thankful to the many many amazing people who work in the mental health side of the NHS, they are truly amazing, caring, very talented people. But I will state again that the time it took to get me into the “system” very nearly killed me through absolute desperation….

“One thing you are definitely not is a loser….”
I posted this on Face Book the other day and got the above message for a friend who I’ve been speaking with about various issues through this blog….

image

I am a loser in conventional terms, no job, no house, no kids, no money, on benefits etc…. But I really don’t give a shit about conventional terms, my mental breakdown ensured I probably won’t ever live a conventional life again. I receive a lot of messages behind the scenes on how my blog, my words and the words of my guest bloggers help people with mental illness and addiction issues understand they are never alone and never will be. I’ve also received messages from people without mental illness and addiction issues saying it’s helped them understand a loved one better…. These messages help me believe I’m not a loser and keep me going on, so thank you XX.

Right I’m almost at 2000 words and I’m fairly sure I haven’t made a point in this post…. If you’ve made it this far and not fallen asleep or got extremely bored, if you can find a point to this post I’d love to know what it is so drop me a comment….

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)

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You’re Stable

Stability –

a. Resistance to change, deterioration, or displacement.
b. Constancy of character or purpose; steadfastness.
c. Reliability; dependability.

Stable –

2. Enduring or permanent: a stable peace.
a. Consistently dependable; steadfast of purpose.
b. Not subject to mental illness or irrationality: a stable personality.

Interesting words “Stable” and “Stability” (I may be misusing the word “interesting”….), I knew what they meant but yesterday I decided to google them for specific definitions for a particular reason. That reason being I spoke with 3 people yesterday with mental health issues of varying severity, each one of them has been left in no mans land in the Dudley and Walsall Mental Health Partnership NHS Trust. Like me they are all in the “system” somewhere(????), unlike me they didn’t mouth off, complain and tweet about how horrendous and not fit for purpose the “system” is.

Two of them I spoke to yesterday have asked their GP for more help and someone to talk to, one of them has asked to see a psychiatrist again and the response they both got was “you don’t need to talk to anyone you’re STABLE”. The other one now sees the psychiatrist every 3 months with absolutely no support between appointments, they are still awaiting counselling, at the last psychiatrist appointment the prescribed change of medication was for a drug that is no longer available…. (I don’t think that last bit needs further comment)

Last night I was speaking on Twitter with someone who has been told they need CBT and the waiting list is about 300 people long, so it’s been decided they need therapy and they will receive that therapy sometime in the distant future, is that good enough? No it’s not!!!! I have also spoken to someone recently who’s had a bad experience of what the NHS has to offer so now chooses to avoid the NHS and any help all together….

I find it harder these days to slag the NHS off because I’m in a different situation, yes I only see my psychiatrist every 2 months for about 20 minutes but between those visits I see someone every couple of weeks and she’s brilliant, partly because she is brilliant and partly because she’s a consistent part of my life. A few weeks ago I was struggling and feeling very wrong and all I had to do is to walk into the Halesview centre, which has the best mental health reception staff I’ve come across so far, and ask to speak with my health worker (I must ask what her actual title is one day….). I was very fortunate as she was about to go out but she gave me a few minutes of her time, in which I cried (no shame in that!!), she reaffirmed a lot of stuff I already know, but when my noggin gets fooked up I can’t remember or act on what I know, not always. She reminded me I’d had a huge “episode” just over a year ago and I still had a long way to go, she reminded me I’m too hard on myself, she pointed out I was trying to do too much again, she reminded me I had come a very long way in a relatively short period of time. I walked away after less than 10 minutes feeling much more settled and realistic about stuff.

All of the above mentioned people don’t have the option to just to walk in somewhere and ask for help. I’ve been told that the support I’m getting is no different to what others are getting, but quite obviously that isn’t true. I know from talking with some people in power in the NHS they want to give everyone the sort of support I have but they just can’t as they don’t have the people or money to do so. One of the heads of department I have been speaking with who is amazing and massively driven to provide mentally ill people with all the support that is possible has now left the NHS “due to ongoing changes” what’s the betting this is simply down to lack of funds and frustration about all the red tape and rules that stop wonderful caring people from doing the job they signed up to do, using their training and people skills to help those who need it whether it be intense therapy or just a simple chat.

For obvious reasons I can’t give more details of the various people I have mentioned above but what I will say is one of these people is diagnosed with what some people would consider quite a serious mental illness, they’re asking for help and being denied it. For a GP to respond to a request for more help with “you’re stable” is absolutely disgusting. Do GP’s understand how hard it is to ask for help? If a recognised mentally ill person asks for help surely it should be considered carefully or at least followed up? I guarantee the people asking there GP for more help didn’t do it lightly and would of spent a lot of time building up the courage to ask the question. Unfortunately these days just asking for help gets you nowhere, you have to demand it and demanding anything when you’re are mentally ill is almost impossible.

Looking back at the definitions of “stability” and “stable” I would suggest that neither me or anyone else I have mentioned in this post is either of these words and if GP’s and more senior noggin docs think that “stability” or “stable” are positive acceptable words to describe a human beings life they are wrong. Being “stable” suggests that mentally ill people aren’t having rewarding lives they are just existing and if we are just existing what is the point?

Just because we are mentally ill it doesn’t mean we can’t have rewarding lives, from time to time I feel my life is very rewarding and as I move forward I hope to have more rewarding times more often. I know this will take time, I know I have a long way to go, I know I am very fortunate to have the NHS support I have, I know I am very fortunate to have the support this blog gives me, I know I am very fortunate to have the support I get on Twitter and Facebook, I know I am very fortunate to have the support of family and friends. I also know that a lot of the support I have is because I have been completely open and honest about my illnesses, occasionally my honesty has a negative effect on life and situations but the majority of time it has a positive effect and allows me to not waste my energy trying to be something that I’m not. When I’m happy I’m happy, when I’m sad I’m sad, when I fooked up I’m fooked up but at all times I’m honest and open….

“enjoy the good and ride out the bad”

I posted this on Face Book yesterday, I don’t post these blog posts and Twitter and Face Book posts looking for sympathy, I don’t do it as a “woe is me” I don’t need or want sympathy!!!! I do it cus it helps me and hopefully it helps others cus life “is what it is”. It doesn’t make a difference if your’re a “mentalist” or a “normal” we all have up and down times, perhaps a “mentalists” up and down times can be a bit more serious and life consuming, up and down times are part of life sometimes you can do things to make things better, sometimes you can’t and just have to ride it out. Every time I get into a down time I know can handle it cus I know I’ve got through a lot worse and I accept that it’s just part of the game that is life. “It comes with the territory”

image

Keep going 😉

Jon aka exboozehound
@exboozehound
www.exboozehound.co.uk

Oh and don’t forget my Thingymajig (memoir/book)




Is there a point to life?

The simple answer to that question is YES.

But sometimes, for me and I would hazard a guess for a lot more people than you’d think the answer would be…. No not really….

I believe they say “there’s only two things guaranteed in life and they are death and taxes….” Summit like that anyway. Rik Mayall and Ade Edmondson said it better in one episode of Bottom “your born, you keep your head down and your die, if you’re lucky…” So if in the end were all gunna die what’s the point to struggling through a painful life, why don’t we just throw in the towel? Yes there’s good times, there’s great times but they are surrounded by difficult times, painful times, confusing times, pointless times etc. Unfortunately as we move forward it sometimes seems you can only remember the bad times the times that have caused the scars.

Nope, not a very positive star to this post…. It’s gunna get worse before it gets better!!!! Although the aim of this post is to be positive, eventually, first I have to deal with the negative and this time I am dealing with the negative for me to hopefully kick start my fight again, yes I hope it will help others as well but this one is mainly for me.

Today I have found myself thinking a couple of thoughts I haven’t thought for a while….

  • What’s the point
  • Nothing’s ever gunna go right for me
  • You’re a waste of a human life
  • You’d be better of dead
  • Strap on a pair and just disappear off into oblivion

I knew this “episode” was coming, it’s been coming for a couple of weeks, I’ve been fighting it as hard as I can but today I’ve found myself thinking “what’s the point”. Is there a point? I’m 41 years old, I have no wife, no girlfriend, no kids, no job, no house, no money, nothing a 41 year old really should have by now. I’ve been trying to set a few things in motion to earn a few quid but I can’t make any of them happen…. I have loads of ideas and I’m pretty sure a fully healthy me could make them all work, but I’m not fully healthy, haven’t been for many years and probably won’t ever be. Who the hell is going to take me seriously when everybody knows, cus I’ve tell and have told everyone I’m mentally ill, that’s not the best thing to put at the top of your CV….

I’ve spent a fair bit of cash trying to set these things in motion and at the moment I’m starting to believe the cash I’ve spent has been delusional and I will never get anything back…. When I was in the booze clinic I hit upon the motto “it’s better to regret those things you have done than the things you haven’t….” And I still believe in this, somehow, when I’m not listening to the demon inside my noggin I know I have to keep trying to move forward positively, but at the moment my demon is quite often the loudest voice in my head….
(That’s just a bunch of descriptive words, I don’t actually have voices, I don’t think I do anyway).

There seems to be a few of me at the moment, like the bad old days…. Am I Jon, “Jon” or exboozehound???? Somehow I have the ability to make people smile, I have the ability to calm people down, I have the ability to help people understand mentalism and alcoholism, I seem to have the ability to make people feel better about themselves. When I ran my Zorbs at the Paul McCann find for needy children day down the Halesowen Cricket Club a few weeks ago someone said to me that a few people had said how brilliant I was with the kids. My nephews love me, there’s another little kid that has said he loves me and I’m not related to him so he doesn’t have to love me, it would appear I’m a good person. One of my mates said to me a couple of weeks back (Pakres) “you’re not different Jon’s anymore are you you’re just the one Jon, I like this Jon” at the same time some one else (TH) “Jon Mansell’s ace”. All these things surely confirm I’m a good person, a loved person, someone who’s has something to give…. So why is
it inside I still sometimes feel like a horrible, worthless, pointless person, a person that will never amount to anything, a person who will never marry, settle down, have kids and live happily ever after? Why is it that when I am making people smile, helping people understand mentalism, helping people understand alcoholism, making people calmer, making people feel better about themselves,
why is it sometimes when I am laughing and being helpful and a good person on the outside, why am I sometimes dying inside and feeling horrendous mental pain, why is my demon telling me I’m an arsehole???? Why did I feel like crying when I was walking back from town this morning, why do I feel like crying now? Why do I feel like a pointless, worthless waste of a human being????

Oof, that’s an awful lot of “why’s” and if you’ve come across me before you may have read a few times that I KNOW “why?” Is a pointless and pretty much unanswerable question, asking “why” is just a waste of energy, “why” is “woe is me” “why” is me feeling sorry for myself….

I don’t know why, and in a couple of days I hopefully won’t give a flying monkeys chuff why, but at the moment I keep thinking “why”. This week, I think it was Wednesday, in the morning I saw my health worker and in the afternoon I spent about 2 hours being assessed for some more therapy. I thought I was going to be really negative with my health worker, and at times I was, but as I was being negative I was spinning pretty much everything to a positive. The afternoon assessment was hard work as well, as I was answering the 324 assessment questions I kept thinking to myself “you know what, there is something wrong with you, your noggin is definitely wired up wrong, you are a confirmed nut job, your thoughts are all wrong, you should just give up and fade away into the nothingness that you are and the pain you deserve”….

I think I’ve been about as honest as I possibly can about the current game that’s going on in my noggin, I would imagine you are pretty
certain “part” of my noggin is in a pretty horrendous and possibly dangerous place?

But, for me the most important word of the previous 1146 words is “part”….

At the moment that “part” of my noggin, the little bastard demon is winning the battles, but (and this is cheesy) IT WILL NOT WIN THE WAR…. Yes sometimes the little demon bastard has it’s fun, yes I know I ain’t right in the noggin, yes I know I have to keep fighting and very importantly I KNOW THERE IS A POINT TO MY LIFE. It might be a different point to “normal” life but there is a point and in the end I will win!!!!

There are lots of reasons why I know I’ll win but at the moment I’m unable to list them or verbalise them cus that f’ing loudmouth demon mother flipper is on top and laughing at me, but eventually, probably not today, probably not tomorrow, maybe not even next week the good part of my noggin will start shouting and winning again and kick the flipper very hard in the nuts and put him down!!!!

There is a point to my life, there is a point to your life.

If you’re feeling bad at the moment, you have to KNOW there will be plenty of good times to come. we just have to keep fighting daily to get those daily wins….

THERE AIN’T NOTHING WW CANT HANDLE…. EVENUALLY!!!!

Keep Going 😉

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oh and don’t forget my book